Time for an Intervention?

Falwell claims "God told him" to eat Food

After being confronted on Tuesday by his entire extended family, Reverend Jerry Falwell admitted to cleaning out the household fridge, but said it was "almost positively" the will of the Lord. "You forget, children, I’m a pastor. I’m in almost constant communication with God," Falwell replied. "By the way, Jon, he says he wants you to take a few steps back. You’re blocking the TV, I mean, Devil machine."

Falwell continued. "Remember, family, ‘man does not live by bread alone’, saith the Lord. Now get your lazy ass to the store, Jeannie, and pick me up three honey-glazed hams, a jumbo-bucket of fried cheese, and some stuffed-quail on a stick. Come on, hustle! ‘Do not be a stumbling block before the blind man.’"

Falwell held a short press conference after the incident. "What happens between me and my family is not for public consumption," he remarked. "The Lord likes His privacy and so do I. If people want to know more, they’re going to have to subscribe to the members section of my website, Jerry’s Judgment. We have a great column up there right now in which I deconstruct the entire Homosexual Lobby-Grand Masonic-New World Order-Frito Lay, Inc.-conspiracy. Sign up now for only 29.95 a month, and I’m sure the Lord will bless you, eventually."

Jaundace Falwell-Smith, a distant cousin, said that this was the thirty-fifth occasion that she could remember Falwell ruining. "He ate the whole cake at my sixth birthday party, and then said I was possessed when I started crying. Let me tell you, we’d be mighty steamed if he didn’t have a direct pipeline to the Almighty."

Pat Robertson, a longtime colleague of Falwell’s, defended his friend on his television show, The 700 Club. "What people don’t seem to appreciate is that that’s God up there," he said, his giant ears almost levitating him off the ground. "When you get that call from the big guy, you don’t argue with him, you don’t debate, you do what he says. If he tells you to make dumb-ass political comments about stuff you know nothing about, you do it. If he tells you to make a complete ass out of yourself by faith-healing or quack medicine, you do that, too. And if he says, 'Jerry, that fridge full of food is an abomination unto me, vanish it from my sight,' well by God, I guess it’s chow time. To do anything else would be to stick your finger in God’s eye, and scientific testing has proved he doesn’t like that." Robertson went on to suggest that Falwell may have in fact just averted a natural disaster, and recommended that a government sub-committee be set up to investigate whether he should be awarded a medal for heroism. Fellow theological heavyweight John Hagee chastised Falwell's family for opening the preacher up to public scrutiny, and blamed the liberal media for blowing things out of proportion. "The Lord gave us dominion over the earth, and last I checked that included a man's own kitchen. To quote Saint Anthony: back off, forces of Satan!"

This marks the latest incident in which Falwell has cited Divine orders for stuffing his face since last August at the octennial Falwell Family Picnic, when, sources allege, he "totally ate all the potato salad." When someone complained, Falwell angrily muttered verses from the Book of Romans while simultaneously guzzling a 2-liter bottle of bacon drippings.