Sad...

Here I've actually been posting some good stuff for a change instead of all the political drivel I'm known for, and what gets the most readers in ages?

Freaking Abir.

My favorite line (back-translated from German):

Quintessence of the blog, is the historical derivation and also the personal pedigree information of the Lord are highly questionable.

Yup. Oh, and hi Ehav!

If Sofer gets bored teaching people Abir, he should totally start making some Jewish action movies. I am totally serious when I say I would pay money to see this. Israeli-Hollywood, get on it.

The Return of Abir

Funny, I thought I had finished with this silly issue a while ago. But intrepid Abir advocate Ehav Ever won't let it go. He's back, and he's got "proof." Proof of what, exactly? I'll let him tell it:

Looks like the Aluf Abir Yehoshua Sofer is Yemenite after all and there is a history for Abir.

Ehav provides a Youtube link showing Sofer interviewing an old man, Mori Awadh bin Sleiman. He repeatedly acknowledges that Sofer's patrilineal line was Yemenite, and affirms a family connection between them. It also has various clips of bearded Middle Eastern men (presumably Yemenite Jews) dancing. I guess this is supposed to prove Abir's authentic dance-house heritage.

Here's the big problem, Ehav. Since 2007 you've been particularly offended at my claim (based on my admittedly limited information) that Sofer was Ashkenazi, not Yemenite. (I freely admit that my skepticism about Sofer's heritage based on skin color was unfair and reflective of my lack of knowledge about the topic.) However I have nothing invested in disproving Sofer's Yemenite-ness. It doesn't matter whether he's the Chief Rabbi of Sa'aana or a descendant of Confucius. The central issue has always been whether Abir-- and all the associated mythology Sofer and his followers constructed and perpetuated about it-- was true. I'll stipulate that Sofer is Yemenite on his father's side. It still doesn't address the bigger questions.

Let's recap some of the sticking points:

- The ever-changing family ties. When I first heard about Abir back in 2006, what little online information was available was inconsistent and confusing.  Most notable was Sofer simultaneously pushing his grandfather's Yemenite roots and then talking about him serving in the Russian army while on a pilgrimage to Uman.and subsequently learning wrestling and jujitsu. Elsewhere he mentioned being descended from Nachman of Breslov's brother. When I questioned this, you said Sofer's grandmother was Ukrainian. So why was the Yemenite grandfather in Uman? Did he marry into a Breslov family and then become a Yemenite Breslover? I'm not saying this couldn't be true, I'm saying I'm very confused, and a big part of it is because Sofer has connected Abir so closely with his family history and then released that history in an extremely fragmentary way.

In other interviews, Sofer has claimed that his Yemenite ancestors' name was Sofer. He has identified his uncles as having the surname Sofer, and apparently his grandfather Brihim bin-Hassan also went by the name Nachman Sofer (which wasn't clarified until relatively recently, BTW. I was still thinking that Brihim and Nachman were two separate grandfathers). So here's a question: why was Sofer born Nigel Winston? I don't particularly care about the answer, and I doubt Sofer is outright lying about his last name. But it's another example of something fishy coming up. Here's another question: if he was trained and raised knowing his destiny was to bring Abir back to the yearning Jewish masses, why did he waste several years of his life trying to be a proto-Matisyahu ska rapper? Sofer is like Madonna; he has reinvented himself and retconned his and Abir's origin stories so many times it's impossible to keep it all straight.

- Dreaming too big, changing the stories, and not keeping them straight. Sofer has made the simultaneous claims that A- Abir is an ancient authentic Jewish practice going back to Biblical times; B- all Jews in antiquity knew and practiced Abir, and C-  while this knowledge was widely lost among most Jews in modern times (which is why no one had heard of it before 2001), the isolated and exotic Habbani managed to keep the secret alive through traditional dances. Frankly, there's so much on this ball of yarn it's hard to even unpack it, but the biggest problem is that his stories sound way too good to be true.

I can buy the Habbani being tough bastards. I can accept that they may have been good with their fists. Maybe they even had a martial art system. But it's pretty hard to believe that ten Habbani Jews killed 1,000 attackers bare-handed. I'm sorry, but that's a fairy tale. Same thing for Sofer's claim about how old Abir is. I can accept Abir being a Habbani tradition. Maybe it's even quite old. But to claim that King David knew Abir? To say that it's knowledge that's been passed down unbroken from Abraham is like having a restaurant and claiming your lentil stew was the exact recipe Jacob used to steal Esau's birthright. Also, Sofer now claims Abraham learned Abir from Terah! First of all, this seems to complicate the concept of it being a "Jewish martial art" as it would make it ripped off from the pagan Babylonians. It certainly doesn't seem like it would count as "Torah study," as Sofer has said. But wait, if Abir came from the Babylonians, how can it based on the ancient Hebrew alphabet? How can it have super-secret mystical Kabbalah connections?

All this stuff makes me think that Sofer is selling something, which, coincidentally, he is.

Now let's talk about your video: I notice that in the video Sofer seems to nudge the older gentleman pretty hard towards trying to confirm some of his Abir stories. Yet the farthest Mr. Bin Sleiman seems willing to go is to say that their clan could "fight without weapons" and that Sofer's ancestors were "very mighty" and that Arabs feared them. At one point he tells an anectdote about Sofer's grandfather putting sand in a bag and using it as a blackjack on people who tried to mess with him. That's cool and all, but it's not the same thing as saying that the Habbani were a bunch of Jewish ninjas. By my count, he only even said Abir twice-- once when referring to warriors in a story of Jewish conquest of Yemen, and once when talking about Sofer's grandfather who used it as part of his nickname.

It's odd that given his long association with the family, Bin Sleiman never actually says anything that confirms Sofer's wilder stories. The most Sofer gets out of him is that his family were tough guys that didn't take crap from gentiles. (BTW, I was very intrigued by Sofer's comment that his grandfather "was a bodyguard for Sultans and in Uman." A, I notice that Bin Sleiman says nothing to confirm this, and B, again, I'm confused why the Yemenite grandfather was in Uman.) Also, in Sofer's story his relatives have now gone from guarding a single king, Abdullah, to multiple Sultans. This increase in bodyguard work seems to correspond to the Wikipedia page, which now says that the Sofers guarded Lawrence of Arabia. Yes, all these things could be true (in which case someone should really write a book about this amazing, stupendous fantabulous family), but at a certain point, you begin testing the limits of believability and leading people to assume you're just making stuff up.

A similar thing happens in the next clip: the other old guy says that he remembers attending dances as a child and tells his friend that "these Abir techniques were in our dances." Sofer goes on to mime out the Abir moves. Bin Sleiman looks at him and smiles politely. No confirmation, no agreement.

Sorry Ehav, but this is hardly a smoking gun. One guy is convinced by Sofer's pitch. Good for him. The fact that Sofer's martial arts use similar moves to Yemenite dances does not prove that the dances were secret methods of communicating Abir moves. If anything, it shows that Sofer or his family may have borrowed some of their ideas from Yemenite dances.

Ehav, I understand my half-assed "expose" three years ago touched a raw nerve. And it's cute that you still care so much. But it's not about whether Sofer is Yemenite. It's about whether he's full of crap.

That time I blew up Wikipedia

As the observant of you know, I've been lax in blogging lately. Times are hard, and what with work, TV and remembering to floss, it's been hard to make the time to get in some good quality blog time.

Luckily, however, it seems there are some people that are reading the blog whether I'm updating or not, and it's all apparently thanks to my one shining moment of pseudo muckraking Jewish journalism. Yes, it's the hard-hitting Abir series, which has apparently become used and linked to on that paragon of web integrity, Wikipedia. Through some bizarre series of events, my I-can't-believe-Abir-is-on-Wikipedia rant generated an astounding number of hits. This is even more entertaining because now I get to read how my rant is not an official source of information- totally unlike, say, the fairy tale on Abir's web page.

Best line: "[The] main 'source' and 'proof... for debunking the abir article is from a blog and the emotionally written blog post is certainly not a reliable source."

...And now my work belongs to the ages. I feel so important, sort of like Maimonides, or maybe Simon Dubnow.

Oh, for the curious, apparently the Wiki-Jews decided to split the Abir article into two different things- one is a well-sourced and expansive article on Jewish Military History that looks rather interesting. The other is a personal masturbation session talking about how Yehoshua Sofer's ninja brit is not only gigantic, but once defeated 400 Samurai Arabs in hand-to-wang combat.

What Will Hopefully be the Last Abir Post. Ever.

I know, now I'm getting sick of it, too. Stupid poetic justice.

Anyway, as is my wont, I've composed an (overly long) ditty about the whole thing. I imagine it would be best suited to some bad boy band score. Since I don't have access to a drum machine or pubescant-boy synthesizer, you'll have to use your imaginations (all of you musically-inclined Youtube video makers have the Friar's permission to use this in whatever project you like).

Thus, I present...

The Abir Song

Sometimes it seems it's hard to be a Jew,
Don't know where to turn,
Hard to know what life wants from you,
So many times you've been burned,

But there's someone you've just got to meet,
A holy family in Jerusalem,
So dust off your gi,
Get on your feet,
And let's all go join them...

Abir,
Warrior Arts,
We will show you the way,
When you've got Abir,
There's no reason to fear,
As long as you know Maneuver Haaaaay,

Abir,
Warrior Arts,
We tell you, we're for real,
We're not like those Kabbalah Center fools,
And we'll make you such a deal.

Jews from all around the world
Are joining in our quest,
From Rio to Kaifeng, to Boro Park,
As we crush evil-doers' chests,

Sure some folks are skeptical,
They think that we're swindlers with magnetic charms,
But maybe they will change their tune
When our swords chop off their arms.

Abir,
Warrior Arts,
We'll point you on the right path,
Together we will show the world
That Jews can do much more than math,

Abir,
Warrior Arts,
We'll end the exile tonight,
Nothing makes you feel like a completed Jew
Like the ability to fight.

Everyone knows Abir is true,
Even the rabbis all say so,
It'll lift up your spirit and heal your soul,
Not like that pagan Tae Kwon Doooooh,

Abir's like yoga for your brain,
It'll help you cleanse your mind,
The holy alphabet will help you out,
Even if you're old and blind!

Oh, Oh, Oh,

All these people keep coming in,
Our power can't be surpassed,
If somebody were to give us crap,
We would surely kick their ass,

Abir's an ancient secret,
Jews guarded it with their lives,
Better to be burned at the stake,
Than to explain those squiggly lines,

But we kept Abir going,
Through song, and letters and dance,
It's sort of like the Maori Hakka,
Except we still wear pants.

Don't know if you're Ashkenazi,
Or maybe Yemenite,
But you know it doesn't matter,
Everything's all right,

I learned Abir from my father,
Who learned it from his,
It's been in our family since the Middle Ages,

It goes back to Moses,
Who learned it from the bush,
Then he took his staff,
And whacked Aaron in the tuuush!

Oh, Oh Oh,

Abir...

I really want,

Abir...

I gotta have,

Abir...

Somebody buy me,

Abir...

Want to pop the top and drink down all your wisdom, Grand Master...

And crush the can against my skull...

Abir.

Help a Brother Out

Calling all Arabic-enthusiast friends of the blog:

Our dear friend Balebusta in Blue Jeans, who has become the latest bulwark in our effort to get to the bottom of the great kettle of fish known as Abir, has been doing some independent research on her own, and needs help reading an Arabic website where one of Mr. Sofer's pictures has popped up.

Won't you please be so kind as to visit her and offer some assistance?

Abir Strikes Back

Oy, the joys of comments. For the first time ever, I myself have been the subject of a fisking. And not just any fisking, but a particularly spastic, angry letter to the editor-style one. Let's get right to it.

BS"D

B’siyata d’shmaya, or Aramaic for "for the sake of heaven." This guy's either quite pious or thinks he's an extra in the Passion. Off to a good start.

To friar-yid / ignorant-yid / personality assasin-yid / G-dless yid:

What up, bitch?

Pardon my bluntness, but you are one of the the most cynical jerks I've seen on the internet.

Thanks! I know there's a lot of competition this year, and it's an honor just to be nominated.

I will answer your pathetic attacks not for your sake, but for the benefit of your innocent viewers.

All five of them? Score. I wonder if this lashon hara blog can get me any other perks- maybe free samples of Brookstone merchandise. Not for my sake, of course, but so they can correct any misconceptions I might spread among my innocent viewers.

In the Talmud it's written, "if you want to lie, be sure the witnesses [to the matter] are far away."

The Talmud also says lice spontaneously generate from sweat and that pi = 3. Just so we're all clear.

I and others are witnesses to things that make it impossible for slanderers like you to get away with your squeaking lies about the Aluf Abir's Yemenite heritage, his skin color, and his holy warrior art tradition.

This should be good.

As a student of Abir, I have repeatedly seen members of his family coming to see visit mori Yehoshua and see our training. They are as Yemenite as can be, and resemble him in the family's distinct traits. (Are you claiming this is staged? Masks and all? Let's see your family--maybe people should start question your Jewish ethnicity, frie-yid.)

I'm saying that these Sofers and these Sofers don't look a damn bit alike, which is mighty suspicious considering the Yeminites in the picture are supposed to be Sofer Sr.'s brothers. That's a hell of a genetic drift. I know Yeminites have multiple wives but I'd be surprised if you can get from cafe-au-lait to bleach in the same generation. Incidentally, I'm highly curious as to what "distinct traits" you're talking about. They both have hair? Draw your own conclusions.

By all means, feel free to question my Jewish ethnicity; it'd be refreshing to hear that we're something other than the standard Pale 0'Settlement stock. To be fair, I had a g.grandfather who was olive-toned. But we didn't go around saying that that made him a Salonikan Jew or a Khazar.

I have had the priviledge to personally view old photographs of the Aluph Abir's ancestors. One of the most precious is on the wikipedia site. Let's see pictures of your ancestors. Can you prove your pedigree? If you can't, no one else can? Why can you not accept that there are families that preserved these things? I personally know a few.

What's to prove? I haven't made any claims about my ancestry. You mean can I prove who my grandparents and great-grandparents were? As a matter of fact, I can. Even better, we actually look alike.

As a Habbani Yemenite Jew, mori Yehoshua` has a tradition of tying tephillin according to a tradition of hoary age, spelling out G-d's Name in k:thav da`atz (aka "Paleo-Hebrew")--an 'alaph-beth' (alphabet) lost to the rest of Jewry. They also have a sword tradition based on these letters. We know that with the exception of the Leviticus scroll from Qumran, this 'alaph-beth' has been entirely out of use and nearly forgotten by the entire Jewish world until the rise of modern scholarship... So how did the Habbanis know and use these letters, unless they are descended from an relatively isolated clan that preserved them from antiquity? Were they university-trained archaeology buffs back in Habban, 70 years ago?

Dunno, how did the super-isolated Habbanis get their hands on Rashi script to incorporate into their moves, especially if this ancient martial art is supposed to have been handed down untouched from the days of Joshua and Abner? And maybe the issue is not questioning the authenticity of the Habbanis themselves, but the connection between them and the Sofers.

(Whatever language your ancestors preserved, you use this one [English] to slander and deride a Torah scholar and denigrate a holy ethnic group of my people.)

We can't all speak Aramaic. (Or, in the Zohar's case, fake-Aramaic.)

I have met and questioned a few Yemenite Jews of different backgrounds--none of whom knew about Abir in the slightest

HANG ON- this ancient, Yemenite art is super, duper authentic, but no one you talked to had ever heard of it? Fantastic.

I found that NON-Habbani Yemenites have traditions about their long-haired, sword-wielding, fearless cousins. I met one such young man, an Israeli Yemenite of Bal`adi ancestry, waiting in a long line together, just two weeks ago: He recounted a living memory of the Habbani's warrior prowess, passed down to him from his grandfather. He told me the Habbanis bore the ancient art of Israelite tribes, "but you should know that it no more. It doesn't exist anymore." (When I asked him, this young Israeli had never even heard about Abir, or mori Yehoshua'. He couldn't know how much his innocent mistake gave a true historical context to the Abir family history.

So, again, the fact that there is such a legend and history and that, according to everybody who's asked about it, these guys don't exist anymore is proof of Abir's authenticity... how?

Let's think this one through:

A- There are Greek legends about giant one-eyed guys called cyclopses.

B- No one has seen a cyclops in thousands of years.

C- My friend says he is a cyclops. He happens to be of average height and has two eyes like everybody else, but still, he says, he's a cyclops. It turns out that the one-eye thing refers to some third-eye chakra or something, and that he's descended from cyclops midgets, but it's still legit.

D- No scholars, historians, or community leaders in Greece have ever heard of my friend and cannot verify his claims.

E- This proves my friend is a cyclops.

Yeah, that's some iron-clad logic there.

An elder member of a far branch of the family in Hevron, who had no knowledge of the Aluph Abir, told us a similar story about the family's past, particularly about his great-grandfather. A mighty warrior, who took on a small army of 400 Arabs singlehandedly. Again, having no prior familiarity with the claims of the Aluph Abir, his independent story supports the historical context.

Actually, no. It proves the family tells tall tales about themselves. What IS interesting, if the connection can actually be verified, is that it demonstrates that other people in the Sofer family have this mythology- if indeed the story is authentic.

One thing is considered historical fact to anyone who studies the subject: the Habbani Jews were formidable warriors.

So were the Vikings, Visigoths, Napoleon and Genghis Khan. Were they martial arts masters, too? Hey, maybe Erik the Red was part Habbani. That explains everything.

(What stories will your descendents tell about you? That you spread ignorant lies about the Banei Abir of Hadramaut before a world audience?)

Hey, beats being a drunk with a Messiah complex (all apologies to my grandfather).

The Adenite Habbinis are the lightest colored Yemenites, being mixed with `Iraqi Jews from the North. The Jews of Al Baidha with whom the Jews of Habban frequently married, were particularly fair. Besides that, the Aluph Abir's grandmother of blessed memory was Ukrainian. Just as there are Ashkenazim who are much darker complected than white Sefaradim like myself, the Aluph Abir is a light-skinned Habbani.

Except that in the old picture, ALL the Sofers are dark-skinned. And the Ukrainian connection seems fishy- here Abir claims that Nachman Sofer (a Yemenite?) was gang-pressed into the Russian army on a pilgrimage to the Breslover's tomb. So the Yemenite grandfather married the Ukrainian grandmother (who was a descendant of Nachman, supposedly), and became a Breslover, then went on pilgrimage to the Pale (not too far a schlepp) where he was kidnapped by the Czar for five years, but it wasn't all wasted, because he learned wrestling and jujitsu? I guess that's a hell of a story, if it's true.

The Aluph Abir is fluent in Yemeni Arabic. I've witnessed his fluent conversations with local Arabs, yet his Arabic has a distinct quality to it. This native fluency is not something a non-Yemenite could pretend. Having been born and raised outside of Yemen, he is more naturally and authentically 'Yemenite' than any Israeli Yemenite I've ever met.

What the hell does that even mean? What criteria are you using in your Yemeni authenticity index?

Even more than my attacks on Mr. Sofer's ancestry, this guy was particularly offended by my baseless slanders against the Abir system itself, especially insinuations that it's actually Kuk Sul Won with the names changed. A few of his points:

3) The continual, fluid, dance motion in Abir, rooted in a spirit of pure, simple joy and humble surrender of one's will before G-d. As opposed to the arrogant focusing of one's own energy, common in other forms, the Abir warrior strives to become a perfect vessel of Divine Will, and a conduit of the energy of Creation. (SOUND REMOTELY SIMILAR TO KUCK-SOOL? DON'T THINK SO.)

I don't happen to know a damn thing about Kuk Sul Won. Do you? Anyone that does is free to chime in here. The surrender of one's will to be a perfect vessel stuff BS sounds fairly mainstream Buddhist to me, though.

4) A fighting system devised of the distinct shapes of an ancient alphabet. A tradition from time immemorial, the Hebrew warriors fight according to the distinct, sacred shapes of the modern and paleo-Hebrew letters. No other system is comprised of anything like it. (IS KUCK-SOOL ALSO BASED ON THE HEBREW LETTERS?)

You have ZERO evidence that anything this guy is telling you about this stuff is true, either about Abir existing before, OR his version being an authentic continuation of it. For all you know he got ideas for his moves off the back of a Chinese Coke Can. Why not have a Kuk Sul practitioner check out some of Sofer's combinations and see if there's any resemblance?

5) A received tradition from the Abir's ancestors through the ages is a repeated cry of praise to G-d that punctuates our workout: "Adonenu, Borenu, YoSrenu, Rophenu!" "our Master, our Creator, our Maker, our Healer!" These and other Hebrew call-and-response cries between the Abir trainer and warriors-in-training are entirely unique in the world.

And of course, it's not like you could have CHANGED the call-and-response cries from one thing to another thing. I don't know why I didn't think of this before.

Although I have not studied Korean art forms, I know that Kuck Sool Wan is a modern, more diverse form of Hapkido. A general adaptation of the fighting arts of Northeast Asia (Japan Korea, China), with a Korean approach.

So you don't have enough information to challenge the comparison, other than the fact that it makes you feel sad. For what it's worth, I'm sorry I'm hurting your feelings.

...More importantly, as an element of the practice of Judaism, it a way of life.

Tell that to the millions of Jews, now and throughout history, who have never heard of what you're talking about. I'm sure they'll be very interested to hear that they've been doing it wrong.

Claiming that Abir is built on a Kuk-Sool base is like saying that because Yemenite Arabic was his mother tongue; when the Abir speaks English or Hebrew, he must be grafting those languages onto a base of Arabic grammar... How ridiculous--he is fluent in a few languages!

That being said, know that "Abir" was Grandmaster Sofer's first fighting language and the only one that ever mattered to him.

Really? So his 7th degree black belts in Kuk Sul Won and Hapkido, his 6th degree black belt in TukGong Musool, and his 3rd degree black belt in Tae Kwon Do were what, just part of a really good cover? Sort of like Elijah wandering the countryside or the Lamed Vovniks that can't reveal themselves yet? I guess I have to admire his willingness to waste so much of his time with those fake languages.

Your pitiful, snooty comments won't change the truth: He studied those other forms against his will.

Uh huh. And kept taking the tests against his will, and kept becoming regional director of those other forms (World Kido Federation, Hanminjok Hapkido Hae, Korea Kuksool Association). And of course, training countless students in those other forms, including Israeli, Arab, and Ukrainian special forces. How his mighty heart must have broken, knowing he was teaching them a foreign and arrogant focusing of their energy, when there was, had always been, a better way!

HOWEVER, HIS FATHER AND GRANDFATHER FORBADE HIM TO REVEAL THE ART until he would become at least Dan 7 in one other fighting form, become recognized as expert in several other diverse forms, and reach the age of forty.

So it was sort of like a Kabbalah thing. Gotcha. Hey, question, why didn't his father or grandfather reveal it?

As immigrants to West, they understood that the Abir massorah would need to contend with a world of competing martial arts to survive. They wanted to ensure the next torch bearer could adapt the art to the modern world accordingly. Just as Hebrew needed to adapted to fit the needs of the 20th century.

Or, more accurately, like Kabbalah was totally strip-mined and made devoid of any actual content, context or meaning by shilling, popularizing hucksters like the Kabbalah Centre.

In conclusion, let's look at a likely source of frier-yid's cynicism: DISBELIEF IN HIS OWN PEOPLE'S ABILITY TO PRESERVE SUCH AN AMAZING TRADITION. Another source of his cynicism is unfamiliarity will all the Torah sources--spanning Bible, Mishnah, Talmud, Midrash, and commentaries that prove the preservation of our fighting traditions throughout the centuries.

I read the Wikipedia article and the Abir page. It looks like Abir is cobbling a lot of different sources together into a very flimsy patchwork, trying to represent themselves as part of an illustrious tradition that, at best, was probably a lot more decentralized, disorganized and sporadic than they'd like to admit. To say nothing of how accurate their claims to be directly descended from it are. Furthermore, most of the sources given, at least on Wikipedia, seem to be about Jewish armies throughout the ages, not Jewish martial arts. And my sources tell me that qashath, which Abir claims is the "Hebrew weaponless martial art" actually means bow. Well, I'm sure that's almost the same thing. But hey, let's be open to compromise; maybe the original qashath, the Abir-system ancestor, was something like this.

By all means, though, if you have sources, let's see them.

However, if a new article reported the discovery of a hidden fighting tradition among the !Kung Bushmen of Namilia that stretched back 10,000 years in time, would 'friar-yid' and his ilk would speak out with such venom?

I have an ilk? Awesome!

For the record, in the case you give, I'd be similarly amused and skeptical. However, because I have zero knowledge or interest in your hypothetical tribe, my attention and energy focused on it would likely be fairly low. The amount of legitimacy that Abir is getting, which it does not seem to deserve, and the sheer ludicrous nature of its presentation, is a large part of my "venomous response."

Or is it only Jews that get such treatment by him? In general, given our Western "ethos of the 'noble savage'", half-naked primitives get the benefit of the doubt as to the hoary age of their traditions.

Uh, by passing himself off as a descendant of an isolated (read, untainted) tribe of desert Jews with arcane secrets (which he's conveniently deigned to share with you for a limited time only), Sofer is totally tapping into the noble savage trope.

Yet, when news of a 3,000+ year fighting tradition is revealed among Jews of a remote Yemenite clan (well-known for their prowess in war) the same people shake their head in disbelief. Jews are only supposed to bear traditions of old languages, books, and Gefilte fish.

Klezmer and math are also acceptable.

You sir, owe the Aluph Abir Yehoshua` Abner bin Awal Sofer al Habbani a public apology, as you do his ethnic community, and the Jewish People.

Here are the conditions under which I would be satisfied that Abir is authentic, and thereby offer an apology: Have Sofer and his family (especially his blind, sword-wielding father) beat me up, while simultaneously showing me a DVD of how Kuk Sul Won masters would beat me up, so I can accurately tell the difference. Also, they should be cursing me out in both Hebrew and Yemeni Arabic call-and-response. Also, there needs to be at least two witnesses. Or we can podcast the whole thing, I guess.

A Change of Heart

Oyster's comment to my last post made me wonder if I was being too hard on Sensei Sofer. I did some reading online and, lo and behold, I found a solution for the great Abir dilemma- how can someone claim that an object has magically become something else, when all evidence points to the contrary?

As usual, the Church shows us the way.

Hell, if it works for them and bread, why can't it work for all us skeptics and "the holy ways of our forefathers?"

So for those who, like me, may be so quick to chasten the Abirites (hey! maybe they got the name from Habiru), maybe all we really need is faith, I mean, emuna.

Don't think I've forgotten about the Abir send-off. Stay tuned.

Abir Revealed

I didn't want to do this. I was just ridiculing some morons on the Internet, it was all in good fun. But then I had to go and open my big mouth to someone who actually knows Grand Master Jackass Sofer, who told me the secret of Abir.

And that was cool. I could keep it under my ninja spodik. I had self-control.

Until I saw this.

According to Grandmaster Yehoshua Sofer:

My family lived in Israel for 100 generations, since the time of Saraya Sofer—a royal scribe and warrior who served the kingdom of Israel. Both ancient Israelite writing and martial arts traditions, were handed down in my family from generation to generation.^[16]

The Sofer family has a tradition that, following the wars of Bar Kokhba, their ancestors lived in Piq'in near Tiberias for one thousand years, and at the time of the Crusades, moved to Hevron, where they lived for another one thousand years, some of them moving back and forth between Israel and Yemen all the while. This is substantiated by two photographs the Abir has: one is that of his uncles in the 1920s, who lived in Hevron, in service of the Khalif of Jordan. The other, from only a few years earlier, is of his grandfather's brother, was in Oman, in service of the son of the Sultan.

Members of the Sofer family moved between Jerusalem and Habban in eastern Aden to cities such as Baidha. "Baidha" means "white" in Yemeni Arabic. While in Israel, Nachman Sofer and his youngest son, Ya`aqov Mosha, Grandmaster Yehoshua Sofer's father, left the region for Jamaica following the Hevron massacres of 1929, in which two of his uncles were murdered. From there they would move to the United States and later back to Israel.

The Abir Concept

...According to the Abir web-site:

The Twelve Tribes Principles and The Ten Emanations (These are very esoteric and intricate educational tools to understand the nature of combined movement and force in an application of the other principles directed into specific points of energy, mass or “targets” as well as the use of telepathy and hypnosis to direct or disable one's adversary)

This science as described in great depth in sources found throughout The Holy Torah are taught to “performers” of Abir, who regardless of their background in Jewish study and Torah Life, commitment/observance (or the lack of these) can begin training in this dance form that houses a deadly form…or formless system of self defense that is as effective today as it was in defeating the ancient military forces of Median, Ai, Eglon, Lah’ish, Canaanim, Khittim, Amorim, Prizim, Yebusim and Girgashim.

An Abir can be viewed as one who defends the palace that houses the Neshama (the soul), the Ruah (spirit), and the Gouf (physical body) within a circumference that is called one's Dalled (four) Amoth (designated spaces used as measurements) as commanded by G-d to defend; because inside a true Abir is housed a living Torah, for through its study the Abir seeks to internalize its wisdom, to become holy, pure, and to exemplify the very virtues that indeed describe the Abir of Israel that comprises the initials of this ancient Hebrew word (Aleph, Bet, Yod, Resh).

The Abir approach is based on a combination of the following elements.

• Judaic principles found in the Torah
• The Ancient Hebrew alphabet.
• Philosophical principles and movements based on symbols surrounding the 12 Tribes of Israel.
• Techniques passed down by Jewish communities such as the (Habbani Jews and Daghestani Jews)
• Jewish dances from various exotic or ancient communities, which anciently were a part of the ancient Abir combat system.

AAAGH! Get your fake martial arts HORSE CRAP off Wikipedia!

It gets even worse on the talk page.

...I understand about being skeptical about Abir, I was also based on the same articles. I was very skeptical when I first heard about it, because the web-sites and the articles weren't clear. It wasn't until I actually contacted some Teimanim in Israel about it and I also contacted Grandmaster Sofer concerning proof that I changed my mind about it. As mentioned before I received letters from a Yemenite Rabbi and an Ashkenazi Rabbi who state that Abir is ancient and authentic. In terms of the article, it only reflects what is on the web-site which Grandmaster Sofer states is not completely accurate. Grandmaster Sofer mentioned to me that he is working on getting his website corrected.

My brains, my beautiful brains, they're leaking all over the floor...


Ok, that's it. Sorry to break it to all you Abir fans, but here's the skinny on the "ancient art" and the Abir Master as explained to me by a trusted source who actually knows Senor Sofer.

A- Among friends, the esteemed master Abir Aluf Mori Yehoshua Sofer is affectionately known as "Yehoshuass."

B- This seems to be at least partially related to the fact that Mr. Sofer is an incorrigible practical joker.

C- Mr. Sofer is indeed highly proficient in Kuk Sul Won, a martial art which he studied for years to master. This discipline, which, I should point out, has the extra advantage of actually existing, is, as far as anyone can tell, what Mr. Sofer has spent much of his professional life teaching people.

D- Martial arts enthusiasts have observed that despite Mr. Sofer's many impressive claims to be teaching people an ancient Jewish martial art, complete with Hebrew alphabet-inspired moves and combinations, Abir seems to look remarkably like Kuk Sul Won.

E- Hebrew alphabet enthusiasts have observed that in order to have enough letters to make all of Abir's moves work, Mr. Sofer had to add Rashi script. It has yet to be explained exactly how this medieval Sephardic writing innovation made its way to the Sofers in Israel, but most theories presumably involve Crusaders killing some Jews in Europe and stealing their books, then accidentally dropping them after arriving in the Holy Land, whereupon the Sofers got hold of them and realized, "hey, this will allow us to have more than 27 moves!" Or maybe a Crusader brought a talking severed Jew's head along with him tied to his belt and the Sofers rescued it and made it tell them secrets.

F- Mr. Sofer, inheritor of Yemeni traditions for two thousand years, is actually a New Yorker of Ashkenazi extraction.

G- It is unclear whether Mr. Sofer's many glowing endorsements from rabbis, Internet rebbes (hi, Lazer!) and stupid newspeople and random schmoes are in-jokes, or whether said people are just profoundly stupid. It is also highly likely that some of these rabbis know that Mr. Sofer's backstory is sufficiently ludicrous as to be absurd and go along with it for the sake of getting their chubby yeshiva bochers some much-needed exercise.

H- There is nothing wrong with making up your own (admittedly amusing) cool Jew-Fu backstory to teach Jewish kids Kuk Sul Won. There is also nothing wrong with being up front about your bullshit.

I'm sorry if I ruined Abir for everyone. In the interests of being respectful, I think I'm going to retire the "ridiculing Abir" category from the blog, since, as I'm sure you'll all agree, there's something not quite funny about making fun of someone when they're actually kidding (even if they've managed to convince everyone that they're not).

I hope you'll stick around for the next post, when we say goodbye to Abir forever.

Recent searches

- "Friar Yid." At your service.

- "Satmar April 13 2007." A day that will live in infamy. Something involving the rebbe's ghost, no doubt.

- "Buckner Brothers." Not too bright.

- "Meir Gross New York NY." I had a cousin whose last name was Gross. His dream was to open a restaurant where he could be head chef. He was going to call it "Gross Foods." Strangely enough, this never got off the ground.

- "Jerusalem Essene Lag B'Omer." Nothing says fun times like getting a haircut without washing your hands.

- "Question Game for Lab Baomer 2nd grade." Why on this night do we light things on fire? And whose bright idea was it to combine a pilgrimage holiday with bow & arrows?

- "Twelve-year old boy decapitating American spy video." I heard about this. I'm not a fan.

- "Passover Observances Ripping Toilet Paper." Look, I'm just going to come out and say it. Either you can eat cardboard for eight days, or you can pre-rip toilet paper so you don't rip on Shabbos. But it's really unfair to make people do both, especially since following the first one necessarily means you have to do much, much more of the second one. Can the new Sanhedrin work on this?

- "Religious Jews Bleach." Is this bleach kosher for Passover? I'm afraid that my Shmuley might drink it and thereby accidentally eat kitniyot (may it not happen for 120 years). Oh, it's certified Tablet K? Sorry, we don't hold by them.

- "Sayed Imam Abdul-Azziz el-Sharif." Wrong blog, dude.

- "Demonizing the Mentally Ill Virginia." You know what really demonizes the mentally ill? Discriminating against them by denying them their constitutional right to carry a gun. At the very least, they should get a sling and very sharp rocks.

- "Yid." I find that offensive. Maybe they tolerate that kind of language over at Heeb or Kike-Monthly, but not here, dillhole.

- "David T Friar Mac." This sounds like the worst rap duo over. Even worse than the improv troupe that once came to my high school to teach us the importance of recycling and looking both ways before we crossed the street.

- "Lazer Abir." I have a forthcoming post about Abir. I have a source on the inside who's going to help me break this whole stupidity wide open.

- "Will Farah." Joseph's younger, hopefully significantly less douchebaggy brother. You've seen the rest, now try the best. Try our new, mustacheless model!

- "Robert Spencer Inaccurate About the Crusades." Pretty much. I perused one of Spencer's books in a Barnes & Noble once. He seemed to suggest that the Jews and Muslims had that whole getting-massacred-by-Crusaders thing coming, which makes me suspect he has his head up his ass. Not to be biased or anything.

- "Tremoglie Change the Culture Save Some Lives." Because unlike Conservatives, Liberalism would be happier if we were all dead. Just like on that bumper sticker I saw.

- "How Christians Are Treated Within the RIAA." I'm going to assume that the RIAA treats everybody like dirt regardless of whether they're stealing Christian rock or the newest pearls of wisdom from Jeff Foxworthy.

- "King Harold and Masada." Few people know that the actual site of the Battle of Stamford Bridge was Masada. This has long been covered up, but thanks to a new documentary by the History Channel, "Harold or Chaim? The true story of Masada," this will all be revealed soon.

- "Original Aish Nude Poses." Just when I thought the Internet couldn't get hotter.

- "Bobover Toilet Paper." What is it with you people and the shit jokes? Get a hobby.

Funny Hats

Some say it's a sign of immaturity to ignore the deeper issues of people's message and to only focus on the external. There are ancient folk-tales where good men disguise themselves and visit the clueless populace to find out just how they really treat people when the good guys aren't around. Odin did it, tons of Scottish kings did it, the Baal Shem Tov did it, even Elijah (supposedly) does it.

So really, when I ignore the profound matters involved in Abir® Warrior Arts and just make fun of Sofer's clothes, doesn't it just reflect poorly on me?

Maybe so.

But I don't care.

"Here in the new summer-wear we have Abir® Aluf Yehoshua Sofer, in a fun number that both harkens back to his ancient Yemeni heritage while also doubling as a beach-blanket!"

"That's right, Tom, and for extra protection against the sun, heat and evil eye, be sure to employ this updated cross-cultural style combining Yemeni desert robes with Haredi suits. A friend tells me it just drives the women wild (or would, if they were allowed to look at him)."

"Now, Stan, apparently Sofer chose this ensemble to highlight both parts of his not-quite-well-explained ancestry, right?"

"Indeed, Greg. Sofer claims to be descended from Yemeni karate-masters as well as Rabbi Nachman of Breslov's chief assistant water-carrier in charge of water-carrying on alternate Tuesdays."

"Wow. Half-Yemeni and half Breslover. Cool."

"Oh no, Lars. All of Sofer's Yemeni ancestors were ALSO Breslovers. In fact, his grandfather, who was a super-Yemeni, learned Korean jujitsu in the Russian army after being attacked on a pilgrimage to the Ukraine. That was how he became convinced that neither Korean jujitsu, Russian wrestling, or nude Greco-Orthodox curling could hold a candle to the ancient ways of Yemeni ABIR® Warrior Arts. "

"Wait... They're Yemeni but they were in the Ukraine? How does that even work?"

"Look, Klaus, that's not important. What's important is that various Torah Sages, who of course know all about Jewish history and global martial arts culture, have determined that this is the real deal. He teaches your kids Torah, ethics, ABIR®, penmanship, ABIR®, emnuna, ABIR®, and now, fashion sense. Compared to all that, Lakewood just sounds like a rip-off, doesn't it?"

"I guess, but..."

"But don't believe us, let's ask the Melitzer Rebbe shlita! Here he is shitting a brick in divine ecstasy, racked with anticipation at the thought of seeing the new fall line from Grand Master Sofer."

"What's that, Carl? You say we've got audio? Let's go live to hear the Melitzer's speech:"

"I believe with perfect faith that when the great day comes and Moshiach finally arrives...

he will almost definitely greet us with a 'Maneuver Alef'."

"Well, there you have it, Shlomo. Back to you in the studio."

So original it hurts

In which I steal a page from Sholom's book. I'll admit it, I'm lazy.

Recent Google searches that have brought people to my blog (now with 15% more snarkiness):

- Friar, Yiddish.

Oh so close. Alas, my knowledge of Yiddish is less than exemplary, something which would no doubt be mourned by my Hasidic, Misnagdic and dirty Commie ancestors alike. I do, however, enjoy being cursed out in Yiddish on wikipedia by angry haredim for having besmirched their precious rabbis' honor (by, you know, actually mentioning things they have done that have impacted the secular world- oh, and backing them up with heretical links, like Haaretz and the New York Times).

- "concrentation" camps.

I don't even know what this is. Presumably it's where people are killed and their bodies used to make concrete. I'm pretty sure they mentioned this at the Museum of Tolerance once.

- "has zion oil actually struck any oil".

It depends what you mean by "actually". Have they found oil? Yes. Are they yet at the point where it's anywhere near profitable? No. Do they continue to ask for investment money? Yes. Does this prove that one should make multi-million-dollar business decisions based on inaccurate Bible translations? As long as you know plenty of idiots who will keep investing in you.

- "lazer brody abraham martial art".

Abir Warrior Arts: Just when you thought the Kabbalah Center was as stupid as psuedo-historical Jewish mysticism could get. The only thing that's better than Lazer's love affair with these guys are the great pictures of the old blind men flailing swords around and the questionable linguistics and history the Abir guys use to prove they aren't full of crap- like, did you know that the word "Samurai" comes from "Shomer"? It all makes sense now, doesn't it? Sure it does, if you've got a brain tumor.

- "herouxville rules".

Yes, they are stupid and patronizing. Yes, in theory it's a quasi-decent idea. Yes, that one dude who they kept quoting really doesn't know when to shut up. No, I don't want to visit.

- "ovadia yosef dna witness rav".

Tonight on a very special CSI...

Ride 'em Jewboys

You know what's even better than actual problems facing Jews around the world? Totally cracked-out fantasies about bad-ass frontier Jews.

No, I'm not talking about Sol Star or Six-Gun Moses. I'm talking Abir Warrior Arts- which means Rav Lazer "high on crazy" Brody.

Lazer starts off strong:

King David killed a lion and a bear at age three, as a lone shepherd in the wilderness. As Hashem's anointed, he was not only a monumental Torah scholar, but a fierce fighter that spent every available minute in personal prayer.

Tell me, was he praying while practicing his sword-and-sling-play? Or did he just magically absorb these skills by osmosis? Or maybe he found a secret manual in a cave... sorry, I'm getting ahead of myself.

People find it hard to believe when the Zohar says that Israel is the fiercest of the nations. The missing piece to the puzzle is Abir - the ancient Hebrew art of combat; if folks knew about the secrets of combat that Hashem revealed to our forefathers, for He grants power to his faithful, then they'd understand exactly how the Zohar is so right on target.

There's the cave-book. Hi, Judaism-on-crack! *waves*

Anyway, yeah, I'm quite impressed by this. Apparently the only reason all the weird shit in the Bible doesn't make sense is because YOU, yeah, stupid skeptic you, didn't know about this crazy Jew-Jitsu, which, incidentally, Lazer can hook you up with discount lessons for. (Now with free coffee mug, with your choice of crazy Haredi rabbi face emblazoned on the side!)

How did Abraham kick ass, you ask? Abir. How did Jacob wrestle with "an evil archangel" [Really? I never heard that. Also, a friend who reads Hebrew and Greek says the Masoretic and Septuagint both have this verse as "man"- the angel bit is all midrash.]? Abir. Moses, Joshua, and all the Judges? Abir.

Yeah, this makes total sense. I wonder who else this works for. Ooh, Noah! How else could he have gotten all those animals to stay in line and get in the boat? All he had to do was Abir-chop a few lions with a "maneuver Aleph" before the rest of them got the hint. And Lot's wife? Duhh, clearly he hated her and didn't want to give her a divorce, and to get out of it, he kicked the air around her until all the water molecules in her body salinated! Man, this Abir stuff is even better than my copy of The Bible for Total Retards.

From generation to generation, a select few carried the secret of Abir - the ancient Hebrew art of combat. With the destruction of the first and second Temples, dispersion and exile among the nations, Abir was largely forgotten.

What, was the temple a dojo? Did the Holy of Holies have the Grand Master's Office and a vending machine?

As our faith in The Creator and the observance of His Torah and its laws and our devotion to prayer and scholarship took precedence throughout the Diaspora, our knowledge of Abir diminished with each passing generation.

Damn prayer and scholarship, they screw you every time.

Jews were held in contempt under the watchful suspicious eyes of their host nations who often sought to control them by limiting their mobility within the confines of a ghetto. In most cases, Jews were commonly denied the right to bear arms or own land and curfews were often enforced upon them.
Collectively congregating to train in Abir or any form of Jewish combat arts would have been seen as incitement to overthrow their hosts and an invitation to collective genocide. That occurred often in our history without any provocation. These harsh conditions were mirrored in Jewish Communities across Europe as well as in Asia and throughout the Middle East and Africa.

That's right, the fact that all the people who knew this secret martial art never practiced it in public and let themselves and all their neighbors be killed for hundreds of years to avoid being discovered and killed is a lot more believable than having them be helpless, powerless and not Mr. Miyagi.

So apparently out of all the people who knew Abir, the "more exotic" Jewish groups, like, say, this random clan in Yemen, preserved it better- predictably, because they "never assimilated". Right, because it's not like you could learn martial arts without reading Hebrew. And of all the exotic, random Yemenis, there was one family who preserved these secrets best. And it just so happens to be the dudes Lazer's friends with! And it turns out they're perfectly happy to share their ancient secrets with shmoes like you in exchange for holy, holy money.

This rare photo from 1922 is proof of something that history finds incredible: King Abdulla Ibn Hussein of Transjordan sits under the watchful eyes of his Jewish bodyguards, Habani Yemenite brothers Sayeed, Salaah, and Saadia Sofer (notice Safeed's especially long sidecurls, left), uncles of today's Abir Aluf, Grandmaster Yehoshua Sofer, may Hashem bless him.
Yehoshua Sofer's father, known as the "Abir Ro'im", or "shepherd knight", is the younger brother of Sayeed, Salaah, and Saadia pictured above, and the son of Nachman Sofer, the Abir master of his generation, a fierce warrior and kabbalist that had 5 wives.

So they were Arab shills and polygamists, but at least they had cool hats. Fantastic.

Today, Abir Ro'im is well over 100 years old, and blind.

Yeah, let's totally give him swords!

Yet, he still possesses an uncanny personal radar and could cope with literally any threat.

We get it, he's part iron-lung and part bat. Wonderful.

[Also, these guys look pretty damn white for a bunch of Yeminites. Compare the old man's skin tone to his three 'brothers' in the picture- they're quite the swarthy bunch- much darker than, say, the King of Jordan. And how can the young Grand Master have been "born into" the Breslover sect (source) if his father was Yemini? Wait, even better- apparently Sofer's grandfather- the 5-wife-guy- served in an infantry unit of the Russian Army while on a pilgrimage to Breslov (source). So, was he going from Yemen to Breslov? And where did he hear about Breslov in the first place?

Wait, it gets even better! In ANOTHER interview, Sofer said he was the "scion of a Breslov family that traces its lineage to the brother of Rebbe Nachman of Breslov himself! (source) Ok, let's give Sofer the benefit of the doubt: maybe it's his mother who's descended from Nachman. Or maybe his one of his grandfather's wives (the present GM's ancestor) was descended from Nachman, and that's how the grandfather heard about him. Or maybe the grandfather was part Yeminite and part-descended-from Nachman, and that's why he was a Breslover and on a pilgrimage, and that's how Sofer was "born into" the sect, and why he looks as white as sour cream. Of course, that doesn't quite account for how old Blindy's (half?-)brothers have the complexion of coffee while he looks like an Irishman who's never seen the light of day. But hey, maybe this all a bunch of "I'm authentic because I'm vaguely Arabic and therefore exotic" hooey. Or maybe Sofer's given so many interviews he's forgotten what he's already said.]
Apparently the Abir guys have fallen on hard times, though, which is too bad, because, according to Lazer anyway, the new Grand Master is a really great guy. He can even see; what a catch!
So you should all send him money. Not for himself, but for the sake of the Jewish people and its mysterious, not-quite-existant, possibly-Yemnite-maybe, pseudo-martial art.

Without a backer(s) or sponsor(s), Abir is an endangered species.

Think of your grandchildren, and do the right thing. Do you really want them to live in a world without Abir Warrior Arts?

P.S.

Also, the Abir dudes are sooo cool, a lot of old rabbis used them as bodyguards. Because, you know, if there's one thing 112-year-old Kabbalists who spend almost all their time inside study halls need (besides drool-catchers), it's bodyguards.