Funny Hats

Some say it's a sign of immaturity to ignore the deeper issues of people's message and to only focus on the external. There are ancient folk-tales where good men disguise themselves and visit the clueless populace to find out just how they really treat people when the good guys aren't around. Odin did it, tons of Scottish kings did it, the Baal Shem Tov did it, even Elijah (supposedly) does it.

So really, when I ignore the profound matters involved in Abir® Warrior Arts and just make fun of Sofer's clothes, doesn't it just reflect poorly on me?

Maybe so.

But I don't care.

"Here in the new summer-wear we have Abir® Aluf Yehoshua Sofer, in a fun number that both harkens back to his ancient Yemeni heritage while also doubling as a beach-blanket!"

"That's right, Tom, and for extra protection against the sun, heat and evil eye, be sure to employ this updated cross-cultural style combining Yemeni desert robes with Haredi suits. A friend tells me it just drives the women wild (or would, if they were allowed to look at him)."

"Now, Stan, apparently Sofer chose this ensemble to highlight both parts of his not-quite-well-explained ancestry, right?"

"Indeed, Greg. Sofer claims to be descended from Yemeni karate-masters as well as Rabbi Nachman of Breslov's chief assistant water-carrier in charge of water-carrying on alternate Tuesdays."

"Wow. Half-Yemeni and half Breslover. Cool."

"Oh no, Lars. All of Sofer's Yemeni ancestors were ALSO Breslovers. In fact, his grandfather, who was a super-Yemeni, learned Korean jujitsu in the Russian army after being attacked on a pilgrimage to the Ukraine. That was how he became convinced that neither Korean jujitsu, Russian wrestling, or nude Greco-Orthodox curling could hold a candle to the ancient ways of Yemeni ABIR® Warrior Arts. "

"Wait... They're Yemeni but they were in the Ukraine? How does that even work?"

"Look, Klaus, that's not important. What's important is that various Torah Sages, who of course know all about Jewish history and global martial arts culture, have determined that this is the real deal. He teaches your kids Torah, ethics, ABIR®, penmanship, ABIR®, emnuna, ABIR®, and now, fashion sense. Compared to all that, Lakewood just sounds like a rip-off, doesn't it?"

"I guess, but..."

"But don't believe us, let's ask the Melitzer Rebbe shlita! Here he is shitting a brick in divine ecstasy, racked with anticipation at the thought of seeing the new fall line from Grand Master Sofer."

"What's that, Carl? You say we've got audio? Let's go live to hear the Melitzer's speech:"

"I believe with perfect faith that when the great day comes and Moshiach finally arrives...

he will almost definitely greet us with a 'Maneuver Alef'."

"Well, there you have it, Shlomo. Back to you in the studio."