Chuck Norris is a witch

Chuck Norris, apparently having not read Exodus 22:18 very carefully (or Sam 28:4), decided to use his newfound powers of necromancy today to summon the great spirits of the Founding Fathers and ask them what SUV they would drive who they'd support for President.

Take it away, Chuck.

Wait, what's that? It's actually NOT the Founding Fathers but rather one pastor who was in the same room as them? Well, that's sort of the same thing, right? I mean, I once got a letter from President Bush I, which is pretty close to being in his cabinet.

For Foster and our Founders, government is a ''divine appointment,'' an ordained institution of God, and ''an important mean of delivering us from the evils of the apostasy; and designed to prepare us for the more encouraging restraints the gospel enjoins.'' As such, it too has Jesus Christ, not some nebulous and neutered god, as its head.

Unless of course, you're a heretic like Tomas Jefferson, or a Deist like George Washington, or a Satanist like John Adams, or a complete nutjob like Franklin or Paine.

The key text of Foster's sermon was Proverbs 8:16 in the Bible, "By Me princes rule, and nobles, all who judge rightly.'' "In the text, the person speaking is doubtless Jesus Christ,'' Foster unabashedly declared, pointing out that he is Wisdom personified and the God upon whom governmental leaders should lean.

Also that he had been getting into the "good snuff" that morning.

"The text leads us to speak of civil government, as ordained of God, in the hands of the mediator; of civil rulers, as holding their commission and authority under Christ; of their duty and dignity as his Ministers, and of the duty and privilege of the people under their administration."

Unlike today, no politician then would have ever even thought of Foster's words as religiously pejorative or prejudice, for Christianity was the only religion upon which our Republic was founded.

And as we all know, if somebody in the past didn't think of or weren't aware of something, modern people are duty-bound to respect that oversight/mistake/ignorance and never change it. Which is why we still have things like slavery in America, or teach that all matter is created out of water, I mean air, I mean fire, or say that the universe was created in six standard days. It doesn't matter if it makes sense or is even accurate, the point is, SOME OLD GUY ONCE THOUGHT SO. It's called respecting your elders.

It was clergy, not imams, who were called to speak before legislatures.

And again, because the founding fathers did one thing, X, possibly not even knowing about other views, approaches, religions, peoples, etc... obviously means they would have actively EXCLUDED anything other than X! Brilliant!

Even Jefferson did not propose a separation between mosque and state, just as he could never have imagined a democracy in which its congressmen were sworn into government upon a Quran.

Heaven forbid! Of course, he also couldn't have imagined a democracy in which women attended universities alongside men, people used electric lights, or Jews sang black music while wearing dorky Sherlock Holmes costumes. Also, curse today's stupid diversity! Why can't it be like it was back in the good ol' 18th century, when Jews were only allowed in Georgia and Rhode Island and black people knew their place?

Chuck concludes:

As a guest host on Fox's ''Hannity & Colmes'' a couple weeks ago, I made known my desire for Newt Gingrich to run for president, a prospect WND reported on a few years ago. Many since have asked me, ''Why Newt?'' In short, because despite personal past shortcomings, I believe Newt is a Republican as they used to be and, even more, meets the criteria established by men of old, evidenced in his books, ''Rediscovering God in America'' and ''Winning the Future.''

Oh yeah, because when I think of Newt Gingrich, I think of disgruntled Whigs and Free-Soilers. You know, kind of like how Bill Clinton is the living incarnation and direct ideological descendant of Alexander Hamilton and Andrew Jackson.

He's by no means a perfect man or candidate, but I think one of few true conservative Republicans remaining. I don't condone his indiscretions of the past, but, as with other leaders even in Scripture, I also don't condemn him from ever running for an office again because of them.

In an age where the left are going right and the right going left, we need someone at the helm of our country who holds to old-fashioned values but can still lead into a bold new age. I believe Newt or someone like him could fit the bill. At this point, I'd love to see him run. And if not? I'll be measuring the candidates by ''Our Founders' recommendations for president."

By which you mean one guy who got applauded by some of the Founders. Because as we all know, not walking out or beating someone with a stick indicates tacit acceptance of every wacky thing they say.

So remember folks, one guy who was politely patronized by the Founding Fathers would have liked Newt Gingrich (when he wasn't condemning him for his divorces), and Chuck Norris can read the minds of the dead. Good things to know.