Profoundly Not Ok

Real life has been busy, so the blog hasn't. More to come, but first... geez. We've talked about Lazer Brody's lack of sense, timing, and self-awareness many times before. We've also discussed the fact that often Lazer seems to genuinely want to use his words to help people heal, which I respect.

But here's the thing, Lazer. Stuff like this... It doesn't help. At all.

We've been flooded with letters of grieving people asking about the meaning of this. All I can say is that Nathan and Raizy were undoubtedly flawless tzaddikim whom Hashem chose as ritual sacrifices for all of Klal Yisroel. Such a tragedy obligates every single one of us to wake up, assess ourselves and return to Hashem.

You know what isn't going to bring anybody close to anything remotely resembling traditional Judaism? Suggesting that innocents being killed in tragic, senseless accidents is part of God demanding ritual sacrifice. In such a tragedy anybody with an ounce of sense and humility is obligated to do nothing more than say a prayer for the dead, support their families, and shut their damn mouths.

The couple's last name - Glauber - is Yiddish for "believer". We have nothing else to lean on but our emuna, our belief in Hashem.

Stop. Just stop. Stop the pat answers, stop pretending to know what God's "plan" is to make horrible car accidents make sense, and stop leaning on gematria or surname etymology or any other nonsense a first year yeshiva students learns in Half-Assing your Drash 101. People are dead, and this is not ok. Give condolences, start a charity fund, but PLEASE, no more. People are watching and hurting, and this... isn't helping anyone.

The Joys of Recycling

We've talked about Lazer recycling his posts before, most notably in 2009 when he wrote a post called "Hashem's Signature," which it turned out was a word-for-word repeat of something he had written back in 2005 under the name "The Creator's Autograph."

Well, whether due to High Holiday busy-ness or just general laziness on the Emunah Rebbe's part, he's done it again. Remember his 2008 post about not ignoring dents? In which Lazer counseled a young woman named Suzanne that the reason she kept getting into minor car accidents was that she wasn't covering her hair?

Well either Lazer's run out of ideas or Suzanne has a creepy identical twin sister who suffers the same tznius problems as she does (and drives the same car), because a scant three years later, we get to read about the exact same story, only this time, the lady's name is Ricki.

Interestingly, if you try to find the original "Don't Ignore the Dent" story from 2008, it is now unavailable via Lazer's blog. Thanks to the almighty power of Google-caching, however, we can see that it was still there as recently as last August, shining in all its now-plagiarized glory.

Seriously, the only things changed are the woman's name and the date she's writing to him. (Apparently October 30, 2008 doesn't have the same poignant ring as September 11, 2011. Classy, Lazer.)

I wouldn't mind if Lazer just rehashed a post about why tznius is important (setting aside the ridiculous magical thinking of dissecting a complete stranger's letter about how she's a bad driver to guess at random personality failings), but I don't understand why he rips off his own writing and presents it as totally new material, without even bothering to change the title!

When this happened with Creator's Autograph, I didn't really care. It was silly, but that was about it. This is a little more serious, though, because this post is purporting to be a real letter from a real reader asking for help and advice-- and clearly, it's been fabricated. There is no way this "Ricki" person could be for real. Not that I was taking anything Lazer says as gospel to begin with, but it's sad to be faced with the real possibility that some of the stuff he posts that people have "supposedly" written to him are made up. What's even sadder is that he thought no one would notice.

For a guy who claims to be trying to reach out to the whole world as his audience, Lazer sure doesn't think very highly of his readers.

It's all about stupid

I wonder what it's like to feel the world actually revolves around you. Well, you and your pet causes.

Lazer's back with more stupid explanations about why the universe is still being mean to people. Which is to say, existing.

For instance, did you know that weather patterns happen? Apparently this is news to Lazer, who is convinced that the only explanation for a Hurricane hitting the Eastern seaboard is that God is mad. About what? We'll let the nutty nougatty goodness speak for itself:

Hashem doesn't do things at random. Why is hurricane Irene advancing toward the good and decent folks of North Carolina? It's simple - North Carolina has its own Jonah:Jonathan Pollard, rotting away in a cell in Butner for the last 26 years when his crime should have incurred no more than an 8-year sentence. Words can't describe the cruel utterly inhuman way that Pollard has been treated, not being allowed to see his dying father or even attend his funeral.
The USA could save itself billions of impending damage and lives as well by freeing Pollard right now. There's no doubt in my mind or heart that Irene will just disappear if Pollard walks out of Butner. There's proof to what I'm saying in the Gemara - see tractate Brachot 59a: When Hashem sees that his children in exile are in anguish, He sheds two tears in the sea. Hashem's two tears because of Pollard could be what's causing Hurricane Irene to be such a threat right now.

(I'm sorry to say that the unfortunate attempt at gematria-esque bolding is in the original.)

Honestly, what can I say about this? Is there even any point in mentioning that the hurricane affected 15 other states (as well as those pesky countries in the Caribbean) besides North Carolina? Or that of the 54 confirmed fatalities, only six occurred there? I mean, if you're going to try to come up with random rationalizations for weather patterns, at least do it after the fact when the numbers can back up your BS. I don't even see how Lazer can hold to his own theory in light of where the damage and deaths were most concentrated. Does God hate New York & New Jersey 2.5 times as much as North Carolina? Why didn't the prayers and mitzvot from all the pious Yidden in Lakewood and Boro Park save them from more of the wrathiness? It seems to me that if we're going to pretend Irene was all about punishing North Carolina then the only options are that either God doesn't know where North Carolina is or he got drunk and was just waving the hurricane wand around willy-nilly. I also like how Lazer believes that not only is God willing to kill a bunch of people (including a Jewish Holocaust survivor, whoopsies) to protest one guy's long prison sentence, but that apparently hurricanes can be turned off at the drop of a hat. On the other hand, as long as we're just making things up, I suppose there's no harm in being consistent in our silliness. Did I mention that volcanic eruptions are not caused by tectonic shifts but rather by giant mutant dolphins ramming head-first into each other like mountain goats, fighting over the hottest females? Look it up.

As painfully mind-warping as Lazer's ideas are, I kind of understand the urge to want to make disasters and natural phenomenon make sense and fit into some sort of plan. Unlike the theodicy crowd, I have spent lots of time recognizing that the world was not terribly concerned about me. I suppose in some ways I was always a little overly concerned with the "big picture." I remember having nightmares as a kid and my parents trying to console me by asking me what was wrong. "I dreamed the universe blew up!" I would wail (this was a recurring dream for several years). Baffled, they couldn't think of anything to say, other than, "Well, it didn't!"

In high school, college, and even occasionally today, I wrestle with the idea that, contrary to what various religions' theology teach, science has shown that the Earth is on a countdown with destiny, that eventually our sun will burn out and our planet will cease to be a place that can support life. Everything we do, everyone we know, all our future children and generations... there will be a time where it's all snuffed out.

That's very hard to take. It's a real challenge to look life in the face and not be a little scared by the recognition that we're all a little doomed, and that nothing will outlast our planet's destruction. That there is a finite end to our time here, and that there will be an end to humanity. It's pretty heavy, no question.

But I would still rather deal with those real dilemmas than make up stupid, offensive, and yes, EXTREMELY SELF-CENTERED reasons for why things happen in the world.

News flash, Lazer: hurricanes aren't Jewish. Volcanoes aren't Jewish. Earthquakes aren't Jewish. They really don't care about US-Israel relations, Jonathan Pollard, or a gay pride parade in holy Yerushelayim.

You may think the Earth cares about the Jews (both good and bad), but I'm pretty sure it's neutral. Just saying.


Edit: Double Theodicy score! Lazer adds R. Moshe Yosef Reichenberg, the Orthodox father of four who died rescuing a child and father from a downed power line to his list of tzaddikim taken away by God to... um, punish us into making teshuvah, I guess? Thanks?

Now, I know I'm not frum, so maybe I'm missing something, but I have to ask: Lazer, as an ostensibly "outreach-focused" rabbi, isn't your job supposed to be encouraging us to, you know, like God? Just wondering.

Do not pass go, do not collect anything

Sorry to be trading in frum-bashing the first day after Tisha B'Av (hope those fasting had an easy time of it), but I've got to say something:

The recent murder of Rav Elazar Abuhatzeira is many things. It is horrible. It is shocking. It is, perhaps, yet another wakeup call to the fact that frum communities are not immune from mental illness, emotional instability or violence. It may also highlight the dangers of groupthink, yes-men, and of people whose charisma overwhelm both their own common sense and the ability of their family and friends to help protect them from themselves and their own perhaps unhealthy tendencies.

However, there are some things the Baba Elazar's murder is most certainly not:

1- It is not "Divine punishment" for Jewish sins (Haredi singing, in Amnon Yitzhak's case).

2- It is not, not, a "sacrifice" to spare collective punishment for those aforementioned sins (the gay pride parade in Jerusalem, in Lazer Brody's case). The fact that "leading rabbis," including the Baba Elazar's own family members, are even engaging in this kind of thought experiment is quite disturbing and, frankly, sick. I wish the Abuchatzeira family support and strength as they work to move on from this tragedy, but suggesting that the rabbi's brutal death was a message from God as a wake-up call or a sacrifice to save world Jewry is nothing short of disgusting. If it's a wake-up call about anything, it should be that there are dangerous people in all sorts of communities, and that putting all of your faith and mental sense in the hands of a single leader, be they spiritual, political or whatever, is at best a bad idea and at worst can lead to terrible disillusionment.

Extra awful points to Lazer for stepping even further past the boundary of good taste and including another murder victim, 8-year-old Leiby Kletzky, in the most obscene bit of theodicy he's come up with since Hurricane Katrina. (Lazer also includes the recently-deceased Spinka rebbe and Lithuanian Rav Michel Lefkowitz as a proof that tzaddikim from all segments of world Jewry are being "sacrificed." In this reading, there's no substantial difference between a 79 or 97-year-old dying in their bed surrounded by loved ones and a terrified rabbi or child being viciously murdered by a crazed knife-wielding maniac. Go figure.)

I don't have a grudge against frum people, I really don't. But reading things like this, it's very hard to see or feel very much of a connection between my Judaism and Lazer's. To be honest, it feels like we're on different planets. The one bright side is that I found at least one frum woman (who seems pretty Haredi to boot) who seems to not trust Lazer and his pals farther than she can throw them. I guess there's hope?

Hat-tip: Failed Messiah.

A failure to communicate

Though I've spent many, many hours reading the internet works of R. Lazer Brody, every so often it still feels like we're on slightly different planets. It's like I'm from Earth and he's from... I don't know, Jupiter?

Case in point: a cute story about a thirsty three year old.

Dear Rabbi Lazer,As my 3 year old was lying in bed - to go to sleep, he called out for a drink. When my response took longer than a few seconds, he immediately turned to ask Hashem. He told Hashem that he's only a toddler, and he needs a drink. 

We have been listening to your Emuna CDs in the car and although I try not to have them on when he's in the car so that I can spend the time talking to him. Recently, the lessons have been so good that the few times that I just can't get myself to turn them off, seems to be rubbing off on him. I couldn't believe the way my 3-year old was actually doing hitbodedut and talking to Hashem! Maybe I should have him listen to the CDs more often...

Think about this: the mother and Lazer are high-fiving over the fact that the kid is asking God for water. This despite the fact that there is NO chance of God actually filling up a glass and magic-floating it over to his bed, thereby setting up Job Jr. for some major disappointment and/or confusion. Nice. Is the assumption that he just needs to learn that God does things on his own time? Or maybe the thought is that this little guy's lived with his childish notions of a God that does everything for you whenever you ask for too long. I mean, the kid is three, for Heaven's sake. Time to grow up.

Look guys, if you want your kids to pray and have a personal relationship with God that's fine, but little kids praying for tangible results immediately is a recipe for disaster. Instead of being happy that your kid expects basic needs to bet met through prayer, maybe try explaining that if he wants water he either needs to get it himself or ask an actual person. Just a thought.

Fun with pictures

Tzvi and Lazer have been busy in the New Year. Lazer's revamped his site a little, adding a snappy new frontispiece:

Though I know it's supposed to show his deep spiritual side, I can't help instantly coming up with "Rabbi Blockhead." Does this make me a terrible person?

But wait, there's more. Tzvi's been writing about his favorite topic again, masturbation. To try to encourage all wayward Jews to repent during the six-week Shovavim period, when the Torah readings cover the Exodus section of the Torah. Tzvi says that scoffers should be careful about making fun of the Jewish tradition of treating Shovavim as a great time for working on sexual transgressions. In particular, he says porn surfers and folks who don't observe niddah should know that it's just a matter of time before their sins get unleashed on their innocent family members. (Truly, our God is an awesome God...)

For this reason, our Sages call out to us to return in repentance at this time of “Shovavim,” saying, “Shuvu banim shovavim,” (Jeremiah, 3:14) “Return you rebellious children.”

Quite. However Tzvi's next move is truly awe-inspiring for its randomness. Tzvi now transfers the identity of the "children" from lost Jews to their lost seed. Um, gross.

Because semen contains myriads of living souls, when a person willfully transgresses, or errs in whatever manner, these souls, and the Holy Names of Hashem which they possess, are lost and compelled to wander painfully in an impure netherworld, unless they are rectified through the sincere t’shuva of the person who sinned. The best time for this repentance, to rescue these spiritual “children,” “banim shovavim,” from bondage, is the period of “Shovavim.”

I don't want to picture what this particular rescue would look like. Presumably it would be called something like "Operation Sticky Carpet."

To wrap up this bizarre train of thought, Tzvi provides us with a delightfully brain-melting image: A (prayer?)-robot rescuing a lost sperm, complete with kamikaze-esque battle cry.

My God, why hast thou forsaken me?

Oil, oil everywhere, and many boneheads to talk about it

Prophecy is fun, isn't it? It helps you decipher the news and interpret what otherwise would seem to be random unfortunate events into things with super cosmic significance.

But... what happens when you can't get your story straight?

Good times, of course.

First up we have a typical fire and brimstone commentary from a couple of wacko Protestant ministers. We're already familiar with Hal Lindsey around here (he's still claiming that Zion Oil is going to strike it rich any day now). But this Carl Gallups guy is a new one. Let's see what he's got to say:

"April the 19th, Israel celebrates its independence in 2010," Gallups says in narration on the video. "On April the 19th, Fox News reports that the U.S. will no longer automatically support Israel in the United Nations. The next day, on April the 20th, the Deepwater Horizon oil rig explodes. Coincidence? Or the hand and judgment of God?"

Hmm. Intriguing. Do you have any evidence to support your claim, or, failing that, random bible verses you can misinterpret to vaguely fit the occasion?

In the Book of Genesis, God told him, "I will make you into a great nation and I will bless you; I will make your name great, and you will be a blessing. I will bless those who bless you, and whoever curses you I will curse ... ."

Nice.

Gallups says while he was preparing his radio show, he wondered what else happened in the time frame of the rig explosion, to see if there was any connection to anything biblical at all.

He found the Fox News article dated April 19, and said what's significant about the date is that it's Israel's Independence Day this year.

Although Israel's original declaration took place May 14, 1948, the annual celebration actually floats from year to year in Israel, based on the lunar-based Hebrew calendar, and took place on April 19, 2010.

Upon realizing the date connection, "I looked at that and chills went up and down my spine," he told WND. "That's when I knew there was a correlation. To me, I just immediately felt a spiritual connection to it. If you have a spiritual perception at all, it really hits you hard."

Um... why, exactly? It's not like America suddenly got a divine gift certificate after supporting Israel's creation in 1948. Why would we get such a sudden smack-down for going the other way? And incidentally, Rev, Israel celebrating its birthday is not really a "Biblical connection." Finding some pottery shards from the First Temple, that's a biblical connection. Stumbling over some ancient scrolls, that's a biblical connection. The fact that things happen in Israel according to the Hebrew calendar is not a biblical connection, it's a logical result of using the calendar. That's like saying a guy in Tel Aviv slipping on a banana peel is a "biblical connection" to Deuteronomy 32:35, or Jeremiah 23:12.

Hal Lindsey, having more mustache than brains, unsurprisingly agrees:

"I believe this is evidence that when you turn your back on Israel, especially when you've been a supporter, you're gonna see judgments come from God," said Hal Lindsey, author of "The Late Great Planet Earth."

"It's finally reaching the point where God is removing His protection from us," he said. "I believe we back away from being a friend to Israel at our peril. We need to come back to be a supporter of one who is so important in God's plan."

Regarding the oil spill specifically, Lindsey said, "I think that this disaster is just one of many disasters. Our country is falling apart economically. The current government is overturning our constitutional republic, turning it into a socialist country. That's about as big a curse as you can get. We just have one catastrophe after another and then we have this big wake-up call in the Gulf."

Hmm, sounds pretty doomsday-ey.

Lindsey, who at age 80 is still active analyzing Bible prophecy on his website, said in preparation for his programs, he studies current world events, taking note of calamities.

"It used to be you'd have to hunt for things, but now it's a matter of sorting out which one you're gonna use. There are just so many catastrophes and disasters," he said. "That's not a popular view to take, by the way, as critics will say, 'There they go again.' No one wants to address true judgment from God."

Yeah, not like back in the day like during the Great Depression or the Nixon years, when you couldn't turn on the TV or open a newspaper without being gobsmacked with good news.

Ok, so the Protestants see this as a catastrophe and a curse. But let's see what our favorite Jewish would-be-prophet says. Lazer?

The Prophecy of Gushing Oil

With oil still gushing into the Gulf of Mexico and now reaching Louisiana's marshes and rivers, it looks like yet another prophecy is being fulfilled:

Right, the Genesis one. But we heard that already.

"I will create sediment in their waters and rivers and make them flow like oil, the word of The Lord Hashem" (Ezekiel 32:14).

First of all, all you wingnuts need to have a meeting so you can get your story straight. Number two, isn't that oil reference there just a metaphor? It looks like a straight-up direct comparison to me. Isn't claiming that "make water flow like oil" equals "contaminate water with oil" sort of like arguing that Psalm 29's "He makes Lebanon skip like a calf" predicts the eventual genetic mutation of the Lebanese into a kind of hybrid human-veal species?

Sigh. At least there's one thing everyone can agree on. Hal?

WND asked Lindsey if he thought we're now in the "end time" spoken of in the Bible before the return of Jesus Christ to Earth.

"I think the prophecies are written that they encourage us to look for Christ's return," he said. "It's written so that it's imminent, that it could come at any time."

Oh good. And Lazer?

The Gemara that we learn this week (Sanhedrin 98a) says that when the waters are heavy with oil, and the fish can no longer live, then these are the days when Moshiach is imminent.

Sweet. I'll be moving to the moon if anyone needs me.

We Don't Need No Stinking Facts

Ok, so Lazer claims the volcano in Iceland is divine punishment. That's not entirely surprising, we've heard this goofiness before from "Rabbi Rambo." But here's the twist: Lazer claim is that the Icelandic eruption is divine punishment for ENGLAND.

The bumbling Brits didn't realize that when you mess around with Jerusalem and the Wall, you mess around with Hashem.

"Aha, Great Britain - are you so brazen to discourage tourism to My Holy City?" Hashem asks. "You question My children's right to their Father's palace? You shall not have a single tourist entering or leaving your silly Island!"

So what did Hashem do?

Hashem let a remote volcano in Iceland erupt, from the Icelandic mountain Eyjaffjalljokull, whose ash cloud grounded all air traffic above Britain yesterday, leaving thousands of passengers stranded.

...No one remembers when British airspace was totally closed. Such a natural phenomena as an atmospheral ash cloud is one in a zillion. But, Hashem in implementing His Divine justice is defying statistics more and more as we get closer to Moshiach.

All those facts may be technically true, Lazer, but here's the million dollar question- if God has a grudge against England... why punish Iceland to get to them? I mean, seriously, what did the Icelandic government (or farming industry) do to anger Hashem lately? Is God mad because Icelandic cows aren't schechted properly?

Wow Lazer. I didn't think your random theodicy theories could get much worse. Now I see they don't just minimize the pain and impact of being the victim of a natural disaster, AND reduce God into the equivalent of a vindictive elderly neighbor who goes around punching kids to get revenge for them hitting balls into his yard, they also are extremely self-centered. Apparently a volcano can't even erupt in Scandinavia without it being connected to Israel somehow. Self-absorbed much?

If you look out the window on your right, you can see... MORE JEWS!

Lazer Brody likes nothing better than bragging about how humble he is. Well, maybe one thing. Has he told you about the time he was made an honorary Cherokee? It was kind of a quid-pro-quo for him declaring that the Cherokee were "totally" a Lost Tribe of Israel.

I looked for a drop of information that connects the Indians of North America to the lost tribes of Israel, exiled and dispersed by Sannherib and the Assyrians in 772 BCE, and encountered a flood of evidence indicating that the Indians, particularly the Cherokees, are certainly one of the lost tribes of Israel - some say Dan, others say Zevulun.
High cheek bones? Jewish nose? Braided and untouched payis? Fringes on his shirt? Was Sitting Bull really a descendant of Israel? Many say yes.

High cheekbones? I wish I had me some of those. Guess I must be a Khazar like grandma always said. Also, I thought "Jewish nose" was a no-no, unless you're working from odd medical texts from the 1850s which describe it as "a good money-getting nose." Incidentally, braided hair is not the same thing as peyot (ah, but notice the linguistic similarities between peyot and peyote, hmmm....)

Lazer so impressed his Cherokee counterparts with his fawning Jew-dentials that they were eager to start strutting their stuff and rubbing it in other Natives' faces.

although other Indians hate to admit, it has always been known that the Cherokee has been blessed with gifted minds; that is also a result of our tribal roots in ancient Israel

That's right, the Cherokee are much cooler than the other Indians because they're Jewish, so there. Take that, you goyish Apaches!

But things have become a little more complicated recently.

Is the mystery of Navajo roots connected to the Priestly Garments dating back to the time of Moses, Aaron, and Betzalel? Is Navajo weaving the "Ma'ase oreg" mentioned in the Torah? Could the Navajos be another lost tribe of Israel?

Oh God. Just strike me down right here.

Rabbi Wolf Brother!!! The Navajo is a tribe you would love. Their refusal to assimilate is astounding and continues to this day. There are many on the Navajo rez that still do not speak or read English.

Ah, so they're the Hasidim of Native Americans. Lovely.

It is believed by some spiritual leaders here that just before Moshiach, the Navajo will be raised up by HaShem and become the spiritual forerunners of America (maybe because of the least sin of any natives, and maybe because they too are Jews?).

Sure, why the hell not. Everybody into the pool, I mean, mikvah.

Lazer, not only are you ripping off weird Mormon theology as well as spreading bizarro pseudoscience as conceived by weird early Anglo-anthropologists, you're also starting to incite not-quite-healthy rivalries between tribes about who can out-Jew each other. When I hear that the Ojibwe are opening a Kabbalah Centre, I'll know who to blame.

People in Crystal Balls shouldn't throw stones...

Like his fellow Breslover alarmist Tzvi Fishman, Lazer Brody has been beating the doomsday drum for American Jewry for quite some time. After all, otherwise they'd have one less reason for American Jews to make aliyah.

Whether you believe in the autistics or not, they have blood-chilling forecasts about what's in store for America's Jews.

No, you didn't read that wrong. Not "statistics," autistics. Apparently around Lazer autistic Jews operate much like Tom Cruise's "precogs" in Minority Report. Who knew?

Obama's job is to hasten the Geula by forcing us all to return to Hashem and return to our Holy Land of Israel. Start making plans now, because you never know when the gates will be slammed shut.

Jews must leave a hostile country "before the gates shut yet again"? Now you're stealing Yechiel Eckstein's shtick, Lazer. Shame on you, the man only has so many schemes.

And there's more.

Now, he's your President. He wants to create and fund his own Brownshirts, a mandatory civilian "defense force" stronger than the army. Has America, particularly Jewish America, totally lost its sense of smell? One can't smell with one's head in the ground...

First of all, Lazer, civil defense forces in the US have been around since World War One, albeit not always with the best results. There is nothing wrong or sinister in wanting private citizens to be well-trained to respond to natural disasters or emergency situations. Admittedly, such a program should also be organized to be well-integrated with state and federal agencies as well. However, comparing the very idea to the Brownshirts isn't just insulting, it's downright stupid.

Think about this: Neighborhood watches are civil defense forces. Zaka is a form of a civil defense force. Hatzalah is a civil defense force. Volunteer firefighters are a civil defense force. Many of these organizations have excellent reputations among the communities they serve. There might be reasonable issues to take with the idea of a national civil defense force explictly designed to be more powerful than the army, but suggesting that Obama is trying to organize a Hitler Youth or a Putin-style Nashi movement (or, for that matter, Jr. Askonim) isn't just off-base, it's dishonest fear-mongering.

But that's not the best of it. On the same week Lazer is proclaiming that US Jews should abandon all hope and "head for the hills" (of Judea), what bright news do we get from the holy land?

- Haredim attacking gay youths for putting up signs protesting attacks on gay youths.

- The government continuing to hold thousands upon thousands of non-religious Israelis hostage to Orthodox halacha, preventing them from marrying whoever they please.

- Continued insanity from the Chief Rabbinate refusing to recognize any Orthodox diaspora conversions except those done by the few that "they trust", leaving everyone else in limbo. (Even Lazer thinks this is nuts.) On the flip side, you have the High Court finally forcing the Rabbinate to stop discrminating against non-Orthodox movements and fund their conversion activities too, which I predict will be met by both a firestorm of criticism and as much heel-dragging as possible.

- Even when a dati leumi rabbi suggests having a shul that is "friendly and open to women", theoretically something not very controversial, he still gets hammered for it and has his credentials questioned.

I don't know, it sounds like Israel might not be the best place for us non-Ortho, gay loving liberals, Lazer.

But wait! It gets better! On the same day that Lazer is trying to scare American Jews to move to Israel because it isn't safe, what should happen at the focal point of the Breslover universe, the site of the famous annual pilgrimage, an area that has seen tons of money and goodwill invested over the past two decades as Breslovers try to reclaim Uman for Nachman's holy soul?

Ukrainian television reported Friday that a building housing Rebbe Nachman of Breslov Hasidim in the city of Uman has been set on fire.

A sign! Uman isn't safe for Jews! The gates are closing. Make Aliyah now Lazer!

Hmmm... maybe they had a point a year ago.

Anything to advance an argument

Lazer's back with some great new theodicy. And by great, I mean disgusting.

Feast your eyes on this bit of (apparently-kosher) tripe submitted by a Lazer correspondent named Elliot:

I have compiled a catalogue of recent events in the UK which demonstrate how Hashem takes care of those who hate us.

And by "takes care of," he means in the Godfather sense.

The first example is ok. Jacqui Smith barred Moshe Feiglin from coming to Israel, now she's hit by political scandal. Fine, whatever. It has all the usual problems with theodicy, but it's not as horribly objectionable as what comes next.

During the recent Gaza war, a member of the British House of Lords called Lord Nazir Ahmed stood up in parliament demanding that any British citizen who has served in the IDF should be arrested and imprisoned. This, he said, is because the IDF were 'killing innocent civilians'. A short while later it was announced on the news that Lord Ahmed had been sentenced to imprisonment for dangerous driving. He was texting on his mobile whilst driving his car at speed, and caused a fatal accident in which an innocent motorist was killed.

Oh snap! And it's extra ironic because the MP killed an innocent "civilian" of the road! Man, what a wicked sense of humor that God has. Hey, Elliot, quick question, though-- I know Lord Ahmed was an enemy of Hashem and all, but what exactly did the motorist do to get on his bad side? (Wait, wait, don't tell me... did he forget to get his car's mezuzahs checked?)

The next story is almost spooky in its obvious 'turn for a turn'. In January 2004 Jenny Tonge, a Liberal Democrat Member of Parliament for Richmond Park, London, publicly expressed sympathy for Palestinian suicide bombers. She said if she was a Palestinian, she would be suicide bomber.

Oh, you mean like Barak said in an interview ten years ago?

Later that year an article appeared in the national press that could easily have been missed. A woman, daughter of a London MP, died in a freak accident in her kitchen, she was electrocuted. Her mother, yes, Jenny Tonge, she who empathised with the savage murderers of Jewish children lost her own child. She hasn't yet got the message because she is still involved in demonstrations showing her hatred of Israel; but we can certainly learn and take note.

Again, I like how we're jeering that a political opponent has "gotten what's coming to them" through the death of an uninvolved third party. Given that Elliot wants us to take notes here, I guess the lesson is, "If your parents say things God doesn't like, make sure you stay far away from them, maybe change your name, get plastic surgery, etc." Also, apparently Elliot's God hasn't read Deuteronomy 24:16 or Ezekiel 18:20.

But wait, there's more! Sometimes Hashem takes his revenge on you even if you don't say ANYTHING!

Going back in time a little, one time British Foreign Secretary Robin Cook demonstrated he was no friend of Israel. On an official visit to the country, after the obligatory visit to Yad vaShem he made a point of visiting Deir Yassin to lay a wreath there. Every self-respecting anti-semite knows all about Deir Yassin, where legend has it that Israelis committed an isolated atrocity against Arabs during the 1948 War of Independence. The story has been refuted by the very Arabs who were there. Nevertheless, Mr Cook had to balance his nasty little equation; the Holocaust and Deir Yassin.

Uh huh. Interesting side-note, guess who DIDN'T refute the Deir Yassin "story"? The Irgun.

Shortly after this Mr Cook's sordid private life was publicised in the national press. After years of cheating on his wife, he cruelly left her for his younger secretary and the papers had a field day. Ann Robinson of the Daily Express asked "Who would fancy that ugly little gnome?" Not long afterwoods he had an untimely death. No one remembered his political achievements; only the sordid stuff.

Boo-ya! He laid a wreath, and was smitten! In your face, gnome-man! The power of God and heart disease takes out another enemy of the people. Just in the nick of time, too. We all know how damaging laying wreaths can be, and how the Lord doesn't tolerate jerkwad politicians honoring the enemies of his precious children. Also, the comment about people only remembering "the sordid stuff" makes me think of another recent untimely death-- maybe the reason the media is concentrating on making Michael Jackson's demise into a total circus is because he pissed off God with that dumb song about "Jew me, Kike me." Just a thought.

You'd think Lazer would be embarassed to post this crap on his blog. You'd be wrong. Look at what the wunderrabbi wrote himself the day before.

One of the basics of emuna is that everything that happens in the world is the product of precision Divine Providence. One who attributes events to fate or coincidence scores "zero" in the field of spiritual awareness. Going through life without spiritual awareness is like riding a fast motorcycle on a pitch-black night without turning on the headlight. The outcome is a deadly collision course...

Uh huh. Notice that people that disagree with Lazer don't have a different opinion, aren't even just merely incorrect, they're spiritually dead. Nice. So, what, Lazer, your dear friends in Israel that have been killed over the years were, what, dirty, dirty sinners? Or maybe they were SOOO awesome that Hashem needed them as his ghost warriors up on high.

Also, Lazer, I know you like to use heymishe analogies so you can connect with the simple folk (and you seem to have a strong preference for manly and military objects, no doubt due to that whole "Rambo Rabbi" image you like to cultivate), but this time it seems a bit off. Saying that everything that happens in the world is because of Godly decisions AND therefore suggesting that people's spiritual decisions determine if they get what they deserve or not is more like deliberately deciding to ride a fast motorcycle in the dark with no headlight because you're wearing tzitzit and reciting Psalams, and there's no way Hashem would let such a tzaddik like yourself crash-- and besides, you don't need a helmet because the power of emunah will protect your holy, holy noggin.

Anyway, read on and throw up:

July has become a bloodbath month for American troops in Afghanistan. Last week (July 12th) on Israel National Radio, I went on record in saying that if Obama doesn't back off Jerusalem, he'll pay a nasty price in Afghanistan. Since then, there hasn't been a day when the US hasn't lost troops, a chopper, or a jet fighter.

I know, Lazer, who would have thought that we would continue to struggle in Afghanistan? Especially when the past eight years have been such a cakewalk? Incidentally-- I seem to recall the British and Russians getting hosed in Afghanistan as well 100-plus years ago: were they really threatening holy Yerushelayim as far back as the 1800s?

With typical ignorant arrogance, a U.S. military spokeswoman in Kabul, Lt. Cmdr. Christine Sidenstricker, said she has not heard anything to suggest a common thread tying the tragedies together. "I don't think they're related," she said. Meanwhile, yesterday, four more Americans were killed by a roadside bomb. Hashem's message on deaf ears, or rather ears that don't want to hear.

Yes, I can't believe that the administration is too dumb to connect two events which have nothing to do with each other and which aren't even happening on the same continent. Geez! It's like that time when Bush didn't connect the dots about the Gaza disengagement causing Hurricane Katrina (or was that the 2004 Tsunami?)

...The US Administration is too arrogant to add 2+2.

Maybe they're just bad at "spiritual math." No? "Emuna Algebra?" Wait, I've got it: "The Calculus of Hashem!" Nice. Lazer, I expect royalties on this one.

Obama has called Afghanistan, "My War," and was drunk with victory because of the first 5 days of success. But, your friend Lazer disagreed with Time Magazine, and said on Israel National Radio that the more the USA puts the squeeze on Israel in the matter of Jerusalem, the more Hashem will put the squeeze on the USA in the matter of Afghanistan.

Hmm, how delightfully random of him. It seems like it would be easier to stymie Obama on everything he tries to do.

Even more so, anything that carries Obama's name is doomed to failure.

Touche, God.

Lazer's Advice Is Great... If you don't actually want to solve your problems

It's time once again for "Lazer Chat!" I've culled the best of Lazer's archives for some of his... let's be nice and call them quirkiest, blogging moments. Since many of them involve women, I've invited Shiksa Girlfriend along for the ride.

SG: Glad to be here. Well, not really.

First up, Lazer gives some advice to a woman that doesn't like loaning things to a neighbor-- though, in this case, the neighbor mostly seems to be sponging food, which I don't count as "borrowing" per se, given that she can't really return them in the way that you can, say, return a book.

Fear not, gentle readers. Lazer always knows the right thing to say:

The next time your neighbor shows up, invite her for a cup of coffee, sit her down, and explain that according to religious law, one who fails to return a loan is called a wicked person. All the crying and chest-beating in synagogue on Yom Kippur can't rectify the crime of one unreturned potato.

Me: Presumably, this is the point where your neighbor starts crying and asks to borrow your headscarf to blow her nose.

SG: The compasionate thing to do would be to tell her you recognize she has money troubles, not accuse her of stealing from you. Even better, this woman could take a page from Passover and only buy what she absolutely needs before Shabbos, then sign over whatever's left to the youngest daughter (preferably one that can't talk) over Shabbos, then truthfully tell the neighbor that she can't give her those eggs because SHE doesn't have any. Or maybe she should buy uglier clothes and sheitels to let her neighbor know they're poor.

Me: You're a wicked genius, sweetie. Back to Lazer:

Also, the Zohar says that a person cannot achieve his or her rightful place in heaven unless they've repayed all outstanding debts. A person must suffer an entire reincarnation for a debt of a few pennies or more, and who says that your next go-round on this earth isn't going to be twenty times worse that this go-round?

Me: So... repay your debts or the Zohar says you'll come back as, what, misbegotten eggs that people will borrow and then forget to repay?

SG: Even worse, eggs with blood spots that are useless for cooking!

Me: No brocha there. Seriously, Lazer, pulling out the reincarnation card? Over some eggs? Don't you want to save that one up for something a little more serious? Also, crap like this is why people think that the Kabbalah Centre is real Kabbalah, because nutjobs like you are always rambling on about the "real" crazy shit in the Zohar that sounds just as bizarre as anything the Bergs can pull out of their butts. I guess what I'm trying to say is that whole Madonna thing is your fault. So thanks.

Wait, there's more!

I am a 20-year-old college sophomore in the US, and lately I have been worrying about whether or not I am on the right path in life. I know I'm still young, but I feel I am ready to be married and start a family, and I live somewhere with very few Jewish males, none of whom are particularly religious. While I've always pictured myself as finishing college, lately I am not sure if this is the right thing to do. I was always an excellent student but lately I have been having a very difficult time finishing assignments because my mind is elsewhere, and even so, the liberal arts program I'm in is not likely to lead to many career opportunities.

Me: What will the great therapist-rabbi suggest? Should she see a counselor? Have a long heart-to-heart with her parents? Take a semester off? Re-evaluate her major?

SG: I don't think so...

Also, so unbelievably many random things keep going wrong, making it more difficult to continue in school, and I don't know whether to take this as a sign from Hashem that maybe I should head in a different direction, or just as another challenge in life to overcome. I don't want to waste any more time if this is not what I should be doing with my life, and end up unmarried, having wasted what should be an exciting time in life on unfruitful studes. Should I spend at least the next two and a half years finishing my BA degree, or is it time to change directions? I would greatly appreciate any advice you might offer. Thank you so much for your time.

Me: If she's sending out emails complaining about her unfruitful studes, I think the answer is to stay in school, or at least use Spell-Check.

Lazer says:

Good girl - you've done a good job of understanding the messages that Hashem has sent you. It's definitely time for you to seriously search for the right person and to raise a family.

Me: Based on what? She's only given you the most basic sketch of her problems? Maybe she needs to get together with a study group, or start volunteering somewhere that she gets satisfaction from.

SG: Also, the second year of any liberal-arts program at most colleges involves slogging through boring core classes to get to the good stuff. Don't email a stranger on the internet, meet with your advisor and blast through it so you can take classes you actually enjoy.

The restlessness in your soul is straight from Hashem. A liberal arts program in a university is a waste of your valuable time and money. As far as a livelihood goes, you can take one of many inexpensive aptitude tests available on the web, determine a skill you like, and then pursue a six-month occupational course, such as computers, graphic design, dental tech, or whatever.

Me: And lucky you, I just happen to have one available for you via my website. New "Laz-y Tests" will get your career jump-started in no time! Incidentally, if feeling conflicted about following a path is a "message" from Hashem and indicates that he wants you to quit what you're doing, then I guess Lazer can't be pissy about the millions of frum Jews that have gone off the derech over the past few thousand years-- they were just following their souls.

I recommend that you check out of university, move to an area where there are Jewish studies for women your age, and then simultaneously strengthen your Judaism and acquire an occupational skill.

Me: Well, I like the fact that he's at least encouraging her to work.

SG: That's so her husband won't have to.

On the other hand, my blue-chip advice for you would be to come to Israel, enroll in a women's seminar for Jewish Studies such as Midreshet Beerot Bat Ayin which I'm sure you'll love, or EYHAT (Aish Hatora women's seminary) or Neve Yerushalayim as possible alternatives. That way you'll be able to strengthen your Judaism and find the exact guy you want.

Me: Sorry, at what point did she indicate she wanted a yeshiva bochur, much less someone from the very impressive niche culture known as Chavakuk?

SG: I'm just imaging the look on her parents' face when she drops out of school to take a six-week course in the exciting world of dental hygiene. Nothing like giving yourself some options.

Up next, a female executive can't sleep at night.

I can't sleep at night, thinking about whether I've made the right decisions for my clients and the best for my company. I'm afraid of sleeping pills, but I'm so tired and edgy lately. My boyfriend terminated our relationship, complaining that my career monopolizes my time and strength.

Me: Whatever will Lazer say? She could... see a doctor, take some time off, try finding a psychologist, have some quality conversation time with a close friend, or any number of other stress-relieving techniques.

Oh, wow. That's surprising. Lazer mostly suggests that she exercise, drink tea, and listen to soft music before bed time. That's not bad at all, actually.

As bedtime approaches, curl up in bed with a glass of chamomile tea and your favorite book. I suggest you read The Garden of Emuna and The Trail to Tranquility. Soon, your eyelids will feel like barbells.

Me: Two things: A- keep on plugging that book; B- I like how even Lazer recognizes that his books are more effective than sleeping pills.

Lazer adds that the note-writer shouldn't feel too bummed out about the departed boyfriend.

You've been spending the bulk of your time in the fast lane of a highly competitive, demanding, and dry men's world with little compassion, so you need to return some femininity to yourself.

Me: Oh yes, Lazer, please do tell us how women can restore their femininity!

SG: Highly skeptical minds want to know.

Commit to the mitzvah of lighting Shabbat candles every week, and immediate after lighting the candles, ask Hashem for whatever you want. Also, learn how to bake challas. If your apartment had the smell of fresh-baked challas on Friday afternoon, no man in his right mind will ever let you go. By the way, I've never seen a divorce in a family that eats home-baked challas.

Me: Wow. Just... wow. So apparently if you can make bread, all your relationship problems will be solved. That's some pretty brilliant advice there, Lazer. You should have an infomercial or something.

SG: Actually, I think he's on to something. I learned how to bake challahs after our first month of dating, and you're still here.

Me: Ah, good point. Apparently the real problem is Gentile girls stealing our baked goods recipies, and thereby, our men.

Now we move on to a high school student with a swearing problem. Lazer opines:

The soul is surrounded by three garments - thoughts, speech, and deeds. When you use foul language, you surround your soul in stench, kind of like walking around with completely dirty underwear. Sounds gross? Foul words make your soul feel gross, and they chase away Hashem's Divine Presence, which means that a person who uses filthy language loses Divine guidance and protection. That's when real trouble in your life starts.

So, cursing is like wearing stinky drawers. All right, I guess I can understand that... but don't you think you could elevate the tone here a little, Lazer?

Remember also, a person with a cheap tongue is a cheap person. You certainly don't want people calling you "cheap" behind your back, especially since you're a quality young lady.

Yeah, you don't want people applying this random aphorism I just made up to you, do you?

People who use foul language are basically no better than pigs. Even if you dress them in in fancy clothes, pigs remain pigs. A person's speech is the showcase of a person's soul.

So, what about people that curse up a storm but do incredibly important and selfless things, like firefighters, police officers, etc.? Are they bad people? Pigs? I don't know about you, Lazer, but that sounds like some bull to me.

Here we have a Baalas Teshuvah (female "returnee" to Ortho Judaism) used to sleep around, then she had masectomies and became religious. She's totally happy and satisfied with her life now, except... well...

Ever since I did teshuva, I've been doing everything possible to cleanse myself of the old sins, including saying Tikkun Klali every day, being super meticulous in the modesty of my appearance and head covering, exacting about every detail of kedusha (holiness - LB) above and beyond the basic laws of family purity, even guarding my eyes from looking at other men. Yet recently, I've been getting nasty flashbacks of the past during my most intimate time with my husband. You can't imagine my anguish and sorrow. I've been begging to Hashem every day to wipe the images of other men and my old sinning self off of my heart.

Me: Hmm, I can't imagine why you'd be associating sexy time with your husband with past sexual expereiences! It's not like there's any emotional or mental connection between sex you used to have and sex you're having right now!

...nothing has helped. Am I so far from Hashem and teshuva that these flashbacks have returned to torment me? Why all of a sudden after a full two or three years that I didn't think about them?

Me: Having orgy flashbacks while having sex with your husband is not a sign that you are "far from God," lady, it's a sign that you haven't had a total memory wipe. Maybe you should spend your time trying to spice up your marital bed instead of endlessly fretting about your flashbacks.

I am really touched by your letter. Don't fret, everything is for the very best as you'll soon see. Not only does Hashem love you, but I guarantee you that you are one of His favorite daughters.

Me: Nice unsubstantiated pablum there.

SG: Yeah, I don't know you, but trust me, God likes you.

First, you ask about the nasty flashbacks, "Why all of a sudden after a full two or three years that I didn't think about them?" Rebbe Nachman of Breslev explains this clearly in Likutei Moharan (Part 1, Torah 25), namely, that when a person ascends to a higher spiritual level, he is bombarded with lusts and/or fantasies that he thought he had already overcome.

Me: How convenient!

SG: And... nonsensical?

True, at your previous spiritual level, you had overcome the old garbage and had properly done teshuva. But, at your new spiritual level, you have to do more hard work to further cleanse the tiny blemishes that are still on your soul. In simple terms, you're now playing in a higher, more demanding league. You think you have digressed, but the opposite is true. You have made and are making fabulous spiritual progress.

Me: This "God Tests you because He Loves you" stuff really rubs me the wrong way. Isn't this sort of like saying, "You worked hard your whole life to overcome the adversity you faced by being born with only one foot. Now you're middle-aged and have cancer. Wow, we sure can tell God loves you!"

SG: Theodicy isn't supposed to make sense. You know that.

Second, you anguish in seeing these nasty flashbacks is in itself a lofty form of teshuva. When they actually happened, you wantonly enjoyed every minute of what was going on. Now, when you see the same images, you are deeply disgusted and embarrassed. Rest assured that your anguish and embarrassment are better than a beautiful sin offering in the altar of our Holy Temple, may it be rebuilt soon, amen.

Me: Um, yeah... High five?

SG: Better than a Temple offering? Really? Based on what? That seems like a really obscure comparison to make.

Me: Last one. Here we have Lazer speaking to a new mother-in-law about minding her own business. I like the general spirit of the response, but somehow Lazer always manages to throw some random commentary in there that makes no sense:

From my experience, the only emotional ordeal more difficult than one's first year in the army is one's first year in marriage. Marriage demands that two totally opposite beings - a man and a woman - mesh together in harmony. That's not an easy task, and every single couple on earth has problems.

Me: Uh, Lazer, this just in: men and women are not totally opposite. In fact they share a lot of things in common, both in terms of biology (let's hear it for being able to perpetuate the species, unlike say, a monkey and a duck) and psychology or personality. In fact, many people have told SG and I that we are so alike it's creepy.

SG: Yeah Lazer, you're making it sound like every relationship is an Odd Couple rip-off involving Nessie and Sasquatch.

Me: How do they make it work?

When life gives you apples, spew random crap

It was fun dissecting Dennis Prager's view of womenhood with an actual woman, so I thought I'd invite Shiksa Girlfriend back for another round of stupidity. This week's contestant is Rabbi Lazer Brody, who wants to share some good news with us about apples in honor of Tu B'Shevat.

What’s so special about trees that they get a New Year all of their own? Why isn’t there a New Year for rocks or waterfalls or red-breasted robins, or any other of Hashem’s magnificent creations? What’s so special about fruit trees, and an apple in particular?

What, you didn't get the memo about Rosh Hashanah L'Tzur? Also, I didn't realize Tu B'Shevat was so discriminatory and only focused on fruit trees. Poor little Juniper bush.

Kabbalah teaches that souls are reincarnated in fruit trees, and by making all the relevant blessings when eating fruit, a person corrects the soul that was bound up in that fruit.

Me: Ah, yes, the old "trees are reincarnated sinners" line. Ok, Lazer, but tell me, exactly how are you "correcting" that soul by eating their flesh? And isn't there something a little creepy about that? Should fruit count as fleshig, or cannibalism?

Shiksa Girlfriend: Sounds like transubstantiation to me.

Me: Touché.

Kabbala and Midrash teach that the trees have their own form of speech

Tolkein, you plagiarizing bastard! Bad enough you had to make your cowardly money-grubbing dwarves so obviously Jewish, but now this?

[and] that man is a tree in the field, and man is created in G-d’s own image, then we can say that the trees are created in G-d’s image as well. No wonder the Kabbalic imagery of The Divine Attributes, or Sefirot, is called “The Tree of Life,” or “Etz HaChaim”.

So God is a giant tree. I guess that doesn't make any less sense than Ganesh.

Song of Songs (2:3) likens “my beloved” to an apple in the field, alluding to Hashem. Did King Solomon, the wisest of all men, know something that we didn’t? Absolutely – he certainly knew that Hashem’s signature is on each apple.

Me: Or that apples, like his beloved, taste good when eaten fresh in the field.

SG: Don't be gross.

Have you ever seen The Almighty's signature? Like [an] artist who proudly signs a masterpiece, look how Hashem signs His name in one of his prize creations, the apple:

Hebrew letters of G-d's Holy Name	י	ה	ו	ה
Letter name in English	yud	hey	vav	hey
Numerical value	10	5	6	5
Corresponding parts of the apple	Exocarp points	carpels	Shape of the stem and endocarp	Vibrant seeds

Notice how the above photo of the cross-section of an apple clearly shows the ten-pointed exocarp, the five carpels, and the five seeds.

Notice how the stem together with the endocarp (center, red) forms perfect number "six", which turned upside down becomes a superb letter "vav". So, together with the carpels, seeds, and exocarp points, we get the equivalent of the Ineffable Name, yud - hey - vav - hey, which has a numerical total of 26.

Me: Actually, that's really not a very "perfect" six. Most standard sixes have a more pronounced curve, whereas the stem-endocarp shape is far too straight to be recognized by most people as the Arabic numeral in question. What it really looks like is a cherry-bomb. (Hey, what's the gematria for that?) The vav allegation, while just as ludicrous, at least seems to be a slightly better Rosarch attempt (though I certainly wouldn't call it "superb").

SG: The star in the center looks like an asterisk, as if God is trying to point you to some sort of holy footnote.

Me: Also, Michael Pollan says that in all likelihood the apple first appeared in Kazakhstan. Was there a specific reason for God to place his "signature" in its cell structure in Arabic and Hebrew script, thereby ensuring that no one would have any clue about its existence for thousands of years? Was there some plan there?

SG: Quiet, I want to hear what further divine secrets are communicated through the star anise pod.

Every apple blossom has exactly 26 stamen. What, you don't yet believe that Hashem created the apple and all the rest of us?

Me: In a word, no.

By looking at the apple, one can no longer deny the existence of The Creator. His signature is all over the place. By the way, apples are one of the most perfect nutritional foods that exist on the face of the earth. Apples have been shown effective in fighting cancer cells and efficient in improving the health of the lungs, heart, and cardiovascular system.

SG: Funnily enough, just about everything kills cancer cells. If you put water in a petri dish, the cancer cells die. Sunlight kills them. The fact that they work in a dish does not mean they work in your body. I could sprinkle chocolate or grapefruit juice on a petri dish with cancer cells and they would all die. Clearly, we should cure cancer by bathing in apple juice, right?

Me: Careful, I think Kevin Trudeau already had this idea, and you know how well that ended up.

SG: In honor of Lazer, I'd like to share a short reminiscence of Sunday school that I think matches up with his brilliant wisdom quite nicely:

My Sunday school teachers regularly tried to tell me that Dogwood trees told the story of Jesus- you see, Dogwood blossoms have four circular petals arranged around a centerpiece. The explanation was that the four petals form a cross, just like the one Our Lord Jesus was crucified on. Each one has a divet at the end with brown coloring. This can represent either blood or nails, depending on who's talking or how drunk you are that day. Also, there are some nifty red berries which can stand in for blood, too.

Me: Or they're proof that God is a Commie.

SG: Moving on...

The center has the stamen-pistil complex which, if you're off your meds, just might remind you of a certain Crown of Thorns- another clear reference to JesusYourLordandSavior. And, we got two reasons the tree looked like this. Reason One was because dogwood wood was used in the cross- unlikely, given the way they're shaped and that I don't think they grow there. Reason Two was that Judas hung himself from a dogwood tree. Also historically questionable, and very cheery to share with children. Anyway, the dogwood was sad so it decided to alter its molecular structure to punish itself/serve as a useful visual aid for Sunday school on sunny days when no one wanted to sit in the church basement and watch VeggieTales for the umpteenth time.

Me: How ecumenical, sweetheart. Thanks for sharing. Oh yeah, the best part of this theological rape of nature in honor of nature's new year is that Lazer plagiarized it from another post of his from almost four years ago (back then it was called "The Creator's Autograph- not nearly as sexy as "Hashem's Signature"). As an interesting aside, just a few weeks later Lazer shared a powerful bit of prophecy with his loyal audience, one which I'm sure will be coming true any day now.

Thursday, 30 June 2005

Gerrer Rebbe Shlit"a: "Moshiach this year, or by the end of next year."

Me: Some free advice: maybe Lazer should just stay away from posts involving numbers.

SG: Yeah, I say get back to the lurid sex talk. "Step your tznius up a notch this season by replacing your sheitel with aluminum foil or a mop-head-- preferably used, to reinforce both humility and modesty."

Me: Sounds like you should ask Lazer to let you guest-blog.