So God is a giant tree. I guess that doesn't make any less sense than Ganesh.
SG: Funnily enough, just about everything kills cancer cells. If you put water in a petri dish, the cancer cells die. Sunlight kills them. The fact that they work in a dish does not mean they work in your body. I could sprinkle chocolate or grapefruit juice on a petri dish with cancer cells and they would all die. Clearly, we should cure cancer by bathing in apple juice, right?
Me: Careful, I think Kevin Trudeau already had this idea, and you know how well that ended up.
SG: In honor of Lazer, I'd like to share a short reminiscence of Sunday school that I think matches up with his brilliant wisdom quite nicely:
My Sunday school teachers regularly tried to tell me that Dogwood trees told the story of Jesus- you see, Dogwood blossoms have four circular petals arranged around a centerpiece. The explanation was that the four petals form a cross, just like the one Our Lord Jesus was crucified on. Each one has a divet at the end with brown coloring. This can represent either blood or nails, depending on who's talking or how drunk you are that day. Also, there are some nifty red berries which can stand in for blood, too.
Me: Or they're proof that God is a Commie.
SG: Moving on...
The center has the stamen-pistil complex which, if you're off your meds, just might remind you of a certain Crown of Thorns- another clear reference to JesusYourLordandSavior. And, we got two reasons the tree looked like this. Reason One was because dogwood wood was used in the cross- unlikely, given the way they're shaped and that I don't think they grow there. Reason Two was that Judas hung himself from a dogwood tree. Also historically questionable, and very cheery to share with children. Anyway, the dogwood was sad so it decided to alter its molecular structure to punish itself/serve as a useful visual aid for Sunday school on sunny days when no one wanted to sit in the church basement and watch VeggieTales for the umpteenth time.
Me: How ecumenical, sweetheart. Thanks for sharing. Oh yeah, the best part of this theological rape of nature in honor of nature's new year is that Lazer plagiarized it from another post of his from almost four years ago (back then it was called "The Creator's Autograph- not nearly as sexy as "Hashem's Signature"). As an interesting aside, just a few weeks later Lazer shared a powerful bit of prophecy with his loyal audience, one which I'm sure will be coming true any day now.
Thursday, 30 June 2005
Gerrer Rebbe Shlit"a: "Moshiach this year, or by the end of next year."
Me: Some free advice: maybe Lazer should just stay away from posts involving numbers.
SG: Yeah, I say get back to the lurid sex talk. "Step your tznius up a notch this season by replacing your sheitel with aluminum foil or a mop-head-- preferably used, to reinforce both humility and modesty."
Me: Sounds like you should ask Lazer to let you guest-blog.