Sunday, February 08, 2009

When life gives you apples, spew random crap

It was fun dissecting Dennis Prager's view of womenhood with an actual woman, so I thought I'd invite Shiksa Girlfriend back for another round of stupidity. This week's contestant is Rabbi Lazer Brody, who wants to share some good news with us about apples in honor of Tu B'Shevat.

What’s so special about trees that they get a New Year all of their own? Why isn’t there a New Year for rocks or waterfalls or red-breasted robins, or any other of Hashem’s magnificent creations? What’s so special about fruit trees, and an apple in particular?

What, you didn't get the memo about Rosh Hashanah L'Tzur? Also, I didn't realize Tu B'Shevat was so discriminatory and only focused on fruit trees. Poor little Juniper bush.

Kabbalah teaches that souls are reincarnated in fruit trees, and by making all the relevant blessings when eating fruit, a person corrects the soul that was bound up in that fruit.

Me: Ah, yes, the old "trees are reincarnated sinners" line. Ok, Lazer, but tell me, exactly how are you "correcting" that soul by eating their flesh? And isn't there something a little creepy about that? Should fruit count as fleshig, or cannibalism?

Shiksa Girlfriend: Sounds like transubstantiation to me.

Me: Touch
é.

Kabbala and Midrash teach that the trees have their own form of speech

Tolkein, you plagiarizing bastard! Bad enough you had to make your cowardly money-grubbing dwarves so obviously Jewish, but now this?

[and] that man is a tree in the field, and man is created in G-d’s own image, then we can say that the trees are created in G-d’s image as well. No wonder the Kabbalic imagery of The Divine Attributes, or Sefirot, is called “The Tree of Life,” or “Etz HaChaim”.

So God is a giant tree. I guess that doesn't make any less sense than Ganesh.

Song of Songs (2:3) likens “my beloved” to an apple in the field, alluding to Hashem. Did King Solomon, the wisest of all men, know something that we didn’t? Absolutely – he certainly knew that Hashem’s signature is on each apple.

Me: Or that apples, like his beloved, taste good when eaten fresh in the field.

SG: Don't be gross.

Have you ever seen The Almighty's signature? Like [an] artist who proudly signs a masterpiece, look how Hashem signs His name in one of his prize creations, the apple:

Hebrew letters of
G-d's Holy Name
י
ה
ו
ה
Letter name in English
yud
hey
vav
hey
Numerical value
10
5
6
5
Corresponding parts of the apple
Exocarp points
carpels
Shape of the stem and endocarp
Vibrant seeds
Notice how the above photo of the cross-section of an apple clearly shows the ten-pointed exocarp, the five carpels, and the five seeds.
Notice how the stem together with the endocarp (center, red) forms perfect number "six", which turned upside down becomes a superb letter "vav". So, together with the carpels, seeds, and exocarp points, we get the equivalent of the Ineffable Name, yud - hey - vav - hey, which has a numerical total of 26.


Me: Actually, that's really not a very "perfect" six. Most standard sixes have a more pronounced curve, whereas the stem-endocarp shape is far too straight to be recognized by most people as the Arabic numeral in question. What it really looks like is a cherry-bomb. (Hey, what's the gematria for that?) The vav allegation, while just as ludicrous, at least seems to be a slightly better Rosarch attempt (though I certainly wouldn't call it "superb").

SG: The star in the center looks like an asterisk, as if God is trying to point you to some sort of holy footnote.

Me: Also, Michael Pollan says that in all likelihood the apple first appeared in Kazakhstan. Was there a specific reason for God to place his "signature" in its cell structure in Arabic and Hebrew script, thereby ensuring that no one would have any clue about its existence for thousands of years? Was there some plan there?

SG: Quiet, I want to hear what further divine secrets are communicated through the star anise pod.

Every apple blossom has exactly 26 stamen. What, you don't yet believe that Hashem created the apple and all the rest of us?

Me: In a word, no.
By looking at the apple, one can no longer deny the existence of The Creator. His signature is all over the place. By the way, apples are one of the most perfect nutritional foods that exist on the face of the earth. Apples have been shown effective in fighting cancer cells and efficient in improving the health of the lungs, heart, and cardiovascular system.

SG: Funnily enough, just about everything kills cancer cells. If you put water in a petri dish, the cancer cells die. Sunlight kills them. The fact that they work in a dish does not mean they work in your body. I could sprinkle chocolate or grapefruit juice on a petri dish with cancer cells and they would all die. Clearly, we should cure cancer by bathing in apple juice, right?

Me: Careful, I think Kevin Trudeau already had this idea, and you know how well that ended up.

SG: In honor of Lazer, I'd like to share a short reminiscence of Sunday school that I think matches up with his brilliant wisdom quite nicely:

My Sunday school teachers regularly tried to tell me that Dogwood trees told the story of Jesus- you see, Dogwood blossoms have four circular petals arranged around a centerpiece. The explanation was that the four petals form a cross, just like the one Our Lord Jesus was crucified on. Each one has a divet at the end with brown coloring. This can represent either blood or nails, depending on who's talking or how drunk you are that day. Also, there are some nifty red berries which can stand in for blood, too.

Me: Or they're proof that God is a Commie.

SG: Moving on...

The center has the stamen-pistil complex which, if you're off your meds, just might remind you of a certain Crown of Thorns- another clear reference to JesusYourLordandSavior. And, we got two reasons the tree looked like this. Reason One was because dogwood wood was used in the cross- unlikely, given the way they're shaped and that I don't think they grow there. Reason Two was that Judas hung himself from a dogwood tree. Also historically questionable, and very cheery to share with children. Anyway, the dogwood was sad so it decided to alter its molecular structure to punish itself/serve as a useful visual aid for Sunday school on sunny days when no one wanted to sit in the church basement and watch VeggieTales for the umpteenth time.

Me: How ecumenical, sweetheart. Thanks for sharing. Oh yeah, the best part of this theological rape of nature in honor of nature's new year is that Lazer plagiarized it from another post of his from almost four years ago (back then it was called "The Creator's Autograph- not nearly as sexy as "Hashem's Signature"). As an interesting aside, just a few weeks later Lazer shared a powerful bit of prophecy with his loyal audience, one which I'm sure will be coming true any day now.

Thursday, 30 June 2005

Gerrer Rebbe Shlit"a: "Moshiach this year, or by the end of next year."


Me: Some free advice: maybe Lazer should just stay away from posts involving numbers.

SG: Yeah, I say get back to the lurid sex talk. "Step your tznius up a notch this season by replacing your sheitel with aluminum foil or a mop-head-- preferably used, to reinforce both humility and modesty."

Me: Sounds like you should ask Lazer to let you guest-blog.

1 comment:

Ben said...

this blog is very funny-
Lazer Brody said he was an Israel Prize winner-but, somehow his name didnt make the published list of IP winners I found on line-I am sure that those evil tzionim removed his name when he became frum!