Sunday, February 08, 2009

PSA on Backlinks

It has come to my attention that there are quite a few backlinks directing readers to posts of mine on other Jblogger's sites. I can assure these perplexed readers and writers that do not know how to use backlinks so it certainly wasn't me who put them there. If someone who understands the ways of blogger far better than I can help me figure out how to delete these links, or better yet, keep them from spontaneously happening without my control, please do drop me a line.



Progress (?)

I guess Bishop Williamson has gotten tired of his ears burning. After a solid week of getting smacked around on TV, radio, print and the Internet, he made another important announcement. Will he recant his Holocaust denial? Will he apologize to the people that actually deserve an apology?

Wait for it...

"Since I see that there are many honest and intelligent people who think differently, I must look again at the historical evidence," the British bishop was quoted as saying.

"It is about historical evidence, not about emotions," he added, according to the report. "And if I find this evidence, I will correct myself. But that will take time."

That's right, he'll look into it! Well, as long as we know it's in his to-do pile, I guess all can be forgiven and we can move on to being cheerfully damned again at Easter. What a guy. I guess it just goes to show that if you have faith, everything will work out.

And there's more:

"I was convinced that my comments were right on the basis of my research in the '80s," Der Spiegel quoted Williamson as saying. "I must now examine everything again and look at the evidence."

That explains it- it was the 80s! Yes, that most intellectually stagnant period of Western history, in which absolutely zero scholarship or public discussion of the Holocaust occurred. Be honest, I bet you can't even name a single Holocaust film that came out in the 80s. But at least we know now-- after most of the perpetrators and victims are dead or extremely elderly-- he's willing to give the evidence another look. Hey, since we're apparently on a CSI-kick, why don't we go to the source and examine some of the physical locations where the Holocaust happened?

The magazine suggested that he could make a personal visit to the former Auschwitz death camp. Williamson replied: "I will not go to Auschwitz," it said.

Oh. Well, that's ok. He must be really busy packing to head back to the Vatican. And there's the bi-annual Society of Pius church picnic coming up next month, he's supposed to be in charge of the sack races and egg toss... In fact, guys, he might need a few years to sift through all this evidence before he's ready to really come out for either side. Maybe everyone can just focus on something else for a while until Dick here makes his decision? Here, I know-- talk about this guy, instead. That's still Holocaust-related, and only tangentially involves the Church. Go team.

Fun fact: Williamson presently lives in Argentina, which has a very colorful history when it comes to Nazi enthusiasts.

When life gives you apples, spew random crap

It was fun dissecting Dennis Prager's view of womenhood with an actual woman, so I thought I'd invite Shiksa Girlfriend back for another round of stupidity. This week's contestant is Rabbi Lazer Brody, who wants to share some good news with us about apples in honor of Tu B'Shevat.

What’s so special about trees that they get a New Year all of their own? Why isn’t there a New Year for rocks or waterfalls or red-breasted robins, or any other of Hashem’s magnificent creations? What’s so special about fruit trees, and an apple in particular?

What, you didn't get the memo about Rosh Hashanah L'Tzur? Also, I didn't realize Tu B'Shevat was so discriminatory and only focused on fruit trees. Poor little Juniper bush.

Kabbalah teaches that souls are reincarnated in fruit trees, and by making all the relevant blessings when eating fruit, a person corrects the soul that was bound up in that fruit.

Me: Ah, yes, the old "trees are reincarnated sinners" line. Ok, Lazer, but tell me, exactly how are you "correcting" that soul by eating their flesh? And isn't there something a little creepy about that? Should fruit count as fleshig, or cannibalism?

Shiksa Girlfriend: Sounds like transubstantiation to me.

Me: Touch

Kabbala and Midrash teach that the trees have their own form of speech

Tolkein, you plagiarizing bastard! Bad enough you had to make your cowardly money-grubbing dwarves so obviously Jewish, but now this?

[and] that man is a tree in the field, and man is created in G-d’s own image, then we can say that the trees are created in G-d’s image as well. No wonder the Kabbalic imagery of The Divine Attributes, or Sefirot, is called “The Tree of Life,” or “Etz HaChaim”.

So God is a giant tree. I guess that doesn't make any less sense than Ganesh.

Song of Songs (2:3) likens “my beloved” to an apple in the field, alluding to Hashem. Did King Solomon, the wisest of all men, know something that we didn’t? Absolutely – he certainly knew that Hashem’s signature is on each apple.

Me: Or that apples, like his beloved, taste good when eaten fresh in the field.

SG: Don't be gross.

Have you ever seen The Almighty's signature? Like [an] artist who proudly signs a masterpiece, look how Hashem signs His name in one of his prize creations, the apple:

Hebrew letters of
G-d's Holy Name
Letter name in English
Numerical value
Corresponding parts of the apple
Exocarp points
Shape of the stem and endocarp
Vibrant seeds
Notice how the above photo of the cross-section of an apple clearly shows the ten-pointed exocarp, the five carpels, and the five seeds.
Notice how the stem together with the endocarp (center, red) forms perfect number "six", which turned upside down becomes a superb letter "vav". So, together with the carpels, seeds, and exocarp points, we get the equivalent of the Ineffable Name, yud - hey - vav - hey, which has a numerical total of 26.

Me: Actually, that's really not a very "perfect" six. Most standard sixes have a more pronounced curve, whereas the stem-endocarp shape is far too straight to be recognized by most people as the Arabic numeral in question. What it really looks like is a cherry-bomb. (Hey, what's the gematria for that?) The vav allegation, while just as ludicrous, at least seems to be a slightly better Rosarch attempt (though I certainly wouldn't call it "superb").

SG: The star in the center looks like an asterisk, as if God is trying to point you to some sort of holy footnote.

Me: Also, Michael Pollan says that in all likelihood the apple first appeared in Kazakhstan. Was there a specific reason for God to place his "signature" in its cell structure in Arabic and Hebrew script, thereby ensuring that no one would have any clue about its existence for thousands of years? Was there some plan there?

SG: Quiet, I want to hear what further divine secrets are communicated through the star anise pod.

Every apple blossom has exactly 26 stamen. What, you don't yet believe that Hashem created the apple and all the rest of us?

Me: In a word, no.
By looking at the apple, one can no longer deny the existence of The Creator. His signature is all over the place. By the way, apples are one of the most perfect nutritional foods that exist on the face of the earth. Apples have been shown effective in fighting cancer cells and efficient in improving the health of the lungs, heart, and cardiovascular system.

SG: Funnily enough, just about everything kills cancer cells. If you put water in a petri dish, the cancer cells die. Sunlight kills them. The fact that they work in a dish does not mean they work in your body. I could sprinkle chocolate or grapefruit juice on a petri dish with cancer cells and they would all die. Clearly, we should cure cancer by bathing in apple juice, right?

Me: Careful, I think Kevin Trudeau already had this idea, and you know how well that ended up.

SG: In honor of Lazer, I'd like to share a short reminiscence of Sunday school that I think matches up with his brilliant wisdom quite nicely:

My Sunday school teachers regularly tried to tell me that Dogwood trees told the story of Jesus- you see, Dogwood blossoms have four circular petals arranged around a centerpiece. The explanation was that the four petals form a cross, just like the one Our Lord Jesus was crucified on. Each one has a divet at the end with brown coloring. This can represent either blood or nails, depending on who's talking or how drunk you are that day. Also, there are some nifty red berries which can stand in for blood, too.

Me: Or they're proof that God is a Commie.

SG: Moving on...

The center has the stamen-pistil complex which, if you're off your meds, just might remind you of a certain Crown of Thorns- another clear reference to JesusYourLordandSavior. And, we got two reasons the tree looked like this. Reason One was because dogwood wood was used in the cross- unlikely, given the way they're shaped and that I don't think they grow there. Reason Two was that Judas hung himself from a dogwood tree. Also historically questionable, and very cheery to share with children. Anyway, the dogwood was sad so it decided to alter its molecular structure to punish itself/serve as a useful visual aid for Sunday school on sunny days when no one wanted to sit in the church basement and watch VeggieTales for the umpteenth time.

Me: How ecumenical, sweetheart. Thanks for sharing. Oh yeah, the best part of this theological rape of nature in honor of nature's new year is that Lazer plagiarized it from another post of his from almost four years ago (back then it was called "The Creator's Autograph- not nearly as sexy as "Hashem's Signature"). As an interesting aside, just a few weeks later Lazer shared a powerful bit of prophecy with his loyal audience, one which I'm sure will be coming true any day now.

Thursday, 30 June 2005

Gerrer Rebbe Shlit"a: "Moshiach this year, or by the end of next year."

Me: Some free advice: maybe Lazer should just stay away from posts involving numbers.

SG: Yeah, I say get back to the lurid sex talk. "Step your tznius up a notch this season by replacing your sheitel with aluminum foil or a mop-head-- preferably used, to reinforce both humility and modesty."

Me: Sounds like you should ask Lazer to let you guest-blog.

Sunday, February 01, 2009

Apologizing to the wrong person

When you work with children, you learn to spot when you're being manipulated. Example: The other day I had to break up a fight between two students alternately accusing each other of name-calling. One steadfastly maintained she hadn't said anything while the other admitted he had insulted her. The girl then, reluctantly, confessed to having mumbled "something" under her breath. Busted.

So too with Bishop Williamson. The man is on tape denying the Holocaust, gets the face-slap he justly deserves, and now that he has been resurrected from the dustbin by a schizophrenic Pope and people are upset, he attempts to smooth things over by writing an apology. A good idea, except that he apologized to THE VATICAN. You know, for embarrassing them.

Uh huh. See, here's the thing, Bishop Dick. When you insult or offend someone, the FIRST thing to do is apologize to THEM, not your parents, company, or immediate circle of friends because you made them look bad. That kind of undercuts the whole exercise, particularly as it suggests that the problem with your statements was not their fact-free content or your stupidity in saying them, but that "somehow", it came back to bite the Pope in the ass.

As I tell my kids, "Let's work on this." So, Dick, I suggest you keep a journal of ways you're working on improving your dimwitedness and try not to be a twit in the future. Or, if you're really so gung-ho about Holocaust revisionism (and ditching Vatican II) that you just go form your own Church of Pius (or should that be Pious Church?)

Now if only the Pope would stop talking out of both sides of his mouth...