Profoundly Not Ok

Real life has been busy, so the blog hasn't. More to come, but first... geez. We've talked about Lazer Brody's lack of sense, timing, and self-awareness many times before. We've also discussed the fact that often Lazer seems to genuinely want to use his words to help people heal, which I respect.

But here's the thing, Lazer. Stuff like this... It doesn't help. At all.

We've been flooded with letters of grieving people asking about the meaning of this. All I can say is that Nathan and Raizy were undoubtedly flawless tzaddikim whom Hashem chose as ritual sacrifices for all of Klal Yisroel. Such a tragedy obligates every single one of us to wake up, assess ourselves and return to Hashem.

You know what isn't going to bring anybody close to anything remotely resembling traditional Judaism? Suggesting that innocents being killed in tragic, senseless accidents is part of God demanding ritual sacrifice. In such a tragedy anybody with an ounce of sense and humility is obligated to do nothing more than say a prayer for the dead, support their families, and shut their damn mouths.

The couple's last name - Glauber - is Yiddish for "believer". We have nothing else to lean on but our emuna, our belief in Hashem.

Stop. Just stop. Stop the pat answers, stop pretending to know what God's "plan" is to make horrible car accidents make sense, and stop leaning on gematria or surname etymology or any other nonsense a first year yeshiva students learns in Half-Assing your Drash 101. People are dead, and this is not ok. Give condolences, start a charity fund, but PLEASE, no more. People are watching and hurting, and this... isn't helping anyone.

It's all about stupid

I wonder what it's like to feel the world actually revolves around you. Well, you and your pet causes.

Lazer's back with more stupid explanations about why the universe is still being mean to people. Which is to say, existing.

For instance, did you know that weather patterns happen? Apparently this is news to Lazer, who is convinced that the only explanation for a Hurricane hitting the Eastern seaboard is that God is mad. About what? We'll let the nutty nougatty goodness speak for itself:

Hashem doesn't do things at random. Why is hurricane Irene advancing toward the good and decent folks of North Carolina? It's simple - North Carolina has its own Jonah:Jonathan Pollard, rotting away in a cell in Butner for the last 26 years when his crime should have incurred no more than an 8-year sentence. Words can't describe the cruel utterly inhuman way that Pollard has been treated, not being allowed to see his dying father or even attend his funeral.
The USA could save itself billions of impending damage and lives as well by freeing Pollard right now. There's no doubt in my mind or heart that Irene will just disappear if Pollard walks out of Butner. There's proof to what I'm saying in the Gemara - see tractate Brachot 59a: When Hashem sees that his children in exile are in anguish, He sheds two tears in the sea. Hashem's two tears because of Pollard could be what's causing Hurricane Irene to be such a threat right now.

(I'm sorry to say that the unfortunate attempt at gematria-esque bolding is in the original.)

Honestly, what can I say about this? Is there even any point in mentioning that the hurricane affected 15 other states (as well as those pesky countries in the Caribbean) besides North Carolina? Or that of the 54 confirmed fatalities, only six occurred there? I mean, if you're going to try to come up with random rationalizations for weather patterns, at least do it after the fact when the numbers can back up your BS. I don't even see how Lazer can hold to his own theory in light of where the damage and deaths were most concentrated. Does God hate New York & New Jersey 2.5 times as much as North Carolina? Why didn't the prayers and mitzvot from all the pious Yidden in Lakewood and Boro Park save them from more of the wrathiness? It seems to me that if we're going to pretend Irene was all about punishing North Carolina then the only options are that either God doesn't know where North Carolina is or he got drunk and was just waving the hurricane wand around willy-nilly. I also like how Lazer believes that not only is God willing to kill a bunch of people (including a Jewish Holocaust survivor, whoopsies) to protest one guy's long prison sentence, but that apparently hurricanes can be turned off at the drop of a hat. On the other hand, as long as we're just making things up, I suppose there's no harm in being consistent in our silliness. Did I mention that volcanic eruptions are not caused by tectonic shifts but rather by giant mutant dolphins ramming head-first into each other like mountain goats, fighting over the hottest females? Look it up.

As painfully mind-warping as Lazer's ideas are, I kind of understand the urge to want to make disasters and natural phenomenon make sense and fit into some sort of plan. Unlike the theodicy crowd, I have spent lots of time recognizing that the world was not terribly concerned about me. I suppose in some ways I was always a little overly concerned with the "big picture." I remember having nightmares as a kid and my parents trying to console me by asking me what was wrong. "I dreamed the universe blew up!" I would wail (this was a recurring dream for several years). Baffled, they couldn't think of anything to say, other than, "Well, it didn't!"

In high school, college, and even occasionally today, I wrestle with the idea that, contrary to what various religions' theology teach, science has shown that the Earth is on a countdown with destiny, that eventually our sun will burn out and our planet will cease to be a place that can support life. Everything we do, everyone we know, all our future children and generations... there will be a time where it's all snuffed out.

That's very hard to take. It's a real challenge to look life in the face and not be a little scared by the recognition that we're all a little doomed, and that nothing will outlast our planet's destruction. That there is a finite end to our time here, and that there will be an end to humanity. It's pretty heavy, no question.

But I would still rather deal with those real dilemmas than make up stupid, offensive, and yes, EXTREMELY SELF-CENTERED reasons for why things happen in the world.

News flash, Lazer: hurricanes aren't Jewish. Volcanoes aren't Jewish. Earthquakes aren't Jewish. They really don't care about US-Israel relations, Jonathan Pollard, or a gay pride parade in holy Yerushelayim.

You may think the Earth cares about the Jews (both good and bad), but I'm pretty sure it's neutral. Just saying.


Edit: Double Theodicy score! Lazer adds R. Moshe Yosef Reichenberg, the Orthodox father of four who died rescuing a child and father from a downed power line to his list of tzaddikim taken away by God to... um, punish us into making teshuvah, I guess? Thanks?

Now, I know I'm not frum, so maybe I'm missing something, but I have to ask: Lazer, as an ostensibly "outreach-focused" rabbi, isn't your job supposed to be encouraging us to, you know, like God? Just wondering.

Do not pass go, do not collect anything

Sorry to be trading in frum-bashing the first day after Tisha B'Av (hope those fasting had an easy time of it), but I've got to say something:

The recent murder of Rav Elazar Abuhatzeira is many things. It is horrible. It is shocking. It is, perhaps, yet another wakeup call to the fact that frum communities are not immune from mental illness, emotional instability or violence. It may also highlight the dangers of groupthink, yes-men, and of people whose charisma overwhelm both their own common sense and the ability of their family and friends to help protect them from themselves and their own perhaps unhealthy tendencies.

However, there are some things the Baba Elazar's murder is most certainly not:

1- It is not "Divine punishment" for Jewish sins (Haredi singing, in Amnon Yitzhak's case).

2- It is not, not, a "sacrifice" to spare collective punishment for those aforementioned sins (the gay pride parade in Jerusalem, in Lazer Brody's case). The fact that "leading rabbis," including the Baba Elazar's own family members, are even engaging in this kind of thought experiment is quite disturbing and, frankly, sick. I wish the Abuchatzeira family support and strength as they work to move on from this tragedy, but suggesting that the rabbi's brutal death was a message from God as a wake-up call or a sacrifice to save world Jewry is nothing short of disgusting. If it's a wake-up call about anything, it should be that there are dangerous people in all sorts of communities, and that putting all of your faith and mental sense in the hands of a single leader, be they spiritual, political or whatever, is at best a bad idea and at worst can lead to terrible disillusionment.

Extra awful points to Lazer for stepping even further past the boundary of good taste and including another murder victim, 8-year-old Leiby Kletzky, in the most obscene bit of theodicy he's come up with since Hurricane Katrina. (Lazer also includes the recently-deceased Spinka rebbe and Lithuanian Rav Michel Lefkowitz as a proof that tzaddikim from all segments of world Jewry are being "sacrificed." In this reading, there's no substantial difference between a 79 or 97-year-old dying in their bed surrounded by loved ones and a terrified rabbi or child being viciously murdered by a crazed knife-wielding maniac. Go figure.)

I don't have a grudge against frum people, I really don't. But reading things like this, it's very hard to see or feel very much of a connection between my Judaism and Lazer's. To be honest, it feels like we're on different planets. The one bright side is that I found at least one frum woman (who seems pretty Haredi to boot) who seems to not trust Lazer and his pals farther than she can throw them. I guess there's hope?

Hat-tip: Failed Messiah.

Dear Tzvi: Stop talking.

Seriously, Tzvi, I'm about to smack you. Unless, of course, a ninja does it for me.

Richter shmichter. Nature my arse. In seconds, G-d can destroy Japan and Russia and America and all of the arrogant countries of Europe. The earthquake and tsunami was a wake-up lesson for the world – and for us – reminding us that we had better start paying some more serious attention to G-d. He, and He alone, rules the world, and not Japan, Russia, America, and the European Quartet. 

So don’t be afraid my fellow Jews! Don’t be afraid, Bibi! The L-rd G-d of Israel, Master of Heaven and Earth, is on our side! Don’t be afraid of UN threats and boycotts and embargos and Obamas and cut-offs of foreign aid! G-d is our aid. “The Heavens declare the glory of G-d, and the Earth proclaims His praise!” “The power of the L-rd is over the roaring waters!” Sing out O mountains and forests and seas of Japan! The Redemption of Israel is near!

So once again, God shows how great he is by killing thousands of people. And you're saying these are reasons to not be afraid? Incidentally, I love how this is presented as God's revenge on non-Jewish countries for being arrogant. No self-centeredness here at all.

Why Japan, you ask?

Yeah, why?

Why not?

Um... please tell me this is not the new standard for smiting countries. There is at least some quality control in God's department, yes?

Japan, the home of Buddhism, Shinto shrines and spirits, is a bastion of idol worship and idol worshippers, perhaps Number 1 in the world.

And that's clearly worthy of death. You know, Tzvi, that deity of yours winds up looking like more of a bastard every time you mention him. Maybe you should stop.

Incidentally, way to not even try to count. How can you claim with any seriousness that Japan is the "Number 1" bastion of idol worshippers in the world? India has 827 million Hindus. Japan has 127 million people TOTAL. You weren't kidding when you said you were proud your kids don't know anything about the world outside of Israel, were you?

Japan consistently votes against Israel in the UN.

Wait, it's about being anti-Israel? Then when is B'nei B'rak's earthquake due?

Japan was Nazi German’s ally in World War 2.

First of all, the country is called Germany. Second, Japan treated its conquered Jews better than anyone else in Hitler's coalition, refusing, for example, to turn Jews over to the Nazis even when requested. As long as you're justifying punishing people for the sins of their grandfathers, you can at least look up what they actually did.

I could give you a few more reasons why it was a tsunami, just like in the time of Noah and the Flood, but I won’t mention them here.

I understand. This must have taken you, like, hours of pretend-thought. Next time feel free not to bother.

Get your story straight

We know that theodicy is a fun pastime for Haredi leaders, as it is for loyal blog frenemy Lazer Brody. But while some of these gedolei hador are holy enough to get daily personal communications from God explaining why he's doing the crazy things we read about in the news, it seems that he's been two-timing them.

Lazer says:

The prophet Zecharia tells us in Chapter 14 of his prophecy that in the end of days, all the nations will gather to attack Jerusalem. The same prophecy appears in Micah 4:11 and in Psalms 2:1, according to the Malbim's elaboration of King David's question, "Why do the nations tremble?" 

...How can anyone turn a blind eye to the fact that the whole world is changing, both politically and geophysically? The volcanos, yesterday's earthquake in New Zealand, the heavy blizzards in North America, the typhoons in the Far East, and the shakeup of governments around the globe are all wakeup calls from Hashem. The more one ignores the alarm clock, the louder it gets. Only a fool puts his head in the ground like an ostrich... 

The Arab world will continue to become more radically Islamic. This past Friday, two million people gathered in downtown Cairo of "moderate" Egypt to chant for the "liberation" of Jerusalem, claiming that they're all ready to become shahidim, or suicide bombers. This phenomena will only spread. But, with Hashem's loving grace, our prophets and sages have prepared us.

In other words, the massive protests in the Arab world are happening because God wants Muslims to become a unified front opposing Israel, the better to serve his love of black-and-white end-time scenarios.

But wait! The leaders of Israel's Litvish community got a different God-memo. While R. Chaim Kanievsky seems to agree with Lazer that the Arab protests are part of a God-and-Magog showdown, R. Aharon Shteinman's got a different drash.

"Recently it appears that there is a powerful effort to destroy and agitate the world of the Torah, through various attempts to prosecute kollels and yeshiva students," Steinman said. "When you try to agitate the world of the Torah, God agitates the world."

Got that? It's not Armageddon, it's that God's pissed about secularists in the Knesset trying to limit stipends to kollel students. Psht. You actually thought God cared about anyone outside Bnei Brak? What are you, some kind of universalist?

Whatever the "real" message behind the Arab revolutions, one thing is clear- God needs to work on his communication skills.

Hat tip to Failed Messiah.

We Don't Need No Stinking Facts

Ok, so Lazer claims the volcano in Iceland is divine punishment. That's not entirely surprising, we've heard this goofiness before from "Rabbi Rambo." But here's the twist: Lazer claim is that the Icelandic eruption is divine punishment for ENGLAND.

The bumbling Brits didn't realize that when you mess around with Jerusalem and the Wall, you mess around with Hashem.

"Aha, Great Britain - are you so brazen to discourage tourism to My Holy City?" Hashem asks. "You question My children's right to their Father's palace? You shall not have a single tourist entering or leaving your silly Island!"

So what did Hashem do?

Hashem let a remote volcano in Iceland erupt, from the Icelandic mountain Eyjaffjalljokull, whose ash cloud grounded all air traffic above Britain yesterday, leaving thousands of passengers stranded.

...No one remembers when British airspace was totally closed. Such a natural phenomena as an atmospheral ash cloud is one in a zillion. But, Hashem in implementing His Divine justice is defying statistics more and more as we get closer to Moshiach.

All those facts may be technically true, Lazer, but here's the million dollar question- if God has a grudge against England... why punish Iceland to get to them? I mean, seriously, what did the Icelandic government (or farming industry) do to anger Hashem lately? Is God mad because Icelandic cows aren't schechted properly?

Wow Lazer. I didn't think your random theodicy theories could get much worse. Now I see they don't just minimize the pain and impact of being the victim of a natural disaster, AND reduce God into the equivalent of a vindictive elderly neighbor who goes around punching kids to get revenge for them hitting balls into his yard, they also are extremely self-centered. Apparently a volcano can't even erupt in Scandinavia without it being connected to Israel somehow. Self-absorbed much?

Oh please

Not another "The Sabbath saves the Jews" story. Really?

Oh yes.

Yeshiva World News wants you to know, yes, you, that observing Shabbos saves Jewish lives.

Shabbos Observance Saved Yidden from Ill-Fated Polish Flight

According to Chabad shaliach in Warsaw, Rabbi Shalom Ber Stambler, a number of leaders of the local Jewish community are alive because they canceled their participation in the official state delegation, realizing the flight was on shabbos.

Rabbi Stambler stated the Polish president who was among the many government officials that perished in the crash was a true friend of the Jewish People and Israel. He stressed that President Lech Kaczynski showed his solidarity with the Jews by his actions, not just with words.

He pointed out that when the late president served as mayor of Warsaw, he played a major role assisting in the construction of the Jewish Museum, which is soon to open in the location of the Jewish ghetto area.

Rabbi Mordechai Shudrich, the chief rabbi of Poland, was among those invited to accompany the president on the ill-fated flight. The rav explained he told the president that he cannot fly on shabbos, and his explanation was received and understood.

Ok, first of all, I've only ever heard the rabbi referred to as "Michael." A comparitive Google search backed me up. Only 1 result for "Mordechai Schudrich," and 4 for "Mordechai Shudrich." "Michael Shudrich" got 1,200 hits and "Michael Schudrich", his actual name, resulted in over 6,900 hits. Given that you are ostensibly a "news" site, I'm not sure why you can't be bothered to research and use his actual name, unless of course Michael seems too goyish for a rabbi.

But not only is this piece sloppy and in terrible taste (Group hi-five, guys! Yes, the top echelon of Polish politics was wiped out, but go us for keeping Shabbos!), the unspoken premise being advanced-- God saves Jews who keep mitzvot-- is ridiculously untenable. Ordinarily I wouldn't even bother to point this out because there are so many counter-examples. But in this case, it's contradicted by another YWN article posted the SAME MORNING.

Avreich Stabbed in his Jerusalem Home on Shabbos

Rav Nachman Yonah Leib [ben Raizel Shoshana) was seated at the shabbos table with his family on Friday night in Jerusalem’s Ramat Shlomo neighborhood when he noticed a significant amount of water on the balcony. He assumed a pipe had burst, perhaps in his neighbor’s home upstairs, prompting him to go upstairs to inform his neighbor of the situation. When the door opened upstairs, R’ Nachman was greeted with a punch to his face, knocking him down, followed by an attack with a knife. He was stabbed three times in his abdominal area.

The family heard screams and ran upstairs, horrified to find R’ Nachman on the ground, bleeding from his wounds. Emergency officials were summoned and Ichud Hatzalah was first on the scene, with first-responders working to stabilize his condition. He was transported to the trauma unit of Hadassah Ein Kerem Hospital and following a number of surgical procedures, he is listed in moderate-to-serious condition.

Version 2: The neighbor and assailant, described as a “baal tshuva”, came downstairs requesting that the family sing zmiros in a lower tone, explaining they were disturbing him. An argument resulted and the neighbor stabbed R’ Nachman.

The attacker was lightly injured and he was transported in custody to Shaare Zedek Medical Center. He explained to police that his downstairs neighbor was disturbing his shabbos and that prompted him to direct a water hose onto his balcony.

Let me try to synthesize these two articles...

"God saves those who observes Shabbos! Except when you sing too loud!"

Geez.

Kabbalah plus Geology equals Hillarity

Tzvi Fishman has important news. Previous updates included letting us know that being in the Diaspora is like living in a "sci-fi prison" (or cross-dressing), and Tzvi's hilarious Purim shpiel blog post that (intentionally?) included a pretty vile bit of racism:

At a rally Friday afternoon outside the Jerusalem police station, one of his longtime fans, Moses Black from Dimona, said that even if Fleshman is convicted, he is going to continue reading his blogs from prison. “Tzvi is my man,” the half-illiterate, Brown Hebrew told us. “Dat website, ‘jeweeeshsexualiteee’ saved my life. I wasn’t makin’ any mony, and all of my kids were messed up in all kinds of sh**t, and then I read what Tzvi was teechin’ about bein’ holy with one’s wife, and not lookin’ at pooorn, and all da peeces of da puzzle felled into place. I got my act together and I’m livin’ on eezy street now, thanks to Tzvi.”

Hmm. A guy named Moses Black living in Dimona, home of the "Black Hebrews," speaking like Amos-n-Andy. It's like a minstrel show on my monitor. I don't know if Tzvi thought this was funny or what, but it's pretty sick even if done in the name of humor.

Anyway, the real topic of the day is the weather. Specifically, how being anti-Israel (as defined by Tzvi of course) leads to the very oceans turning against you. Yeah, I bet you didn't know Poseidon vacationed in Gush Katif, did you? Now he's pissed.

Lay it on us, Tzvi.

If I had to predict, I’d guess that California will be the first state to disappear. Unless the King of the World decides to first bring a colossal tidal wave straight up Chesapeake Bay and obiterate WDC right off the bat.

Wow, going right for the jugular, eh? Ok, so my state is underwater. Good to know.

As we mentioned on several occasions, Hashem orchestrates the universe via spiritual agencies called “sefirot.” The operational arm in this world is known as “Malchut,” which means kingship. Earthquakes, tsunamis, economic crises, plagues, wars, and massive brain strokes, all fall under the jurisdiction of “Malchut.” When Hashem decides to punish mankind for its misdoings, the vehicle He employs is the spiritual agency of “Malchut.”

Um, no. Since when does Malchut have anything to do with tsunamis or strokes? I'd love to see the spot where the Zohar says that.

While “Malchut” manifests itself in the management of the world we live in, in all of its various forms, the geographical heart of “Malchut” in the world is the Land of Israel. And the center of this heart, and thus the center of all the world is Jerusalem, the city of "Malchut," where the Kingship of G-d is most clearly seen in the world.

Sigh. Ok, Tzvi. So the invisible, intangible elements of the universe manifest in physical form and just happen to concentrate in Jerusalem? Wow, how lucky that the center of Jewish focus happens to also be the center of the physical universe. Tzvi, you used to be a writer. Did you ever happen to hear of a little thing called subjectivity? How about perspective? This dopey argument reminds me of a a French teacher I had who once tried to use longitude lines on a globe to "prove" the world actually revolved around Paris. It also makes me think of the Chinese. The Chinese word for China means "Middle Kingdom" because the Chinese though their country was the center of the universe. (As a matter of fact, it seems to me that there are still quite a few Americans who still feel similarly.)

Therefore, when America exerts pressure on Israel to freeze building in Judea and Samaria, and even more so in Jerusalem, the inner heart of “Malchut” experiences this hostile affront as an act of strangulation. Because Hashem is long-suffering in His patience, He doesn’t allow “Malchut” to strike back in immediate revenge. Rather, He draws the springs of “Malchut” backward, little by little with each act of abuse, until the mechanism is coiled with enormous pressure, like an arrow pulled back in a bow, waiting for the archer to release the taut and vibrating string.

Wow, so Malchut is like an ethereal pressure-building machine, slowly waiting to kill us all? Thanks, God. Also, I like how Tzvi now has a bulletproof explanation to counter the rather obvious point that natural disasters/heart attacks/economic disasters often don't seem to follow any particularly egregious anti-Israel root cause. I suppose when G.H.W. Bush finally dies at the ripe old age of 102, Tzvi will be there to gloat that ol' 41 could have lived to 120 if he hadn't tried to pressure Shamir back in the 80s. (Who knows what that terrible Malchut has prepared for Clinton-- perhaps, say, some sort of massive heart trouble? Wow, he was always in such great shape. It must have been Divine intervention! You know, just like with that fitness freak Ariel Sharon.)

What we have to understand is that the Master of the World has set the Redemption of His Nation Israel into high gear with the resettlement of the Land of Israel in our time, the establishment of Medinat Yisrael, the rebuilding of Jerusalem, the ingathering of the exiles, and reemergence of Israel as a world power in a mere handful of years. All of this is to establish “Malchut” – the Kingship of G-d over the world.

Um, Tzvi, no offense, but at this point Malchut doesn't sound like the Kingship of God (or at least not any God I want to meet)-- the way you're carrying on it's sounding more like some sort of evil demon space monster. Like this guy. Or these.

This enormous history spanning, world-shaking Divine Redemption is like a powerful locomotive speeding forward at an incredible velocity. The locomotive won’t be stopped. Anything which tries to stand in its way will be demolished and smashed.

Uh... Hallelujah? Mommy?

Believe me my friends, 9/11, the flood in New Orleans, and the latest stock market crash are merely gentle warnings. The real blow is on the way.

Wow, Tzvi, you really know how to spread that Love of Hashem around. Good thing you're on a blog and not in a mitzvah tank. If Nachman were here I think he'd give you a whack. (To say nothing of what Moshe de Leon or Isaac Luria would do...)

So Californians, and residents of WDC, my advice to you is to move somewhere else. As far away from America as you can. Far away from Europe, and from Russia, and from Korea, and Iran and Libya, and just about everywhere else in the world. In fact, ironic as it may sound, pretty soon, the only safe place in the world will be in Israel.

Hmm... go to Israel and be safe... but be surrounded by Tzvi Fishmans...

Screw it, I'll split the difference. Mongolia here I come.

Anything to advance an argument

Lazer's back with some great new theodicy. And by great, I mean disgusting.

Feast your eyes on this bit of (apparently-kosher) tripe submitted by a Lazer correspondent named Elliot:

I have compiled a catalogue of recent events in the UK which demonstrate how Hashem takes care of those who hate us.

And by "takes care of," he means in the Godfather sense.

The first example is ok. Jacqui Smith barred Moshe Feiglin from coming to Israel, now she's hit by political scandal. Fine, whatever. It has all the usual problems with theodicy, but it's not as horribly objectionable as what comes next.

During the recent Gaza war, a member of the British House of Lords called Lord Nazir Ahmed stood up in parliament demanding that any British citizen who has served in the IDF should be arrested and imprisoned. This, he said, is because the IDF were 'killing innocent civilians'. A short while later it was announced on the news that Lord Ahmed had been sentenced to imprisonment for dangerous driving. He was texting on his mobile whilst driving his car at speed, and caused a fatal accident in which an innocent motorist was killed.

Oh snap! And it's extra ironic because the MP killed an innocent "civilian" of the road! Man, what a wicked sense of humor that God has. Hey, Elliot, quick question, though-- I know Lord Ahmed was an enemy of Hashem and all, but what exactly did the motorist do to get on his bad side? (Wait, wait, don't tell me... did he forget to get his car's mezuzahs checked?)

The next story is almost spooky in its obvious 'turn for a turn'. In January 2004 Jenny Tonge, a Liberal Democrat Member of Parliament for Richmond Park, London, publicly expressed sympathy for Palestinian suicide bombers. She said if she was a Palestinian, she would be suicide bomber.

Oh, you mean like Barak said in an interview ten years ago?

Later that year an article appeared in the national press that could easily have been missed. A woman, daughter of a London MP, died in a freak accident in her kitchen, she was electrocuted. Her mother, yes, Jenny Tonge, she who empathised with the savage murderers of Jewish children lost her own child. She hasn't yet got the message because she is still involved in demonstrations showing her hatred of Israel; but we can certainly learn and take note.

Again, I like how we're jeering that a political opponent has "gotten what's coming to them" through the death of an uninvolved third party. Given that Elliot wants us to take notes here, I guess the lesson is, "If your parents say things God doesn't like, make sure you stay far away from them, maybe change your name, get plastic surgery, etc." Also, apparently Elliot's God hasn't read Deuteronomy 24:16 or Ezekiel 18:20.

But wait, there's more! Sometimes Hashem takes his revenge on you even if you don't say ANYTHING!

Going back in time a little, one time British Foreign Secretary Robin Cook demonstrated he was no friend of Israel. On an official visit to the country, after the obligatory visit to Yad vaShem he made a point of visiting Deir Yassin to lay a wreath there. Every self-respecting anti-semite knows all about Deir Yassin, where legend has it that Israelis committed an isolated atrocity against Arabs during the 1948 War of Independence. The story has been refuted by the very Arabs who were there. Nevertheless, Mr Cook had to balance his nasty little equation; the Holocaust and Deir Yassin.

Uh huh. Interesting side-note, guess who DIDN'T refute the Deir Yassin "story"? The Irgun.

Shortly after this Mr Cook's sordid private life was publicised in the national press. After years of cheating on his wife, he cruelly left her for his younger secretary and the papers had a field day. Ann Robinson of the Daily Express asked "Who would fancy that ugly little gnome?" Not long afterwoods he had an untimely death. No one remembered his political achievements; only the sordid stuff.

Boo-ya! He laid a wreath, and was smitten! In your face, gnome-man! The power of God and heart disease takes out another enemy of the people. Just in the nick of time, too. We all know how damaging laying wreaths can be, and how the Lord doesn't tolerate jerkwad politicians honoring the enemies of his precious children. Also, the comment about people only remembering "the sordid stuff" makes me think of another recent untimely death-- maybe the reason the media is concentrating on making Michael Jackson's demise into a total circus is because he pissed off God with that dumb song about "Jew me, Kike me." Just a thought.

You'd think Lazer would be embarassed to post this crap on his blog. You'd be wrong. Look at what the wunderrabbi wrote himself the day before.

One of the basics of emuna is that everything that happens in the world is the product of precision Divine Providence. One who attributes events to fate or coincidence scores "zero" in the field of spiritual awareness. Going through life without spiritual awareness is like riding a fast motorcycle on a pitch-black night without turning on the headlight. The outcome is a deadly collision course...

Uh huh. Notice that people that disagree with Lazer don't have a different opinion, aren't even just merely incorrect, they're spiritually dead. Nice. So, what, Lazer, your dear friends in Israel that have been killed over the years were, what, dirty, dirty sinners? Or maybe they were SOOO awesome that Hashem needed them as his ghost warriors up on high.

Also, Lazer, I know you like to use heymishe analogies so you can connect with the simple folk (and you seem to have a strong preference for manly and military objects, no doubt due to that whole "Rambo Rabbi" image you like to cultivate), but this time it seems a bit off. Saying that everything that happens in the world is because of Godly decisions AND therefore suggesting that people's spiritual decisions determine if they get what they deserve or not is more like deliberately deciding to ride a fast motorcycle in the dark with no headlight because you're wearing tzitzit and reciting Psalams, and there's no way Hashem would let such a tzaddik like yourself crash-- and besides, you don't need a helmet because the power of emunah will protect your holy, holy noggin.

Anyway, read on and throw up:

July has become a bloodbath month for American troops in Afghanistan. Last week (July 12th) on Israel National Radio, I went on record in saying that if Obama doesn't back off Jerusalem, he'll pay a nasty price in Afghanistan. Since then, there hasn't been a day when the US hasn't lost troops, a chopper, or a jet fighter.

I know, Lazer, who would have thought that we would continue to struggle in Afghanistan? Especially when the past eight years have been such a cakewalk? Incidentally-- I seem to recall the British and Russians getting hosed in Afghanistan as well 100-plus years ago: were they really threatening holy Yerushelayim as far back as the 1800s?

With typical ignorant arrogance, a U.S. military spokeswoman in Kabul, Lt. Cmdr. Christine Sidenstricker, said she has not heard anything to suggest a common thread tying the tragedies together. "I don't think they're related," she said. Meanwhile, yesterday, four more Americans were killed by a roadside bomb. Hashem's message on deaf ears, or rather ears that don't want to hear.

Yes, I can't believe that the administration is too dumb to connect two events which have nothing to do with each other and which aren't even happening on the same continent. Geez! It's like that time when Bush didn't connect the dots about the Gaza disengagement causing Hurricane Katrina (or was that the 2004 Tsunami?)

...The US Administration is too arrogant to add 2+2.

Maybe they're just bad at "spiritual math." No? "Emuna Algebra?" Wait, I've got it: "The Calculus of Hashem!" Nice. Lazer, I expect royalties on this one.

Obama has called Afghanistan, "My War," and was drunk with victory because of the first 5 days of success. But, your friend Lazer disagreed with Time Magazine, and said on Israel National Radio that the more the USA puts the squeeze on Israel in the matter of Jerusalem, the more Hashem will put the squeeze on the USA in the matter of Afghanistan.

Hmm, how delightfully random of him. It seems like it would be easier to stymie Obama on everything he tries to do.

Even more so, anything that carries Obama's name is doomed to failure.

Touche, God.

Lazer's Advice Is Great... If you don't actually want to solve your problems

It's time once again for "Lazer Chat!" I've culled the best of Lazer's archives for some of his... let's be nice and call them quirkiest, blogging moments. Since many of them involve women, I've invited Shiksa Girlfriend along for the ride.

SG: Glad to be here. Well, not really.

First up, Lazer gives some advice to a woman that doesn't like loaning things to a neighbor-- though, in this case, the neighbor mostly seems to be sponging food, which I don't count as "borrowing" per se, given that she can't really return them in the way that you can, say, return a book.

Fear not, gentle readers. Lazer always knows the right thing to say:

The next time your neighbor shows up, invite her for a cup of coffee, sit her down, and explain that according to religious law, one who fails to return a loan is called a wicked person. All the crying and chest-beating in synagogue on Yom Kippur can't rectify the crime of one unreturned potato.

Me: Presumably, this is the point where your neighbor starts crying and asks to borrow your headscarf to blow her nose.

SG: The compasionate thing to do would be to tell her you recognize she has money troubles, not accuse her of stealing from you. Even better, this woman could take a page from Passover and only buy what she absolutely needs before Shabbos, then sign over whatever's left to the youngest daughter (preferably one that can't talk) over Shabbos, then truthfully tell the neighbor that she can't give her those eggs because SHE doesn't have any. Or maybe she should buy uglier clothes and sheitels to let her neighbor know they're poor.

Me: You're a wicked genius, sweetie. Back to Lazer:

Also, the Zohar says that a person cannot achieve his or her rightful place in heaven unless they've repayed all outstanding debts. A person must suffer an entire reincarnation for a debt of a few pennies or more, and who says that your next go-round on this earth isn't going to be twenty times worse that this go-round?

Me: So... repay your debts or the Zohar says you'll come back as, what, misbegotten eggs that people will borrow and then forget to repay?

SG: Even worse, eggs with blood spots that are useless for cooking!

Me: No brocha there. Seriously, Lazer, pulling out the reincarnation card? Over some eggs? Don't you want to save that one up for something a little more serious? Also, crap like this is why people think that the Kabbalah Centre is real Kabbalah, because nutjobs like you are always rambling on about the "real" crazy shit in the Zohar that sounds just as bizarre as anything the Bergs can pull out of their butts. I guess what I'm trying to say is that whole Madonna thing is your fault. So thanks.

Wait, there's more!

I am a 20-year-old college sophomore in the US, and lately I have been worrying about whether or not I am on the right path in life. I know I'm still young, but I feel I am ready to be married and start a family, and I live somewhere with very few Jewish males, none of whom are particularly religious. While I've always pictured myself as finishing college, lately I am not sure if this is the right thing to do. I was always an excellent student but lately I have been having a very difficult time finishing assignments because my mind is elsewhere, and even so, the liberal arts program I'm in is not likely to lead to many career opportunities.

Me: What will the great therapist-rabbi suggest? Should she see a counselor? Have a long heart-to-heart with her parents? Take a semester off? Re-evaluate her major?

SG: I don't think so...

Also, so unbelievably many random things keep going wrong, making it more difficult to continue in school, and I don't know whether to take this as a sign from Hashem that maybe I should head in a different direction, or just as another challenge in life to overcome. I don't want to waste any more time if this is not what I should be doing with my life, and end up unmarried, having wasted what should be an exciting time in life on unfruitful studes. Should I spend at least the next two and a half years finishing my BA degree, or is it time to change directions? I would greatly appreciate any advice you might offer. Thank you so much for your time.

Me: If she's sending out emails complaining about her unfruitful studes, I think the answer is to stay in school, or at least use Spell-Check.

Lazer says:

Good girl - you've done a good job of understanding the messages that Hashem has sent you. It's definitely time for you to seriously search for the right person and to raise a family.

Me: Based on what? She's only given you the most basic sketch of her problems? Maybe she needs to get together with a study group, or start volunteering somewhere that she gets satisfaction from.

SG: Also, the second year of any liberal-arts program at most colleges involves slogging through boring core classes to get to the good stuff. Don't email a stranger on the internet, meet with your advisor and blast through it so you can take classes you actually enjoy.

The restlessness in your soul is straight from Hashem. A liberal arts program in a university is a waste of your valuable time and money. As far as a livelihood goes, you can take one of many inexpensive aptitude tests available on the web, determine a skill you like, and then pursue a six-month occupational course, such as computers, graphic design, dental tech, or whatever.

Me: And lucky you, I just happen to have one available for you via my website. New "Laz-y Tests" will get your career jump-started in no time! Incidentally, if feeling conflicted about following a path is a "message" from Hashem and indicates that he wants you to quit what you're doing, then I guess Lazer can't be pissy about the millions of frum Jews that have gone off the derech over the past few thousand years-- they were just following their souls.

I recommend that you check out of university, move to an area where there are Jewish studies for women your age, and then simultaneously strengthen your Judaism and acquire an occupational skill.

Me: Well, I like the fact that he's at least encouraging her to work.

SG: That's so her husband won't have to.

On the other hand, my blue-chip advice for you would be to come to Israel, enroll in a women's seminar for Jewish Studies such as Midreshet Beerot Bat Ayin which I'm sure you'll love, or EYHAT (Aish Hatora women's seminary) or Neve Yerushalayim as possible alternatives. That way you'll be able to strengthen your Judaism and find the exact guy you want.

Me: Sorry, at what point did she indicate she wanted a yeshiva bochur, much less someone from the very impressive niche culture known as Chavakuk?

SG: I'm just imaging the look on her parents' face when she drops out of school to take a six-week course in the exciting world of dental hygiene. Nothing like giving yourself some options.

Up next, a female executive can't sleep at night.

I can't sleep at night, thinking about whether I've made the right decisions for my clients and the best for my company. I'm afraid of sleeping pills, but I'm so tired and edgy lately. My boyfriend terminated our relationship, complaining that my career monopolizes my time and strength.

Me: Whatever will Lazer say? She could... see a doctor, take some time off, try finding a psychologist, have some quality conversation time with a close friend, or any number of other stress-relieving techniques.

Oh, wow. That's surprising. Lazer mostly suggests that she exercise, drink tea, and listen to soft music before bed time. That's not bad at all, actually.

As bedtime approaches, curl up in bed with a glass of chamomile tea and your favorite book. I suggest you read The Garden of Emuna and The Trail to Tranquility. Soon, your eyelids will feel like barbells.

Me: Two things: A- keep on plugging that book; B- I like how even Lazer recognizes that his books are more effective than sleeping pills.

Lazer adds that the note-writer shouldn't feel too bummed out about the departed boyfriend.

You've been spending the bulk of your time in the fast lane of a highly competitive, demanding, and dry men's world with little compassion, so you need to return some femininity to yourself.

Me: Oh yes, Lazer, please do tell us how women can restore their femininity!

SG: Highly skeptical minds want to know.

Commit to the mitzvah of lighting Shabbat candles every week, and immediate after lighting the candles, ask Hashem for whatever you want. Also, learn how to bake challas. If your apartment had the smell of fresh-baked challas on Friday afternoon, no man in his right mind will ever let you go. By the way, I've never seen a divorce in a family that eats home-baked challas.

Me: Wow. Just... wow. So apparently if you can make bread, all your relationship problems will be solved. That's some pretty brilliant advice there, Lazer. You should have an infomercial or something.

SG: Actually, I think he's on to something. I learned how to bake challahs after our first month of dating, and you're still here.

Me: Ah, good point. Apparently the real problem is Gentile girls stealing our baked goods recipies, and thereby, our men.

Now we move on to a high school student with a swearing problem. Lazer opines:

The soul is surrounded by three garments - thoughts, speech, and deeds. When you use foul language, you surround your soul in stench, kind of like walking around with completely dirty underwear. Sounds gross? Foul words make your soul feel gross, and they chase away Hashem's Divine Presence, which means that a person who uses filthy language loses Divine guidance and protection. That's when real trouble in your life starts.

So, cursing is like wearing stinky drawers. All right, I guess I can understand that... but don't you think you could elevate the tone here a little, Lazer?

Remember also, a person with a cheap tongue is a cheap person. You certainly don't want people calling you "cheap" behind your back, especially since you're a quality young lady.

Yeah, you don't want people applying this random aphorism I just made up to you, do you?

People who use foul language are basically no better than pigs. Even if you dress them in in fancy clothes, pigs remain pigs. A person's speech is the showcase of a person's soul.

So, what about people that curse up a storm but do incredibly important and selfless things, like firefighters, police officers, etc.? Are they bad people? Pigs? I don't know about you, Lazer, but that sounds like some bull to me.

Here we have a Baalas Teshuvah (female "returnee" to Ortho Judaism) used to sleep around, then she had masectomies and became religious. She's totally happy and satisfied with her life now, except... well...

Ever since I did teshuva, I've been doing everything possible to cleanse myself of the old sins, including saying Tikkun Klali every day, being super meticulous in the modesty of my appearance and head covering, exacting about every detail of kedusha (holiness - LB) above and beyond the basic laws of family purity, even guarding my eyes from looking at other men. Yet recently, I've been getting nasty flashbacks of the past during my most intimate time with my husband. You can't imagine my anguish and sorrow. I've been begging to Hashem every day to wipe the images of other men and my old sinning self off of my heart.

Me: Hmm, I can't imagine why you'd be associating sexy time with your husband with past sexual expereiences! It's not like there's any emotional or mental connection between sex you used to have and sex you're having right now!

...nothing has helped. Am I so far from Hashem and teshuva that these flashbacks have returned to torment me? Why all of a sudden after a full two or three years that I didn't think about them?

Me: Having orgy flashbacks while having sex with your husband is not a sign that you are "far from God," lady, it's a sign that you haven't had a total memory wipe. Maybe you should spend your time trying to spice up your marital bed instead of endlessly fretting about your flashbacks.

I am really touched by your letter. Don't fret, everything is for the very best as you'll soon see. Not only does Hashem love you, but I guarantee you that you are one of His favorite daughters.

Me: Nice unsubstantiated pablum there.

SG: Yeah, I don't know you, but trust me, God likes you.

First, you ask about the nasty flashbacks, "Why all of a sudden after a full two or three years that I didn't think about them?" Rebbe Nachman of Breslev explains this clearly in Likutei Moharan (Part 1, Torah 25), namely, that when a person ascends to a higher spiritual level, he is bombarded with lusts and/or fantasies that he thought he had already overcome.

Me: How convenient!

SG: And... nonsensical?

True, at your previous spiritual level, you had overcome the old garbage and had properly done teshuva. But, at your new spiritual level, you have to do more hard work to further cleanse the tiny blemishes that are still on your soul. In simple terms, you're now playing in a higher, more demanding league. You think you have digressed, but the opposite is true. You have made and are making fabulous spiritual progress.

Me: This "God Tests you because He Loves you" stuff really rubs me the wrong way. Isn't this sort of like saying, "You worked hard your whole life to overcome the adversity you faced by being born with only one foot. Now you're middle-aged and have cancer. Wow, we sure can tell God loves you!"

SG: Theodicy isn't supposed to make sense. You know that.

Second, you anguish in seeing these nasty flashbacks is in itself a lofty form of teshuva. When they actually happened, you wantonly enjoyed every minute of what was going on. Now, when you see the same images, you are deeply disgusted and embarrassed. Rest assured that your anguish and embarrassment are better than a beautiful sin offering in the altar of our Holy Temple, may it be rebuilt soon, amen.

Me: Um, yeah... High five?

SG: Better than a Temple offering? Really? Based on what? That seems like a really obscure comparison to make.

Me: Last one. Here we have Lazer speaking to a new mother-in-law about minding her own business. I like the general spirit of the response, but somehow Lazer always manages to throw some random commentary in there that makes no sense:

From my experience, the only emotional ordeal more difficult than one's first year in the army is one's first year in marriage. Marriage demands that two totally opposite beings - a man and a woman - mesh together in harmony. That's not an easy task, and every single couple on earth has problems.

Me: Uh, Lazer, this just in: men and women are not totally opposite. In fact they share a lot of things in common, both in terms of biology (let's hear it for being able to perpetuate the species, unlike say, a monkey and a duck) and psychology or personality. In fact, many people have told SG and I that we are so alike it's creepy.

SG: Yeah Lazer, you're making it sound like every relationship is an Odd Couple rip-off involving Nessie and Sasquatch.

Me: How do they make it work?

Closing the book on Hagee

As some will remember, I have some strong opinions on John Hagee- few of them complimentary. So I was happy to see McCain cut him loose last week (and amused that he's getting hammered for it from the same evangelicals who he had originally tried to pander to by seeking Hagee out in the first place). Even Joseph Farah said that Hagee went too far.

Of course, there were some die-hards, including Jews, who wouldn't let go and are still trying to defend Hagee- leading the pack is our old pal Dennis Prager. Dennis starts by reminding us that Hagee was cribbing from scripture- Jeremiah, in this case. Not that this should make a difference; after all, he was quoting Joel when he said God caused Ariel Sharon's stroke.

I am a God-believing, Torah-believing, religious (though not Orthodox) Jew, author of a book on Judaism and a book on anti-Semitism who does not agree with this theological explanation of the Holocaust.
But the notion that God willed the Holocaust is neither anti-Jewish nor even un-Jewish. There are, after all, only two possible explanations regarding God and the Holocaust:
1. God allowed it but did not will it.
2. God willed it.
This is simple logic.

Dennis tries to explain away Hagee's comments by saying that his position is a legitimate one within the spectrum of Jewish thought. He sifts through a lot of texts to justify this, and even covers his back by saying that he himself, doesn't agree with this view.

We recoil at the thought of a just, good and loving God willing the mass murder of so many innocent people. But that belief is not necessarily anti-Semitic.
Moreover, the alternate view that God simply lets all this evil and cruelty go on isn't satisfying, either. Whether God directed the Holocaust or just allowed it to happen, in either case, many Jews are angry with Him for that. Anger toward God (as well as love toward Him) has a long history even among devout Jews.

Fair enough, but the key here is that Hagee is NOT a member of the tribe.

Hagee seems to think that all his work for the Jewish community entitles him to a free pass on whatever subject he'd like to spout off on, and it's not that simple. Holocaust theodicy remains one of the biggest third rails in contemporary Jewish life. Rabbis and Jewish leaders have opined on it for sixty years, trying to distill meaning from senseless suffering. And for many of us, they have come up lacking. Not even rabbis are immune from the backlash. There are a number of reasons for this sensitivity- including the fact that there are still survivors living today. More than anything, though, I think is the fact that a lot of people feel that any attempt to explain the Holocaust in terms of theology necessarily involves a "pat answer"- and feel that such a grand trauma deserves much more than that. Hagee's answer, just like Ovadia Yosef's and M.M. Schneerson's answers, are unacceptable because they demean the Holocaust, they banalize the experiences and suffering of all those involved.

Hagee is one of the most pro-Jewish Christians alive. No living Christian has devoted more of his life to combating anti-Semitism. He has received death threats from anti-Semites, and they have attacked his home. To accuse such a man of anything anti-Jewish renders both truth and anti-Semitism meaningless. Calling people who help Jews anti-Semitic is a gift to real anti-Semites. With no exception I am aware of, those who imply some anti-Jewish animus in Hagee do so in order to undermine an evangelical conservative and to manufacture a right-wing equivalence to the America-cursing, race-based Rev. Jeremiah Wright.

Dennis is right that Hagee's comments do not make him antisemitic. But I've never thought that Hagee's problem was antisemitism. It was arrogance. Hagee operates from a supreme theological arrogance and callousness, oblivious of the pain his words cause others- all the more so when he is looking in on another community, as an outsider, and purporting to neatly explain one of their greatest tragedies. To put it simply, Hagee was out of his depth, and was speaking out of his place. Turning around and getting mad at other people having a problem with this only underscores the arroagance and high-handedness that exemplifies why so many Jews are wary of the Christian right becoming ever-closer to the Jews- there is a fear, not unfounded, that the evangelicals are doing all this for various semi-sinister purposes, and at some point the other shoe is going to drop; they're going to want something for all their "help." Some of this is exaggerated. But some of it seems legitimate; the closer Christians get to Jews, especially when it comes to identifying with and even appropriating elements of Jewish identity and consciousness, the more there is a concern about where this blending ends. When an evangelical preacher starts offering explanations for Jewish tragedies- UNASKED- and then gets riled up when people tell him to stick a fork in it, there's a problem. The Holocaust is not Hagee's narrative, and it is not his to explain, especially when it comes to questions like "Did the Jews somehow earn their suffering?" When Jews do it, it's arguably bad theology. For Christians to do it is a whole other can of worms, and one which Hagee and his defenders seem utterly oblivious to. That inability or unwillingness to understand how or why anyone could find this objectionable offers a deep insight into how Christians view and understand the relationship between our two groups. Is it indeed an equal partnership? Or are we merely there as inspirational window-dressing? This is the same issue we saw with Ann Coulter's crap- which Dennis also defended. Again, it's not about antisemitism, it's about being an asshole.

I agree that Hagee is not an antisemite, but neither is it right to simply call him "a friend of the Jews." Hagee helps himself. His theology encompasses his worldview, and Jews only matter empirically insofar as they intersect with that larger perspective. If you agree with his ideology, then you can make the case that, as a Jew or a conservative or a lover of Greater/Strong/Messianic Israel, yes, you benefit by his programs and actions. If, however, you see things differently, then Hagee's "friendship" is really more of a double-edged sword. Hagee's ideology, with all of its complexities and problems, is the definitive prism through which he must be understood. At a certain point, the real question must become how much Jews are willing to swallow in the name of "unity" and support for Israel, and not just in terms of rhetoric but also policy (Hagee being more to the right on Israeli policy than most American OR Israeli Jews). If you're Hagee's kind of Jew, then I guess he's a good friend for you to have. But for someone who's only agreement with Hagee is that Israel is good and jihad is bad, I'm not very comfortable with him running the "Jewish-Christian brotherhood" show. Leonard Fein calls it a matter of self-respect, and I have to agree.

And sorry Dennis, but if you look at his sermons, books and speeches, I think you have to conclude that when it comes to being a clueless jackass, Hagee is absolutely Jeremiah Wright's equal.

The Blasphemy of Theodicy

The news this week that Ted Kennedy is suffering from a malignant brain tumor hit my family very hard. Not because we love Ted Kennedy so much, although my parents do seem to have some affection for him, and his politics do match our collective ones fairly closely. But rather because we celebrated a recent milestone of our own- the 5th anniversary of my mother's diagnosis and removal of a benign brain tumor of her own.

I was traipsing along the internet and found a post by Batya not-so-subtly suggesting that Ted Kennedy's (and Ariel Sharon's) illnesses were divine punishment. She asks,

Does G-d punish non-Jews in the same way as Jews?

I can only speak for myself, but this question exemplifies all the reasons I find theodicy utterly disgusting as well as personally infuriating. (To be fair to Batya, her post was by far one of the less obscene examples floating around.)

This was my reply to Batya:

Given that our politics and religious beliefs are so different, I'm not surprised that I disagree with your take on this.

However, the fact that my mother recently "celebrated" her 5th year of surviving a brain tumor gives me an intimate perspective on this sort of thing.

I have always rejected theodicy, while recognizing that this places me at odds with many people who need to attribute all suffering to God to make the world make sense, who need to make God a punisher as well as a healer. I understand that, but I cannot accept it. I could not accept it before. I certainly cannot after spending long evenings with my mother in the hospital, helping her in the years after her recovery, when she had forgotten the most rudimentary basics of her life, such as her times tables, or how to read.

My mother was never religious, and still seems confused or uncomfortable when she sees me doing things like baking challah, making kiddush, or hosting a seder. Repeatedly, however, the one question she does seem interested is, "Do you think I am being punished?" "Do you think I did something to deserve this?"

And as always, my answer is no. Just as there was no sin that justified the Holocaust, there was no crime that my mother committed that would have justified being cursed with a growth the size of an orange squeezing against her brain, nothing she could have done to deserve a series of seizures and internal bleeding that wiped out her ability to multi-task, engage in rapid memory recall, or any of the other activities she formerly excelled at. The fact that deep down, she thinks that maybe, just maybe, she considers her permanent disability something she earned makes me both furious and sick.

Keeping this in mind, while there are plenty of groups and politicians I find distasteful, I cannot support people imagining themselves in the role of God, trying to sort out why this punishment is appropriate for this person, or that group.

I do not consider myself a religious person. But I call this blasphemy. Just as I would if the "target" of the theodicy were someone I intensely disagreed with, such as Ronald Reagan or Mordechai Eliyahu. I do not believe that THEIR medical problems are divine retribution anymore than Sharon's, Kennedy's, or my mother's were. Furthermore, I find it hypocritical that some people are so quick to guess at what Sharon or Kennedy are being punished for while they seem a lot less eager to theorize what past "sins" might have landed the esteemed Rav in the hospital.

I believe that anyone who has lived with or cared for someone with a brain tumor, Alzheimer's, cancer, heart disease, or a myriad of other illnesses would be hard-pressed to find a theology that neatly lines up these heart-breaking episodes with a convenient or appropriate "sin." And frankly, I feel that any God who visits such punishments on average Joe schmoes (or even morally questionable politicians) while allowing some of the greatest murderers of our age to die in their sleep (Stalin and Pol Pot) or take their own lives (Hitler) is not worth believing in.

That must be it

There's been a lot of wanky theodicy around lately. As always, there are the people that are disgusted by any attempts to say God is causing terrorism (or anything else bad) to punish the Jews, and the people who, desperate to make their theology make sense, not only defend people who make such arguments, but also go five steps farther. This leads us, in turn, to rehashing the ultimate theodicy.

My Rosh Yeshiva [Yeshiva principal; head teacher] once said the following in a shmuz [talk] regarding the Holocaust: Many Gedolim [sages; leaders] made what seemed to be wrong decisions regarding the war. Does that mean the Gedolim were wrong? Obviously not. He gave the following mashul [explanation]: When someone needs to punish a flock of shep, the first thing you need to do is blind the shepherd. Otherwise, he can lead the sheep past the danger.

The same thing applied to the Holocaust: Hashem [God] needed to punish Klal Yisrael [the people of Israel]. Therefore, he had to “blind” our shepherds, the Gedolim, and take away some of the Ruach Hakodesh [Holy Spirit].

The same thing may be happening now. Hopefully, it is part of the Chevlei Mashiach [birthpangs of the Messiah], and means Mashiach is coming soon!

Remember one thing: even if this is true, that the Gedolim are being “blinded” by Hashem, we still must listen to them! We don’t know for sure, and even if they are blinded, what chance do we have making decisions on our own? A blinded shepherd is better than no shepherd at all!

Of course. That makes perfect sense. Especially if you have a stick shoved through your temple.

The ironic thing is I don't agree with the politics that drive this guy to need to explain away his rabbi's "blindness." But to have to contort your mind in so many ways to rationalize the fact that rabbis are fallible human beings? That's just kind of sad.

Hope you're all taking notes

...Because there will be a quiz. A stupid, stupid quiz.

Breaking news from some bozo in Shas: Gays cause earthquakes.

Shas MK Shlomo Benizri blamed gays Wednesday for the earthquakes that have shaken the region in recent months, telling a Knesset plenum debate on local authorities' earthquake preparedness that government action on homosexuality would do much to prevent the tremors.

Benizri said the government should not make do with reinforcing buildings, but should instead pass less legislation that encourages homosexuality and other "perversions like adoptions by lesbian couples."

..."Why do earthquakes happen?" said Benizri. "One of the reasons is the things to which the Knesset gives legitimacy, to sodomy."

"A cost-effective way of averting earthquake damage," he added, "would be to stop passing legislation on how to encourage homosexual activity in the State of Israel, which anyways causes earthquakes."

Yes, and apparently Shas causes brain damage. Who knew?

According to those in the know (sometimes called "reporters,") Benizri is annoyed that Israel is letting gays adopt kids. I always wanted to know how to say "Bill O'Reilly" in Hebrew...

But wait! According to Rav Lazer Brody, the recent earthquakes are a sign that the Messiah is coming. I'm confused. Are earthquakes good or bad?

Wait, I know! Gay adoptions are actually a tool of Hashem that he is using to CAUSE earthquakes, because then the Dome of the Rock will fall apart and the Third Temple will magically ascend in its place... um... because, uh, the Third Temple has already been rebuilt, it's just stuck under the mountain, and so the gays are acting like... uh... God's blasting powder! Yeah!

(Wow, being a psycho is harder than it looks.)

But wait, there's more:

"God says you shake your genitals where you are not supposed to and I will shake my world in order to wake you up," he added.

Wow, I didn't realize there was so much cock in the Gemara. How dirty.

For those in the know, Benizri's nuttiness apparently has a long history. Rooftopper Rav at Jewschool notes that Benizri has previously complained about "slant-eyes" serving him in restaurants. Oh, and he's under indictment for receiving millions of shekels in kickbacks. Thank you, Shas for showing us the Torah-true way to be a jackass.

At least the gay community in Israel knows how to deliver a snappy comeback:

Mike Hammel, who chairs Israel's Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual and Transgender Association said in response that "religious MKs are apparently competing to see who can disparage [the gay] community more."

"This is a sad competition that shows how dark Shas MKs are," he said.

"On one had, it is sad that a religious MK doesn't believe that earthquakes are caused by God," he added. "On the other hand, it is flattering that he attributes supernatural powers to us."

Zing! They don't teach you the fine art of the "burn" in yeshiva.

All this theodicy reminds me of a conversation I had recently over at Sultan Knish's place.

Steve- Listen to the voice of HaShem. Look what He is doing to our economy recently. HaShem is speaking, if Americans would only listen.

Friar- Economic theodicy; I have to say, that's a new one. So what, the Great Depression happened because God was annoyed with the US? (Maybe he didn't like Prohibition? We are supposed to get drunk on Purim, after all...) And the economy boom during Clinton's years in office indicates what, that God's all about the oral sex?

You bring up a good point, me. If gays make God so angry how come the past few Gay Pride brou-ha-has have all been earthquake free?

Catching Up with Tzvi

It's been too long since we've visited Tzvi Fishman's blog. In between consuming tons of pornography and communing with assorted agents of Baal, it occurred to me that Tzvi might have come up with some more interesting (or hilarious) ideas. So I traipsed on over and found the motherload. Some of this will be paraphrased but just as often it's more amusing to let Tzvi speak for Tzvi. Please accept an early apology for the length of this post, to say nothing of its content.

Here Tzvi regales readers with "the secret of Yom Kippur." First he talks about the Hatam Sofer, famous Ashkenazic rabbi, having pains in his genitals. Rather than visit a doctor, the Hatam Sofer instead deduces that it must be divine punishment for some sort of sin. But wait, the Hatam Sofer knew better than to abuse himself! So what could his sin have been? Apparently, God was punishing him for not talking enough about "Guarding the Covenant," which, as it conveniently happens, is Tzvi's super-duper-pet issue. Great story, really heart-warming. Nothing makes me more eager to commune with the divine than hearing about one of the most respected rabbis of the ages getting God-herpes for not warning little kids against playing with themselves. Tzvi makes things even better by adding this gem: " Studying the teachings of Rabbi Nachman, one realizes that everything on Yom Kippur has to do with Tikun HaBrit."

Sort of like how studying pot makes one realize that everything on Yom Kippur has to do with playing Sergeant Pepper's backward?

More on the secret of the brit (there always is with Tzvi). I couldn't understand it all, but for some reason he includes a very attractive picture of a mule. Oh, and he concludes with this:

"our forefather, Avraham, who never gazed upon his wife in a lustful fashion"

Hey, maybe that's the real reason Sarah didn't conceive until 90!

Here Tzvi rants about how Diaspora Jews aren't, well, good Jews:

The reason that the aliyah rate from North America is a dismal .006 percent is because the Jewish education there fosters the strengthening of Judaism in America and Canada. In a past blog, I already gave two clear examples of this, which I will repeat here.

Once, when visiting my parents in Florida before they moved to Israel, I noticed a flyer on the bulletin board of the local Orthodox shul. Its headline invited the congregation to come on a trip with the rabbi to “our nation’s capital.” The photograph on the flyer was the Capitol Building in Washington D.C., and not Jerusalem. Since when, I wondered, had Washington become the capital of the Jewish People?

Those bastards! How dare they cave in to PC geography!

On another occasion, I had to be in Toronto to raise funds for a yeshiva. While I was waiting to speak in one of the large Orthodox synagogues, I glanced at the weekly Jewish journal. On the front page was a photo of the Toronto landmark skyscraper that looks like a needle. The caption read: “Looking Forward to the Next Decade of Jewish Life in Toronto.”

I was startled. After all, a Jew is supposed to yearn for the next decade of Jewish life in Jerusalem. This is what we pray for three times a day. And, “Next Year in Jerusalem” is what we all say at the conclusion of the Passover Seder and our Yom Kippur prayers. Are we supposed to mean it, or are we just mouthing the words?

If you haven't guessed, Tzvi tends to be easily startled.

Don't worry, there's more:

First, we thank G-d for the Land of Israel because a Jew is supposed to be living in the Land of Israel, and not in France or Canada. The sad fact that there are Jews living outside of the Land is in punishment for the sins of our past. When we were cast into exile a long time ago, our Rabbis decreed that we should continue to practice the mitzvot, even though G-d gave them to us to observe in Eretz Yisrael. This was in order to make sure that we wouldn’t forget how to do them during our long absence from our Land...

Hmm. Seems a little counterintuitive to me. Wouldn't God casting us into exile suggest he not want us to fulfill the mitzvot? Maybe he was trying to send us all a message? Maybe he was allergic to the sacrifice smoke? Or techelet? How do we know all this mitzvot observance today isn't just getting him continually more annoyed?

Here Tzvi says we should abolish the term "Jew" and instead conceive of that particular people as Israelis of various degrees:

Some of us are Israelis who have been blessed to live in Israel, and others are Israelis who live under the curse of the exile in foreign lands, but they are Israelis too. Call them Israelis in captivity, or Israelis in exile, or Outcasts of Israel. Why call them Jews? This is misleading. It is a formula for the schizophrenic thinking that so characterizes Diaspora Israelis, who think that they are American Jews, or French Jews, or Australian Jews, when in fact they are the Children of Israel. Their nationality isn’t American or French. Their nationality of Israeli. They are Israelis who live in the captivity of America, or Israelis who live in the exile of France. If you educate a child to understand that he is an Israeli living in the exile of a foreign land, then when he grows up there is an excellent chance that he will opt to come home to Israel. But if you tell him that he is an American Jew then you are dooming him to a life in the exile of America.

To be fair, Tzvi's right. Unfortunately, I also happen to think he's a little nuts. Captivity? Are you shitting me? Whoever heard of voluntary captivity? For better or worse, Hillel Kook was right when he said "The exile ended on May 14, 1948"- the Jews of the world chose. As painful as it may be to accept that a great many Jews have no interest in being Israeli, surely the better option is to face reality rather than try to abolish the word "Jew." Also, Outcasts of Israel makes me think more of Israeli expats than Jews that have never even been to visit. Incidentally, Outcasts of Israel could easily be the name of the next Jewish rap group.

Here Tzvi gets melodramatic that everybody keeps calling him on his horseshit and threatens/jokes to quit writing.

How can I exhort you to change your old, routine t’shuva tapes, and come clean before G-d, when I myself continue on with the same old polluted tune?

First of all, my arrogance. It screams out to Heaven. The Big Blogger! As if I have something to say! What a joke! What a laugh! Yes, I could tell you how to write a screenplay, but to pretend to know something about Torah, or about the complexities of Am Yisrael – what a fake! True, I have tried to quote real Sages, so that readers may benefit from their words, but on many occasions I wrote as if I were the expert on this subject or that, when it is all a big bluff. I know nothing! Yet I pretend to be the voice box of the nation. The Almighty hates arrogance and pride. So how can I continue?

And what about all of those nasty punches I dealt to Diaspora Jews? Doesn’t G-d love them too? Is this OK? Can I pass this over as if it is OK to blast away at a Jew just because he or she lives in the stinking cesspool of the exile? Several readers commented on this lack of Ahavat Yisrael. Would Rabbi Kook write in this fashion? With satirical illustrations to boot? Certainly not!

And yes, I confess, my eyeballs have been gooooooooogled and yahoooooed out of my mind. Filters, shmilters. You search for a photo of the universe to explain the phenomenon of t’shuva, and the first image that appears on the screen is a picture of Miss Universe lying naked on a beach! TILT! TILT! TILT! TILT! GAME OVER!

I’ve had it. I quit. I’m getting a job in a yeshiva, working in the kitchen. Like some have suggested, I am going back to my cave. Maybe when I emerge, I will be a humbler, kinder, holier person.

Frankly, the best part of this piece is the picture of Tzvi hanging out like Baloo the bear (ironically, the search filters Tzvi so strenuously argues for might have prevented me from finding that image, under the theory that I was actually looking for gay porn). Stupid telepathic search filters.

Tzvi, miraculously returned from his one-day quitting sabbatical, nevertheless continues to plug ahead. Here he is complaining that not living in Israel means one can never be truly frum- dooming even the most religious Jews to the not-very-complimentary designation of "Conservadox," or even worse, pickers and choosers!

For instance, a Jew who becomes a baal t’shuva in Chicago has only returned a part of the way home. While his personal character and behavior have been sanctified by aligning his life on the pathway of Torah, he has traveled only half of the journey home. The “t’shuva train” is continuing on to Israel. The final stop is Jerusalem. Every Jew needs to bring his little light home to the Holy Land where it can join the great flame.

Chuckle.

He has to uplift his private, egotistical life, to the higher life of Clal Yisrael, and to merge his personal goals with the goals of the rebuilding of the nation.

Tzvi must not read the news. Chief Rabbinate?

Rabbi Tzvi Yehuda HaCohen Kook would stress to his students that an Orthodox Jew does not pick and choice mitzvahs, saying “This commandment is pleasing to me, I will do it, but this commandment is too difficult, I will pass.” This is the way of Conservative Jewry. If Shabbat is too much of a burden, they don’t observe it. If wearing tzitzit is too embarrassing, or uncomfortable, or old-fashion, then it isn’t for them..."

Sucks to be you, Satmars.

There's more. Tzvi's come up with another reason all Jews need to make aliyah. And it involves aliens. Well, not aliens, per se. More like, "evil prayer-intercepting angels." Tzvi calls them "celestial ministers." I don't know about you, but that makes me think of Heaven's Gate.

Hashem has appointed celestial ministers to rule over the countries of the world. As the Ramban explains, outside of the Land, the prayers of a Jew and the Torah he learns are carried up to the celestial minister who rules over that land, and not straight to Hashem. This gives strength to the angel, and thus to the foreign land and culture which the angel personifies. In this sense, serving Hashem outside of the Land is like serving other gods, ie, serving the angels who preside over the lands of the gentiles. Only in the Land of Israel can a Jew serve Hashem directly without having to contend with any intermediary powers (Ramban on the Torah, Achrei Mot, 18:25).

This is the reason that Avraham Avinu wanted to come to Israel, so that he could worship Hashem directly without intervening celestial messengers. Because we are the children of Avraham Avinu, we have inherited his genes and his spiitual strengths. As the Ramban explains, the deeds of our holy forefathers are signs for us to follow. Just as Avraham went forth to the Land of Israel, trusting in G-d, we all can too.

I have to admit, I did not see this one coming. Question, though. Doesn't this mean that it's bad to pray while in exile? And that essentially, the reason that so many bad governments have stayed in power so long is because Orthodox Jews kept praying to God? Just think about it: Russia, the Ottomans, etc. The secular Jews were really doing the right thing!

Oh, and what about when Israel was occupied? Did the Romans get the prayer-power? Or did it not count because it was legally Jewish? And how are we counting the boundaries? Is this a Greater Israel thing or not? What about, say, the Sinai? Should the settlers there have prayed or not?

Come on Tzvi, we need ANSWERS!
In case some of you still weren't sure, here Tzvi writes about how generally nuts he is. I think this probably qualifies as another "your wife must be so happy to be married to you" moments:

During my first year as a baal t’shuva returning to the Torah, when the holiday of Succot came alone, I erected four poles on the roof of the eight-story apartment building where I was living in Manhattan. Not having learned the laws of the festival, I stretched a blanket over the poles as a succah roof and slept outside in the wind and rain throughout the holiday. Though my makeshift succah was invalid and not a succah at all, I am sure that G-d was pleased with the well-meaning weirdo on that lonely New York City roof.

The next year I was invited to spend the first Yom Tov of Succah at the home of a shaliach from Israel who was working on an aliyah project in New York. When it started to rain at the beginning of the meal, he ordered his family to abandon the succah and move everything into the house. I refused, saying that I was staying in the succah since Rabbi Nachman taught that the mitzvah of succah is a segulah (special blessing) for coming to Eretz Yisrael. My host argued that the halachah stated that a person could leave his succah because of the discomfort and health hazard of rain, but I stubbornly stayed in the succah all night. Five minutes after the Yom Tov ended, the telephone rang. It was a co-worker of the shaliach from Israel. He said that they needed me to accompany a TV film crew that was flying to Israel in two days and that there was an El Al ticket for me waiting at JFK. “You see,” I told the startled shaliach. “Rabbi Nachman was right!”

Oy. God knows what mitzvah Tzvi will discover next. I'm guessing it involves fire-ants.


Like idiot theodicy? Here Tzvi recycles two-year-old narishkeit about God swamping Katrina because of gays. Only one problem: the French Quarter SURVIVED the hurricane. Details, details.

And having gotten onto the topic of natural disasters, Tzvi decides to go all out.

Hashem has many messengers. The Almighty can use anti-Semitism and persecution to shatter the dream of galut, or He can use fires, earthquakes, or floods to drive Diaspora Jews back home to Israel. The destruction that the conflagrations have left in their wake, and the staggering number of homeless, make the evacuation of Gush Katif seem like peanuts. And the fires are still raging. Brothers and sisters, we have been saying it all along. Life is much more dangerous in America and France than it is in Israel. Wake up already! Get the message, boys and girls. Read the writing on the wall before it is too late. Your bastions, and country club memberships, and Jewish Federations won't help you. Not in California, nor Monsey, nor Long Island, nor even in Boca Raton. Don't make the mistake by pretending that this ongoing inferno is just a freak outburst of nature.

Everything that happens in the world is from G-d, and it's all for the sake of the Jews. So take some good advice and sell your houses now before there is nothing left of them but smoke. Come home to Israel while you can, before you are shipped here in a coffin.

Save them from what? God being an asshole? Am I missing something? Are there no fires in Israel? (Is that related to the water shortage?) Also, the idea that God is so hell-bent on getting Jews to Israel that he will KILL THEM to make them leave is so demented I'm really close to speechless.

Tzvi's next column deals with the residual consequences of making a boneheaded statement like, "God is punishing you with fires to make Jews go to Israel." What about non-Jews, Tzvi? Ah, but that's easy- California is full of sin!

Is it coincidental that this week’s Torah portion tells the story of Sodom and Gemorah? Once upon a time, I lived in Southern California, and that’s exactly what it is. It is a land of narcissism, perverted sex, and greed. The iron gates, electric fences, and prowling guard dogs surrounded everybody’s mansion send out the clear message to strangers – “KEEP OUT!” Just like in residents of Sodom.

...Just last week, California’s governor, the son of a Nazi, signed a new law making restrooms in schools co-ed.

Tzvi, you really are a boob. CO-ED BATHROOMS were so offensive to the Almighty that he killed fourteen people? Also, again there's the problem of nature not really giving a crap about how sinful you are. Most of the people evacuated or who lost homes were not eeevil Hollywood moguls or sex-filled celebrities. They were regular families whose only sin was daring to live in the same state as these supposed evil-doers. How stupid are you?

Quite stupid, apparently, because he keeps going. Fishman's third article on the fires goes after Chabad and other Jewish CHARITIES for wasting their time trying to help Jews in need, rather than schlepping them off to Israel.

Jews of California – the people of Israel are with you in your sorrow. But as you contemplate the task of rebuilding, why waste your time rebuilding your lives in exile. Your tragedy will only happen again. Whether by fire, or earthquake, or persecution, or assimilation, the future of Diaspora Jewry is doomed. What point is there in rebuilding your houses and shuls in galut when you can build new homes and Chabad houses in Israel?

...Nowhere is South California, or Toronto, or Antwerpen mentioned in the Torah. Hashem told Avraham to go to Israel...Brothers and sisters, don’t be like the Jews who wanted to remain in Egypt, slaves to a foreign culture, dreaming to be accepted by idol worshippers and engage in their pagan perversions. Remember what happened to them. They died in the plague of darkness, the darkness of swimming pools, and Volvos, and Jewish Federations.

Brothers and sisters, Judaism is more than gefilta fish and getting drunk at the weekly sumptuous Sabbath Kiddush, and going to the latest movie on Saturday night. Judaism is building a holy nation in the Land that G-d bestowed to the Jews. The choice is before you. You can rebuild your private houses and reconstruct your private swimming pools and private home Jacuzzis and gyms, or you can dedicate your lives to helping to rebuild the Jewish Nation in the Jewish Land...

Hashem tests us through dangers. He tests our faith in Him and our love for Him through the dangers we have to overcome, and through the sacrifices we have to make on His behalf. This is how he builds us into being His people. He doesn’t want one-day-a-week Jews, lovers of California six days a week, and lovers of Hashem on Shabbat. He wants us to love Him completely, with all of our hearts, with all of our souls, with all of our might, even more than we love our mansions, and swimming pools, and Cadillacs and shiksas. It isn’t enough to say, “In G-d we trust,” by stockpiling dollars in the bank and buying some Israel bonds. G-d wants us to trust in Him more than we trust in the dollar.

So to all of the homeless... and Chabad rabbis, wherever you may be, when you gaze at the ruins of your exile dreams, be happy. The exile isn’t supposed to last forever. Step out of the darkness and see the light. Your future and the future of all the Jewish People is here, in Israel, just like in the days of our forefathers.

Wow, Tzvi, your timing on this is really... wow. Living in America equals being a Gefilte fish, one-day-a-week Jew, and people should DANCE on the rubble of their homes. It's funny Tzvi mentions lost causes, because everybody with eyes to see seems to recognize that the settlers aren't going to be able to hang on to every last grain of sand in Israel. Yet somehow Jews are crazy for wanting to rebuild in SoCal? At least no one's shooting rockets at them. At least all the governments of the world aren't constantly pressuring them to leave. Something tells me that there will be a new Chabad house in San Diego before there's one in Gaza.

Speaking of which, I don't recall GAZA being mentioned all that often in the Torah (certainly not in comparison to, say, Jerusalem or Hebron). Would you give the same advice to those homeless Jews, Tzvi?

Winding down... Tzvi leaves us with two final articles. One reprints an article by Meir Kahane for his yarzeit. Tzvi must think he's being particularly clever by running Kahane's dire predictions of things like "fire from heaven" next to pictures of the recent California fire. Because, again, things like fire don't exist in the Holy Land of Israel, which is why there are no differences today between Jews and Karaites. Tzvi also has a picture toward the end with the caption, "impotence of the Diaspora Jew," which is not only funny because of Tzvi's obsession with all things wang-related, but also because the Jews in California are in a much better position to bounce back than say, the people living in the ongoing hellhole that is Sderot.

Lastly, we conclude with Mr. Fishman's latest masterpiece, why Jews shouldn't celebrate Halloween. Halloween is apparently extra bad because it comes from so many different goyish cultures- Christians and Celtic pagans and Roman pagans, oh my!

Jewish Law states: “A Jew should not follow the customs of the gentiles, nor imitate them in dress, or in their way of trimming their hair, as it says, ‘You shall not walk in the customs of the nation which I cast out before you’ (Lev. 20:23), and ‘Neither shall you walk in their statutes’ (Lev. 18:3). These verses all refer to one and the same matter of not imitating them. A Jew, on the contrary, should be distinguished from them and recognizable by the way he dresses, and in his other activities, just as he is distinguished from them in his knowledge and his beliefs, as it is said, ‘I have set you apart from the peoples’ (Lev. 20:26).” (See, Rambam, Laws Regarding Idol Worship and the Ordinances of the Gentiles, 11:1).

And of course, since nobody else on the planet wears skullcaps or grows beards, Tzvi is safe on this account. Hey, if you really want to stand out, why not implant a giant billboard that says, "JEW" in neon? I'm willing to bet my streimel that nobody else has thought of that before?

When it comes to the question whether Jews can take part in gentile holidays, the halachic discussion differs between clearly religious holidays like Xmas, which are forbidden, and purely secular holidays like Labor Day, which are permissible. Halloween’s religious origins and pagan history place it in the category of gentile holidays that are forbidden to celebrate. Though Halloween in America has been secularized and commercialized to the point where it is now a frivolous time of costumes, candy, and pranks, it is still celebrated in places like Scotland and Ireland as a Celtic festival of the spirits, and in other places as a holiday honoring the Christian saints. Therefore “Trick or Treating” is a no-no for Jewish children.

The law prohibiting our participation in gentile holidays and customs comes to protect our special Jewish holiness and cultural distinction. If you allow your kids to participate in the pagan rites of a gentile culture, they will grow up with pumpkin heads instead of Jewish heads.

But what if he grows a beard? Can't he split the difference?

But wait, Tzvi forsees a problem with his strict code! (I hope he didn't consult any witches for this prophesy.)

On the other hand, if you try to safeguard our distinction as Jews and not let your children go “Trick or Treating” with all the other kids in the neighborhood , they will grow up hating both you and Judaism for turning them into freaks in the eyes of their friends. Either way, as a parent, you lose.

What to do, Tzvi? Is the answer to use your brain and create a reasonable compromise? Or at least a thoughtful and well-articulated explanation to your children?

Move to Israel.

Ah well, I tried.

The only place you will see a pumpkin here is in the supermarket (a small yellow one that looks more like a squash).

Ah, but is it shmita?

If you truly love your children and don’t want them growing up with pumpkin heads, then the only solution is to bring them to Israel where they will grow up like Jews without hating both you and the Torah.

Because, of course, no Israelis have any hostility towards Orthodox Judaism. Silly me.

To illustrate, today my nine-year old son went on a class trip to Hevron in honor of this Shabbat’s Torah portion, “Chaya Sarah,” which recounts how our forefather, Avraham, purchased the Cave of the Machplah and the surrounding field for a burial site for his family. Since Hevron is the City of our Forefathers, fathers were invited to come along. So while Jewish kids in the Diaspora were trying on their Goblin and Spiderman Halloween costumes, my son was treated to an educational tour of Hevron, the world’s oldest Jewish city.

I dressed up three years in a row as a Hasidic Jew (and one year as an Amish in the same costume with the mustache tucked down). Don't I at least get half a point?

Who is more likely to grow up with a Jewish head – the Jewish kids in the Diaspora who go “trick or treating” with the goyim, or the Israeli kids who spend the day learning about their Jewish forefathers and praying in the Cave of the Patriarchs?

This is sort of like saying, "you went to the Museum of Natural History today, I went to a hockey game, which of us will be the Nobel Prize winner." Of course, nothing precludes you from doing both, and a single activity is far from conclusive as to an indicator of a future worldview or lifestyle. Why should Halloween be considered any more of a lasting mark on a child than Purim?

Sorry, I forgot. Tzvi doesn't need details like that to confuse him. He's too busy guarding the brit and blaming fires on God. Sorry, Jews.

What will the future hold for Tzvi? We'll have to wait and see. Somehow, I don't think he's done yet.