Here Tzvi regales readers with "the secret of Yom Kippur." First he talks about the Hatam Sofer, famous Ashkenazic rabbi, having pains in his genitals. Rather than visit a doctor, the Hatam Sofer instead deduces that it must be divine punishment for some sort of sin. But wait, the Hatam Sofer knew better than to abuse himself! So what could his sin have been? Apparently, God was punishing him for not talking enough about "Guarding the Covenant," which, as it conveniently happens, is Tzvi's super-duper-pet issue. Great story, really heart-warming. Nothing makes me more eager to commune with the divine than hearing about one of the most respected rabbis of the ages getting God-herpes for not warning little kids against playing with themselves. Tzvi makes things even better by adding this gem: " Studying the teachings of Rabbi Nachman, one realizes that everything on Yom Kippur has to do with Tikun HaBrit."
Sort of like how studying pot makes one realize that everything on Yom Kippur has to do with playing Sergeant Pepper's backward?
More on the secret of the brit (there always is with Tzvi). I couldn't understand it all, but for some reason he includes a very attractive picture of a mule. Oh, and he concludes with this:
"our forefather, Avraham, who never gazed upon his wife in a lustful fashion"
Hey, maybe that's the real reason Sarah didn't conceive until 90!
Here Tzvi rants about how Diaspora Jews aren't, well, good Jews:
Those bastards! How dare they cave in to PC geography!The reason that the aliyah rate from North America is a dismal .006 percent is because the Jewish education there fosters the strengthening of Judaism in America and Canada. In a past blog, I already gave two clear examples of this, which I will repeat here.
Once, when visiting my parents in Florida before they moved to Israel, I noticed a flyer on the bulletin board of the local Orthodox shul. Its headline invited the congregation to come on a trip with the rabbi to “our nation’s capital.” The photograph on the flyer was the Capitol Building in Washington D.C., and not Jerusalem. Since when, I wondered, had Washington become the capital of the Jewish People?
On another occasion, I had to be in Toronto to raise funds for a yeshiva. While I was waiting to speak in one of the large Orthodox synagogues, I glanced at the weekly Jewish journal. On the front page was a photo of the Toronto landmark skyscraper that looks like a needle. The caption read: “Looking Forward to the Next Decade of Jewish Life in Toronto.”
I was startled. After all, a Jew is supposed to yearn for the next decade of Jewish life in Jerusalem. This is what we pray for three times a day. And, “Next Year in Jerusalem” is what we all say at the conclusion of the Passover Seder and our Yom Kippur prayers. Are we supposed to mean it, or are we just mouthing the words?
If you haven't guessed, Tzvi tends to be easily startled.
Don't worry, there's more:
First, we thank G-d for the Land of Israel because a Jew is supposed to be living in the Land of Israel, and not in France or Canada. The sad fact that there are Jews living outside of the Land is in punishment for the sins of our past. When we were cast into exile a long time ago, our Rabbis decreed that we should continue to practice the mitzvot, even though G-d gave them to us to observe in Eretz Yisrael. This was in order to make sure that we wouldn’t forget how to do them during our long absence from our Land...
Hmm. Seems a little counterintuitive to me. Wouldn't God casting us into exile suggest he not want us to fulfill the mitzvot? Maybe he was trying to send us all a message? Maybe he was allergic to the sacrifice smoke? Or techelet? How do we know all this mitzvot observance today isn't just getting him continually more annoyed?
Here Tzvi says we should abolish the term "Jew" and instead conceive of that particular people as Israelis of various degrees:
Some of us are Israelis who have been blessed to live in Israel, and others are Israelis who live under the curse of the exile in foreign lands, but they are Israelis too. Call them Israelis in captivity, or Israelis in exile, or Outcasts of Israel. Why call them Jews? This is misleading. It is a formula for the schizophrenic thinking that so characterizes Diaspora Israelis, who think that they are American Jews, or French Jews, or Australian Jews, when in fact they are the Children of Israel. Their nationality isn’t American or French. Their nationality of Israeli. They are Israelis who live in the captivity of America, or Israelis who live in the exile of France. If you educate a child to understand that he is an Israeli living in the exile of a foreign land, then when he grows up there is an excellent chance that he will opt to come home to Israel. But if you tell him that he is an American Jew then you are dooming him to a life in the exile of America.
To be fair, Tzvi's right. Unfortunately, I also happen to think he's a little nuts. Captivity? Are you shitting me? Whoever heard of voluntary captivity? For better or worse, Hillel Kook was right when he said "The exile ended on May 14, 1948"- the Jews of the world chose. As painful as it may be to accept that a great many Jews have no interest in being Israeli, surely the better option is to face reality rather than try to abolish the word "Jew." Also, Outcasts of Israel makes me think more of Israeli expats than Jews that have never even been to visit. Incidentally, Outcasts of Israel could easily be the name of the next Jewish rap group.
Here Tzvi gets melodramatic that everybody keeps calling him on his horseshit and threatens/jokes to quit writing.
How can I exhort you to change your old, routine t’shuva tapes, and come clean before G-d, when I myself continue on with the same old polluted tune?
First of all, my arrogance. It screams out to Heaven. The Big Blogger! As if I have something to say! What a joke! What a laugh! Yes, I could tell you how to write a screenplay, but to pretend to know something about Torah, or about the complexities of Am Yisrael – what a fake! True, I have tried to quote real Sages, so that readers may benefit from their words, but on many occasions I wrote as if I were the expert on this subject or that, when it is all a big bluff. I know nothing! Yet I pretend to be the voice box of the nation. The Almighty hates arrogance and pride. So how can I continue?
And what about all of those nasty punches I dealt to Diaspora Jews? Doesn’t G-d love them too? Is this OK? Can I pass this over as if it is OK to blast away at a Jew just because he or she lives in the stinking cesspool of the exile? Several readers commented on this lack of Ahavat Yisrael. Would Rabbi Kook write in this fashion? With satirical illustrations to boot? Certainly not!
And yes, I confess, my eyeballs have been gooooooooogled and yahoooooed out of my mind. Filters, shmilters. You search for a photo of the universe to explain the phenomenon of t’shuva, and the first image that appears on the screen is a picture of Miss Universe lying naked on a beach! TILT! TILT! TILT! TILT! GAME OVER!
I’ve had it. I quit. I’m getting a job in a yeshiva, working in the kitchen. Like some have suggested, I am going back to my cave. Maybe when I emerge, I will be a humbler, kinder, holier person.
Frankly, the best part of this piece is the picture of Tzvi hanging out like Baloo the bear (ironically, the search filters Tzvi so strenuously argues for might have prevented me from finding that image, under the theory that I was actually looking for gay porn). Stupid telepathic search filters.
Tzvi, miraculously returned from his one-day quitting sabbatical, nevertheless continues to plug ahead. Here he is complaining that not living in Israel means one can never be truly frum- dooming even the most religious Jews to the not-very-complimentary designation of "Conservadox," or even worse, pickers and choosers!
For instance, a Jew who becomes a baal t’shuva in Chicago has only returned a part of the way home. While his personal character and behavior have been sanctified by aligning his life on the pathway of Torah, he has traveled only half of the journey home. The “t’shuva train” is continuing on to Israel. The final stop is Jerusalem. Every Jew needs to bring his little light home to the Holy Land where it can join the great flame.
Chuckle.
He has to uplift his private, egotistical life, to the higher life of Clal Yisrael, and to merge his personal goals with the goals of the rebuilding of the nation.
Tzvi must not read the news. Chief Rabbinate?
Rabbi Tzvi Yehuda HaCohen Kook would stress to his students that an Orthodox Jew does not pick and choice mitzvahs, saying “This commandment is pleasing to me, I will do it, but this commandment is too difficult, I will pass.” This is the way of Conservative Jewry. If Shabbat is too much of a burden, they don’t observe it. If wearing tzitzit is too embarrassing, or uncomfortable, or old-fashion, then it isn’t for them..."
Sucks to be you, Satmars.
There's more. Tzvi's come up with another reason all Jews need to make aliyah. And it involves aliens. Well, not aliens, per se. More like, "evil prayer-intercepting angels." Tzvi calls them "celestial ministers." I don't know about you, but that makes me think of Heaven's Gate.
Hashem has appointed celestial ministers to rule over the countries of the world. As the Ramban explains, outside of the Land, the prayers of a Jew and the Torah he learns are carried up to the celestial minister who rules over that land, and not straight to Hashem. This gives strength to the angel, and thus to the foreign land and culture which the angel personifies. In this sense, serving Hashem outside of the Land is like serving other gods, ie, serving the angels who preside over the lands of the gentiles. Only in the Land of Israel can a Jew serve Hashem directly without having to contend with any intermediary powers (Ramban on the Torah, Achrei Mot, 18:25).I have to admit, I did not see this one coming. Question, though. Doesn't this mean that it's bad to pray while in exile? And that essentially, the reason that so many bad governments have stayed in power so long is because Orthodox Jews kept praying to God? Just think about it: Russia, the Ottomans, etc. The secular Jews were really doing the right thing!
This is the reason that Avraham Avinu wanted to come to Israel, so that he could worship Hashem directly without intervening celestial messengers. Because we are the children of Avraham Avinu, we have inherited his genes and his spiitual strengths. As the Ramban explains, the deeds of our holy forefathers are signs for us to follow. Just as Avraham went forth to the Land of Israel, trusting in G-d, we all can too.
Oh, and what about when Israel was occupied? Did the Romans get the prayer-power? Or did it not count because it was legally Jewish? And how are we counting the boundaries? Is this a Greater Israel thing or not? What about, say, the Sinai? Should the settlers there have prayed or not?
Come on Tzvi, we need ANSWERS!
In case some of you still weren't sure, here Tzvi writes about how generally nuts he is. I think this probably qualifies as another "your wife must be so happy to be married to you" moments:
During my first year as a baal t’shuva returning to the Torah, when the holiday of Succot came alone, I erected four poles on the roof of the eight-story apartment building where I was living in Manhattan. Not having learned the laws of the festival, I stretched a blanket over the poles as a succah roof and slept outside in the wind and rain throughout the holiday. Though my makeshift succah was invalid and not a succah at all, I am sure that G-d was pleased with the well-meaning weirdo on that lonely New York City roof.
The next year I was invited to spend the first Yom Tov of Succah at the home of a shaliach from Israel who was working on an aliyah project in New York. When it started to rain at the beginning of the meal, he ordered his family to abandon the succah and move everything into the house. I refused, saying that I was staying in the succah since Rabbi Nachman taught that the mitzvah of succah is a segulah (special blessing) for coming to Eretz Yisrael. My host argued that the halachah stated that a person could leave his succah because of the discomfort and health hazard of rain, but I stubbornly stayed in the succah all night. Five minutes after the Yom Tov ended, the telephone rang. It was a co-worker of the shaliach from Israel. He said that they needed me to accompany a TV film crew that was flying to Israel in two days and that there was an El Al ticket for me waiting at JFK. “You see,” I told the startled shaliach. “Rabbi Nachman was right!”
Oy. God knows what mitzvah Tzvi will discover next. I'm guessing it involves fire-ants.
Like idiot theodicy? Here Tzvi recycles two-year-old narishkeit about God swamping Katrina because of gays. Only one problem: the French Quarter SURVIVED the hurricane. Details, details.
And having gotten onto the topic of natural disasters, Tzvi decides to go all out.
Hashem has many messengers. The Almighty can use anti-Semitism and persecution to shatter the dream of galut, or He can use fires, earthquakes, or floods to drive Diaspora Jews back home to Israel. The destruction that the conflagrations have left in their wake, and the staggering number of homeless, make the evacuation of Gush Katif seem like peanuts. And the fires are still raging. Brothers and sisters, we have been saying it all along. Life is much more dangerous in America and France than it is in Israel. Wake up already! Get the message, boys and girls. Read the writing on the wall before it is too late. Your bastions, and country club memberships, and Jewish Federations won't help you. Not in California, nor Monsey, nor Long Island, nor even in Boca Raton. Don't make the mistake by pretending that this ongoing inferno is just a freak outburst of nature.
Everything that happens in the world is from G-d, and it's all for the sake of the Jews. So take some good advice and sell your houses now before there is nothing left of them but smoke. Come home to Israel while you can, before you are shipped here in a coffin.
Save them from what? God being an asshole? Am I missing something? Are there no fires in Israel? (Is that related to the water shortage?) Also, the idea that God is so hell-bent on getting Jews to Israel that he will KILL THEM to make them leave is so demented I'm really close to speechless.
Tzvi's next column deals with the residual consequences of making a boneheaded statement like, "God is punishing you with fires to make Jews go to Israel." What about non-Jews, Tzvi? Ah, but that's easy- California is full of sin!
Is it coincidental that this week’s Torah portion tells the story of Sodom and Gemorah? Once upon a time, I lived in Southern California, and that’s exactly what it is. It is a land of narcissism, perverted sex, and greed. The iron gates, electric fences, and prowling guard dogs surrounded everybody’s mansion send out the clear message to strangers – “KEEP OUT!” Just like in residents of Sodom.
...Just last week, California’s governor, the son of a Nazi, signed a new law making restrooms in schools co-ed.
Tzvi, you really are a boob. CO-ED BATHROOMS were so offensive to the Almighty that he killed fourteen people? Also, again there's the problem of nature not really giving a crap about how sinful you are. Most of the people evacuated or who lost homes were not eeevil Hollywood moguls or sex-filled celebrities. They were regular families whose only sin was daring to live in the same state as these supposed evil-doers. How stupid are you?
Quite stupid, apparently, because he keeps going. Fishman's third article on the fires goes after Chabad and other Jewish CHARITIES for wasting their time trying to help Jews in need, rather than schlepping them off to Israel.
Jews of California – the people of Israel are with you in your sorrow. But as you contemplate the task of rebuilding, why waste your time rebuilding your lives in exile. Your tragedy will only happen again. Whether by fire, or earthquake, or persecution, or assimilation, the future of Diaspora Jewry is doomed. What point is there in rebuilding your houses and shuls in galut when you can build new homes and Chabad houses in Israel?
...Nowhere is South California, or Toronto, or Antwerpen mentioned in the Torah. Hashem told Avraham to go to Israel...Brothers and sisters, don’t be like the Jews who wanted to remain in Egypt, slaves to a foreign culture, dreaming to be accepted by idol worshippers and engage in their pagan perversions. Remember what happened to them. They died in the plague of darkness, the darkness of swimming pools, and Volvos, and Jewish Federations.
Brothers and sisters, Judaism is more than gefilta fish and getting drunk at the weekly sumptuous Sabbath Kiddush, and going to the latest movie on Saturday night. Judaism is building a holy nation in the Land that G-d bestowed to the Jews. The choice is before you. You can rebuild your private houses and reconstruct your private swimming pools and private home Jacuzzis and gyms, or you can dedicate your lives to helping to rebuild the Jewish Nation in the Jewish Land...Hashem tests us through dangers. He tests our faith in Him and our love for Him through the dangers we have to overcome, and through the sacrifices we have to make on His behalf. This is how he builds us into being His people. He doesn’t want one-day-a-week Jews, lovers of California six days a week, and lovers of Hashem on Shabbat. He wants us to love Him completely, with all of our hearts, with all of our souls, with all of our might, even more than we love our mansions, and swimming pools, and Cadillacs and shiksas. It isn’t enough to say, “In G-d we trust,” by stockpiling dollars in the bank and buying some Israel bonds. G-d wants us to trust in Him more than we trust in the dollar.
So to all of the homeless... and Chabad rabbis, wherever you may be, when you gaze at the ruins of your exile dreams, be happy. The exile isn’t supposed to last forever. Step out of the darkness and see the light. Your future and the future of all the Jewish People is here, in Israel, just like in the days of our forefathers.
Wow, Tzvi, your timing on this is really... wow. Living in America equals being a Gefilte fish, one-day-a-week Jew, and people should DANCE on the rubble of their homes. It's funny Tzvi mentions lost causes, because everybody with eyes to see seems to recognize that the settlers aren't going to be able to hang on to every last grain of sand in Israel. Yet somehow Jews are crazy for wanting to rebuild in SoCal? At least no one's shooting rockets at them. At least all the governments of the world aren't constantly pressuring them to leave. Something tells me that there will be a new Chabad house in San Diego before there's one in Gaza.
Speaking of which, I don't recall GAZA being mentioned all that often in the Torah (certainly not in comparison to, say, Jerusalem or Hebron). Would you give the same advice to those homeless Jews, Tzvi?
Lastly, we conclude with Mr. Fishman's latest masterpiece, why Jews shouldn't celebrate Halloween. Halloween is apparently extra bad because it comes from so many different goyish cultures- Christians and Celtic pagans and Roman pagans, oh my!
Jewish Law states: “A Jew should not follow the customs of the gentiles, nor imitate them in dress, or in their way of trimming their hair, as it says, ‘You shall not walk in the customs of the nation which I cast out before you’ (Lev. 20:23), and ‘Neither shall you walk in their statutes’ (Lev. 18:3). These verses all refer to one and the same matter of not imitating them. A Jew, on the contrary, should be distinguished from them and recognizable by the way he dresses, and in his other activities, just as he is distinguished from them in his knowledge and his beliefs, as it is said, ‘I have set you apart from the peoples’ (Lev. 20:26).” (See, Rambam, Laws Regarding Idol Worship and the Ordinances of the Gentiles, 11:1).
And of course, since nobody else on the planet wears skullcaps or grows beards, Tzvi is safe on this account. Hey, if you really want to stand out, why not implant a giant billboard that says, "JEW" in neon? I'm willing to bet my streimel that nobody else has thought of that before?
When it comes to the question whether Jews can take part in gentile holidays, the halachic discussion differs between clearly religious holidays like Xmas, which are forbidden, and purely secular holidays like Labor Day, which are permissible. Halloween’s religious origins and pagan history place it in the category of gentile holidays that are forbidden to celebrate. Though Halloween in America has been secularized and commercialized to the point where it is now a frivolous time of costumes, candy, and pranks, it is still celebrated in places like Scotland and Ireland as a Celtic festival of the spirits, and in other places as a holiday honoring the Christian saints. Therefore “Trick or Treating” is a no-no for Jewish children.
The law prohibiting our participation in gentile holidays and customs comes to protect our special Jewish holiness and cultural distinction. If you allow your kids to participate in the pagan rites of a gentile culture, they will grow up with pumpkin heads instead of Jewish heads.
But what if he grows a beard? Can't he split the difference?
On the other hand, if you try to safeguard our distinction as Jews and not let your children go “Trick or Treating” with all the other kids in the neighborhood , they will grow up hating both you and Judaism for turning them into freaks in the eyes of their friends. Either way, as a parent, you lose.
What to do, Tzvi? Is the answer to use your brain and create a reasonable compromise? Or at least a thoughtful and well-articulated explanation to your children?
Move to Israel.
Ah well, I tried.
The only place you will see a pumpkin here is in the supermarket (a small yellow one that looks more like a squash).
Ah, but is it shmita?
If you truly love your children and don’t want them growing up with pumpkin heads, then the only solution is to bring them to Israel where they will grow up like Jews without hating both you and the Torah.
Because, of course, no Israelis have any hostility towards Orthodox Judaism. Silly me.
To illustrate, today my nine-year old son went on a class trip to Hevron in honor of this Shabbat’s Torah portion, “Chaya Sarah,” which recounts how our forefather, Avraham, purchased the Cave of the Machplah and the surrounding field for a burial site for his family. Since Hevron is the City of our Forefathers, fathers were invited to come along. So while Jewish kids in the Diaspora were trying on their Goblin and Spiderman Halloween costumes, my son was treated to an educational tour of Hevron, the world’s oldest Jewish city.I dressed up three years in a row as a Hasidic Jew (and one year as an Amish in the same costume with the mustache tucked down). Don't I at least get half a point?
Who is more likely to grow up with a Jewish head – the Jewish kids in the Diaspora who go “trick or treating” with the goyim, or the Israeli kids who spend the day learning about their Jewish forefathers and praying in the Cave of the Patriarchs?This is sort of like saying, "you went to the Museum of Natural History today, I went to a hockey game, which of us will be the Nobel Prize winner." Of course, nothing precludes you from doing both, and a single activity is far from conclusive as to an indicator of a future worldview or lifestyle. Why should Halloween be considered any more of a lasting mark on a child than Purim?
Sorry, I forgot. Tzvi doesn't need details like that to confuse him. He's too busy guarding the brit and blaming fires on God. Sorry, Jews.
What will the future hold for Tzvi? We'll have to wait and see. Somehow, I don't think he's done yet.
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