Saturday, November 03, 2007

Christians can do a lot better

I know these guys don't represent the world's Christians. But Jesus Christ, people.

Pat Robertson officially has a screw loose. Actually, make that several screws. Maybe a dump trump truck full.

Pat Robertson, host of 700 Club, has recently called for a federal law banning same sex couples from adopting pets. This is a comment on Ellen Degeneres' public outburst pertaining to her incorrect "re-gifting" of her adopted dog, Iggy, to her hairdresser...

"It is God's will for dogs to grow up in a loving home with a Dad and a Mom and I strongly praise Mutts & Moms for removing Iggy from a harmful lesbian environment," Robertson said on his show. He explained the Bible says pets need a mother and a father and Degeneres and girlfriend, Portia De Rossi, cannot provide that dynamic. "Where was the male role model in Iggy's life?" Robertson said.

This is how dead serious Robertson is: if the future president does not pass this law, he is going to initiate ballot measures in all the states to override the President's choice. This is what I look forward to next year - a gay pets adoption right?

According to Robertson, all animals, not just dogs, must be kept safe from the hell-ridden households of gay/lesbian couples.

"The plain fact is that same sex couples should not be allowed to raise dogs, fish, birds, hamsters, ferrets, lizards, or any other animal."

However, cats are the exception from the rule because "only liberals and pagans would ever want to raise those spawn of Beelzebub."

...I just hope nobody joins his pet salvation crusade.

Shoot me. Better yet, shoot him. And several gay pets, apparently. Incidentally, did somebody mention a gay pet crusade? Because I'm pretty sure I predicted this, like, forever ago (2005):

"Queer Crusade" declared

In a history-making moment last week, Christian Conservatives declared the beginning of a "new Crusade," dedicated to "wiping sodomites from the earth." Of course, the crusade is not referring to gay people, since that would be morally repugnant, and "rather un-Christian." Instead, they have decided to channel their burning hatred towards a more productive (and legal) pursuit; vowing to "crush, shoot, crucify, burn, and otherwise mutilate" gay animals.

Conservative radio personality Jackson Whittaker first advanced the idea last year, following San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom's decision to grant same-sex marriages.

"It was then that I realized that we've just been getting our butts kicked in the whole gay rights debate," Whittaker said on the air.

"And the first place we lost ground was on the 'it's not natural' bullet-point. Because once those damn science geeks started finding queer monkeys, we had to retreat. But no more."

Following Whittaker's suggestion, gay-rights opponents have banded together to hunt down anything known to get it on with the same sex. The first incident began on Tuesday, when a hunting party shot eighty-five Bonobo monkeys to death in the Columbus Zoo in Powell, Ohio.

"Those damn monkeys had it coming," said veteran hunter Chet Williams. "It was a long and protracted fight; Frank even got some crap thrown in his eyes. But we got every last one of those sinful little fucks. Praise the Lord!"

Since then, no gay or bisexual animals have been safe. Penguins, apes, mountain gorillas, bighorn rams, geese, dolphins, swans, and killer whales are just a few species on the massive hit list.

As the zealous "Queer Beast Crusade" grows in numbers, animals that are even suspected of same-sex activity are becoming in danger of violent retribution.

When housewife Joanne Dickinson first took up the cause, she reports that she had trouble finding any gay animals to kill.

"Everyone had hit the zoo first, and then the park," she said. "I joined up late and didn't really know what to do. I was sure there was some sinning wildlife existing right under my nose, but I just couldn't find it."

Then, she remembered how her French Poodle, Fifi, had always seemed a little "different."

"What kind of a name is Fifi, anyway?" she railed. "And that haircut? Especially when we dyed him pink for holidays- there was no doubt about it. That was one flaming dog."

Dickinson's suspicions were confirmed after introducing Fifi to the neighbor's dog, Walter.

"The first thing Fifi did was go and lick that dog's nuts. Talk about gay!"

Dickinson proceeded to push her dog into speeding traffic.

"It was hard to do, no doubt about it- and I have no idea what I'm going to tell the kids," she said.

"But it was God's will. More importantly, it was Mr. Whittaker's will. With those manly arms, that burly torso and those pearly white teeth� Just thinking about him makes me want to violate the holy sacrament of marriage. God, listen to me! I sound just like a homo!"

To make matters even worse, after Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation (GLAAD) representatives tried to have a solemn and dignified funeral for Fifi, who they say was a victim of a hate crime, Pastor Fred Phelps and the entire Westboro Baptist Church arrived in protest.

The group were carrying signs saying Fifi was "definitely burning in Hell," along with three of the five Lassies, and the actor who portrayed Rin-Tin-Tin. The 51-member church then retired to a nearby Chuck-E-Cheese, where they proceeded to enjoy skee-ball and pizza, after dropping half of themselves off at the Kiddie Ball pit.

None of this bodes well for the newly-discovered "gayest bird ever," the Queer-tailed Asspounder. On Friday, Berkeley Zoologist Lucy Foster gave a brief press conference concerning the Asspounder and its welfare.

"Not surprisingly, this species has an incredibly small population, and due to its flamboyant coloring and conspicuous mating call, is also ridiculously easy to track," Foster said.

Following the conclusion of the press conference, Foster proceeded to seal herself inside a concrete bunker with five of the imperiled birds, declaring that they had enough food to last for years. While the city of Berkeley has declared itself to be in solidarity with Dr. Foster, the Crusaders have already begun massing a large force outside the city and are allegedly investigating ways of blowing the bunker up.

Whittaker has enjoyed a massive ratings boost since the Crusade was first declared, and in an interview yesterday, laughed off criticism by gay and animal rights groups.

"Of course they're mad- because we've finally found a winning strategy," he said. "After all, you can't refer to 'facts' if the facts aren't there, right? All we have to do is get rid of the evidence; just like the Holocaust. After that, it'll just be their word against ours."

Hutton Gibson was not available for comment.

Also Ann Coulter would do well to keep her mouth shut, for a change. Watch as I hold my breath and die a horrible death by hypoxia, which is still amazingly less painful than reading her column.

...To hide the dirty little secret of the left's burgeoning anti-Semitism, liberals act as if they live in abject terror of right-wingers. When it comes to conservatives, the Anti-Defamation League is the Pro-Defamation League.

For decades, most Jews supported the left, and the left supported Jewish causes. But the left moved on long ago. For liberals, Jews are just so "last Holocaust."

The ADL gently chided Columbia University for making the "mistake" of inviting a genocidal, Holocaust-denying Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad to speak. It tepidly criticized Ahmadinejad's speech for being "a charade of half-answers and obfuscation." That sounds like a fair description of Hillary's current stump speech.

The ADL and its ilk reserve their real venom for a beast like Dennis Prager – a leading Jewish intellectual, author and radio talk-show host. Last year, Prager made the manifestly obvious point that the first Muslim congressman, Keith Ellison, should take his oath of office not on a Quran, but on a Bible, in recognition of "the value system (that) underlies American civilization."

According to the ADL, Prager's column was not a trifling "mistake" on the order of allowing an American audience at one of America's premier universities to give a standing ovation to a murderous, racist lunatic. Prager was "intolerant, misinformed and downright un-American." I think I'd take "obfuscation."

The relevant organs of pious liberal society were promptly rounded up to censure Prager, including the American Jewish Committee and two members of the U.S. Holocaust Memorial Council, Rep. Henry Waxman and former New York Mayor Ed Koch – who called Prager a "bigot." Do they have Ellison on the record acknowledging whether the Holocaust happened?

Do they have Prager on the record acknowledging that he is a xenophobic jackass?

The executive committee of the Holocaust Museum called Prager's column antithetical to "tolerance and respect for all peoples regardless of their race, religion or ethnicity."

But you'll see that famed liberal "tolerance" dry up pretty fast if you render a simple statement of the beliefs of Christians.

The usual liberal coterie acts shocked and offended by Christians who actually believe Christianity is true – unlike Democratic politicians – to conceal the fact that the left is increasingly dominated by people conniving in the destruction of Israel.

How about having Tim Russert ask Hillary if she believes the New Testament is the perfection of the Old Testament? She claims to be a Christian. Let's get it on the table: Is she or isn't she? It doesn't get any more bare-bones than that.

Let the cat out of the bag that a 2,000-year-old religion practiced by a majority of Americans teaches that Jesus came in "fulfillment of the scriptures," and you might be better off if you had adopted the preferred approach of liberals' new friends the Muslims and simply slit the Jew's throat.

At least the ADL wouldn't object.

Coulter would have more of a point here if she wasn't attempting to cover her own absolutely unrepentant butt. And while she claims that the ADL is super-pinko, I think that'd be news to various left-wing Jewish organizations marginalized by the ADL because they don't see eye to eye on every issue, not the least of them relating to Israel. I suppose you can make the argument that the ADL is playing soft-ball with Islamic and other real threats to Jews, preferring instead to go after domestic (and less threatening) targets, but you can't deny that some of their opponents are also to the left of them. For an example of a lefty-ish Jew who's got more than a few bones to pick with the ADL, see Joey Kurtzman.

Frankly, the biggest problem I have with the ADL is the perception that Foxman is so dogmatic that anyone who disagrees with him is a hater and extremist. His politics don't bother me as much as his attitude. I do think it is unfortunate that there isn't a greater separation between the "go after neo-Nazis" ADL and the "gun nuts and religion in the public square people freak us out" ADL, as I think this makes the organization seem a lot more partisan than is good for it.

I guess what I'm saying is even though I probably agree with the ADL on a lot of issues, their style turns me off to such a degree that I'd never say they represent me.

Which is probably how most Christians feel about Pat Robertson and Ann Coulter.

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