Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Kabbalah plus Geology equals Hillarity

Tzvi Fishman has important news. Previous updates included letting us know that being in the Diaspora is like living in a "sci-fi prison" (or cross-dressing), and Tzvi's hilarious Purim shpiel blog post that (intentionally?) included a pretty vile bit of racism:

At a rally Friday afternoon outside the Jerusalem police station, one of his longtime fans, Moses Black from Dimona, said that even if Fleshman is convicted, he is going to continue reading his blogs from prison. “Tzvi is my man,” the half-illiterate, Brown Hebrew told us. “Dat website, ‘jeweeeshsexualiteee’ saved my life. I wasn’t makin’ any mony, and all of my kids were messed up in all kinds of sh**t, and then I read what Tzvi was teechin’ about bein’ holy with one’s wife, and not lookin’ at pooorn, and all da peeces of da puzzle felled into place. I got my act together and I’m livin’ on eezy street now, thanks to Tzvi.”

Hmm. A guy named Moses Black living in Dimona, home of the "Black Hebrews," speaking like Amos-n-Andy. It's like a minstrel show on my monitor. I don't know if Tzvi thought this was funny or what, but it's pretty sick even if done in the name of humor.

Anyway, the real topic of the day is the weather. Specifically, how being anti-Israel (as defined by Tzvi of course) leads to the very oceans turning against you. Yeah, I bet you didn't know Poseidon vacationed in Gush Katif, did you? Now he's pissed.

Lay it on us, Tzvi.

If I had to predict, I’d guess that California will be the first state to disappear. Unless the King of the World decides to first bring a colossal tidal wave straight up Chesapeake Bay and obiterate WDC right off the bat.

Wow, going right for the jugular, eh? Ok, so my state is underwater. Good to know.

As we mentioned on several occasions, Hashem orchestrates the universe via spiritual agencies called “sefirot.” The operational arm in this world is known as “Malchut,” which means kingship. Earthquakes, tsunamis, economic crises, plagues, wars, and massive brain strokes, all fall under the jurisdiction of “Malchut.” When Hashem decides to punish mankind for its misdoings, the vehicle He employs is the spiritual agency of “Malchut.”

Um, no. Since when does Malchut have anything to do with tsunamis or strokes? I'd love to see the spot where the Zohar says that.

While “Malchut” manifests itself in the management of the world we live in, in all of its various forms, the geographical heart of “Malchut” in the world is the Land of Israel. And the center of this heart, and thus the center of all the world is Jerusalem, the city of "Malchut," where the Kingship of G-d is most clearly seen in the world.

Sigh. Ok, Tzvi. So the invisible, intangible elements of the universe manifest in physical form and just happen to concentrate in Jerusalem? Wow, how lucky that the center of Jewish focus happens to also be the center of the physical universe. Tzvi, you used to be a writer. Did you ever happen to hear of a little thing called subjectivity? How about perspective? This dopey argument reminds me of a a French teacher I had who once tried to use longitude lines on a globe to "prove" the world actually revolved around Paris. It also makes me think of the Chinese. The Chinese word for China means "Middle Kingdom" because the Chinese though their country was the center of the universe. (As a matter of fact, it seems to me that there are still quite a few Americans who still feel similarly.)

Therefore, when America exerts pressure on Israel to freeze building in Judea and Samaria, and even more so in Jerusalem, the inner heart of “Malchut” experiences this hostile affront as an act of strangulation. Because Hashem is long-suffering in His patience, He doesn’t allow “Malchut” to strike back in immediate revenge. Rather, He draws the springs of “Malchut” backward, little by little with each act of abuse, until the mechanism is coiled with enormous pressure, like an arrow pulled back in a bow, waiting for the archer to release the taut and vibrating string.

Wow, so Malchut is like an ethereal pressure-building machine, slowly waiting to kill us all? Thanks, God. Also, I like how Tzvi now has a bulletproof explanation to counter the rather obvious point that natural disasters/heart attacks/economic disasters often don't seem to follow any particularly egregious anti-Israel root cause. I suppose when G.H.W. Bush finally dies at the ripe old age of 102, Tzvi will be there to gloat that ol' 41 could have lived to 120 if he hadn't tried to pressure Shamir back in the 80s. (Who knows what that terrible Malchut has prepared for Clinton-- perhaps, say, some sort of massive heart trouble? Wow, he was always in such great shape. It must have been Divine intervention! You know, just like with that fitness freak Ariel Sharon.)

What we have to understand is that the Master of the World has set the Redemption of His Nation Israel into high gear with the resettlement of the Land of Israel in our time, the establishment of Medinat Yisrael, the rebuilding of Jerusalem, the ingathering of the exiles, and reemergence of Israel as a world power in a mere handful of years. All of this is to establish “Malchut” – the Kingship of G-d over the world.

Um, Tzvi, no offense, but at this point Malchut doesn't sound like the Kingship of God (or at least not any God I want to meet)-- the way you're carrying on it's sounding more like some sort of evil demon space monster. Like this guy. Or these.

This enormous history spanning, world-shaking Divine Redemption is like a powerful locomotive speeding forward at an incredible velocity. The locomotive won’t be stopped. Anything which tries to stand in its way will be demolished and smashed.

Uh... Hallelujah? Mommy?

Believe me my friends, 9/11, the flood in New Orleans, and the latest stock market crash are merely gentle warnings. The real blow is on the way.

Wow, Tzvi, you really know how to spread that Love of Hashem around. Good thing you're on a blog and not in a mitzvah tank. If Nachman were here I think he'd give you a whack. (To say nothing of what Moshe de Leon or Isaac Luria would do...)

So Californians, and residents of WDC, my advice to you is to move somewhere else. As far away from America as you can. Far away from Europe, and from Russia, and from Korea, and Iran and Libya, and just about everywhere else in the world. In fact, ironic as it may sound, pretty soon, the only safe place in the world will be in Israel.

Hmm... go to Israel and be safe... but be surrounded by Tzvi Fishmans...

Screw it, I'll split the difference. Mongolia here I come.


Conservative Apikoris said...

Hmmm, how about this:

Researchers from Ben-Gurion University of the Negev are warning residents of Israel to prepare for a major earthquake that could damage one out of every six buildings in Jerusalem that date to the nation's founding.

So let's say that Israel holds firm against the nasty Americans and Eurotrash, etc., and keep building stuff in the occupied territories. And then this destructive earthquake comes.

Wouln't Mr. Fishman have to admit that Hashem is trying to tell something to Israel and the right-wing Jews.

Another interesting factoid, during the Holocaust, Polish Jews, most of whom were nominally Orthodox, were wiped out, but American Jews (as well as British, Canadian, Australian, etc.) who where mostly non-Orthodox and busy assimilating and throwing off the yoke of mitzvah observance, were pretty much untouched. Heck, even 75% of French Jews survived, despite the best efforts of the collaborators there.

I think Hashem is trying to tell us something :)

The back of the hill said...

Okay........ that little article and its dire warnings just proved, for the umpteenth time, that kabalists and many frummerthanthous are "alternatively realitied". But the key thing is the comment string underneath it, which just proved, for the umpteenth time, that people who leave comments underneath Arautz Sheva articles, are barking mad.

I think I'll stay in San Francisco. And encourage any Tzvi Fishman types to 'make aliyah'.