Monday, August 17, 2009

If you look out the window on your right, you can see... MORE JEWS!

Lazer Brody likes nothing better than bragging about how humble he is. Well, maybe one thing. Has he told you about the time he was made an honorary Cherokee? It was kind of a quid-pro-quo for him declaring that the Cherokee were "totally" a Lost Tribe of Israel.

I looked for a drop of information that connects the Indians of North America to the lost tribes of Israel, exiled and dispersed by Sannherib and the Assyrians in 772 BCE, and encountered a flood of evidence indicating that the Indians, particularly the Cherokees, are certainly one of the lost tribes of Israel - some say Dan, others say Zevulun.
Sitting_bull High cheek bones? Jewish nose? Braided and untouched payis? Fringes on his shirt? Was Sitting Bull really a descendant of Israel? Many say yes.

High cheekbones? I wish I had me some of those. Guess I must be a Khazar like grandma always said. Also, I thought "Jewish nose" was a no-no, unless you're working from odd medical texts from the 1850s which describe it as "a good money-getting nose." Incidentally, braided hair is not the same thing as peyot (ah, but notice the linguistic similarities between peyot and peyote, hmmm....)

Lazer so impressed his Cherokee counterparts with his fawning Jew-dentials that they were eager to start strutting their stuff and rubbing it in other Natives' faces.

although other Indians hate to admit, it has always been known that the Cherokee has been blessed with gifted minds; that is also a result of our tribal roots in ancient Israel

That's right, the Cherokee are much cooler than the other Indians because they're Jewish, so there. Take that, you goyish Apaches!

But things have become a little more complicated recently.

Is the mystery of Navajo roots connected to the Priestly Garments dating back to the time of Moses, Aaron, and Betzalel? Is Navajo weaving the "Ma'ase oreg" mentioned in the Torah? Could the Navajos be another lost tribe of Israel?
Oh God. Just strike me down right here.

Rabbi Wolf Brother!!! The Navajo is a tribe you would love. Their refusal to assimilate is astounding and continues to this day. There are many on the Navajo rez that still do not speak or read English.

Ah, so they're the Hasidim of Native Americans. Lovely.

It is believed by some spiritual leaders here that just before Moshiach, the Navajo will be raised up by HaShem and become the spiritual forerunners of America (maybe because of the least sin of any natives, and maybe because they too are Jews?).

Sure, why the hell not. Everybody into the pool, I mean, mikvah.

Lazer, not only are you ripping off weird Mormon theology as well as spreading bizarro pseudoscience as conceived by weird early Anglo-anthropologists, you're also starting to incite not-quite-healthy rivalries between tribes about who can out-Jew each other. When I hear that the Ojibwe are opening a Kabbalah Centre, I'll know who to blame.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Like, hey, my name is Dan and no one has ever stuck a feather in my cap.