Monday, August 17, 2009

Pat Boone needs an idea thesaurus

Apparently the gerbils running around on the habitrail in Pat Boone's brain are very distracted these days, because he can't for the life of him figure out which bizarrely inappropriate comparison is the best one to use to indicate that he really, really doesn't like Barack Obama and his various plans for turning America into a gay Socialist death camp, or something. Here are a few of the worst he's made over the past few months to show just how bad things are.

How this happened is the stuff of dreams, of fantasy. The huge Titanic had sailed before and was highly celebrated, but eventually fell into some disrepair and needed some serious overhauling. A consortium of extremely wealthy men decided to buy the ship, which they did with all cash. They laid plans to redo it completely, changing everything about it, and they looked about for a man to bring aboard as captain who would look and act like a movie version of a ship commander, but who most importantly would scrupulously do whatever they told him to do.

In effect, they wanted a handsome puppet, and they found him. What they hadn't counted on, however, was that once selected and put in authority, he wouldn't be so easy to control. His new power was intoxicating, and he began to use it according to his own whim.

Um, which cabal, exactly, are we to believe, is behind Obama? And are they the same as the wealth-hating undercover Socialists he supposedly is doing the bidding of? How could Saul Alinsky afford a giant boat?

The nation – its economy and political body – has been strapped down, blindfolded and hosed. A new administration, empowered by control of both houses of Congress and the most liberal president in history, is immersing us all in a torrent of debt. While we gasp for breath and try to cry "Time out!" we continue to be flooded with staggering commitments neither we nor our children have approved or will be able to fulfill.

...And now, while we're strapped down by the Democrat-controlled Congress, gasping and gulping beneath a flood of strong-arm tactics, the "health reform" bill taking shape outlines a "minimum-benefits package" that will be universal – that is, required of every American's insurance plan, whether provided by a private firm or by the government.

...But we're not helpless yet, folks. We're drenched and near-drowned and gasping for breath, but there's a growing coalition of staunch Republican and "blue dog" Democrats in both houses of Congress digging in their heels and saying, "Wait! This is all too much, too fast! We need time to read and digest and consider this torrent of legislation. Mr. President, hold off!"

I think Pat's brilliant imagery is working. Reading that column certainly made me feel like I was drowning. Or maybe I was just wishing I was.

According to the Bible account, Esau didn't even think it over. "Hey, I'm so hungry I could die, and then what good would my ‘birthright' be? You got yourself a deal, little brother. Pass me the stew." So in that moment of temporary need, he gave up his future and all his father intended him to have.

He ate a big meal, filled his belly, and went his way. He didn't realize till later what a complete fool he'd been – and he "cried with an exceedingly great and bitter cry." As the Bible says, "he despised his birthright."

Today, I see Barack Obama as Jacob – and 300 million Americans as Esau!

...He's hoping we'll sell him our birthright for a "quick fix." Let's do what Esau should have done. Tell friend Barack "Keep your stew, brother. We can cook up something a lot better than this. We'll keep our birthright, thank you."

Apparently no one ever told Pat that Jacob is the good guy in the story. Whoops. What is it with Christians not knowing which Old Testament characters are meant to be seen as positive?

Last and best:

Suppose you own a grocery store. You've worked hard to build a clientele, you sell good groceries, and you make a decent living.

You find that your employee, a nice looking and personable man, has been luring young girls into the back room, propositioning, fondling and actually having sex with at least one of them – during store hours, at that!

How long would it take you to fire him?

Now, after you boot that scoundrel out, you hire a manager to run things for you. He means well, he tries hard, but he makes a lot of unwise decisions. He spends a lot of money on things you can't afford, he gets into legal scrapes with competitors, he just generally fumbles and makes a mess of things. He "manages" your store into serious debt and runs some of your best customers away. You give some thought to firing him, but he graciously retires.

At this point, you've got to find the right guy. And you think you've found him – a young, energetic, smooth-talking man that seems to have "a way" with folks. Though he's never run a store of any kind before, he exudes confidence and assures you he's qualified, college degrees and all.

He convinces you he's analyzed your market and knows just how to increase your business, cut your overhead and attract new customers. He looks like a godsend! You hire him and settle back to watch him rebuild your dream.

But before you really grasp what's happening, you find he's agreed to pay your suppliers more than before; he's rearranged everything on your shelves and ordered huge amounts of exotic stuff you know won't sell. He's hired some illegal aliens to stock and clerk for you, extending health insurance and other perks to them, which you'll have to pay for. Before you can get your lawyer on the phone, you learn that he's taken out a huge mortgage on your building – which you have no possible way of supporting – and that he has engineered a "hostile takeover" by a Chinese import company looking for American assets.

A nightmare? You bet. Far-fetched? Not really. We Americans have lived through some scenarios like this in the last 16 years and 6 months.

Good moronic point, Pat. Yes, things are really so much simpler when you reduce the major complexities of running a whole country as being equivalent to dealing with pimply-faced kids who can't resist rubbing their butt cheeks on the deli display case. Same thing, really.

If Pat's latest column (Obama as Jerry Springer) is any indication, this ongoing trend of making any random comparison that pops into his head bears no sign of slowing down anytime soon. My prediction is that next week, it will involve a badly run food court. Or maybe a car dealership.

No comments: