More Burning Questions Revealed

In which we discover that some questions do, in fact have easy answers.

Case in point:

Are Bibles 'giants' set for return?

No.

New experiments in genetic engineering could open the doors for the return of fearsome "giants" described in the Bible – the offspring of human women and fallen angels – warns author Thomas Horn

Sorry, no they can't.

In the Book of Genesis, beings of great stature called "giants" appear, which some biblical scholars believe came into existence after powerful angels known as 'Watchers' descended to earth and used women (or their biological matter) to construct bodies of flesh, which they used to "extend" themselves into the material world.

Their biological matter? What the hell does that mean? Construct bodies of flesh? Now you make them sound like those weirdos from Men in Black.

Horn hypothesizes that, through genetic engineering, [the Watchers] created blended beings, not entirely human or animal – creatures that neither humans nor animal spirits would indwell, for they were neither man nor beast.

You mean werewolves?

"The results of this genetic modification were the giants known as Nephilim," he says.

Oh. Well, close enough.

"But imagine the staggering implications of such science if dead Nephilim tissue was discovered with intact DNA and a government or rogue agency somewhere was willing to clone or mingle the extracted organisms to make Homo-nephilim," says Horn. "If one accepts the biblical story of giants as real, such discovery could actually be made someday, or perhaps already has been and was covered up. The technology to resurrect the extinct species may already exist, and cloning methods are being studied now for use with bringing back Tasmanian Tigers, Wooly Mammoths and other extinct creatures."

Is the world on the verge of bringing back demonic giants?

Horn believes so.

And that's why he's a bozo. Next!

- Does Jonathan Falwell long for the good ol' days when Christians suffered torture for their faith? Signs point to yes:

I'm sure there are young people who think, I'd like to participate at my school's See You at the Pole meeting, but some kids in my classes will make fun of me.

So what! Seriously, there is no greater privilege than being hassled or made fun or because of your relationship with Jesus Christ. Plus, See You at the Pole is a great way to get to know other Christian kids and become united with them.

Yeah! Get yourselves all beaten up for Christ together! It'll be a bonding experience, just like it was for the Christians in Rome. You know what they say, "Those who get eaten alive by lions together... die together."

Also, I have to admit I'm slightly impressed that Jonnie can spend a whole article promoting a teen event called "See You at the Pole" with a straight face.

- Are Conservatives like Patrice Lewis grasping at straws to justify anti-environmentalism? Seemingly so:

It doesn't matter what it costs or how much effort it takes. The important thing is to save the planet.

What a bunch of self-centered jerks! Try to tell me to save the planet for future generations. I don't even like my kids! Now where did I put my plastic bag aerosol landfill-fire?

The DNC isn't alone. Everyone, it seems, is on the bandwagon to save the planet. So what's going on here? Why is it that in the last few years you can't even turn on the radio without hearing how, say, your local insurance company is going green? Why is it now so important for the survival of a business to illustrate its environmental friendliness?

I believe it's because, for the first time in a long time, businesses and politicians can appeal to a religious zealotry that isn't either illegal or politically incorrect. Many in our country are rejecting the religion of our founders and embracing a new creed (complete with its own high priests) with rabid and unrepentant fervor.

Wait, I can't keep up. I thought the new religion was early sex ed and gay-ins, I mean godless Communism, I mean amoral capitalism, or unbridled multiculturalism, or wishy-washy moral relativism, or violent video games, or... wait, what were we talking about?

If I were to place a newspaper ad that said, "House for rent, Christians only" – can you imagine the reaction? I'd be accused of discrimination faster than you can say "ACLU."

But if the ad said, "House for rent, environmentally aware tenants only" – well, then that's different.

Lady, people can discriminate on Craigslist all day long by only asking for pot smokers or cat lovers to apply to rent their broom closets. Get the hell over yourself.

Your local insurance agency would never advertise, "We're going more Christian!" But it can advertise, "We're going more green!" and be hit with a veritable deluge of grateful customers. In other words, it can appeal to the true believers of the new religious movement.

No one would say "we're going more patent-leather briefcase" or "going more dog food," either. Does that mean people are replacing their love of dog food with environmentalism? And, for the record, presumably a insurance agency that caters to Christians or Christian orgs COULD say that- as could a Jewish or whatever agency. But there's no specific reason to go Christian if your goal is to appeal to a wider audience, especially since the assumption is still that "Christian" is the baseline norm. It's a freaking given.

But the funny thing about the green movement is that it has no human-based moral philosophy tied to it. The Judeo-Christian theology, as well as most other established religions, emphasizes kindness and compassion to fellow humans. But the green movement is all about how we can protect/worship/guard the Earth … and people (except as useful idiots) be damned. Humans are ruining the planet anyway. The fewer of us, the better. Right?

A- Someone please show her the areas of Jewish law which talk about the earth as God's creation, kindness to animals, preserving the world for others, yada, yada.

B- How about some sources for this supposed disgust for humanity as the root of environmentalism?

Having nowhere else to turn, Patrice (sorry, that's Mrs. Lewis to bubs like me) goes for the most absurd of arguments, pointing to the obvious fringe of the greenies, those who actually worship the earth. Not surprisingly, Patrice doesn't bother to differentiate semi-serious neo-Pagans from "greenies" or "DNC delegates." Maybe all the fumes from her coal-powered microwave are getting to her.

- Last, Dennis is convinced that if Obama isn't elected liberals will be really mad, and will blame it on white racism. (Oh no, liberals will be mad! Who cares, the conservatives have all the guns. I thought we were inconsequential pansies.) Because if there's one thing we know about conservatives, it's that they're really, really good sports about the politics game, right? We've already heard that all the hammering of Palin is due to Democrats hating women. If McCain doesn't get elected presumably we'll then hear about how Democrats hate veterans, white people, and the bald.