Wednesday, March 07, 2012

Allow me to translate

There's so much casual stupidity in the news these days, it can be easy to get lost. Luckily, I'm a giver. You're welcome.

- Shorter Homophobia:

A Marine official’s description of a photograph of two males hugging and kissing at a base in Hawaii as “typical” is making the United States military look ridiculous, charges the head of the Center for Military Readiness, which argues for making the military more of a fighting force and less a social experiment. 
The image has gotten widespread attention on the Internet. Posted on a “gay Marine” social networking page, it shows Dalan Wells and Brand Morgan. Their reunion after Morgan returned from assignment is what it is, according to Elaine Donnelly of the Center for Military Readiness. 
...Donnelly said the new culture, marked by the recent elimination of the 200-plus year old ban on open homosexuality in the military, will rebound on the United States at some point.
Translation: Gay guys kissing? Gross! Besides, everyone knows you can't be gay and shoot someone-- limp wrists make it hard to fire a gun. Funnily enough, the 40-plus other countries-- including those uber-fey nations known as China, Russia, and Israel-- that have gays openly serving haven't seemed to notice this issue. (Incidentally, the Sergeant in the picture had just finished a 6 month tour of service in Afghanistan-- his third-- so it seems to me he's entitled to smooch whoever he damn well pleases.)

- Shorter Ethnocentrism:

The Positive Side of Drunkenness is Revealed on PurimAlthough in general drunkenness is disgraceful, nevertheless, its' positive sides cannot be ignored. As a consequence of intoxication, basic happiness is revealed, expressing physical, unrestrained joy, filled with power and vitality. Normally, however, the lust and depravity of drunkenness obscures its positive side, and as a result, it causes wildness and numerous obstacles. But on Purim, when we drink and take joy in the salvation of Hashem, remembering the miracle that was done by means of the feast, the positive sides of drinking are revealed. 
Revealing the Uniqueness of IsraelThere is another profound meaning: On Purim, the eternal holiness of Israel is revealed, making clear that even what appears to be bad – is reversed for the good. The harsh decrees lead to repentance. By means of drinking wine for the sake of the mitzvah, the 'sod' (secret) is revealed, that even the material side of Israel – internally – is holy. And although the body and its physical sensations seem to interfere with serving Hashem, on the high level of Purim -- "nahafach hu" (on the contrary), they greatly assist serving Hashem, in joy and vitality.

Translation: Jews are so awesome that when we get hammered, it's actually a mystical and holy experience, as opposed to whenever anyone else does it and it's a frat party gone bad. Also, in keeping with longstanding counter-intuitive mystical misheggos, let me reveal another magic secret: that up is down and right is diagonal.

- Shorter Old Crank:
In 2007, America thought it was electing a president. We never dreamed we were electing an emperor. 
Are you among the many who’ve noticed, for a long time now, how many times Mr. Obama uses the word “I” in every speech, every press conference, every White House release? In ever imperious ways, he states what “I have notified Senate leaders,” whom “I have appointed” both to traditional posts and to his own newly created “czarships” over previously less regulated pursuits? How many times in his State of the Union addresses has he told Congress and the Supreme Court what “I will do in the coming months,” what “I‘m directing” various departments to do and even “what I will not allow while I‘m president”? 
Even in Great Britain, where there is a legitimate monarchy – a reigning Queen – the little lady never uses the personal pronoun in her statements. She always uses the less personal “we.” It’s “we desire,” “we believe,” “it is our wish,” recognizing that, in a very real but unstated way, she rules by the consent of her people. She certainly doesn’t wish to provoke their resentment by a pompous supremacy. Not so our current White House occupant. 
In America, what happened to “We the People”?
Translation: I hate Obama so much that I've moved beyond the ability to express it in words. Screw policy, I can tell by his pronouns he thinks he's Charlemagne! This totally counts as legitimate political commentary, right? Now hand over my check.

- Shorter Misogyny:

I think it is absolutely absurd that during these very serious political times, we are discussing personal sexual recreational activities before members of Congress. I personally do not agree that American citizens should pay for these social activities. What happened to personal responsibility and accountability? Where do we draw the line? If this is accepted as the norm, what will follow? Will we be debating if taxpayers should pay for new sneakers for all students that are interested in running to keep fit? In my monologue, I posited that it is not our business whatsoever to know what is going on in anyone’s bedroom nor do I think it is a topic that should reach a Presidential level. 
My choice of words was not the best, and in the attempt to be humorous, I created a national stir. I sincerely apologize to Ms. Fluke for the insulting word choices.

Translation: How dare all you sluts pull your advertising from my show?


Antigonos said...

The negative side of drinking on Purim is that every year an increasing number of persons are admitted to hospital in Israel with alcohol poisoning on the holiday. Typically they are relatively young teenagers, haredi, have never drunk anything more than a sip of kiddush wine in their lives and now have emptied bottles of vodka, straight. Ask them why they've done it and they'll tell you it was to fulfill the mitzvah.

Friar Yid (not Shlita) said...

Yeah, I think the frum world would be far better served by talking about the dangers of over-indulging (as well as hereditary alcoholism) than pretending that Jews have magical physiology when it comes to liver function or blood-alcohol tolerance.

John Laura said...

She certainly doesn’t wish to provoke their resentment by a pompous supremacy. Not so our current White House occupant.

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