The premise is that the Fourth of July is not a legitimate holiday for Jews to observe, because they aren't really Americans, they're Jews. Which is to say, Israelis.
This is where Tzvi first muddies things up. Just because all Jews are theoretically able to become Israelis doesn't mean they actually are, just like the fact that you might be able to apply for Italian citizenship thanks to your grandma Rosa doesn't mean you can go vote in their next election. We're talking about separate things. However, since we're also talking about Tzvi, he of course doesn't care. On with the show.
Unless you're a convert, or descended from Khazars or something. In which case, we wish you a lot of luck in your legal battles to reclaim your ancient birthright of Astrakhan.
From there things get really weird as Tzvi relates some of the more abusive things he's done to Birthright participants who have been unlucky enough to spend a Shabbat with him over the years, all in the name of "educating" them. But first he compares them to a gallon of milk.
Yes, don't you hate it when your young American Jews have been over-pasteurized? Not like our authentic, artisanal Jews, straight from the land's... udders?
Wait, no, I can do this. Let's just use our old friend the Internet and...
Ok, let me guess, the cream is the emunah and the skim milk is the... ruach? I have no idea where this is going. Besides someplace awful, of course.
What? How does that work? Did you dress your nose up in disguise? Did you pretend it was Greek? What are you talking about, Tzvi?
A- Grass? What decade are you living in? I know B'aal Teshuvahs are supposed to aspire towards the childlike innocence of Frum-From-Birthers, but that doesn't mean you need to pretend you just got back from 1962.
B- I'm pretty sure that's not how pot distribution works in Colorado. Really, really, sure.
So, to recap: you're a superficial and judgmental jerk, and this guy should avoid any attempt to be polite to you. Good to know.
I love that you're using the same terminology as the Luftwaffe, and you realize how dicey this is, yet you still think it's justifiable because, after all, all you're doing is an intensive indoctrination session. Cute.
Um... what are you doing, Tzvi? I know you must think this is a great way to connect with them, but there's a really uncomfortable vibe coming off from this.
Yeah, talking about movies would spoil the special holiness. Not like the divine spark that comes from alcohol poisoning.
Then I spoke about the Torah, how it’s our true culture, giving them a tour of all the hundreds of books in our living-room library, explaining how it’s been denied them all of their lives, their true identity, until they were programmed to sing the Star Spangled Banner with tears in their eyes, get stoned on New Year’s like all their heathen friends, and celebrate the 4th of July.
“What’s wrong with celebrating the 4th of July?” Tony asked.
That’s when I stand up from the table, walk into the kitchen, open the freezer, and take out the chilled and frosted bottle of “Arak,” a liquorish-tasting liqueur a little like Ouzo. The alcohol is so cold and concentrated, it goes straight to brain like a 10,000 watt electric charge. I poured myself a full shot glass, downed it with a smile, and handed one to Tony. The good sport gulped it down innocently. Then BOOM! His head trembled, his eyes fluttered closed, and he swooned off his chair. My little son was waiting with a throw pillow to cushion his fall. I’ve got my family trained. While I knelt down on the floor with the Birthrighter, my wife and older sons kept the conversation going with our other guests. In the beginning of the Birthright program, my wife didn’t like my antics, and she would get angry at me, but when she saw that it was all needed to break down the walls and walls of defensive barriers that these kids are encased in like vaults, she became a true helpmate in my efforts.
“Tony? Do you hear me?” I asked, sitting beside him under the table.Tzvi, there's a world for this, and it's called assault. I can't believe Birthright still lets you entertain young people in your house. I really feel like I should be reporting this to someone. It would totally serve you right if this guy's family sued your pants off.
“Yeah. Wow. You’re such a cool rabbi.”
“Tony. Repeat after me. I’m not an American!”
“I’m not an American!” he said.
“I’m not an American!” I shouted louder.
“I’m not an American!” he yelled.
“I’ve been lied to all my life!”
“I’ve been lied to all my life!”
“I’m an Israeli!”I barked
“I’m an Israeli!” he echoed.
“I’m an Israeli!”
“Oh, man. You’re blowing my mind,” he said. “I don’t believe it. I’m an Israeli! My whole life’s a big lie. I’m a Jew. I’m an Israeli. I’m not an American at all!”