Thursday, September 06, 2007

Because it's been too long

And you know you missed me. Time for a "recent search"-stravaganza.

- "Avi Weiss, Making Aliyah." This is Avi Weiss, signing off, in front of the reconstructed Wailing Wall I built next to the Riverdale Temple Car-Park. Am I in Zion yet?

- "Is Making Aliyah More Important than being a Diaspora Jew". Wow. That is what I call a super-specialized question. It's not everyday people seem to actually be asking questions that have to do with something I write. (I feel bad for my one reader from Warsaw that was just minding his own business looking for a picture of the Imrei Emet and somehow wound up in this dreck-hole. Sorry!)

- "Do you have to be circumcised to be old-orthodox." Depends what you mean. If you're talking old-school Orthodox, then yes. Back in the ancient days of yore, yesteryear, and Moses, all babies that weren't lucky enough to be born circumcised like Adam Avinu were considered cursed freaks, and possibly some sort of devil-spawn, so they were left out in the wilderness to die, Spartan-style. The Talmud refers to the ritual by the name of "quality control".

- "Moschiach Pulsa Denura." For those of you wondering how Chabad could possibly top last year's telethon.

- "Feminist Egalitarian Divrei Torah." And another thing, what's the deal with the Torah being written on scrolls? Can we say phallic? A Judaism truly committed to egalitarianism would have its scriptures written down on some nice pottery (with lead-free paint, of course), or at least a Georgia O'Keefe painting. Patriarchy!

- "Abir Sofer." Old news.

- "Amnon de Hartog." Ditto.

- "Godwin Yid." An as yet undiscovered distant cousin. Probably on Dad's side.

- "Satmar vs. Bobov." And you thought Satmar vs. Chabad was fun. I hope you get Pay-Per-View.

- "Schmuley vs. Hitchens." Hey, why shouldn't CSPAN get in on the cage fighting action, too?

- "Treif pronunciation." You mean YHVH? Jehovah? Bacon? There are so many ways this could go.

- "I don't deny Jews their right to a national existence but I don't want to be a part of it." Heretic.

- "Aliyah Guilt." Only from the Israeli government, the Reform movement, and everyone in the West Bank. That still leaves... um... Denmark still has some Jews, right?

- "Difficulty Accepting Son Making Aliyah." They say the first step is to kidnap him and send him to a cult. I hear Chabad's accepting applications (also the Moonies).

- "Aliyah Funding." You mean taxes?

- "Sicarri Tales." I'd buy that book. Hell, I'd write that book. Hands off my intellectual property, jerk.

- "What does Devil's Advocate Mean." Just Go Away. Stupid.

- "Satmar Lexus." Giggle.

- "Does a religious friar get paid?" So far, nope.

- "Frum Orthodox Jewish Women Nude Pics." I see you saw my Craigslist ad.

- "Ex Frum Jews." Why does this take you to me? I was never frum.

- "Schick Brother Riot Brooklyn." When you're in a rioty mood and can't find some black folk, black hats can work just as well.

- "Klingberg rebbe." Rest in peace.

- "Sexy Chussid." I didn't know you cared.

- "Meir Kahane Arm Wrestle." Few people know that before he started the JDL, Rav Kahane had a promising career on the amateur championship arm wrestling circuit. Of course, back in those days, the league still followed Greco-Roman rules, requiring all matches to occur in the nude and the competitors be covered with liberal amounts of olive oil. Still, somehow young Meir kept his faith... all this and more will be explored in the new children's biography, "Making of a Nutjob," which goes on sale in Tishrei 5768.

- "Ovadia Yosef andsexual." I don't even want to know.

- "Frier Jewish Heritage Florida." Hi Grandma!

- "The Procedure for Checking Shatnez." I can only assume it is time-consuming and boring.

- "Habbani Jews." Presumably annoyed that some random schmoe from Jamaica by way of New York and/or Hebron is claiming to have re-discovered their mystical martial arts. Also, that they aren't getting a cut.

- "Leviticus Swordfish Conservative." And lo, Moses was just about finished writing the Torah and skipped ahead a few chapters, and said, "Who the hell is this Schetcher guy and why does he get swordfish?"

- "Existentialism versus Judeo-Christianity." Whatever your feelings about existentialism, the fact that it is an actual system of thought, as opposed to the BS pastiche that makes up the poorly defined, rarely explained morass that is vaguely alluded to as Judeo-Christianity, seems to give it a solid advantage here.

- "Maran Harav Eliashiv." You spelled moron wrong. This is what you get for studying Gemarah instead of English.

- "Segulah for sex with your wife." I don't know what the hell a segulah is, but I'm always down for having sex with your wife.

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