Condensed Dennis

Cramming Prager into shorter, hopefully marginally less-painful sound-bites. (Based on the impeccable logic of Homer Simpson as seen here.) Now with real Dennis-quotes!

On "non-leftists" voting Democratic: You're emotionally prejudiced against Republicans! Because liberalism is a religion to you! Even more than actual religions! So you're overly-emotional anti-Republican, religion-hating jerks. Not only that, you're ideologically inconsistent! Only 20% of Americans consider themselves liberal, based on some random unsourced poll I'm using. The only logical explanation is that most Democrats are intellectually lazy, in addition to being illogical, emotional, religion-hating anti-Republican bigots. Oh, AND to remember how unfair and lazy Democrat arguments are, I coined a new acronym of various slurs they slander Republicans with: "... nearly all Democratic and leftist reactions to conservatives and Republicans are to avoid argument (remember, on the issues the left has few supporters) and smear them as SIXHIRB, my acronym for "Sexist, Intolerant, Xenophobic, Homophobic, Islamophobic, Racist, Bigoted." You can tell I'm right because nearly all high-profile Conservatives have been slandered with one of these insults at some time or another, which just goes to show that every one of those times was an unfair bit of character assassination by left-wing jerks. Did I mention that since you can't ever win any arguments, you always resort to demonizing your opponents? Bastards.

On Hispanics waffling over which party to choose: I understand you moved here because your country sucks. Believe me, I understand how much it sucks. But if we let everyone in then it will destroy our culture, you know, the static and unchanged whitebread, Judeo-Christian one we've had since the 1620s. What you have to understand is that anyone who claims that people who oppose illegal immigration are racists are full of crap. We don't hate you, we love you, that's why we hire you to mow our lawns, harvest our fruit and sew our clothes. Would I let you near my lawn if I didn't trust you? Think about it. You can also tell that there's no racism in America because so many non-Hispanics are marrying Hispanics. The birth-rate doesn't lie: "We are the least racist place on earth." I know, you didn't even know there were empirical ways to measure or prove that. But your old pal Dennis pulled an all-afternooner and found a way, and the results are in: we rule. So seriously, stop complaining, and start voting for Republicans, instead of Democrats who appeal to your emotions just to get votes (the nerve!) Incidentally, did I mention the Democrats are left-wing, just like the governments of all those shithole countries that you came here to escape? Do the math, Pedro.

On Liberals and God: Liberals pooh-pooh how religious America is. But it's really a compliment, because our religion is awesome. See, our Judeo-Christian God is the source of American liberty, as opposed to Islam's God, who is about submission. (Hey! No fair bringing up Shakers, Amish or Haredi Jews, I'm trying to make a ridiculously broad argument over here.) Anyway, even though the concept of all men being endowed liberty by their creator sounds rather Deist and reeks of the European Enlightenment, it actually shows what major God hard-ons the Founding Fathers had. You can tell because they put Bible verses on public buildings and large bells. Also, the less religious a country gets, the more totalitarian it gets. (Exception for Muslim countries because they contradict me, and also I'm going to ignore the silly argument I made up before that leftism is a religion in its own right because it's inconvenient right now.) Where was I? Ah yes, why I'm right. You see, as America gets more totalitarian and liberal, it uses the courts to remove God and religion, so that the state can steal people's liberty. Get it? Oh, did I mention that the present-day culture war is actually a Civil War? To show how apt my comparison is, I rewrote some history while watching a documentary on the History Channel: "To use a Civil War simile, the secular Fort Sumter took place in 1962, when the United States Supreme Court (Engel v. Vitale) overthrew the decision of the highest court of New York state and ruled that the following prayer, said in New York State schools, violated the Constitution: 'Almighty God, we acknowledge our dependence upon Thee, and we beg Thy blessings upon us, our parents, our teachers and our Country.'"
In this scenario, of course, I would get to be someone bad-ass like Stonewall Jackson, in as much as I am borderline insane and spend much of my time sucking lemons while pointing out to anyone with ears how great I am. Anyway, anytime a liberal sues someone over Christmas, or anyone feels marginally discomfited by someone telling them to stop preaching God at them, an angel gets sodomized by Al Franken. And that's why Obama is bad.