Tzvi wants all his readers to know they're giant jerks- but that he forgives them. The rationale behind him knowing we're jerks is just as strange as his solution to it:
Our Sages teach that if a person understood the great value of abuse, he would wake up each morning and beg G-d to send someone to abuse him that day. A person who is abused and doesn’t answer in return is forgiven of his sins.
...I’m not referring to the abuse I regularly receive from talkbackers who get angry at me for pointing out the disgrace of living in gentile lands when they could be living in Israel. That abuse is part of being a blog writer. It comes with the job. I am talking about an abuse much more painful – the fact that very few of my readers, even the most faithful amongst them, have purchased my books, so easily available at Amazon Books.Thought: If people don't buy your books, perhaps it is not a sign of "abuse" but rather that they think you are not a particularly good writer.
As I have mentioned before, I am a novelist at heart. Blogs are blogs, but a good novel is something entirely different. And here, after I spent literally thousands of hours writing blogs, free of charge, in order to enlighten my beloved brothers and sisters in the exile of the darkness which surrounds them, and the very real dangers they face, when I present them with an opportunity to experience true Jewish literature that has the power to revolutionize their lives, they turn their backs as if it had no value.Yes, how dare we have opinions about what we want to read? What nerve of us.
Yes, I understand that books cost a few bucks, and that most Internet readers can’t get past a homepage, let alone tackle a 500 page saga like “Tevye in the Promised Land”, but, even if they don’t want to read my novels, they could give them away as gifts.Come on guys! I'm not asking you to read the darn things, just buy them! You can use them as coasters if you want! With a little tape and origami skills, the new paperback edition can make a nifty Breslov-style kippa! They're multi-taskers!
Young people love my stories. Old people too.Question: If everyone loves your stories, why are you complaining that no one is buying them? How can both these things be true? Is there some sort of devious Napster-style black market thing going on with seniors making illegal Fishman copies and surreptitiously passing them along to the ever-hungry youth market? Are you supposed to be the Jewish Lars Ulrich?
And yes, I realize that my writing is confrontational, dealing with uncomfortable things like G-d, emunah, tshuva, and aliyah, subjects that the majority of people would rather avoid. And I am perfectly aware that until the goyim declare that Fishman is a great novelist, the Jews won’t consider my writing as being of any worth. Yes, I know all of these things, but still, after all of the years that I have invested in my writing, with all of my heart, the apathy which I encounter is painful indeed.Did I mention my incredible modesty, as well? I must say, dear readers, it pains me that despite me being so darn fantastic, until I am voted Best Jew Alive, I apparently am doomed to a life of only partial recognition of my supreme awesomeness. If it weren't for my great piety, I'd probably compare myself to Jesus right now. (Is it my imagination, or is Tzvi channeling Ellis Washington?)
Gee Tzvi, when you put it like that, I can't imagine why I haven't been wasting my time and money looking for your boring, didactic, self-important drivel masquerading as fiction before. Just what have I been doing with my life?
And lest you think my motivation is money, on some books my royalties are 20 cents. On others 30 cents. On one or two titles, I earn a buck. That’s the reality of digital ebooks. So I am not in it for the money.Got it. You're just in it for the ego trip. Good to know.
I have decided to take a hiatus from blog writing, and to use this column to serialize my novels, chapter by chapter, day after day, to let people read, free of charge, in short, non-overwhelming installments, my fictional works, which I have written for the Sake of Heaven, for the enlightenment of Am Yisrael.
So here we go, for all of my hundreds of thousands of readers who have plastered my face with dry digital saliva by ignoring my books...That's right, Tzvi. By reading your blog instead of your fiction, we have offended you. What heartless bastards we are. How lucky that you know what we really should be reading.
To review: Tzvi has a semi-popular blog. Tzvi is mad no one wants to read his uninteresting books. Therefore, he decides to force all his blog readers to read his books by turning his blog into an Internet throwback to the Daily Forverts.
Either Tzvi's just shot himself in the e-foot, or we're about to see the Amazing Hand of the Free MarketTM do something interesting.
Stay tuned...
4 comments:
Hey, why be upset? You can now read the dreck and to to it what you're (very intermittently)doing to that fine piece of .., er, "literature," Jacob's Way. In other words, you can read it, so we don't have to ! :)
-CA
OK, I'll start out (b'li neder) with fisking Mr. Fishman's sorry excuse for a novel. This should be better than Jacob's way, because Fishman should know better.
Chapter 1
"The rental car that was supposed to be waiting for me at the airport when I arrived in Israel wasn’t there. "
Unlikely, even under the circumstances of a busy travel season. I've been traveling for over 30 years, and I've never been stiffed on availability of a rental car.
"“That’s your problem, not mine,” I answered, raising my voice. “I want a car now! I only have four days here, and I don’t want this uncalled for negligence to screw up my trip!”"
If all this guy wants to do is go to Safed, there is something called the Egged Bus Company that provides frequent, comfortable service and would have saved the protagonist a great deal of money. Zvi could have plotted a bus breakdown id he wanted to put in the "everything is for the best" schtick.
"I suppose I was more uptight than usual. After all, I had travelled ten-thousand miles with the crazy hope that some old wise man in Israel could tell me why my life was such a mess,"
You bet your life is a mess if you think it's 10,000 miles from Boston to Tel Aviv. It's more like 6,000 miles.
"“In Jerusalem,” I answered. “Then I’ll be traveling to Safed in the morning, so I’ll need a car.”"
No you don't, take the bus. It's not 1949 anymore. Israeli buses are nice and comfortable, air conditioned, with reclining seats...
"But when things started going sour in my life, and my sixtieth birthday came into sight, "
The dude freaks out because he has BPH and all of a sudden he realizes he's going to die eventually? What a wimp. If the guy is going to go off his rocker enough to blow his money of a quickie 4-day trip to Israel and endure the jet lag, he needs a little more trauma than that. Maybe Zvi should have had the protagonist's wife leave him for a kabbalah ult or something. That might also make the idea that this secular fellow is off to Israel i search of a kabbalist so he can ind out what there is that attracted his wife to it.
My Fisking, part 2
--------
"First of all, she noted, the “old cocker” was probably dead already."
Nobody translates the term "alter kaker" into English. It makes no sense, it's like translating the work "schmuck."
"I was never religious, but I felt something out of the ordinary when the sign at the airport exit pointed the way to Jerusalem."
With your BPH, you should have remembered to use the Men's room before you left Ben Gurion Airport.
"I suppose it is something that everyone feels deep inside."
Well, maybe not Hindus and Buddhists.
"After all, world history had its beginning in this part of the woods,"
The Chines, Sumerians, and Indians might have an argument with that.
"and while my parents hadn’t believe in any religion that I can remember, who doesn’t have sentimental childhood memories about the manger in Bethlehem in those beautiful TV dramas come Christmas time?"
If this guy's parents didn't believe in religion, then why did they let him watch Christian religious programming? It would be more believable to say that even though they were secular Jews, they still identified as Jews, and brainwashed him with at least the story of the heroics of 1967.
"High-pitched wailings, coming from a loudspeaker atop a Muslim mosque, lent an eerie, romantic, Arabian backdrop to the city."
Maybe things have changed sinc I was last there, but I don't think there are any mosques right near the Jaffa Gate. And the term "Muslim Mosque" made me titter. Do they also have "Jewish Mosques" in Israel that Zvi needed to differentiate them?
"First of all, she noted, the “old cocker” was probably dead already."
Nobody translates the term "alter kaker" into English. It makes no sense, it's like translating the work "schmuck."
"I was never religious, but I felt something out of the ordinary when the sign at the airport exit pointed the way to Jerusalem."
With your BPH, you should have remembered to use the Men's room before you left Ben Gurion Airport.
"I suppose it is something that everyone feels deep inside."
Well, maybe not Hindus and Buddhists.
"After all, world history had its beginning in this part of the woods,"
The Chines, Sumerians, and Indians might have an argument with that.
"and while my parents hadn’t believe in any religion that I can remember, who doesn’t have sentimental childhood memories about the manger in Bethlehem in those beautiful TV dramas come Christmas time?"
If this guy's parents didn't believe in religion, then why did they let him watch Christian religious programming? It would be more believable to say that even though they were secular Jews, they still identified as Jews, and brainwashed him with at least the story of the heroics of 1967.
"High-pitched wailings, coming from a loudspeaker atop a Muslim mosque, lent an eerie, romantic, Arabian backdrop to the city."
Maybe things have changed sinc I was last there, but I don't think there are any mosques right near the Jaffa Gate. And the term "Muslim Mosque" made me titter. Do they also have "Jewish Mosques" in Israel that Zvi needed to differentiate them?
-CA
Mys fisking of Zvi, part 3
---------------------
"Most of the shops in the Arab market or “casbah,” as it was called, were closed at the hour, "
Actually, I seem to recall that we called it the "shuk" (market), or maybe the Arabic "souk," which meant the same thing. I believe a "casbah" is something slightly different.
"but there were still some Arab merchants hawking their colorful wares in the doorways of their small crannies. It was as if I had suddenly left civilization behind and entered the mysterious world of “A Thousand and One Nights.” "
You left "civilization" behind? So what the Arabs have isn't "civilization?" Geez, what a bigot.
"I found myself in the midst of a crowd of Hasidic Jews heading in the same direction. In their fur “Streimmel” hats, cream-colored robes, black shoes, and white socks,"
"Cream colored robes?" Every Hasid I've ever seem wears a long dark coat.
"Like I said, I do not consider myself a religious person in any shape or form. As a youth, I was drawn to the sciences, and I suppose that’s why I ended up teaching math at the Maimonides Science High School,"
Math isn't a science. Also, are they naming public high schools in Boston after Maimonides, or is this a Jewish Day School?
"Religion hadn’t been a part of my upbringing, and when we raised our only daughter, Daisy, we didn’t think it important to drag her off to church on Sundays just to keep up with the Joneses. "
Is this character Jewish? If so, of course he wouldn't want to drag his family off the church. And who the hell would inflict a name like "Daisy" on their poor kid?
"When American soldiers were sent off to the War in Iraq, I didn’t have a son going off to fight, so I didn’t have to worry about a somber army chaplain one day knocking on my door. "
What century are you living in? It's quite possible that Daisy could have enlisted nowadays, and lots of women soldiers have been killed over in the "sandbox," as they called Iraq.
"a few lovers here and there, to break the boredom with my faithful yet mundane wife, Miriam."
How do know she was faithful? Hehe, 'd watch our for the plumber/electrician/pool boy/tennis pro. :) Come on, let's make these characters a bit more realistic!
"“There are lots of wise men in Israel,"
Unfortunately, cone of them seem to be holding any positions of political power.
"Making my way across the wide Western Wall plaza to a bus stop, I hailed a passing cab."
I hope this guy remembers not to go to the train station when he wants to catch his flight home.
Post a Comment