Thursday, July 19, 2007

Yes, I'm lazy. But the first step is admitting it.

This whole webring thing is really helping me get a lot more hits. Kudos to whoever invented it. Let's go to the searches:

- "amnon de hartog." Is that how he spells his name? Are we sure? Positive it doesn't have an x in there somewhere? If not, give it a few days, I have faith in the Israeli press.

- "friar yid." I'm here, I'm weird, get used to it- everybody else does.

- "hartog cohen mk." The bitchslap heard round the world.

"abir warrior arts controversy." See? See? Now it's a controversy. Who says one person can't change the world. Why, if I didn't have a modicum of self-control and much better things to do, I might just go stuff a "controversy" section right over on the Wikipedia page. Of course, once you're as famous as me and Stephen Colbert, you don't need to do your own internet dirty work, or as we in the biz call it, "dirt-e work." Fly, my wiki-minions, fly!

- ariel angel torah." Let me tell you, Ariel is one angel you do not want to screw around with, especially since he has that huge chip on his shoulder from everyone thinking he's a girl. "Call me a mermaid, huh? How's a fiery thunderbolt?"

- "de hartoch." See?

- "kuck sool marital arts." Kuck what? I'm sorry, we don't talk about fake martial arts here. You must be thinking of that pathetic Korean forgery of the ancient asskicking patrimony of the Jewish people.

Hey, maybe de Hartog is an Abir fighter! After all, how else could a mere government paper-pusher hit such a stately statesman with enough force to make "his world go dark"? Why, Cohen's beard alone should have cushioned most of the potential energy. Unless... that's right. Abir.

- "what is the name of a friar women." Shiksa Girlfriend. But don't tell her I said so.

- "nutbaggery." My own little gift to English. Not that it would ever send me a card, the jerk.

- "yehoshua sofer." SHHH! His name is too holy to be spoken aloud. Not only that, but now I probably have to genize my monitor.

- "what's in the name shimon." All sorts of stuff. Him Son, Shim No, Shin Mo, and a little birdie told me it gets even cooler if you do it with gematria.

- "how does one turn off the brain." Depends what you're into. Pills, booze, electric shocks, Fox News...

- "da hartuch lawyer." God dammit!

- "hasidic master simcha bunim." Simcha Bunim Alter, the only rebbe to date who got an MK publicly beaten in shul after accusing him of senility. Elyashiv's got some big shoes to fill.

- "ageism and aliyah." Who says sabras can't be wrinkly?

- "satmar july 12 2007." A day that will live in infamy, no doubt. What, did someone burn something down? Or maybe some poor woman accidentally walked past the rebbe's Lincoln Continental showing too much ankle? I hope they spritzed her with the kosher bleach.

"rabbi cohen hartoch." A match made in Heaven.

- "is dennis miller jewish." Nope, just stupid. Incidentally, neither is this guy.

- "d'var torah dealing with dishonest people." Swish.

- "amnon de hartog." Ok, guys, now it's starting to get old.

- "yiddish backhanded compliment." Hmm, how about this: "Nu, Shloime, it's good to see you aren't letting the brain damage stop you from talking." What, too soon?

- "gerrer sex." You know what they say about guys with big hats.

- "hasidic heretic." Spinoza didn't know how easy he had it. Damn Sfard.

- "hartuch smack." Ker. Pow.

- "amiel salutin." What? I don't even know what this is.

- "maher urban legends cheney." They both live in the sewers and feed on impressionable young idiots. Also, money.

- "yeshiva world eckstein." Just two dollars a day can help stuff this old invalid woman on a plane and dump her ass in Israel, and after that, she's their problem! Seriously though, help the Jews, folks. In the meantime, I'm going to be playing a rousing game of nude discus-throwing using gold-plated yarmulkes. Your serve, Hagee!

- "milk braised lamb." Mmm, mmm, good.

- "abir yehoshua sofer fake." Hey, hey, hey. Don't go saying that stuff around here. I'd like to keep my neck, thanks. All I need is to have psycho Jewish ninjas and their blind grandfathers stalking me (though I have to admit, I would pay to see that movie. Just not very much).

- "hitchens vs. shmuley." They're both schmucks. But at least Hitchens isn't claiming to speak for me and my culture. Seriously, Shmuley, shut the hell up.

- "eruv countryside." Pastoral eruv portrait, by Monet. Now selling at auction for some multiple of 18, no doubt.

And of course, the thing that makes this whole blogging thing worthwhile...

- "chuck norris, satanist."

...I should just take out the life insurance now, shouldn't I?

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