Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Two-Minute Haggadah

Shiska Girlfriend and I are four days away from our first seder. Since we are nothing if not over-confident, we have invited 9 other people, and I have written my own Haggadah (40 pages in the original, now close to 90 after making it large-font for the older guests and battling with stupid Kinko's fonts). Since presently I'm flirting with the idea of running off for the weekend and leaving everyone to split a box of matzoh and bottle of Manischewitz, I got a large chuckle out of this:

For those of you who don't have the patience to sit through a full Seder: The Two-Minute Haggadah - A Passover service for the impatient.

Opening prayers:
Thanks, God, for creating wine. (Drink wine.)
Thanks for creating produce. (Eat parsley.)
Overview:
Once we were slaves in Egypt. Now we're free. That's why we're doing this.
Four questions:
1. What's up with the matzoh?
2. What's the deal with horseradish?
3. What's with the dipping of the herbs?
4. What's this whole slouching at the table business?
Answers:
1. When we left Egypt, we were in a hurry. There was no time for making decent bread.
2. Life was bitter, like horseradish.
3. It's called symbolism.
4. Free people get to slouch.
A funny story:
Once, these five rabbis talked all night, then it was morning. (Heat soup now.)
The four kinds of children and how to deal with them:
Wise child-explain Passover.
Simple child-explain Passover slowly.
Silent child-explain Passover loudly.
Wicked child-brow beat in front of the relatives.
Speaking of children: We hid some matzoh. Whoever finds it gets five bucks.

The story of Passover:
It's a long time ago. We're slaves in Egypt. Pharaoh is a nightmare. We cry out for help. God brings plagues upon the Egyptians. We escape, bake some matzoh. God parts the Red Sea. We make it through. The Egyptians aren't so lucky. We wander 40 years in the desert, eat manna, get the Torah, wind up in Israel, get a new temple, enjoy several years without being persecuted again. (Let brisket cool now.)
The 10 Plagues: Blood, Frogs, Lice-you name it.
The singing of "Dayenu":
If God had gotten us out of Egypt and not punished our enemies, it would've been enough. If He'd punished our enemies and not parted the Red Sea, it would've been enough. If He'd parted the Red Sea (remove gefilte fish from refrigerator now.) etc.

Eat matzoh. Drink more wine. Slouch.
Thanks again, God, for everything.
SERVE MEAL.
Say Grace. Drink more wine. Sing some more songs. Try to stay awake.
Who knows one? Who knows two through thirteen?
Dad bought a goat for two zuzim. Everyone beats up every one until God steps in.
Go to sleep.
Do it again another night.

This was courtesy of Rafi at Life in Israel. Funnily enough, a commenter criticized him for posting "Leitzonus," that is, "mockery," or "scoffing." A google search for leitzonus turned this up:
The Torah teaches us, “V’eileh toldos Yitzchak ben Avraham; Avraham holid es Yitzchak” - And these are the offspring of Yitzchak, the son of Avraham; Avraham begot Yitzchak. Rashi comments on the obvious redundancy of the verse. After having just said that Yitzchak was the son of Avraham, why does it have to repeat that Avraham begot Yitzchak? He answers that it is to reveal a great miracle that occurred. The leitzonei hador, the scoffers of the generation, were promulgating that Sarah Imeinu, after all those years of not having children from Avraham, probably didn’t conceive from her husband. Rather, on the celebrated night when she was abducted by Avimelech, the king of the Philistines, was the time when Yitzchak must have been sired. In order to disprove this evil rumor, Hashem changed the facial features of Yitzchak so that he looked exactly like Avraham. Thus, everyone would know with an absolute certainty that “Avraham holid es Yitzchak.”

As someone who considers themselves a Leitz Hador, I have to say, I thought this Passover nugget was quite good (and, as usual, I don't understand what all the fuss is about).

1 comment:

Rafi G said...

I would be interested in seeing your haggadah.. any chance you could email it to me (pdf or word?)?