SOMEWHEREVILLE, US, August 11, 2006 (LifeSiteNews.com) – A group of elite scientists working in a top secret lab in an undisclosed location in the United States have said that they were stunned earlier this week when the data that they were working with proved beyond a doubt that in fact absolutely everything in the universe is perfectly ok.
“These results are astounding and strangely anti-intuitive,” explained researcher Dr. Gaudia to Phasmatis News Service. “The results of this research go against all of our expectations. I mean, right now there’s war over in Lebanon and Israel, people are starving to death in third world countries, and everywhere you look it seems people are generally unhappy and depressed. But despite all that, this research has proved beyond a doubt that in fact everything’s ok.”
...Saddam Hussein, the imprisoned ex-dictator of Iraq is reported to have been deeply shaken by the conclusion of the research. “If everything’s ok,” he remarked to his guards, “why have I been killing all those people for so many years? I wish I had known this sooner. If I had I probably would have spent a lot less time killing people and a lot more time swimming.”
Some experts have already speculated that the study will have an enormous impact on the Middle East, along the same lines as the personal effect that it is said to have had upon the former Iraqi dictator.
Already one firefight in Southern Lebanon is reported to have come to a premature end when a communications officer who had just received the news over his radio stepped into the middle of the battlefield, yelling, “Hey! Stop everyone! Everything’s ok!”.
Both Israeli and Hizbollah soldiers proceeded to lay down their weapons and rather sheepishly apologized to one another.
“Sorry about that,” said Corporal Asher to the Hizbollah soldier he had tried to kill with a grenade moments earlier. “Silly sort of thing to do in retrospect. Do you want to go swimming?”
“Oh yes, absolutely,” the unnamed Hizollah soldier reportedly responded. “I do like swimming."
The news of this research has also come as a pleasant surprise to many in the pro-life movement.
“This is really great news,” said Steve Jalsevac, the managing director of LifeSiteNews.com, at a press conference of pro-life leaders. “I mean, I was looking back at all the stories that we’ve been running this past week, and for a moment there I really wasn’t so sure. What with doctors killing their patients and polygamy and embryonic stem cell research and whatnot, for a moment there…”
See, it's like humor, only, you know, without a point. Which makes it much easier to understand, I find.
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