More from the Peanut Gallery

Ok, fine, I realize that technically, that is the "Coo-coo for Cocoa Puffs" bird, who apparently has some sort of idiotic backstory. Who knew?

The point is, our favorite wingnut rabbi, the esteemed Rav Brody, is at it again.

How? Let us count the ways.


1- Screw Katyushas, lashon hara's the "real killer". That's right, Rav Brody is pulling an OJ. You see, even while his northern neighbors are hiding in the ground and going nuts from PTSD, Rabbi Brody is convinced that the real reason all this stuff is going on is because of- you guessed it, gossip. Ok, so that's not exactly what he says, the REAL culprit is God- but more on that later. The point is that since the Talmud says gossip destroys Jewish communities, and everyone in Israel agrees they're all in danger, the Rav has concluded that the way to save everybody is to- that's right! Stop lashon hara! Brilliant! Oh wait... I think I may have just doomed Netanya. My bad. Apologies to my cousin Meir.

2- Back to that minor point from above. You know, the one about this all being God's fault. I mean, sure, on a macro-level this could be argued but... damn, Lazer! Let's see exactly what he's arguing:

Those of our beloved people whose minds aren't occupied with Torah tend to suffer from a self-destruct mode; if they're not fighting against a common enemy, they fight against themselves. Rest assured that if and when the ceasefire goes into effect, a national witch-hunt will begin. The government will blame the army and the army will blame the government. The military and the intelligence agencies will be at each other's throats... In short, our already weak leaders who should be rebuilding our devastated country and military will be busy playing hot-potato with the national blame.

Yeah, what happened to their sense of Jewish unity? We're all supposed to be in this together, right?

If our leaders would listen to me (which they haven't until now), I could save them millions of shekels and a lot of headaches

Those bastards! How dare they not recognize your documented prophecy-powers? Don't they know that you've been recognized as the "Nathan of Gaza" by both the esteemed Super-Holy Razz-a-matazz-Llama-Llama-Ding-Dong Melitzer Rebbe Super-shlita AND the King of Autistics? Plus I hear the Grand-Duke of Giardia has been looking pretty hard at your resume.

I'll tell you, for no charge whatsoever, who is responsible for Israel's political and material failures, the destruction of the Galilee and Haifa, and the breakdown of the myth of invincible Israel - Hashem. Blame everything on Hashem.

Look at the most highly irrational facts: Is it logical that 3,000 guerillas - equipped however well they were equipped - defeat a major international power? Is it logical that the same 3,000 guerillas, with not-state-of -the-art Katyusha missiles, baffle Israel's defenses and destroy the north? Is it logical that the Hizbolla, despite numerous IDF declarations of victory, returned repeatedly to draw IDF blood in Bint Jbeil and Aita-al-Shaab? Is it logical that thousands of IAF sorties that threw hundreds of tons of bombs on the Hizbolla's head barely scratched them? Is it logical that Israel has been unable to defend its major cities? Is it logical that Israel hasn't achieved a single one of its prewar goals? Is it logical that such a diverse government that can't agree about anything passes the UN Resolution calling for an empty ceasefire with only meaningless promises on paper unanimously, 24-0?

The answer to each of the above seven questions is no. None of the above phenomina could ever have happened without Hashem. Therefore, save the time and the money of the witch-hunts; cancel them. Hashem is responsible.

Hashem is teaching us that the doctrine of putting our faith in military power, or in any other human power, is finally dead. This is why I was bitterly against political activism before the disengagement from Gaza last year. Political activism won't mitigate our national crisis now, either. Only tshuva [repentance] can help. Without it, the next round of hostilities will be much more painful.

Oh.... Kay. Yeah.

Hey Lazer, why is Hashem punishing Israel? After all, it's not like they committed the sin of being black, like the folks in Hurricane Katrina. And even if you want to blame the Disengagement of last August, isn't that still kind of inconsistent with your theodicy-system? After all, in America, tens of thousands got displaced, with almost 2,000 dead and another 500 missing? If that's what we got, what about the Israelis, who actually carried it out? Shit, they've only gotten about 150 casualties, 1700 wounded, and 300,000 displaced. They're getting off light! Don't let it get back to him, but it sounds like God's getting kind of lazy.

Ok, ok. Let's let Lazer explain. Go for it, big guy.

Hashem is speaking loud and clear: A secular Israel is no substitute for Torah and Tshuva. Hashem is now burying the myth of "invincible" Israel; Hashem is exposing the ineptitude of secular Israel's arrogant leaders. Hashem is showing that without Hashem, nothing will succeed; this is a message that's been reverberating almost every day here at the Beams.

Sooner or later, all of Israel will make tshuva, but every progressive opportunity will be more difficult. The ceasefire at hand gives Olmert & friends a few more weeks of sidewalk cafes, but you can start the countdown to Iranian missiles falling on Tel Aviv. The calm won't last.

That's right. Hashem is mad because secular Jews suck. Also they don't pay enough attention to him (cue puppy-eyes and pouty-lip). Thanks for that breaking news, Lazer. It's good to know that God continues to be so high-maintenance that he's willing to let a few hundred of his favorite people be blown to bits to prove a point. I think I have a grandmother like that.

Oh, and I just want to let you know how much I appreciate you not doing any finger-pointing! Your unity just... wow, it gets you right *here*, you know? **


So Lazer, I guess what I'm trying to say is... thanks for all your nice and helpful thoughts, and... would you like some milk?

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** If by "here", of course, I mean in my ulcer. Mmm, feel that burn!