I can be even-handed

Lest any accuse me of never going after liberals, progressives, or people on the non-or anti-religious side of the spectrum-

This guy is a total asshat.

Regarding the accusations of sexual abuse of children by Catholic priests, deplorable and disgusting as those abuses are, they are not so harmful to the children as the grievous mental harm in bringing up the child Catholic in the first place. I had a letter from a woman in America in her forties, who said that when she was a child of about seven, brought up a Catholic, two things happened to her: one was that she was sexually abused by her parish priest. The second thing was that a great friend of hers at school died, and she had nightmares because she thought her friend was going to hell because she wasn't Catholic. For her there was no question that the greatest child abuse of those two was the abuse of being taught about hell. Being fondled by the priest was negligible in comparison. And I think that's a fairly common experience. I can't speak about the really grave sexual abuse that obviously happens sometimes, which actually causes violent physical pain to the altar boy or whoever it is, but I suspect that most of the sexual abuse priests are accused of is comparatively mild - a little bit of fondling perhaps, and a young child might scarcely notice that. The damage, if there is damage, is going to be mental damage anyway, not physical damage. Being taught about hell - being taught that if you sin you will go to everlasting damnation, and really believing that - is going to be a harder piece of child abuse than the comparatively mild sexual abuse.

Let me be one of the first to say this:

(Uses his best "Stan from South Park" voice.)

Up yours, Richard Dawkins, you douche.

Exploiting and minimizing the pain of children in order to advance your own anti-religious agenda is total bullcrap. Tons of people dislike the Catholic church, for a whole bunch of reasons. But comparing questionable theology to being forcibly sodomized is not only offensive, it's also unfair.

The word atheism sounds negative; let me call it rationalism. It is a rational view of the world where you stand up proudly, in your humanity, you look life straight in the face

You have offcially lost the right to use the "r-word", Rich. There is nothing rational or logical about using a fallacious and hyperbolic comparison to anal rape to get a cheap shot in at a religious system you disagree with. Next you'll be saying female circumcision isn't nearly as bad as learning the Qu'ran.

Here's an idea, why don't you go look some of these folks straight in the face? Then try telling them, "you know what, this is nothing compared to catechism".

You ass.

Edit: See Mea Culpa.

Hat-tip: Jewish Atheist.

Know your enemy

Or don't. You know, whatever. We're trying to develop a more 'low-key' image over here at the House Intelligence subcommittee.

Representative Jo Ann Davis, a Virginia Republican who heads a House intelligence subcommittee charged with overseeing the C.I.A.'s performance in recruiting Islamic spies and analyzing information, was similarly dumbfounded when I asked her if she knew the difference between Sunnis and Shiites.

"Do I?" she asked me. A look of concentration came over her face. "You know, I should." She took a stab at it: "It's a difference in their fundamental religious beliefs. The Sunni are more radical than the Shia. Or vice versa. But I think it's the Sunnis who’re more radical than the Shia."

Did she know which branch Al Qaeda's leaders follow?

"Al Qaeda is the one that's most radical, so I think they're Sunni," she replied. "I may be wrong, but I think that's right."

Brilliant. Excuse me while I take this hacksaw to your scalp. Maybe we'll find something usable in there. Like ethanol.

Things like this are why we're hearing media idiots say things like, "all the terrorism in Iraq is being supported by Iran"- yes, Iran especially loves the Sunni militias, right? That just makes total godamn sense, doesn't it? Maybe next we'll get to hear about how the IRA are funding the KKK.

Incidentally, for those actually interested, such things can in fact be determined using the wonderful world of the Internet.

This aneurysm provided courtesy of Anagrysis.

Dusting off an old chestnut

Here's an interesting suggestion- not being attracted to every woman you meet means you aren't really heterosexual.

Who said it? Rabbi Shmuley "Never met a woman I didn't want to boink" Boteach.

The male overexposure to women has even led to the death of the heterosexual man as we know him. If the definition of a heterosexual man is a male who is attracted to women, then most men today are barely heterosexual. Think about it. Nearly all the men I know are only attracted to about one in ten women, that is, the ten percent of women they consider ‘hot.’ The other ninety percent leave them cold. Doesn’t that mean that they are ninety percent asexual? And I’m not trying to be funny. If a man is not attracted to a woman, then he is not heterosexual. Period. And if he only attracted to a small fraction of the women he meets, then he is fractionally heterosexual.

Makes total sense, really. Just like if a person claims to like meat but won't eat their dog or grandmother, they can't really like meat. Or if you say you're a dog lover but refuse to live in the same house with a homicidal pit bull. Look, I told you, honey, he's trained now, ok? No, that time it actually was the mail-man's fault! Well he shouldn't have been delivering that sample of A1 steak sauce, ok? It's just common sense. Hey, you're avoiding the real issue- why do you hate dogs?

Wait a minute, Shmuley, haven't you been telling us for years that we aren't supposed to put that much stock in mere animal attraction? Aren't attraction and intimacy supposed to develop over time, like decades?

So now if we are physically attracted to women we're dogs, and if we're not, we're gay, or at least bisexual. Great, why don't I just move to an island now and save myself some grief. I hear those lepers make nice neighbors.

But don't worry, guys-with-preferences-and/or-standards. Shmuley isn't really saying you're gay- just asexual. And really, as long as you're not queer, everything else is gravy, right?

Well, I'm off to go pick up my new tallis- I got a hot pink one, with glitter tassels for tzitzit. If anyone named "Raymondo" calls, tell him to use my cell.

O'Reilly on LGBT History Month

Last night Bill O'Reilly demonstrated exactly what the gap between folks like himself and progressives are in regards to LGBT issues:

O- "What if you're a parent and you don't believe in homosexuality. For whatever reason, you just don't believe in it- why should you have to deal with your kids being taught about it? Why do they have to deal with these books like King & King?"
Guest- "Well, first of all, public schools aren't a forum for parents to try to dictate cirriculum."

O stares, stunned, and tries to digest this.

O to his guest-"What's your nationality?"
Guest- "I happen to be Jewish."
O-"OK, you're Jewish, I'm Irish. That's who I am, that's my identity, my bloodline. But why talk about what people do? Why put that on the same level?"

The issue here, of course, is that O'Reilly's definition of identity is extremely narrow. People identify themselves according to all sorts of different criteria- and frankly, classifying people by what they do, especially in terms of history, is by no means new. You study all the US Presidents, right? They're studied based on what they DID- a specific occupation. You don't study Garfield because he was left-handed. Identity (and significance) are measured by more than just genetics. (With all apologies to Disabled groups who like pointing to folks like FDR as "a famous differently-abled dude".)

On the other hand, using this argument, you might go on to critique the whole idea of identity studies, identity history, etc... and that might be a legitimate discussion. But if you're going to say "Irishness" and "Blackness" are legitimate identities, you have to recognize that for a lot of people, "Queerness" is also an identity- if you have an issue with Black and Irish history month, and I think there are legitimate points to be made there, than that's one thing- but you can't have Black History month and then bitch when the gays want to write about their famous people, too.

And who heard of Irish history month, anyway? Is this another public school thing I missed out on?

For the curious, here's a list of some people LGBT history month might- heaven forbid- teach kids about. Not Michaelangelo, Tchaikovsky and Jane Addams! Think of the children!!

(Oh, and apparently this isn't the first time Bill's gone after "King-Squared", which, for the curious among you, resulted in a sequel.)

Rich Lowry almost makes a point

From Natl Review.

What does Cromwell’s rule have to do with contemporary American political life? If your answer is anything other than “nothing,” you are probably in the grip of the “theo-panic” that is sweeping precincts of the American commentariat. They warn that America is beset by raging theocrats seeking to overturn our liberal democracy.

The theocracy charge relies mainly on blowing Christian conservative positions out of proportion. Do Christian conservatives oppose the public funding of embryo-destructive stem-cell research? Well, then, Calvin’s Geneva can’t be far behind. Never mind that in opposing such funding, they are usually supporting the status quo. It’s a little like saying that because Democrats oppose cuts in Medicaid, they favor a dictatorship of the proletariat.

Rich has a point here. He really does. Alarmism is stupid, dishonest, and politically opportunistic, and sad to say, everybody does it.

On the other hand, I'm not sure he doesn't go too far in the other direction in downplaying the theocratic wing of the Christian conservative movement. I have little question that a majority of Christian conservatives, rank-and-file as well as leadership, are pragmatic and relatively realistic, who don't actually think that voting a certain way on a ballot is going to make Jesus show up or, alternately, smite their neighborhood with a hurricane.

I agree, it is unfair to conflate a certain political position with a grandiose end-game like theocracy or Communist totalitarianism. But it is also dishonest to whitewash the fact that some Christian conservative leaders, such as Pat Robertson and Jerry Falwell, have gone on record explicitly saying that they want to change American society. Sorry, saying "only Christians and Jews should be allowed to be in government" is actually a departure from the "status-quo".

Purveyors of the theo-panic love to exaggerate the influence of the bizarre Christian Reconstructionists who actually want an American theocracy. As New York Times religion writer Peter Steinfels notes in a review of the spate of new books, Christian Reconstructionists play “a greater role in the writings of the religious right’s critics than they ever have in the wider evangelical world.” He notes that the flagship evangelical journal, Christianity Today, almost never shows up in these books, because, inconveniently, it is “moderate, reflective and self-questioning.”

National Review senior editor Ramesh Ponnuru has pointed out that you can take all Christian conservative positions — including far-fetched ones like banning sodomy and contraception — and if they happened overnight they “would merely turn the clock back to the late 1950s. That may be a very bad idea, but the America of the 1950s was not a theocracy.”

No, now you're conflating positions- just as not all Christian conservatives are Christian Reconstructionists, so too, not all Christian conservatives hold positions as harmless as the Cleavers. First of all, 1950s America was not that great- you had anti-miscegenation laws, Jim Crow, McCarthyism and Black Listing, homosexuality being defined as a mental disorder, etc...

Second, there's the issue that contemporary American society is so significantly different (particularly as regards people and groups that don't or wouldn't have fit in with the ideal-1950s society) than it was in the 50s that attempts to turn back the clock to that period would require a MAJOR degree of coercion, both from government and civilian peers, in order to enforce it. No one's suggesting that the 1950s was the same as contemporary Iran, but it's BS to pretend like that sort of society didn't exist without certain people imposing that lifestyle and worldview on others- and it would be all the more so in order to obtain a similar situation today. Forcing school prayer, for instance, would definitely qualify as a theocratic act today, because you have a much larger percentage of people, including children, who identify as atheists, than did in the 1950s.

So, yeah. Xian Recons don't just want the 1950s, and imposing the 50s on the rest of us wouldn't be very cool, either.

What is it about Russians and gays?

Ah, the Russian Orthodox- so like us.

Over the last 18 months, Sacramento Russian-language church members have picketed gay pride events, jammed into legislative committee meetings when gay issues were on the agenda and demonstrated at school board meetings.

Incited by firebrand Russian Pentacostal pastors and polemical Russian-language newspapers, the fundamentalists turn out en masse for state Capitol protest rallies.

Last June, urging readers to attend a massive rally, the Russian newspaper the Speaker told them:

"Make a choice. It's your decision. Homosexuality is knocking on your doors and asking: 'Can I make your son gay and your daughter lesbian?' "

No, really.

The resignation of a longtime leader of one of the largest Reform congregations in Ukraine has thrown the spotlight on a bitter controversy over homosexuality within the post-Soviet Reform movement.

...While Ukrainian Reform leaders cite Kapustin's age and health concerns as reasons for his resignation, Kapustin said his resignation stemmed from his opposition to the movement's acceptance of same-sex commitment ceremonies.

"I don't want to participate in a movement that has organized a chuppah for lesbians, which happened in Moscow this year," Kapustin said.

He was referring to Rabbi Nelly Shulman, who officiated at an April 2 commitment ceremony for a lesbian couple. It is believed to be the first Jewish, same-sex commitment ceremony in the former Soviet Union.

A strong backlash greeted the move by Shulman, who insisted she officiated at the ceremony on her own private initiative and was not backed in any way by her group, OROSIR, the umbrella organization of Reform Judaism in Russia.

In a strongly worded statement, the Chabad-led Federation of Jewish Communities, the largest stream in the former Soviet Union, urged a boycott of the Reform movement. There were also repercussions within the Progressive movement, as Reform Judaism is referred to in the region.

Chabad doesn't like Reform Jews? NOOOO!

In late April, Zinovy Kogan resigned as chairman of the movement's Moscow-based umbrella group. In August, a Reform congregation in the Ukrainian town of Pavlograd wrote to all Reform synagogues in the country, urging them to "renounce all religious contacts with the people who committed that crime," a reference to the lesbian ceremony.

Responding to the wave of criticism from their communities, the six Reform rabbis working in Ukraine, Russia and Belarus have agreed to ban such ceremonies for the time being, saying that post-Soviet citizens, including Jews, are not yet prepared to accept the Reform movement's liberal approach to homosexuality.

Homosexuality was only decriminalized after the fall of the Soviet Union 15 years ago. According to a recent poll, 37 percent of Russians still believe gays and lesbians should be criminally prosecuted.

Well, at least Russian Christians and Jews can agree on something. Kind of reminds me of this.

Na Na, Na Na, Na Na, Na Na, Na Na, Na Na, Na Na, Na Na, Tzinus!

Blacks to the back of the bus. Well, "black" women, anyway.

Every year before Rosh Hashonoh the editorial board of the Hebrew Yated Ne'eman pays a visit to Maran HaRav Yosef Sholom Eliashiv shlita, who closely oversees and guides the newspaper throughout the year, setting aside valuable time to issue instructions, answer questions posed by the rabbonim of the Vaada Ruchanit.

This is usually when we beg him to not ban us.

At this year's visit as well, the members of the editorial board sensed his concern for the paper and the importance he attaches to it as the mouthpiece of Torah-true Jewry — a shofar calling for unadulterated truth.

A menorah to illuminate the dark corners of the universe, a grogger to drive away the evil spirits of the Englightenment, a tallis to cover up sex scandals, a... well, you get the point.

During the course of the conversation HaRav Eliashiv shared his concern over the present and future of the Bais Yaakov system, mentioning the Education Ministry's pressure to require a third year of studies for seminary students. During the past year Maran issued instructions to stand firm against the decree...

More education? What gives? Teacher's don't need education, man! It's not like a butcher or a mohel.

Still HaRav Eliashiv said the matter of continuation courses for Bais Yaakov teachers must be rectified. "It is unconscionable for future teachers of girls to take all sorts of advanced courses when there is no oversight or guidance by gedolei Yisroel over every last detail regarding what is taught and what is not taught. Without oversight and setting the study arrangements and curriculum, heretical material is liable to make its way in. How can somebody who absorbs these kinds of studies then teach bnos Yisroel?" said Maran with deep concern. He also said he does not know how this has gone on unchecked for so many years.

Yeah! In fact, why do we even bother teaching them the same alphabet? Back in the old country, women didn't even get taught Hebrew, only Yiddish! I know, let's make them take all their courses in Esperanto (phonetically printed into Chinese). That ought to keep them cloistered!

According to the Education Ministry, teachers who have passed their courses are better qualified to teach, added Maran, but we should see this in a totally different light. He said every teacher who has taken or takes advanced courses under the current circumstances is actually at a lower rank in terms of her ability to teach at Bais Yaakov and therefore school principals and parents should give preference to teachers who have not taken these courses.

Brilliant. It's just like I was telling my friend David Hasselhoff- you think that getting lifeguard certification makes you qualified to swim, but it actually makes you less qualified to swim. And why? Because I just said so, bitch, and it's my newspaper. Besides, swimming is stupid, just like higher education.

Oh, incidentally, Yated- there was nothing about buses in this article. Freudian slip, maybe? Sorry, sorry- I know, he was an apikores. Hmm... 'Eliashivian' just sounds silly... oh well, I'll work on it and get back to you.

The new tznius-war isn't just over the minds of haredi women, but also their bodies. Haaretz reported on a one-man Haredi "Vice and Virtue Squad" which Emes Ve-Emunah rightly identifies as downright Taliban-esque.

Why can’t these people just get a life? Why do they need to interfere in the lives of others? Why, according to him and those rabbinic leaders whom he represents, must we seek to live like the Taliban? And why should our precious resources be wasted on this nonsense?

Because that's when the wars start, silly! (Incidentally, how do we know the Hezbollah war didn't happen because of Tel Aviv bikini-wearers? Where's Lazer when you need him?)

Oh, speaking of good laughs from Yated-

Torah Judaism Embraces Both Faith and Reason

It sure does. Too bad Rav Eliashiv doesn't.

Thus, in describing his purpose in presenting a series of television programs (on PBS, entitled "Bill Moyers on Faith and Reason," which we read about), Bill Moyers describes "the tug of war between reason and faith."

Uh huh. They "read" about a freethinking goyish reporter talking about his TV show, and thought they'd just share it with their readership? SUUUURE. These guys better watch out that somebody doesn't send the Jew-liban to search their house.

Let the self-congratulation begin

Go Israel! Let's hear it for finally striking a blow for world Jewry! Boo-ya!

What, you didn't hear? Oh, it's nothing major, just some Jewish philanthropies and the Israeli govt. finally did something right for a change. That's right, they saw a problem and fixed it. Not since "Operation Solomon" have we seen something as monumental as this.

Really, you didn't know about this?

Israel pats itself on the back until it bleeds

Jewish Agency rescues two Torah scrolls from abandoned aliyah center in Ethiopia

Two torah scrolls, which the Jewish Agency secretly snatched from a center for Ethiopians awaiting aliyah in Addis Ababa, arrived in Israel Thursday.

Jewish-American organization Nacoej took the initiative to bring the torah scrolls to Israel. The organization, which owned the center in Addis Ababa, closed it on Tuesday, and put it in the hands of other groups, one of which was “Jews for Jesus”.

Nacoej asked the Jewish Agency to save the two scrolls which were used in the past for prayers in the center, for fear that they would fall into the hands of missionaries.
The two scrolls were saved in a coordinated operation involving the Addis Ababa police, since the non-Jewish inhabitants of the center insisted on not giving them up.

A Jewish Agency envoy, Uri Conforti, arrived in Israel Thursday along with the scrolls. He said, “I was on vacation in Israel when we received the information that the aliyah center was being abandoned and put in the hands of the Ethiopians.”

“I immediately got on the first plane out with a legal document in hand giving me the authority to enter the center and take the torah scrolls,” he continued.

Addis Ababa police and Israeli embassy guards escorted Conforti in order to prevent unexpected problems. “There was a fear that other groups would take over the scrolls,” he said.

Conforti said it was a quick and almost problem free operation. Once inside the center, those present told Conforti they did not have a key and asked him to come later, but he insisted on taking the scrolls right then. “Within five minutes we broke the lock and took the books,” he said.

Jewish Agency Chairman Zeev Bielski pointed out that saving the two scrolls on Simchat Torah eve was symbolic of the verse, “And out of Zion shall come the Torah”.

That's right, the Jewish Agency broke into an absorption center and stole Torah scrolls, just as psuedo-Christians were about to get their grubby mits on them. What a mitzvah!

And what about the Ethiopian Jews? Oh. Well, they're still there. 26,000 as of February, actually. But, you know, who cares about them. Simchat Torah is about saving the TORAH. We only care about saving Jews on those "other" holidays, like Passover and Hanukkah.

What should we call this grand episode in Israeli history? "Operation Solomon's left shoe?"

Don't get me wrong, "saving" Torahs is a wonderful thing. But to see the JA congratulating itself for raiding this place (why not use the police you were "working with"? Is this the JA's job?) and to have it being presented as a VICTORY for the Jews (the Jews who have managed to get to Israel, maybe) is ridiculous. Hooray, we got two Torahs out of the hellhole that is Ethiopia. Now the Beta Israel still there have no absorption center, two less Torahs, and oh yeah, an even worse relationship with their non-Jewish peers. Not to mention what a great Kiddush Hashem this is for the Jewish Agency, I mean, Torah Rescue Squad. Look out, that rabbi's yarmulke looks like it isn't shatnez! Let's steal his stuff. On the other hand, let's be real- what were a bunch of mere Ethiopians going to do with Torah scrolls in the first place? After all, they aren't even "real Jews", according to the Chief Rabbinate. The smart thing to do would be to steal all of their Torahs and ship them to Israel. And maybe some menorahs if they've got any laying around (come on now, how are goyim going to be able to enjoy them as much as Jewish pyros?)

Hey, maybe this should be the JA's new job. They could start breaking into Reform and Reconstructionist synagogues. They're all basically as bad as J4J anyway, right? What about Chabad? The Karaites? Come on people, think! I'm sure there are tons of tiny Jewish fringe groups out there with stuff we could "liberate"!

Oh, and speaking of people convinced they can do no wrong, haredim are blaming gays for the Lebanon War again.

Haredim: J’lem gay parade may lead to another war

Thousands of ultra-Orthodox protest at Jerusalem’s Sabbath Square against holding of 2006 Gay Pride Parade in city; ‘war in Lebanon broke out as soon as the parade was announced,’ haredi man says. Head of Eda Haredit rabbinic court: We did not succeed in Lebanon due to promiscuity in Holy Land

Ok, actually, it seems like they're blaming them for a bunch of things. Some guys are saying the Jerusalem gay parade (which didn't occur) caused the war. Others say that the parade (which didn't occur) caused the war to go poorly. And still others say the parade (which might actually happen now) will cause a FUTURE war should it actually take place!

Brilliant, really. Now these guys know how to cover their bases! "If there's violence next week, it's your fault. And if it's hard to put down, that's your fault, too." After all, we're talking about Israel here. That's like saying it's gay people's fault if it's hot tomorrow.

Oh and it's even better than I thought- not only the haredim are doing this, but also Kahane's storm-yidden! Awesome! And what reasoned statement do we have from Baruch "Kach doesn't exist, I'm just a peaceful activist" Marzel?

Marzel declares 'holy war' against gay parade

Thanks for coming out, Baruch. And may I say, what a lovely turban you're wearing. You look positively Rambam-esque.

P.S.
Speaking of congratulations, many thank yous to Joel for his assistance with the html. You get as many aliyot as you want. Also one of those cool cantor hats, if I can find one.

Just plain weird

Nothing to add.

Provocative p. 2

IDF- The I doesn't stand for Intelligence.

Police Arrest 10 settler youths attacking 3 Palestinian Farmers

Police arrived on the scene and arrested 10 suspects. A search revealed the young settlers were carrying a knife, two saws, two hammers, a hoe and brass knuckles.

What, they were clearly on their way to build an extra sukkah out of olive trees! You know, in the spirit of peace and ecumenicalism.

But yeah, protective escorts, that'd be just tooooo provocative. Brilliant.

Zion Oil, part 2

It's worse than we thought: Apparently the Israeli govt. has signed on with these numbskulls. This from 2005:

What is unique now is that the scientists behind Zion Oil have come to the conclusion, through extensive research, that there might be a large commercial oil reserve 14,000 feet (4200 meters) under Israel proper with estimated reserves of 330 million to 2 billion barrels. At the current rate of consumption, this would satisfy aggregate oil demand for the entire country for 3.5 years at a minimum, to 20 years maximum. This is quite a substantial improvement over what the country has now. As most large energy financial concerns are heavily entrenched in other areas of the Middle East, Zion Oil found outside investors with similar cultural interest in Israel; which probably means that their money comes from religious causes, both Christian and Jewish (yes, religious causes invest their money, so don’t be fooled by the .org).

Blessed with financial backing and science, the Israeli government has granted Zion Oil drilling rights for the next 30 years over 200 square kilometers in the area around Pardes Hana – Karkur, from the Green line to the sea. The site, Meged, is the first with true commercial potential on the international arena, and would easily be connected to the two large scale refineries, in Haifa and Ashdod.

Now, is it in Israel's interest to find oil? Sure. Do they have anything practical to lose from letting the Zion Oil winguts drill there? No. But this is just another step in a long history of the Israelis basically letting evangelical Christians ride roughshod over them in the name of a condescending faux-ecumenicalism and in exchange for big bucks (or in this case, moderate-sized bucks and the potential for major bucks).

Why does Israel continue to be for sale? Who in the government actually told the Finance Ministry or the Mining Ministry or whoever, "yeah, go meet with the guys who want to drill on Joseph's Head"?? And what's this "extensive research" line? I thought all the research from this came from John Brown skimming Deuteronomy and not knowing Hebrew.

For the curious, incidentally, it's now been three years, going on four, since Zion Oil was incorportated. They claimed back in April that they had "totally" found oil (or possibly kerosene), but it still seems to be coming along very slowly- i.e., not really at all. This quote was nice:

"There is a number (quantifying how much oil the company thinks it will find), and when I see that number, I want to tell it to the world," John M. Brown told UPI.

Hmm, I guess that means they still haven't found any.

In a 2004 article in the Oil & Gas Journal, geologist Stephen Pierce wrote about the prospects for Zion's license, concluding: "Zion has a strong probability of making a significant discovery of some 484 million barrels of oil."

Israel depends on fossil fuels for much of its energy needs. It imports all of its oil and in 2003 bought 270,000 barrels per day, according to the U.S. Energy Department's Energy Information Administration.

At the time of his assessment, Pierce was not affiliated with the company, and the assessment was his own. Since then, Pierce, also an evangelical Christian, has served as a consulting geologist for Zion.

In light of predictions like that, Brown expressed disappointment at the lack of black geysers.

"I expected the oil to be flowing -- thousands of barrels of it ... while I understand what (Perry) and the scientists are saying, it's still not flowing," Brown said.

"Success is when oil's flowing out and helping Israel, and anything less is unacceptable," Brown said.

Ah, schadenfreude. Tastes so good it must be fattening.

P.S. This annoyed me:

He consulted pastors and rabbis to check his interpretation of the text, and geologists and industry experts to check the science.

A friend who reads Hebrew told me that olive oil and petroleum are two distinctly different words. Can anyone in the Jblogosphere with access to Deut. check this? Are these rabbis full of it?

A College Stoner's wet dream

Blame Canada

Canadian troops fighting Taliban militants in Afghanistan have stumbled across an unexpected and potent enemy -- almost impenetrable forests of marijuana plants 10 feet tall.

General Rick Hillier, chief of the Canadian defense staff, said Thursday that Taliban fighters were using the forests as cover. In response, the crew of at least one armored car had camouflaged their vehicle with marijuana.

Those brilliant, high-as-a-kite, bastards. Oh, troops, I meant to tell you, next week, Corporal Johnson is going to be teaching the squad how to make body armor out of hemp.

"The challenge is that marijuana plants absorb energy, heat very readily. It's very difficult to penetrate with thermal devices. ... And as a result you really have to be careful that the Taliban don't dodge in and out of those marijuana forests," he said in a speech in Ottawa, Canada.

Admit it, General, did you ever in a million years think you'd be saying that sentence one day?

"We tried burning them with white phosphorous -- it didn't work. We tried burning them with diesel -- it didn't work. The plants are so full of water right now ... that we simply couldn't burn them," he said.

I'm sure there are some philosophy majors in a quad somewhere who'd be happy to help you out.

Even successful incineration had its drawbacks.

"A couple of brown plants on the edges of some of those [forests] did catch on fire. But a section of soldiers that was downwind from that had some ill effects and decided that was probably not the right course of action," Hiller said dryly.

One soldier told him later: "Sir, three years ago before I joined the army, I never thought I'd say 'That damn marijuana'."

If I was the Taliban, this is the point at which I'd set off my gigantic roadside bomb. But I guess the Taliban aren't much with the advanced strategy. Then again, it doesn't look like it's hurting them.

Pot Forests for everyone! Hamas, you're up.

Frustration and remenisces

Lately I've been very frustrated by a project I've been working on. It's been taking me forever and I've been getting more and more anxious and depressed as its dragged on and on. It's not that I'm not used to working hard; it's that to work so hard and get such minimal results is so demoralizing. It makes me feel downright stupid, which I haven't felt in a long while. It doesn't feel particularly good.

When I was in the eighth grade, we read The Chosen for English class. I loved the book and couldn't put it down; I finished it in two days. I was electrified, and not just because I was into Jews, beards and Brooklyn. I also related to the feeling of cloisteredness and confinement that the Hasidic boy was straining against.

I didn't go to a yeshiva, but the isolation I felt from my school was very similar. I attended a small private school that ran from Kindergarten through High School. The school's big draw was its bilingualism, immersing American kids in a European language that was next to useless for everyday purposes. I'll call it the Swedish School. I had been sent there straight from preschool, and stayed for nine years.

I had been precocious as a child, and had been identified as "gifted" at three. I taught myself to read and liked to learn. If I had been at another school, things might have been different...

My parents were called into school one day, summoned by my Kindergarten teacher. She was angry and confused. "I caught him doing this as we were making our letters!" she shrieked. She pretended to hold a pen in her right hand and cupped it with her left. I had apparently been pushing my writing hand along, as someone might have used a two-handed broadsword to slay a particularly nasty dragon. When she had confronted me and asked me what I was doing, I had apparently nonchalantly replied, "This is how I write."

But that wouldn't do. I had to make my letters in "nice, pretty" cursive, just like everyone else. It made no difference that my letters always came out shaky, or that I could never remember which capital letters were which- I confused Ts and Ss endlessly, and from third grade onward, defiantly wrote my capitals in print, accepting the check marks I would receive as punishment. I was a doomed perfectionist, and would spend hours at the kitchen table, tearfully trying to make my assignments look the way they were supposed to, already knowing what my teachers would say, seeing the mistakes I was making but unable to do anything about them.

No one knew what learning disabilities were. We thought "dislexia" was some horrible disease, since no one who ever found out they had it stayed at the school very long afterward. It wasn't just that the teachers (American and Swedish) didn't know how to deal with "different" kids. Many of them also didn't care, and some were even deliberately cruel. My handwriting never improved, and the faster I had to write notes, the worse it became. I could either write legibly, or quickly. Never both. I had teachers hand me back assignments in class, dropping them to the floor and declaring, "I can't read that chicken scratch. Do it over." I had a math teacher who regularly announced that the class "should be ashamed" for its low test scores. She once commented after handing back a quiz that she was amazed I could tie my shoes.

I became used to feeling bad about myself for long hours every day. Eventually I became numb to it, lost in a cloud of miserableness. Having almost every subject taught in both Swedish and English didn't help (I didn't learn a lick of U.S. history until eighth grade, though I knew a fair amount about European geography and the incestuous family trees of half-a-dozen royal lineages).

It wasn't all bad. There were a few teachers who really understood me, and they meant the world to me. They kept me going for the last three years, they reminded me that there were still things I was good at. Eventually I got a "learning disability" coach, who became another liferaft- she fought for me against the teachers and administration. When it got really bad, she would sit down with me. "I can't believe they keep sending you here," she'd whisper. "You'd be an honor student anywhere else."

I thought she was crazy. I had never gotten above a B-minus in math (in any language), and had been getting straight Ds for a year. English and history were fine, and Swedish and Swedish history were decent (I had stopped being graded exclusively on penmanship). And then there was Chinese. The school demanded that you choose a third language in the sixth grade (not counting Latin, which was mandatory for one semester, taught in Swedish). For reasons still unclear to me, I chose Chinese- which, given my horrible aptitude for short-term memory, auditory processing, and handwriting, was a recipie for disaster. I forgot how to write my name on the final- but the teacher had known I was trying, so I got a B.

Eighth grade was the year I broke away. It started with me telling my parents I wanted to quit Chinese. I was seeing a tutor multiple times a week and my grades in every other class were suffering. They knew I was trying, I just wasn't suceeding.

My mother met with the principal:

"Friar wants to drop Chinese."
"He can't!"
"Why not?"
"Then the other children will want to quit their third languages too, just because they're failing them!"

It was like a bad joke. My mother continued.

"So what should he do?"
"Well, I have a suggestion. He should stick with it for one more year, and then, who knows? He might not even decide to come here for High School?"

My mother stood up and walked out. The next day I quit the class and applied to high schools. At that time the Swedish school automatically accepted graduates from the Middle School to the High School. Out of 40 children, only 15 applied out. To do so was viewed as a betrayal. I was chastized in class by teachers who demanded to know why I had missed tests.

"I was interviewing at another school."

I was scared shitless. I had spent most of my life in that place, and had no idea what I would find outside it. All my friends were there, almost everyone I knew was connected with it. But I also knew I would be miserable if I had stayed. So I left, and never regretted it. It turns out I did become an honor student after all.

But I've never forgotten the humiliation of feeling stupid, the fear that people would figure out I didn't know something. It followed me in college, it followed me to the workplace, and to personal interactions as well. I've become better at recognizing when I'm having trouble and asking people to repeat things or explain something differently, but every once in a while, like an old injury, it flares up.

This is why I'm becoming a teacher, and, among other things, why The Chosen is one of my favorite books. I knew what it was like to feel lost, trapped by the same community that gave you comfort, holding on to the only thing you knew and terrfied of leaving it. I knew Danny Saunders. I was him.

tech support

I changed the dimensions of the template a little so the previous post could be read properly- can someone proficient in html help me move the stupid gray line so it hugs the edge of the post again? (Ditto for those two crescents nipping into the top margin.)

When my new (and improved) Sanhedrin takes its rightful place (first seven rows) in the Fourth Temple (we split from the Third), you will receive as many aliyot as you want. Kohen Gadol's Honor.

Weird Al's got nothing on me

(To the melody of "Under the Sea", and all apologies to Little Mermaid fans and Chabad. I guess.)

Up in Crown Heights

The rebbe always looks hotter,
When he isn’t really there,
You wanted to marry his daughter,
God didn’t answer that prayer.
And that was just too bad now,
It left an uncertain fate,
And all because the Rebbe
Was too good to procreate!

Up in Crown Heights,
Up in Crown Heights,
A bunch of Hasidim,
Think they’re such pure Yidden,
And get into fights!
Some of the Yechis are a delight,
But are they really doing Yiddishkeit?
Are they a cult,
What will be the result,
Up in Crown Heights?

Down here the Yidden are happy,
As they receive their welfare checks,
Yidden in Crown Heights ain’t happy,
‘Cause rebbe won’t resurrect.
But Yidden in Crown Heights are lucky,
Things really ain’t so bad,
When Moshiach turns out to be Shabbetai,
We all gon’ to be so sad!

Up in Crown Heights,
Up in Crown Heights,
They say they’re great,
They make us irate,
So we punch out their lights!
Every year they get a big Hanukkah light,
Over at Chabad they burn so bright,
They think they’ll go so far,
Not as cool as Satmar,
Up in Crown Heights
Up in Crown Heights
They got their menorahs
And also fedoras
Lookin’ so tight!
Even Yosef and Eliyahu,
Agree Schneerson was a pretty cool Jew
The people would holler
When he handed out dollars
Up in Crown Heights

The sofer makes a mark,
The chazzan sounds a note,
The boys in cheder,
They all learn by rote.
The shochet kills fowls,
The rebbetzin scowls,
The mohel gets a tip!
(Yeah)
The shammes he sweeps,
Tzedaka he keeps,
He hopes no one sees,
The change that he reaps,
They say the Yechi,
We eat treif in Monsey,
But at least we’re not Reform.

Up in Crown Heights,
Up in Crown Heights,
Nothing’s as nice,
As Jews with some spice,
And really nice tights!
Yes, while Bobov’s full of despair,
Chabad prays to an empty chair,
If they had a leader,
He’d stand tall as a cedar,
And they’d reunite!
All the wives’ schmattes,
Bring their husbands such naches,
Up in Crown Heights
Things work with such ease,
When the rebbe’s deceased,
Don’t confuse them with Skver,
Or they’ll cut off your hair,
Yeah I’m telling you,
It don’t pay to screw,
With those guys in Crown Heights!

This is what I do with my time

Made up on the spot on Rosh Hashanah with a friend in shul:

Avinu Volcano,
I went to a volcano,
Avinu volcano,
Volcano, Volcano,
And I dropped my sandwich in,

Oh why, oh whyyyy,
Oh why did I bring my,
Oh why, oh why, did I bring my
Sandwich to a volcano?

Avinu volcano...
Sandwhich in the volcano,
Avinu volcano,
Tomato and mayo,
Deli and rye bread...

The best part is that the friend and his mother (who came for Yom Kippur) are still singing it. Grin

That was fast

Yes, calling people names is hurtful. We all learned this in first grade. That said, this is still pretty funny (in a really sad way):

A Democratic congressional campaign forced out a field worker after she referred to Sen. George Allen (R-Va.) as “Macacawitz.”

Meryl Ibis, an organizer for the campaign of Al Weed, a Virginia Democrat running for the U.S. House of Representatives, quit the campaign Wednesday after she sent an e-mail to supporters asking them to protest “George ‘Macacawitz’ Allen” at a Republican rally in Danville, Va.

Allen has come under fire for calling an Indian American activist for his opponent “Macaca,” which some took as an ethnic slur, and for concealing his mother’s Jewish origins. Allen’s campaign called the e-mail anti-Semitic.

More:

The term "Macacawitz" is an apparent reference to Allen's use of the word "macaca" and the recent discovery that he has Jewish heritage.

...Dick Wadhams, Allen's campaign manager, said Ibis's e-mail "fits a pattern of anti-Semitic behavior" by Democrats. Wadhams said Allen's opponent, Democrat James Webb, should be held accountable for Ibis's e-mail because she also was one of his volunteer organizers.

Oh go suck an etrog.

Well, they sure jumped on that train fast, didn't he? Deny, deny, deny, hey, I can nail you for this! Zing! Thanks for keeping the tradition of abusing the A-S alarm alive, George (or is it Gershon now?)

Political opportunism: it's the American way.

Hat-tip: Jewschool.

Kapporos mishegoss continued

I was discussing kapporos with a non-Jewish friend the other day:

Me: so you swing the chicken around.
Her: right...
Me: And you transfer your sins to it.
Her: What?
Me: I know, I know.

Her: How the Hell does that work?
Me: I don't know if they explain it all that well.
Her: Could you transfer your sins to something else, like a guinea pig? Or a vegetable?
Me: I think it's supposed to be an animal, except of course when you just subsitute money. Anyway, then they slaughter it and you give the meat to a poor family.
Her: WHAT? Why would a poor family want to eat your sin-filled chicken?

She has a point. No one wants a chicken with SARS or bird flu, but someone else's sins are somehow supposed to taste great with matzoh balls? And why a chicken? And why do women need to use hens, and men roosters?

Incidentally, this Village Voice piece had a comment that made me wonder: " Sacrificial birds sell for between $8 and $10, but it's not uncommon to spend up to $100 each. The money goes to charity."

Charity's great, but what's with this bizarre oneupmanship thing? A similar thing happens during Sukkot, where some people seem almost desparate to get the best lulav and etrog. (There was a great example of this in Ushpizin, which taught us the valuable lesson that if you're totally destitute and about to be evicted, and somehow you miraculously get some money, you should immediately go out and buy a 200-dollar etrog.)

Or am I just imagining this?

Provocative

Ok, maybe I'm just thick, but here's a question:

What's more provocative?

A- Jewish settlers attacking Palestinian farmers and preventing them from harvesting fruits on their own land, an act which serves no purpose other than making the settlers feel big and the Palestinians feel humiliated, and which makes the Jews look bad in the process; or

B- Left-wing (presumably) Israeli activists peacefully escorting said farmers to their fields and acting as human shields to protect them from the afore-mentioned vikings settlers.

Well, the IDF says B, and as we all know, the army is always right.

The Israel Defense Forces is demanding that Palestinian farmers not allow Israeli and foreign sympathizers to escort them during the olive harvest to places where military protection is needed against abusive settlers, Palestinian sources in the Nablus region told Haaretz. An Israeli security source confirmed the report, saying that IDF officers have been influenced by statements of settlers, who say they are enraged during the harvest by the presence of Israeli leftists who act as provocateurs. A 2005 memo to soldiers from the Civil Administration regarding the olive-picking season states: "Involvement of various entities, Israeli and foreign, is expected, as an 'aid' to the Palestinians in the harvest and as a motive for creating provocations."

In what ways are the lefties provocateurs? The only theory I can come up with for that interpretation is if you start with the assumption that the settlers have the God-given right to smash Palestinian trees and the occaisonal skull. Now, I don't happen to know what verse that's from, but if the good salt-of-the-dune folks over in Itamar say God gave them the ok, I guess I'll have to take their word for it. It's funny, though, God seems to have said the same thing to a bunch of other folks, too (Inquisition, Cossacks, KKK).

Oh, God, you umpteen-timing whore. And here we thought you only whispered sweet nothings into our collective ear. Where's a daytime talk show host when you need them?

No no no no no!

In case there was any doubt that IKEA had to be stopped...

IKEA is continuing its assault on the religious sector in
Israel. In the next few days, the company is planning to open a synagogue inside
their furniture store in Netanya. The purpose: To attract more shoppers from the
religious sector. The company's management said in reaction that IKEA has many
religious employees as well as visitors, and it was built to give an answer to
their needs.

I'd be interested in hearing about some other businesses that do this. I don't remember hearing that, for instance, Agriprocessors in Postville has a shul in their workplace. What about the diamond industry? Lots of Jews there. And is this common for businesses in Israel? Does Israeli Wal-mart have this?

Using this logic, we should start setting up synagogues anywhere frum Jews are likely to spend a lot of time. Gas stations, dry cleaners', kosher Chinese restaurants...

All I'm saying is it's a slippery (and stupid) slope. People shouldn't be going to services inside a furniture store.

Idolatry?

First, a disclaimer: Yes, I understand why the Western wall is important to millions of Jews (and Muslims, apparently). The temples, yada-yada, fine.

But this is just ridiculous:

The Kotel Hakatan came to public attention in 1972. The Jerusalem municipality temporarily stopped work undertaken by the Religious Affairs Ministry in the Western Wall tunnel, after it severely compromised the structural safety of one of the Arab houses close to the Iron Gate, one of the entrance gates to the Temple Mount compound.

The house became cracked and its residents and their neighbors who lived above the excavation area feared that their houses would meet the same fate as those of the Mugrabi neighborhood, which were destroyed in the construction of the Western Wall's plaza. The initial proposal to declare the house dangerous and wreck it as a public hazard was blocked by the municipality. A city engineer, acting on the mayor's orders, tried to save the building, but his men were very reckless. The city workers drilled four holes in the wall adjacent to the house (the Kotel Hakatan) to provide bar supports for the house.

The country was in an uproar. The drilled wall was the northern segment of the Western Wall. The distance of the drilling from the famous Western Wall, and the fact that it was an innocent mistake did nothing to stop the storm. The Orthodox and religious sector considered the mistake to be a sacrilege. The then chief rabbi, Yitzhak Nissim, conducted a protest prayer service at the site. The rabbi of the Western Wall collected the fragments of the drilled stones and presented them to the congregation in glass jars in the Western Wall Plaza. Dust from the drilling was collected in vases for safekeeping.

The Muslim religious leadership was also concerned, for completely different reasons. In late Muslim tradition, the Prophet Mohammed tied his steed to the Western Wall on his night journey from Mecca to Jerusalem. The then mufti of Jerusalem suggested summoning Muslim clerics to the Kotel Hakatan to plug the holes with their own hands.

I'm sorry, but it's a freaking WALL! And it's not even the IMPORTANT wall for Jews, because it's really just the retaining wall of the guy who built his temple AROUND the original temple! The original mountain is still there, and the temples are long-gone- stop worshipping bricks! It's just silly!

Not to vastly oversimplify everything, but might this sort of logic be part of why people are still killing each other over there? Land's sacred, sand's sacred, walls are sacred, even dust is sacred, apparently- and no, the dust is rightfully mine, for as it says in the Torah, "thou shalt sweep up my holy dust and deposit in a vase, and if no vase can be found, thou shalt use a coffee can, but not before washing it thoroughly. Thus sayeth the Lord." So, you know, piss off, Khalid.

Seriously, collecting dust from the Kotel? Are you guys nuts? I mean, at least the Chabadniks worship Schneerson's actual chair. Jesus.

Wingnuts, part 2

Anyone ever hear of Zion Oil? No? Then have I got a story for you, courtesy of a 2 and a half year-old Hal Lindsey column. (For the benefit of the ADD-afflicted, I'll paraphrase the boring parts:)

Once there was a small nation named Israel. Israel had a lot of problems- its people kept worshipping idols and had trouble staying in line with what its priests God wanted, so every once in a while the priests had to slap the people around a little. Sometimes they used special people called judges to help defend them against outside enemies. Sometimes they used kings. And sometimes the Israelites just got their butts kicked.

Eventually, the second kingdom of Israel came around, and there were still problems. One group that liked to hear the sound of its own voice was the prophets, a group of malcontents and holier-than-thous who constantly castigated the Israelites for, well, being jerks. But every once in a while they stopped sniffing their crack pipe and prophesying dire destruction or alien abductions, and would deliver some good news, like, "if you do what we God says (for a change), you'll be prosperous! You'll get nice things like goats, cattle, and other agricultural products! Even olive oil!"

The Israelites liked this. Olive oil, in addition to being yummy, was also somewhat expensive, and generally signified wealth (as it did for many Mediterranean societies).

But then, thousands of years later, a group called the Protestants came around. They decided they didn't need to learn Hebrew (King James' banker was Reform), and that they would come up with their own translation of the Bible, which wasn't very accurate. They also ignored, rejected, and sometimes burned all the Jewish commentary of the Bible they could get their hands on. This made for a very confusing document, but the Protestants didn't mind, particularly as they were too busy killing each other, as well as everyone else, to pay much attention.

Enter Hal Lindsey. Hal, would you care to take it from here?

At just this time of world turmoil being brought about
by OPEC, I believe we are about to witness another one of those miracles
promised to Israel. What if Israel were to strike oil? This certainly would make
them wealthy. More than that, it would change the political balance of power in
the Middle East.

A man named John Brown – without much more than his faith – has put together an oil company and purchased leases in a specific place in Israel. It is a in a location that is very much a part of some important prophecies in the Old Testament. He founded the Zion Oil and Gas Company as the result of studying prophecies God proclaimed to two of the sons of the Patriarch Jacob.

...Joseph is a fruitful bough, a fruitful bough by a spring ... By the God of your father who will help you, And by the Almighty who will bless you with blessings of heaven above, Blessings of the deep that lies beneath ... The blessings of your father have excelled the blessings of my ancestors, up to the utmost bound of the everlasting hills. They shall be on the head of Joseph, and on the crown of the head of him who was separate from his brothers.
– Genesis 49:22, 25- 26

Note that it predicts his great blessing will come from "the deep that lies beneath" his land. And specifically on "crown of his head." The land that was allotted to Joseph's two sons forms the profile of a man's head.

Now listen to another prophecy about the blessing of another of Jacob's sons whose land adjoins Joseph's. Moses proclaimed blessings on Jacob's sons just before he died. He predicted concerning Asher:

Asher is most blessed of sons; let him be favored by his brothers, and let him dip his foot in OIL.– Deuteronomy 33:24

The land allotted to Asher looks like a leg with a foot. Its toe points straight at the crown of Joseph's head.

Zion Oil's leases are directly under where Asher's toe points. Coincidence? If it were anywhere other than Israel, I would say it is merely coincidence. But here we are dealing with a nation of miracles in the crosshairs of God's prophetic Word.

At this moment, Zion Oil and Gas is selling stock in order to finish its first well. It is right in the center of an area that geologically looks promising. I believe the main reason others have failed to find oil is that they did not drill deep enough.

Investment in oil exploration is always a big gamble. But, I believe this is a gamble worth taking for the sake of Israel. Besides, I believe God's Word is giving some pretty good clues here.

Of course, Hal was correct. It wasn't just a coincidence- Mr. Brown had specifically chosen that location after consulting his Bible, and, just like Hal, deciding that "oil" could only refer to crude petroleum. Of course, it's been almost three years now and Zion Oil has yet to strike it rich, but that's probably just due to something else. Maybe God is punishing the board of directors for something, like a lack of faith, or religious bigotry, or nepotism.

Personally, I'm looking forward to when they uncover a major deposit of Quaker State.

P.S. Check out Hal's handy-dandy map. Note the captions.

Wingnuttery in Israel

First, in case anyone wasn't sure the "New Sanhedrin" hadn't already lost its mind, take a look at this:

A group of worshipers, some of them from New Sanhedrin,
a group headed by Rabbi Adin Steinsaltz that sees itself as the successor to the
original Sanhedrin (religious court that ruled ancient Israel), violated Jewish
law by blowing the shofar on Shabbat during Rosh Hashanah services.

Rabbi Akiva Yosef Schlesinger blew the shofar on
Shabbat 101 years ago, but did so almost clandestinely out of fear of
ultra-Orthodox zealots in Jerusalem. Schlesinger was a Zionist Haredi who
believed that blowing the shofar on Shabbat would halt the spread of the pogroms
in Russia.

Let's see, 101 years ago would be 1905. Well, that totally worked. Well done, Kiv-ster! I wonder what the Sanhedrin thought this would cure. Gays? Arabs? Pork products?

One of the people behind Saturday's shofar-blowing was Prof. Hillel Weiss of Elkana, a major figure in the movement to establish a Third Temple in Jerusalem.

The shock, oy.

A press release issued before Rosh Hashanah by the planners
said that, "Now, when we are facing the war of Gog and Magog (the apocalyptic
war described in the Book of Ezekiel), shall we not postpone the decree ... by
sounding the shofar?"

Well, that answers my question. And who wants to bet that the great apocalypse HAS, in fact, been pushed back for at least another year? Who knew?

For those who don't know, the Sanhedrin is the "Council of Sages" that was the governing body of Jews back in ancient Israel. To use a non-Jewish comparison, the "new Sanhedrin" is to the "old Sanhedrin" what New Coke is to Plutonium. I have to say, I'm happy they managed to restrain themselves and ONLY blew a ram's horn, instead of, say, butchering a cow and sprinkling its blood around. Or stoning a rebellious son (Meir Amar?).

So, ok, I get why it would be totally impractical to excommunicate Chabad as some people like David Berger would like. But can't we at least agree that Steinsaltz has passed out of normative Judaism? I'm not saying we have to burn his books, but I'd at least like to know that guilt-ridden kindly Reform grandparents aren't giving the Steinsaltz Tanya to their grandkids at their B'Nai Mitzvahs.

Or is that throwing the (bearded) baby out with the (insane) bathwater?

Middos

For those who don't know, Middos are "attributes". Good middos are things like kindness, humility, fear of God (or G-d, if you like). Bad middos include selfishness, arrogance, etc. It's all pretty standard.

So I came across a book a few weeks ago purportedly designed to teach Ortho youngsters good Middos. Now, maybe it does this, I can't say, not being frum or five. I can attest however, that like other pedagogical texts from the Ortho world, it has plenty of unintentional humor (and some that even seems intentional from the other. Mazel tov, Rav Chait!)

I have a couple of favorites. One is where they're showing a kind of Goofus-and-Gallant set-up for the various selfish jerks on the boat. One of them is of a yeshiva student stewing in his own... piety, while a cantor (with a cool old-fashioned cassock, no less) screeches out devotion, or something. Maybe he's a Karliner-Stoliner Hasid? Incognito? So the "bad middos" version of the conversation is something like this:

Yeshiva Bocher: I hate you, cantor! You're the worst cantor ever! If you don't shut up I'll make you eat your hat! (Pulls cassock over the guy's head, Andy Capp-style).

Book: NO! BAD, BAD MIDDOS! The RIGHT way to do it is like this.

YB: O dear and exalted cantor! I don't think you realize how important your job is- each one of your prayers has the potential to go straight to Hashem [or G-sh-m if you're super, uber pious]. But only if you speak properly and pronounce each word correctly. Here, let me show you how.

Cantor: Oh, thank you so much! For years I've dreamed that someone would teach me the right way to pray! Now I'll be sure to do it!

To which my reaction was a very upraised eyebrow. Now, I don't know any cantors personally, but if being a cantor is anything like, say, being anyone else, I'm pretty sure I'd be much more likely to give someone a bop in the nose and tell them to shove off than thank them for smarmily correcting my prayers. Or am I just weird?

Another highlight, which I mentioned to a female Ortho friend of mine (who had read the book) in passing:

FY: So, you know the Middos book?
Her: Yeah. Some people seem to have issues with it. I've discussed it with friends and there seems to be a pretty clear split along ideological lines. Some Ortho parents don't like it because they say there are too many words for their kids to read them alone. And non-frum folks had some issues with certain parts, too.
FY: Like what?
Her: Well, like that the only middos the women get are related to shopping (don't brag about your fur coat, don't spend beyond your means, don't wear slut shoes when you're eight, etc.)
FY: Yeah, I noticed some of that, too- like when the Middos people survive their shipwreck and they're washed onto a deserted island, and there's this beautiful 2-page sunset painting with all the men praying and thanking God for saving them, and they're crying and really into it... and then you look over to the bottom right corner and see the four women half-way down the hill, praying in a bush.
Her: (shrug) At least they let them pray!

I guess the moral here is that if you happen to be stranded on an island and want to make an open-air, outdoor, "au naturel" shul, you don't need to go to all the trouble of making a fancy grille, balcony, or even curtain for your mechitza. A bush works just as well.

Fallout from Foley-gate

It's official: there is no Republican sin that cannot be blamed on Democrats. On the car radio this afternoon, I got to hear a conservative opine that the "real" issue was the left-wing media that was trying to use this in the election. Riiight, because we all know scandal-mongering and wedge-issues haven't been prime election fodder for say, ever.

Then we get into really fun apologist stuff- I heard one person say that there had never been any Senate page sex-scandals before the 1990s, which sounds like a stretch to me. I mean, if we have people boinking slaves (Jefferson) and maids (Thurmond), I don't think a page is so far-fetched.

So then I started looking on FOX to see what their reaction was- O'Reilly apparently has no sympathy for Foley and called him a predator. His guest Ann Coulter said that she felt sorry for him, but also mentioned that Democrats just "didn't get" why Christians weren't going to react to the Foley story the way Dems wanted them to (you know, with revulsion, horror, and more than a little outrage that the party that runs on family values is also responsible for Senators helping each other to cover up sexual misconduct, and, in Hastert's case, possibly willfully turning a blind eye to events that should have been investigated)

Nooo. Coulter started out with this gem: "Democrats... look, if I knew as much about Islam as they know about American Christians, I'd be guilty of a hate crime." Yeah, because we all know there's nothing Christians like more than homosexual pedophillia. (Please leave all choirboy jokes at the door.)

Ann continued: "No, we Christians, we feel sorry for people like Mark Foley. I hope he gets the help he needs. It's a tragedy. But we really do feel sorry for Foley... just like we feel sorry for women who have abortions."

Wow. I didn't realize those were, um, part of the same end of the moral taint scale. Good to know.

What else... Hastert was on the radio covering his ass, claiming he doesn't know a thing about anything, and he doesn't know whose job it was to tell him, but obviously they dropped the ball, and it's really too bad the Dems are piling on this issue, because so what if he missed that some page was getting "over-affectionate" emails, I mean, after all, he was trying to deal with the budget and the war on terror. Kudos, Denny.

Oh, and Hannity bitched out the various conservatives who are calling for Hastert to resign- "he didn't know about it, and it's outrageous, and why aren't you ashamed of yourself for defaming a good man like this." Yes, because we all know that in politics, if someone says something in an interview, that must be THE TRUTH . I mean, that's totally how Republicans react to Dems in scandals, right? (That reminds me, Coulter tried to deflect by mentioning a sex scandal involving a Democrat and page a few decades ago- "Nobody went after Tip O'Neill". Touche.)

The best part about all this is the suggestion that the Republicans didn't do anything about Foley because they were trying to be "gay-sensitive". Or, as Gingrich and Coulter both put it, "Can you imagine the reaction from the Left if Republicans had started investigating a gay Senator just because he asked his page what he wanted for his birthday?"

That's right, I forgot, it's the Democrats' fault. Just like everything else.

You know, I just have to wonder what the reaction would have been if this was an openly gay Democratic senator?

The Masons: They'll make you such a deal

Poor Masons. Apparently they're so hard-up for membership that they're actively recruiting- and relaxing their membership requirements.

But the Masons’ numbers have been steadily dwindling — whatever their secrets are, they apparently do not have one for avoiding death — and their ranks have been graying. So the New York State Masons have followed other state Masonic societies in doing something that they would have once considered heretical: they are actively reaching out for new members. And, in the process, a famously reticent fraternal organization that now puts a premium on its community service has lifted its veil of secrecy just a bit. ...the Masons are giving public tours of the New York
Grand Lodge Headquarters.

You know, I'm sure there was an issue of "Justice League" or "Superfriends" that went like that: "And here, Timmy, is the doomsday device."

"Wow, Batman! Can I press it?"

"Don't be retarded, Timmy. Stupid kids won't be accepted as Junior Members."

"Aww, but you let Aqua-Lad in!"

The lodge also hired a public relations firm to spread the word about its 225th anniversary, which was last month.

First, public relations firm, no. Second, this firm obviously dropped the ball, because usually you're supposed to let people know about anniversaries BEFORE they happen. That's like if people spread the word about the bicentennial in November.

And the Masons have run advertisements in movie theaters and run one-day classes to award the first three Masonic degrees in a single session. Until then, would-be Masons had to spend months learning what they needed to know to rise from Entered Apprentice to Fellowcraft to Master Mason.

“We’re still not thinking of it as recruiting or trying to amass people,” said Thomas M. Savini, the director of the library at the New York Grand Lodge Headquarters, on West 23rd Street and the Avenue of the Americas, “but I think we’ve reached a point where we realized that not saying anything isn’t making it any easier.”
They had also reached a point where they could not ignore what others were saying about them in “The Da Vinci Code” and other bestsellers like “The Book of Fate” by Brad Meltzer. “What ‘The Da Vinci Code’ gave us was an opportunity to say, ‘Here’s what we are,’” Mr. Savini said.

Man, we Jews totally should have done that after "The Passion". "Next week's sermon: Jews- it's been a long time since we spoke Aramaic and covertly denounced crazed would-be Messiahs God made flesh."

Now, I don't know how to feel about this. The penny-pinching Shylock in me is rubbing his stingy, almost crablike pincers together at the thought of getting a master mason degree in only one class- that might almost make up for not going to grad school- but then I came across this:

Geometry is but one of the seven liberal arts. A Mason who could not remember the other six would need only to look up, for they are written on the ceiling: arithmetic, rhetoric, logic, grammar, music and astronomy. The four cardinal virtues — ortitude, prudence, temperance and justice — are written there, too.

Never mind, I'm out.

The best part of all this is that the Masons still aren't accepting women, which makes total sense- after all, there's desperate and then there's, well... desperate.