A College Stoner's wet dream

Blame Canada

Canadian troops fighting Taliban militants in Afghanistan have stumbled across an unexpected and potent enemy -- almost impenetrable forests of marijuana plants 10 feet tall.

General Rick Hillier, chief of the Canadian defense staff, said Thursday that Taliban fighters were using the forests as cover. In response, the crew of at least one armored car had camouflaged their vehicle with marijuana.

Those brilliant, high-as-a-kite, bastards. Oh, troops, I meant to tell you, next week, Corporal Johnson is going to be teaching the squad how to make body armor out of hemp.

"The challenge is that marijuana plants absorb energy, heat very readily. It's very difficult to penetrate with thermal devices. ... And as a result you really have to be careful that the Taliban don't dodge in and out of those marijuana forests," he said in a speech in Ottawa, Canada.

Admit it, General, did you ever in a million years think you'd be saying that sentence one day?

"We tried burning them with white phosphorous -- it didn't work. We tried burning them with diesel -- it didn't work. The plants are so full of water right now ... that we simply couldn't burn them," he said.

I'm sure there are some philosophy majors in a quad somewhere who'd be happy to help you out.

Even successful incineration had its drawbacks.

"A couple of brown plants on the edges of some of those [forests] did catch on fire. But a section of soldiers that was downwind from that had some ill effects and decided that was probably not the right course of action," Hiller said dryly.

One soldier told him later: "Sir, three years ago before I joined the army, I never thought I'd say 'That damn marijuana'."

If I was the Taliban, this is the point at which I'd set off my gigantic roadside bomb. But I guess the Taliban aren't much with the advanced strategy. Then again, it doesn't look like it's hurting them.

Pot Forests for everyone! Hamas, you're up.