Middos

For those who don't know, Middos are "attributes". Good middos are things like kindness, humility, fear of God (or G-d, if you like). Bad middos include selfishness, arrogance, etc. It's all pretty standard.

So I came across a book a few weeks ago purportedly designed to teach Ortho youngsters good Middos. Now, maybe it does this, I can't say, not being frum or five. I can attest however, that like other pedagogical texts from the Ortho world, it has plenty of unintentional humor (and some that even seems intentional from the other. Mazel tov, Rav Chait!)

I have a couple of favorites. One is where they're showing a kind of Goofus-and-Gallant set-up for the various selfish jerks on the boat. One of them is of a yeshiva student stewing in his own... piety, while a cantor (with a cool old-fashioned cassock, no less) screeches out devotion, or something. Maybe he's a Karliner-Stoliner Hasid? Incognito? So the "bad middos" version of the conversation is something like this:

Yeshiva Bocher: I hate you, cantor! You're the worst cantor ever! If you don't shut up I'll make you eat your hat! (Pulls cassock over the guy's head, Andy Capp-style).

Book: NO! BAD, BAD MIDDOS! The RIGHT way to do it is like this.

YB: O dear and exalted cantor! I don't think you realize how important your job is- each one of your prayers has the potential to go straight to Hashem [or G-sh-m if you're super, uber pious]. But only if you speak properly and pronounce each word correctly. Here, let me show you how.

Cantor: Oh, thank you so much! For years I've dreamed that someone would teach me the right way to pray! Now I'll be sure to do it!

To which my reaction was a very upraised eyebrow. Now, I don't know any cantors personally, but if being a cantor is anything like, say, being anyone else, I'm pretty sure I'd be much more likely to give someone a bop in the nose and tell them to shove off than thank them for smarmily correcting my prayers. Or am I just weird?

Another highlight, which I mentioned to a female Ortho friend of mine (who had read the book) in passing:

FY: So, you know the Middos book?
Her: Yeah. Some people seem to have issues with it. I've discussed it with friends and there seems to be a pretty clear split along ideological lines. Some Ortho parents don't like it because they say there are too many words for their kids to read them alone. And non-frum folks had some issues with certain parts, too.
FY: Like what?
Her: Well, like that the only middos the women get are related to shopping (don't brag about your fur coat, don't spend beyond your means, don't wear slut shoes when you're eight, etc.)
FY: Yeah, I noticed some of that, too- like when the Middos people survive their shipwreck and they're washed onto a deserted island, and there's this beautiful 2-page sunset painting with all the men praying and thanking God for saving them, and they're crying and really into it... and then you look over to the bottom right corner and see the four women half-way down the hill, praying in a bush.
Her: (shrug) At least they let them pray!

I guess the moral here is that if you happen to be stranded on an island and want to make an open-air, outdoor, "au naturel" shul, you don't need to go to all the trouble of making a fancy grille, balcony, or even curtain for your mechitza. A bush works just as well.