Friday, October 20, 2006

Dusting off an old chestnut

Here's an interesting suggestion- not being attracted to every woman you meet means you aren't really heterosexual.

Who said it? Rabbi Shmuley "Never met a woman I didn't want to boink" Boteach.

The male overexposure to women has even led to the death of the heterosexual man as we know him. If the definition of a heterosexual man is a male who is attracted to women, then most men today are barely heterosexual. Think about it. Nearly all the men I know are only attracted to about one in ten women, that is, the ten percent of women they consider ‘hot.’ The other ninety percent leave them cold. Doesn’t that mean that they are ninety percent asexual? And I’m not trying to be funny. If a man is not attracted to a woman, then he is not heterosexual. Period. And if he only attracted to a small fraction of the women he meets, then he is fractionally heterosexual.
Makes total sense, really. Just like if a person claims to like meat but won't eat their dog or grandmother, they can't really like meat. Or if you say you're a dog lover but refuse to live in the same house with a homicidal pit bull. Look, I told you, honey, he's trained now, ok? No, that time it actually was the mail-man's fault! Well he shouldn't have been delivering that sample of A1 steak sauce, ok? It's just common sense. Hey, you're avoiding the real issue- why do you hate dogs?

Wait a minute, Shmuley, haven't you been telling us for years that we aren't supposed to put that much stock in mere animal attraction? Aren't attraction and intimacy supposed to develop over time, like decades?

So now if we are physically attracted to women we're dogs, and if we're not, we're gay, or at least bisexual. Great, why don't I just move to an island now and save myself some grief. I hear those lepers make nice neighbors.

But don't worry, guys-with-preferences-and/or-standards. Shmuley isn't really saying you're gay- just asexual. And really, as long as you're not queer, everything else is gravy, right?

Well, I'm off to go pick up my new tallis- I got a hot pink one, with glitter tassels for tzitzit. If anyone named "Raymondo" calls, tell him to use my cell.

2 comments:

Sultan Knish said...

You can tell Shmuley is really 'hip' to what the kids are into these days. Why he even quotes Tom Wolfe. I guess Andy Rooney was busy that day and John Stossel won't return his calls anymore.

"The second great tragedy of the Western man is that since women no longer strongly attract him, he cannot separate himself from his male buddies and truly attach himself to a female soul mate. Everywhere I go in the Western world I meet husbands whose real confidantes are still their drinking and card-playing buddies, and who are lonely in their marriages as a result."

Another shocking development in the Western world of the last 20...50...200....2000 years.

Friar Yid (not Shlita) said...

Yeah, I'm imagining Shmuley must be a real gas to have around the house, as he looks through endless Playboys (not to harm his marriage, a-la-Kosher Sex, heaven forbid, but to reassure his wife that he's straight) and forces his eight kids to speed-date with the neighbors.