News Flash: South Doesn't Suck, say Southerners

Seriously. That's the premise of this column by Doug Giles, who I distrust from the get-go because his last name is a first name (it's not as bad as the alternative, though- Anderson Cooper? Get real). Giles' column is half name-calling and half screaming fanboy book review of "The Politically Incorrect Guide to the South (and Why it Will Rise Again)". More on the P.I.G. series later.

Let's take the fisking one at a time. First, Dougie-Fresh:

If you listen to the Ditsy Chicks, if you like Rosie O’Doggerel and if you think John Kerry is cool, then more than likely you assume the South sucks. Yep, our current culture has been brow beaten by the loons on the Left into viewing the South as societal swill.

First of all, nobody I know has ever claimed John Kerry was cool. EVER. Second, when the Dixie Chicks first started pissing off Republicans by daring to stand up for a different side of Texan values (as opposed to the fake-cowboy-act our prep school New Englander President likes to put on), I seem to remember everybody saying they liked their music fine and just wished they would stop talking politics. (Hence the "Shut Up and Sing" mantra.) And societal swill? Maybe I missed something, but last time I checked, almost everybody in the US has some sort of superiority/inferiority complex. Your column and the PIG book only confirm this.

In Hollywood, the hedonistic thought thugs make certain that Southerners are tarred and feathered as inbred, Ricky Bobby, moonshine slammin’, KKKMart shoppin’, fat back eatin’, cousin humpin’ square dancers with three teeth and an IQ of 50.

I can assure you that I for one don't even know what fat back is. Furthermore, as someone who has traced their ancestry extensively, I have confirmed several cases of inbreeding AND moonshining. You don't get to have a monopoly on this stuff. As for KKK and Kmart, last I checked both these institutions were more than mere regional phenomenons. If Hollywood is misrepresenting that, then they're jerks, pure and simple. That said, some of those popular images of the South are based on facts- as demented and distorted as Will Ferrell's Ricky Bobby might be (I just got the reference a second ago), NASCAR has traditionally been associated with the South, and for good reason- it got its start there and its headquarters and most of its races continue to be in the South. (Which is not to say that a preppy New Englander driver character wouldn't have been funny.)

The liberal Belief Police want America to hate the South because the South represents the Secular Regressive’s (SR) chief political and cultural (and armed, I might add) high hurdle.

Um... maybe, I guess. If by that you mean that the South is a bastion of cultural and political conservatism.

The autoerotic “elite,” which form the intellectually line bred gene pool of the soulless Left, are hell bent to bar from our borders all praises and practices of the principles which have made the South substantial. What are the things that make Dixie so darn good? Well, I know it’s hard for those of you who are wedged up Hollywood’s backside to understand our virtues, but its stuff like author Clint Johnson points out in his predestined to be best-seller The Politically Incorrect Guide to the South (and Why it Will Rise Again) . . .

Doug, it sounds like you're just using random words you got from the thesaurus at this point. What the hell does autoerotic elite even mean? And why the binary? Why must all non-Southerners (or non-Conservatives) automatically be renting a condo up Hollywood's ass? Why is there no possibility of a soulFULL left? Now who's being simplistic?

Onto the piggy (channeled by Doug) ... Apparently the South is great because it has:

• A strong sense of patriotism that protects the rest of the nation. Dasypygals on the left who incessantly bash the South and hate everything sweet home Alabama stands for ought to eat a little sautéed crow tonight and send the South a thank you card in the morning, as the South makes up the overwhelming majority of the armed forces who protect our country and are willing to take a bullet for these ungrateful and derisive jackasses. The South accounts for 35% of the population, but 41% of the military recruits.

I'll send the South a card when they send me one for all the relatives I had who fought in WWI, WWII, and the Korean War. Get off your high horse. Secondly, as I well know, not everyone who fights in a war is automatically a patriot, or primarily motivated by patriotism- how many of the people in the army right now are there because they didn't have any better options? A lot of people wind up in the army because they need money. How about all the poor National Guard guys who joined up for a few weeks a year and are now on their second tour of Iraq? Pragmatism is probably responsible for just as many enlistments as patriotism, if not more so. Incidentally, for the curious, Dasypygal apparently means "hairy ass". Because that's relevant.

• A sense of morals and religion. The fact that we haven’t flushed God and Christ down the toilet, as the anti-Christ secularists want us to do, has made the liberal, tassel-shoed Nancy’s have a hissy. When other sectors of our society are shamefully caving to the godless cabal’s secular agenda and keeping quite about their convictions, the South sits back, yawns, scratches its belly, and then shoots these glib sisters a defiant rebel finger. In addition, no matter how much the liberal Presidential dopefuls play the “we like Jesus and Moses, too” card in the upcoming ’08 election, the South isn’t fooled. We see the fecal fumes coming off their heads. Serious faith is a southern thang, a conservative thang, and not a 21st century liberal thang.

Anti-Christ secularists, huh? Man, gotta love that Christian love. Also, I think you meant "Nancys" back there. As far as your convictions- go nuts, man. I could care less about your theology (I'll even let you bring it into your fake Congressional Oath ceremony), just keep it out of other people's face. Not such a big deal. Also, congrats on that "finger thang"- and you say we libs are lowering the discourse. And why bring Moses into this? Oooh, heaven forbid a Presidential candidate acknowledge somebody important besides Hey-seuss. I know, let's tar and feather them!

• A creative atmosphere. Clint further prods the north by taunting them with their lack of creativity. He states that, “few folks think about ‘northern literature,’ but there is an abundance of southern literature. There’s no such thing as northern music. I’m sorry, rap is a NY derivative. But then again rap is not music. There is, though, country music, southern rock, southern jazz, southern blues and bluegrass. CJ goes on to say that “there is something about southern lovers, rivers, dogs, ex-wives, ex-husbands, magnolias, pine trees, eccentrics, and soldiers that keep writers and musicians inspired. “

So he's an idiot. What does this prove? Observe. Edgar Allen Poe was mighty creative, wouldn't you say? What about Emily Dickinson? Emerson? Hawthorne? Ben Franklin? Longfellow? Thoreau? That's just a few from Massachusets, Doug. Take a look at Wikipedia and get back to me.

Incidentally, what about the fact that Clint's being might unspecific about exactly what constitutes "the North". I was raised in California. Is that North?

• Real men. “Southern men are gentlemen, but they’re also uncompromising, opinionated, and won’t defer to what ‘the group’ wants. . . . ” America needs men who stick by their guns and southern men do just that. Southern men, saith Clint, don’t flip flop; they stick to the convictions and principles they got from their families. Remember families?

Except when the group wants to own slaves or spray black people with hoses, right? Yeah, great guys who stuck by their guns like Thurmond and Lott, and don't forget Bull Connor! Here's an idea- maybe it's better to actually THINK about your principles rather than blindly follow ones you inherited. (See Haskalah). Wait, I know- everyone in the South is actually a principled individual, they just all happen to think alike. Brilliant.

• Real women. Unlike the female chauvinist pigs on the Left, Southern women are charming and ladylike and like their menfolk, they have backbones of steel. Also, note to single guys: from Georgia peaches to Mississippi belles, there’s no doubt about it: southern women are prettier. Since the first Miss America pageant in 1921, one-third of the winners have been Southern.

Again, genius, having backbones of steel is worthless if the things you're defending aren't worth the trouble. And yeah, gentility has its place, but so does a lack of BS- something I've been assured you won't find in the South. And since when do we judge beauty by Miss America standards? And again, what counts as Southern? Anyway, take a look at Miss America 2005- she looks like a Barbie-doll sent out to turn a trick. Oh Ken, you're the best pimp ever.

Oh, that's right, I said I'd mention more about PIG- well, let's just say they've been busy. I'm thinking about getting this one for myself and this one for the girlfriend. Or rather, I might if they weren't 20 bucks a piece. Maybe it's time to use the ol' library...