ASK CHABAD!
Dear Random Chabad Rabbi,
My grandmother is an atheist and wants to be cremated after she dies. This makes me uncomfortable. Please give me some good rationalizations to badger her with as she waits for the Angel of Death.
Sincerely, Goober.
Dear Goober,
Thanks for your rad note. As you guessed, cremation is quite un-Jewish. In fact, it would not be inaccurate to describe it as being "un-Jewish to the x-treme." (BTW, did you put on teffilin yet?)
People at funerals have a hard time relating to urns! Wooden boxes are much more effective. And it's unfair to mourners to not give them a final resting place. Sure, you could keep the ashes in the house of a loved one, or spread them out at a beach or park, but who wants to bring a rock to the beach? Cemeteries are the way we've always done things (except in Eretz Yisroel when we used caves. Oh yeah, don't use caves).
Also, someone once told me various mystical crap about how cremation prevents the body from becoming "one with the soil", thereby creating new life, both physically and symbolically. With cremation, the soul and spirit can't fertilize the new generation, because they're somehow cock-blocked by being dust instead of bones, which as we all know, easily infiltrate pregnant women's fetuses during the gestation period thanks to the power of photosynthesis. Don't ask me, it's a Kabbalah thing, unless it's a Tanya thing. I think it might have something to do with a cosmic klippot net or something. Ah yes, I know that sucks for people who lost relatives in the Shoah or random Inquisitions, but hey, somebody has to suck it up.
Lastly, Goober, I must point out that turning the body to ash is unnatural, as opposed to sticking it in the ground and plunking a giant obelisk over it, which men have done for time immemorial, except when they left them for birds or animals or stuck them in pyramids with the organs in jars, or recent experiments in Germany involving plastination. And of course, there's cryogenics. But don't forget, Goober- all those people are weird. And if there's one thing Jews don't do, it's anything weird.
So yes, it's important to respect your grandmother, but sometimes the best way to respect someone is to pester them to change their minds until they have a stroke, or failing that, to go behind their back later and do what you want. Remember: your grandmother may be an atheist, but you know better- after all, you knew enough to ask me.
Sincerely yours,
Random Chabad Rabbi
P.S. Please bring Moschiach Now. We're waiting.
Wow. I guess we should just be thankful he didn't draw a line between cremation and Auschwitz. Of course, some rabbis aren't as sensitive about such matters.
1 comment:
That is really hilarious. I've always wanted to tell Orthodox Rabbis that when they tell to keep the minhagim of my Ashkenazi roots, that would mean becoming an atheist socialist. (And not even a Zionist - but a Bundist!)
On that note, about the metaphysical angle, however you might take it, or toss it away, I heard that souls are still attached to their bodies and that it's easier to watch it buried nicely in the ground than burnt up. Kind of like throwing away an object you're attached to - burial is nicer.
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