Find Your Purpose (through bullshit)

One of the best characters in A.J. Jacob's Year of Living Biblically is his wacky ex-uncle, "Guru Gil." I was very entertained hearing of all of Gil's antics as he went through his years of spiritual searching, only to end up as an Orthodox Jew in Jerusalem. (Though given his extreme personality as described in the book, I wasn't all that surprised.)

What was surprising was discovering that Guru Gil, or Reb Gutman, as he's known these days, has a blog. I've periodically checked in on it over the past year to look for interesting tidbits. This one caught my attention a while ago:

When Jewish parents give names to their newborn children, Hashem sends them a hint of prophecy. The name that they will choose has already been allocated to that child in Heaven, and now the parents are coaxed into picking that same name. This means that each of us have Heavenly-ordained names that reflect our mission on Earth. Our names explain and define our potential, our individual uniqueness, our hope.

Wait, so God brainwashes parents into picking names that have been divinely ordained? What about cases where they don't know, or pick one literally at random? I'm sorry, but I'm pretty sure it happens. Wait, I'm getting a divine coaxing message. What's that, Heaven? Got it. Gutman is not to be questioned. Ok, Gutman, parents have no free will and all Jewish babies' names are chosen by divine providence. Sounds great. So what's the next step towards using this to self-actualize myself, O mighty Guru?

Look carefully for the meaning of your Hebrew name to see if you are fulfilling your intended task. For instance, if your name is Avraham, your main defining characteristic is kindness. Even if you have not seen this to be true in your life up until now, you must ask yourself why were you given this name, and you must strive to develop this trait.

Names have individual histories and meanings. Pay attention to the meaning of your name, or you may very well miss the point of your having been created you.

This soul-name searching came to a halt pretty quickly as I have no Hebrew name. No one likes feeling left out, and I had been very intruiged by the idea of soul-name prophecy. Luckily, Reb Gutman wrote a follow-up:

 Beside your name, there are other places to look for hints. Look at the portion of the Torah that was read on the day, or week, that you were born. Read it carefully a few times, and you will start to see hints about yourself there. After all, nothing is by chance, and this is your Torah portion.

According to an online calendar I found, I was born on a Sunday. I didn't know if that meant I should look at the Torah portion for the Shabbat the day before, or the one for that week, since Sunday is the start of the new week. The calendar I used said that the previous Shabbat was something called "Shabbat Shekalim." Shabbat of Shekels sounded cool, so I decided to use that day as my starting point.

The regular portion was Mishpatim, or Exodus 21:1-24:18, which describes the giving of the commandments to Moses. I looked through it, but had some trouble applying it to my life. Chapter 21 is about all the ways you shouldn't abuse your slave and how to take care of your oxen, which, given that I am a poor teacher, is not likely to be an issue. Chapter 22 is a little racier, describing various "bloodguilts" for theft, how to make restitution for assorted crimes, and fun esoteric stuff like forbidding bestiality and witchcraft. Chapter  23 gets pretty exciting. You can't boil a kid in its mother's milk, you should observe the Sabbath and Passover, not oppress a stranger, and, of course, not worship the idols of all the nations God has destroyed on your behalf. Check. The parsha ends with various house-keeping stuff: Moses tells the people the law, gets the tablets, hangs out on the mountain, etc.

I checked out the portion for Shabbat Shekalim to see if that was any better. Unfortunately, no dice. It's all about paying money to God in exchange for not being wiped out while taking a census. Uh, okayyy....

I suppose if I was being a little more charitable I could have some ground-breaking epiphanies here. I could notice that there are lots of ritual mitzvot in Mishpatim that I don't follow, for instance, or that I should "render unto God what is God's," as in Shabbat Shekalim. But at the end of the day, I just think it's kind of silly. (Not oppressing the stranger sounds good, though.)

Does the good Gutman have any other suggestions?

Add up the gematria (Hebrew numerical equivalents) of your name and add in your mother’s name. Then add your name to your father’s name. Now look in the gematria book for all of the words in the Torah that share your gematria. For some reason, these words share the same numerical value as your name.

Let's back up. You just told me to look my name up in the gematria book to find the words that have the same numerical value as my name. Now I'm supposed to be impressed by the "magic coincidence" that they have the same value? Is the special reason supposed to be "that's how the alphabet works?" Again, can't really do this since I don't have a Hebrew name.

G-d gave us the exact tools that we need in order to do the job that He sent us here to do. We say that G-d sent us, but in truth, our own prior deeds in our previous lifetime set up the waves of creation that caused us to come into this world as we are.

I guess the up-side of this cosmological view is that it implies there's a Divine Will behind me not having a Hebrew name or being Hebrew literate. Take that, Jewish guilt!

Look at the things that you are very good at, the things that you find yourself doing more than others around you, or possibly the things that most people like to do but you alone do not. Your uniqueness shows you the tools that you came into the world to use.

     Now take your specific skills, coordinate them with your overall mission, and apply them happily in your life. Your overall mission is determined by your obvious birthright. Are you a Jew? A Kohen? A Levi? Were you born into a family that enjoys special privileges?

Let's see, is mental illness a privilege? What about food allergies? Flat feet? Wait, I've got it... awesome facial hair. Done.

*                   *                   *                   *                   *                   *                   *                   *                   *
Sigh. Another let down from someone claiming to have a magic system to unlock the secrets of the universe in general and my cosmic destiny in particular. Looks I'll just have to muddy through on my own. Again.

Let me know if you come up with anything else to figure out my destiny, Reb Gutman.

Mid-year Resolutions

A friend left a comment, which led me to her blog, which she hasn't updated in a while, and it reminded me that New Year's Resolutions are fun.

Yes, they are. Too bad it's May. Oh well. Mid-year resolutions will have to do:

1. Be healthier-ish. I bought a Wii last August and was fairly diligent about using its exercise program through December. That combined with some increased awareness about diet and portion control helped me drop close to ten pounds. Since then I have plateaued. I should try to stick with exercising and such at least a few times a week to be consistent. On the plus side, I've started seeing a physical therapist to help figure out why I have the flexibility of an 80-year-old man. (True, I have a personality to match, but I don't think cantankerousness is supposed to affect your joints, too.)

2. Be positive (and proactive) about work. Work continues to be up and down. All my teachers like me, the kids are mostly cute, and I'm slowly getting more responsibilities in and out of class. The administration, however, continues to be clueless and it's a total crap shoot whether this will be the year I finally progress to becoming a real teacher. Still, I need to not let that big picture stuff get me down (too much). The school has potential and all the new hiring may make things improve significantly. (That said, being told in not so many words that me getting a promotion depends less on anything I can do and more on whether more experienced people wind up being incompetent is not fun.) There's no telling what might happen at school (or at another one) so I need to keep applying for things, keep my eyes and ears open, while also trying to ignore the glass ceiling I'm currently pressed up against.

3. Try to stay patient, gracious and supportive to close family (and friends) about the wedding. Though there are some things about the wedding I'm looking forward to never discussing ever, ever, again, I know that everybody coming wants to be there and have it go well because they love me and Shiksa Fiancee. It can hard to remember that sometimes, but that's the bottom line and I need to remember it more often. (Still feeling pretty uncharitable about Aunt Bozette's "WTF no RSVP card" email, though.)

4. Have more fun. This is a tricky one. I'm feeling stressed about most things these days, and while I look forward to my days off, it always feels like I waste them by either doing nothing, or using the time to do chores that otherwise don't get done (I just finished cleaning the house and doing all the dishes in the aftermath of last week's seders, for instance). It's a tough balance and seems slightly counter-intuitive, but I think I might actually feel like I'm making more of my down time if I make more plans with it. I may still just be hanging out, but if I'm hanging out with someone else, it might seem more relaxing. Or something. Still playing around with this one.

Post Seder Wrap-up

Apropos of getting things done (if belatedly), here's the skinny on our Passover holiday, a semi-meme lifted from Dovbear.

Finishing time:

9ish both nights (such is the sad reality of weeknight seders, I'm afraid). One interesting observation was the difference in when each seder started. On night one (where we invite our 20-something friends) there was about a 1-hour lag time in starting as people trickled in from work. On night two (where we have my family and various family friends in their 50s & 60s), people actually got there early. The secret, I realized, is that a big percentage of those people either drove over and/or are retired.

Highlight we'll still be talking about next year:

One of our friends telling another one (who unfortunately was sitting right across from her), "I don't mean to be rude, but you're being really loud and I'm kind of done with it." Ouch.

(Mini) Arguments:

Night 1: Chocolate chip cookies and the appropriateness of them being at the seder table. (This was primarily our fault for making cookies two days before Passover and forgetting to put them in Chametz jail. Next year we should just wrap them up and give them away at the end.)

Night 2: No, seriously, old people. I don't care that you're full of food and drank more than you should (How is this night different from all other nights, indeed). Get your butts up and look for the Afikomen.

(Related: My brother's laptop and the appropriateness of it being at the seder table.)

Afikomen Presents:

Night 1: John Travolta's weird-ass children's book about a strange kid who likes planes. Also, booby prize lollipops (one was dill pickle flavored and the other was hot sauce, I believe.)

Night 2: Still trying to give away those lollipops. The 'winner' wouldn't take them, I'm afraid. (There was also some brief discussion about him wanting to present the Afikomen to us at our wedding as some sort of symbol of something. Not quite sure how that works.)

Books I read:

The Smart-Ass Haggadah, 2nd edition. Also, a brief excerpt of John Travolta's terrible book.

Food:

Night 1:

Veggies & Humus, Hard-boiled eggs
Indian-style stewed spinach with onions & tomatoes
Poached salmon with tumeric (Shiksa Fiancee's take on chicken liver, which she compares to cat food)
Mushroom potato kugel
Homemade falafel (baked)
Roasted chicken with potatoes
Sampler platter of fancy chocolates we're having at the wedding

Night 2:

More veggies & eggs
Poached salmon
Mother Superior Yid's chicken liver
More falafel
Kugel, veggie & non-
Brisket with plum sauce
Chocolate

Most Thankful For:

Everyone had a good time and I didn't lose my voice entirely (I was feeling sick on 2nd night and was worried I would need to stay home the next day).

Earth to Dingus

Dear Aunt Bozette,

We are glad you got your invitation to the wedding. We are glad you think it is pretty, because we spent a lot of time and money on getting it printed-- which was precisely one of the reasons we decided not to deal with any extraneous printing stuff. Not only is the postal service inefficient and inconvenient; in an age of electronic options, it's become largely unnecessary. To this end, we started a wedding blog to keep people informed and to give them an electronic way to RSVP and let us know if they were coming. Since we don't expect people to be mind-readers, we opted to put the URL directly on the printed invitations, along with the (we thought) very direct phrase, "To RSVP, please visit X"

We were worried some of the seniors wouldn't get it, but surprisingly, almost everyone has managed to do this. Even 88-year old Bubbe Yid managed to pull it off (if only to email me that she couldn't come). You are the only person who got the invitation, assumed it was incomplete, and wrote me to say "My invitation is missing the RSVP card."

Might I suggest re-reading your card? Failing that, you can just skip the whole invitation entirely and email me to let me know if you're coming. You know, like you just did to complain about a nonexistent RSVP card.

Looking back on it, I can't imagine why we thought it wouldn't be a good idea to include extra pieces of expensive printed material that we would need to pay more to mail to you so you could mail them back to me so I could wait several days for them to come and learn about your ongoing struggles with literacy. Still, I suppose it's too late for that now. We'll all just have to suffer on, thinking about what might have been.

I hope this helps. I look forward to hearing from you.

Your ever-patient nephew,

Friar Yid

Burdens of Proof

To hear Joseph Farah tell it, he's the world's most diligent detective/investigative journalist since John Stossel fused his soul with Sam Spade through an arcane voodoo ritual (what, you don't read the news?)

Yes, when it comes to Obama's citizenship and eligibility for the Presidency, no documentation is too questionable, no proof too inscrutable, no witnesses too incorruptible for our brave Mr. Farah. It doesn't matter how many conservatives have decided to give up on the birth certificate strategy, or that the national news media has declared the story dead. For Farah, it's (supposedly) about the truth and serving the public good.

And in some ways, he's actually right. It is good to have transparency. It is bad when the leader appears-- for whatever reason-- to be hiding things.

But here's the rub: If Joe Farah wants to be taken seriously as a "make your case, show your work, let's follow the paper trail" journalist on Friday, he really can't be putting this crap out on Thursday:

A remark that Jesus' cousin, whose name he couldn't remember, "was really nice," helped convince Todd Burpo that his son's experience during a near-fatal illness was something beyond extraordinary. 

In the new book "Heaven is for Real," Todd and Sonja Burpo, along with Lynn Vincent, recount the amazing story told by their son, Colton Burpo. 

"Did you know that Jesus has a cousin? Jesus told me his cousin baptized him," Colton tells his father one evening, as related in chapter 12 of the book. 

Todd, a pastor, agrees. 

"The Bible says Jesus' cousin's name is John." 

But he then scolds himself, reminding himself not to offer information. 

"I don't remember his name," Colton said happily, "but he was really nice." 

"John the Baptist is 'nice'?!" Todd writes. "Just as I was processing the implications of my son's statement – that he had met John the Baptist – Colton spied a plastic horse among his toys and held it up for me to look at. 'Hey, Dad, did you know Jesus has a horse?"

Yes, while Farah is all too-willing to assume that every person vouching for Obama's citizenship is lying out their ears, apparently if your 4-year-old has a near-death experience and describes seeing Jesus and his rainbow horse, that's somehow irrefutable proof.

Convenient?

Dear Tzvi: Stop talking.

Seriously, Tzvi, I'm about to smack you. Unless, of course, a ninja does it for me.

Richter shmichter. Nature my arse. In seconds, G-d can destroy Japan and Russia and America and all of the arrogant countries of Europe. The earthquake and tsunami was a wake-up lesson for the world – and for us – reminding us that we had better start paying some more serious attention to G-d. He, and He alone, rules the world, and not Japan, Russia, America, and the European Quartet. 

So don’t be afraid my fellow Jews! Don’t be afraid, Bibi! The L-rd G-d of Israel, Master of Heaven and Earth, is on our side! Don’t be afraid of UN threats and boycotts and embargos and Obamas and cut-offs of foreign aid! G-d is our aid. “The Heavens declare the glory of G-d, and the Earth proclaims His praise!” “The power of the L-rd is over the roaring waters!” Sing out O mountains and forests and seas of Japan! The Redemption of Israel is near!

So once again, God shows how great he is by killing thousands of people. And you're saying these are reasons to not be afraid? Incidentally, I love how this is presented as God's revenge on non-Jewish countries for being arrogant. No self-centeredness here at all.

Why Japan, you ask?

Yeah, why?

Why not?

Um... please tell me this is not the new standard for smiting countries. There is at least some quality control in God's department, yes?

Japan, the home of Buddhism, Shinto shrines and spirits, is a bastion of idol worship and idol worshippers, perhaps Number 1 in the world.

And that's clearly worthy of death. You know, Tzvi, that deity of yours winds up looking like more of a bastard every time you mention him. Maybe you should stop.

Incidentally, way to not even try to count. How can you claim with any seriousness that Japan is the "Number 1" bastion of idol worshippers in the world? India has 827 million Hindus. Japan has 127 million people TOTAL. You weren't kidding when you said you were proud your kids don't know anything about the world outside of Israel, were you?

Japan consistently votes against Israel in the UN.

Wait, it's about being anti-Israel? Then when is B'nei B'rak's earthquake due?

Japan was Nazi German’s ally in World War 2.

First of all, the country is called Germany. Second, Japan treated its conquered Jews better than anyone else in Hitler's coalition, refusing, for example, to turn Jews over to the Nazis even when requested. As long as you're justifying punishing people for the sins of their grandfathers, you can at least look up what they actually did.

I could give you a few more reasons why it was a tsunami, just like in the time of Noah and the Flood, but I won’t mention them here.

I understand. This must have taken you, like, hours of pretend-thought. Next time feel free not to bother.

A failure to communicate

Though I've spent many, many hours reading the internet works of R. Lazer Brody, every so often it still feels like we're on slightly different planets. It's like I'm from Earth and he's from... I don't know, Jupiter?

Case in point: a cute story about a thirsty three year old.

Dear Rabbi Lazer,As my 3 year old was lying in bed - to go to sleep, he called out for a drink. When my response took longer than a few seconds, he immediately turned to ask Hashem. He told Hashem that he's only a toddler, and he needs a drink. 

We have been listening to your Emuna CDs in the car and although I try not to have them on when he's in the car so that I can spend the time talking to him. Recently, the lessons have been so good that the few times that I just can't get myself to turn them off, seems to be rubbing off on him. I couldn't believe the way my 3-year old was actually doing hitbodedut and talking to Hashem! Maybe I should have him listen to the CDs more often...

Think about this: the mother and Lazer are high-fiving over the fact that the kid is asking God for water. This despite the fact that there is NO chance of God actually filling up a glass and magic-floating it over to his bed, thereby setting up Job Jr. for some major disappointment and/or confusion. Nice. Is the assumption that he just needs to learn that God does things on his own time? Or maybe the thought is that this little guy's lived with his childish notions of a God that does everything for you whenever you ask for too long. I mean, the kid is three, for Heaven's sake. Time to grow up.

Look guys, if you want your kids to pray and have a personal relationship with God that's fine, but little kids praying for tangible results immediately is a recipe for disaster. Instead of being happy that your kid expects basic needs to bet met through prayer, maybe try explaining that if he wants water he either needs to get it himself or ask an actual person. Just a thought.

Shiksa Fiancee Saves the Day

Since last time, there have been a lot of developments towards Operation Tying-the-Knot. Among the more exciting were:

A- Looking for caterers and freaking out over outrageous prices (the best moment had to be when one gave us a quote that was more than our total planned budget for the entire wedding, including rings and invitations);
B- Finding out our venue was too small;
C- Frantically looking for a new venue;
D- Fighting with my parents about how, no, we did not want to re-visit the damn clubhouse (at this point I think I'm going to be banned from ever using that word; future mini-Yids will have to play in a "kiddy-shack");
E- Suffering through some heated conversations with Huldah, SF's Mom, in which she implied I was forcing my preferences and timetables on our wedding, as well as future plans about where we might live or how our kids might be raised (fun times!);

and F- Finally finding two new venues- an economy hotel for the ceremony and a restaurant for the reception.

Oof. It's been a hectic month. (Being sick for the last three weeks and having Huldah sleeping on our couch didn't make things easier.) The saving grace turned out to be SF's new employer.

Let me explain: After graduating college, SF worked in a toy store for two years. Since she had a degree and wasn't incompetent or a thief, she climbed the ranks fairly quickly and became a GM at their flagship store. Unfortunately, her boss was crazy, was constantly interfering in daily operations of the store, and made her so miserable that she spent most of her time fantasizing about poking customers' eyes out and stacking them in the antique Matryoshka dolls that no one ever bought. Clearly, this was not a recipe for long-term success. So a year ago, SF quit. Given that the economy still sucks and we live in an expensive city, this was not exactly a stress-free decision. To take her mind off the crushing anxiety of being unemployed, SF enrolled in a year-long accelerated Master's Degree program in Human Resources, as those elements of her job had been the most satisfying. And, after many months of job hunting, she secured a nice position in her new job during the summer, where she has quickly risen up the corporate ladder again, and is now their resident HR Gaon.

The upshot of all this? Well, SF's company (which, for extra-cool points, I will refer to as CIA) isn't just one store; it's a secret consortium, kind of like the mafia. In a clever attempt to confuse and attract even more tourists, they operate five or six stores in one very popular tourist area, all under different names and catering to slightly different client bases (one store focuses on middle-aged customers, another is geared towards teens, one, bizarrely enough, is vaguely nautical-themed, etc...) And it works, obscenely well. Despite the economic woes affecting everybody, CIA is making a killing. (Apparently when jeans cost $100-plus back in the UK or Germany, $60 sounds like a steal-- so why not buy some for every member of your family?) And guess what else CIA owns? Its own Italian restaurant, conveniently located, staffed by employees that have been hearing nothing but great things about their corporate wunderkind for the last seven months.

So, we decided to see what they could do for us. A lot, it turns out. Not only are they giving us a great break on the meal, they're also comping their banquet room rental and champagne for our guests. And all because, as they put it to SF and Huldah when they went to talk with her, "We like her so much." Mazel Tov, sweetie. You're a star.

Oh, and the rabbi is secure. (As are commemorative yarmulkes! Hooray for the Internet.)

Next up, finalizing wedding invitations and getting rings.

Get your story straight

We know that theodicy is a fun pastime for Haredi leaders, as it is for loyal blog frenemy Lazer Brody. But while some of these gedolei hador are holy enough to get daily personal communications from God explaining why he's doing the crazy things we read about in the news, it seems that he's been two-timing them.

Lazer says:

The prophet Zecharia tells us in Chapter 14 of his prophecy that in the end of days, all the nations will gather to attack Jerusalem. The same prophecy appears in Micah 4:11 and in Psalms 2:1, according to the Malbim's elaboration of King David's question, "Why do the nations tremble?" 

...How can anyone turn a blind eye to the fact that the whole world is changing, both politically and geophysically? The volcanos, yesterday's earthquake in New Zealand, the heavy blizzards in North America, the typhoons in the Far East, and the shakeup of governments around the globe are all wakeup calls from Hashem. The more one ignores the alarm clock, the louder it gets. Only a fool puts his head in the ground like an ostrich... 

The Arab world will continue to become more radically Islamic. This past Friday, two million people gathered in downtown Cairo of "moderate" Egypt to chant for the "liberation" of Jerusalem, claiming that they're all ready to become shahidim, or suicide bombers. This phenomena will only spread. But, with Hashem's loving grace, our prophets and sages have prepared us.

In other words, the massive protests in the Arab world are happening because God wants Muslims to become a unified front opposing Israel, the better to serve his love of black-and-white end-time scenarios.

But wait! The leaders of Israel's Litvish community got a different God-memo. While R. Chaim Kanievsky seems to agree with Lazer that the Arab protests are part of a God-and-Magog showdown, R. Aharon Shteinman's got a different drash.

"Recently it appears that there is a powerful effort to destroy and agitate the world of the Torah, through various attempts to prosecute kollels and yeshiva students," Steinman said. "When you try to agitate the world of the Torah, God agitates the world."

Got that? It's not Armageddon, it's that God's pissed about secularists in the Knesset trying to limit stipends to kollel students. Psht. You actually thought God cared about anyone outside Bnei Brak? What are you, some kind of universalist?

Whatever the "real" message behind the Arab revolutions, one thing is clear- God needs to work on his communication skills.

Hat tip to Failed Messiah.

Godwin Watch 2011

In the spirit of being even-handed, I present: left-wing idiots abusing and exploiting Holocaust imagery.

Behold, they exist. And, just like Glenn Beck, Steve Cohen, and Bill O'Reilly, I wish they'd shut the hell up.

Hat-tip: Jeffrey Goldberg.

Defender of the Jerk

Glenn Beck has come out apologizing for his stupid comments about Reform rabbis on Tuesday. Being Beck, of course, there is a lot of rambling and meandering around what should be a rather simple admission (I screwed up, it was wrong, I apologize). First he pats himself on the back for being honest enough to admit his mistakes, unlike the New York Times (because that's relevant). He moves on to, first, blaming his comment on an unnamed friend (?) who he "trusts on things like this". So apparently Glenn Beck has an idiot Ortho-friend who he's tapped to be his Secretary of Jewish Affairs. Awesome.

Beck admits he made "one of the worst analogies of all time" and says he realized it even as he was making it but still "kept going," for reasons he doesn't bother to explain. I'm guessing it's either because he just didn't care, or because he thought it would get him more attention, and he likes that. He goes on to say that he's on radio for four hours a day and therefore, I don't know, should get a free pass for being a dumbass. Hmm, maybe if 4 hours a day results in making you say stupid crap on the radio, you should ask for a shorter show, Glenn. This is like a pilot continually crashing planes and blaming it on the fact that their route is too long. Beck finishes by talking about Abe Foxman, with whom he doesn't "agree with on, I think, anything." This is funny, given how pro-Israel Beck talks about being, and given that Israel advocacy is something Foxman has been on a tear about for the past decade-plus. I guess Beck's Jew Secretary has been slacking off.

So there it is, Beck is "sorry." Sorry for what, exactly? His comparison to radical Islamists. Not that he suggested Reform rabbis aren't real rabbis. Certainly not for his Holocaust rhetoric which he was getting criticized for in the first place. Nope, just the Islam thing. Typical.

But if you think Beck's comments were frustrating, you haven't seen anything yet. At almost the same time that Beck was apologizing, the Jewish Week posted an anti-Reform diatribe from its Associate Editor Jonathan Mark (since removed, replaced with an apology. It's nice, but I'd personally prefer to keep the post up so Mark's stupid column could be seen and ridiculed by all).

When Glenn Beck says that Reform Judaism is like radical Islam, insofar as both are more about politics than faith, he’s being unfair to radical Islam. 

Yes, both are deeply involved with politics and confuse their own politics with God’s. 

But radical Islamists seems to be much more serious about their religion. 

Reform rabbis often lead congregations whose overall culture is indifferent to Shabbat and kashrut, indifferent to daily prayer and intermarriage, and indifferent to religious literacy.

It wasn't a huge shock to hear this crap from Mark, who's not only a political conservative but also an experienced Reform-basher. Mark has criticized Reform Judaism previously, both for accepting "illegal aliens" in the ranks of the Jewish people (Jews of patrilineal descent) and for condoning gay marriage. And yes, he still seems particularly bothered about the Clinton-Mezvinsky wedding.

Only a Reform rabbi would officiate at an intermarriage on Shabbat itself, as did Rabbi James Ponet at Chelsea Clinton’s wedding. A Radical Islamist wouldn’t do that. 

Not even the Ten Commandments are as important to a Reform rabbi as intermarriage. The integrity of Shabbat (Commandment Four) was considered so meaningless that the ceremony couldn’t even wait until sunset. With a Reform rabbi, officiating for Clinton, a political figure, was more important than Shabbat, faith.

Not that Mark cares about things like details, but there actually is some data on this issue showing that, rather than the blanket approval he pretends was magically passed by the Great Sage Eric Yoffie shlita, the Reform movement has basically left the decision to officiate at intermarriages up to their individual rabbis. Reform rabbis thus run the gamut from people who will marry a couple if one partner is Jewish, regardless of what the other's beliefs are, to those who will only marry a couple if the partner makes a commitment to raise Jewish children and/or convert, all the way to those who won't marry anyone unless both partners are Jewish. It's a spectrum and depends entirely on the rabbis in question. Where there has been a top-down approach has been in how the movement has chosen to respond to families that want to join synagogues in which one parent is not Jewish. And, not that Mark wants to hear it, but Reform is not alone in paying attention to facts on the ground and noticing that marrying a non-Jew does not automatically mean that one is abandoning one's Jewish identity.

In response to this loss, Conservative Judaism has gradually begun including non-Jewish parents in life-cycle events. Rabbis might not officiate at mixed marriages, but they will often refer couples to someone who does and will provide prenuptial counseling. They will integrate the non-Jewish spouse in synagogue life after marriage. 

Even Orthodoxy has responded to the challenge of intermarriage. The haredi Eternal Jewish Family project actively encourages the non-Jewish spouse of a mixed marriage to convert to Judaism if he or she is willing to embrace an Orthodox lifestyle. This marks a departure from a more stringent position in Orthodoxy that rejects the possibility of conversion for the spouse of someone who has chosen to marry outside the faith.

Haredi rabbi and ex-Shas MK Chaim Amsellem has also waded into the pool with his book Zerah Israel, which argues that there are tangible ways for a person with Jewish heritage who is not halachically Jewish to demonstrate their "seriousness" and solidarity with the Jewish people, effectively establishing a third category apart from Jew and Gentile. According to Amsellem, this approach builds off traditional halachic sources.

It’s hard to imagine a Reform rabbi who didn’t frequently take political positions. Among their political positions is that we shouldn’t be Islamophobic; we should know that jihad is a spiritual struggle, not a violent one; that imams are moderates until proven otherwise. OK, all the more reason Beck is right. Reform rabbis themselves say that Islam is first a religion of peace, more than politics. 

It’s had to imagine a Reform rabbi who isn’t infatuated with the great Reform legends of fighting for Darfur, being part of the (imaginary) black-Jewish alliance, advocating for gay and transgender rights, hating Bush and Sarah Palin, cheering Obama’s pressure on Israel, all of which these Reform rabbis will attribute to their faith but it sure sounds like politics.

And it's really hard to imagine a Jonathan Mark column where he doesn't just aim his rear towards his computer and let loose.

First, what this boils down to is that Mark has done zero research into sussing out how many Reform rabbis are politically active. Zero. Not that this stopped him from opening his mouth. Second, like Beck, he conveniently focused his attention exclusively on Reform rabbis, pretending as if Orthodox Judaism (or its rabbis) was somehow apolitical. That would be very interesting news, considering how active Orthodox activists, politicians and leaders are in America, certain communities in Europe, and particularly in Israel. There are five explicitly Orthodox political parties sitting in the Knesset right now (nine, if you count all the single-MK parties that make up the National Union coalition). I don't see Mark attacking any of them for political activity. I don't see him criticizing Hasidic rebbes for playing king-maker in New York elections, or going after nutjobs like Yehuda Levin for making the rounds of Fox News and MSNBC. This is a double-standard, pure and simple. And while Mark has the right to disagree with the political positions or orientation that a movement or denomination supports (explicitly or implicitly), intellectual honesty requires him to take a good look at his own spiritual home as well. For every Reform rabbi who advocates for GLBT rights I bet you can find an Orthodox one who opposes them, for every one who is anti-Bush or Palin you can find one who supports them (and vice-versa with Obama). As Mark said, you can call these positions faith, but there's no question they're political as well. Why is it ok if you're Orthodox? Why is it ok if you're a Republican?

Radical Islamic leaders don’t go around saying that religion just means being ethical and good and voting for Democrats, the way most Reform rabbis do. Radical Islam believe that faith demands personal service to God, not just service to each other. 

Radical Islamic leaders don’t define their faith so singularly with one political party, as do most Reform rabbis, who seem to believe that Judaism never, ever, says no to liberal dogma. Their Reform Jewish faith, to hear so many tell it. is indistinguishable from their Reform Jewish poliitics. To many Reform leaders, the left can disagree with the Torah but the Torah can never disagree with the left. When in conflict, the Torah must adapt.

Reform Judaism teaches that part of service to God involves focusing on people, too. And they didn't invent in in Germany or Cincinnati, it goes back to the Ten Commandments.

And not to belabor the point, but imagine Mark's frustration if someone were to write a hit piece about Orthodox Jews, much less rabbis, with the same cavalier stereotyping he's employing. There are plenty of nasty things one could say about Orthodox rabbis elevating certain parts of the Torah (such as tzniut) over other values both secular and religious (such as human rights) but the implication is that that's ok because Orthodox Jewish politics come from the Torah.

Like Beck, Mark tries to talk out of both sides of his mouth:

There are many Reform Jews that I love and greatly admire. These are my people. I’d rather be the worst Reform Jew than the very best Islamist.

Uh huh. As I've said before, I'm pretty sure these friends don't actually exist. If they do I doubt they'll be friends much longer.

The last salvo really says it all:

Beck’s a better man than George Soros, and he’s a better Jew, too. If something bad, God forbid, ever happened to Israel, I’m convinced it would bother Beck more. One guy cares about me and the two countries I love. One guy doesn’t. 

I don’t like it when someone who cares about us so much is hated, is laughed at, because his caring is imperfect.

There you have it. Beck explicitly lied about Soros and accused him of being a Nazi collaborator, and Mark defends him. Ridiculously, he even says he's a "better Jew" than Soros, which is pretty funny given that you're comparing a religious Mormon to a secular Jew. I'm not sure exactly what High Priest Jonathan based this analysis on, but I suppose it's by virtue of the fact that Beck likes Israel and isn't Reform. (No word on whether Beck would count as a better Jew than a Reform rabbi, though-- I'm particularly curious about how he would stack up compared to this guy.)

Mark says he doesn't like it when someone cares about Jews and is hated and laughed at for it. Which is pretty funny considering how much ahavat yisrael this column is dripping with. If that's caring, Mark and Beck deserve each other.

Glenn Beck and the Rabbis

School's off and I've had some time to kill, so I decided to take a closer look at the ongoing mess involving Glenn Beck and the Jewish community. While you can go back and forth as to whether Beck is actually anti-semitic or merely just part of a long history of conservatives tapping into (coincidentally Jewish) cabal motifs when it serves their purposes, what I find much more interesting is his latest response to being called out on his flagrant violation of Godwin's law.

A brief timeline (abridged for short attention spans, including my own):

November 2010: Beck has three-part show attacking George Soros as a "Puppet Master." Among other odious comments are the claim that Soros was a Nazi collaborator who helped confiscate goods from Hungarian Jews and then later felt zero guilt about it. In reality, what Soros had said in interviews was that since he hadn't been party to any confiscations, he had nothing to feel guilty about. Beck also claimed Soros "helped send Jews to death camps," which there has been no evidence to support. In response, Jewish Funds of Justice and the ADL criticize Beck as being either ignorant or insensitive. Beck then turns around and suggests Soros doesn't really count as Jewish.

January 2011: Jewish Funds for Justice publishes their letter from 400 rabbis to Rupert Murdoch criticizing Beck's mischaracterization of Soros, his hundreds of comparisons of political opponents to Nazis, and Roger Ailes' dismissal of Jewish concerns about it. Full text here courtesy of signatory Rabbi Jason Miller. Breitbart-run Big Peace is one of the earliest critics, claiming the letter is the Jewish equivalent of "the race card" and is politically motivated. Another Breitbart affiliate, Big Journalism, runs a post from Jeff Dunetz, which attacks JFJ for its liberalism and slanders all 400 signatories for not seeking proof of Beck's actions or getting his side of the story before signing the letter. Jonathan Tobin of Commentary has similar remarks. Fox News issues a short dismissive statement of their own:  

"We haven't seen the ad, but this group is a George Soros backed left-wing political organization that has been trying to engage Glenn Beck primarily for publicity purposes."

Cute.

February 2011: In an interview discussing Beck's comments, Soros compares Fox News' programming to Nazi propaganda. Right-wing commentators have a field day. Jewish conservatives attack the Rabbi Letter as one-sided again. Deciding that no one engages him for publicity purposes and gets away with it, Beck decides to poke the proverbial hornets' nest again for good measure and says this:

BECK: ...When you talk about rabbis, understand that most -- most people who are not Jewish don't understand that there are the Orthodox rabbis, and then there are the Reformed rabbis. Reformed rabbis are generally political in nature. It's almost like Islam, radicalized Islam in a way, to where it is just -- radicalized Islam is less about religion than it is about politics. When you look at the Reform Judaism, it is more about politics... It's not about terror or anything else, it's about politics, and so it becomes more about politics than it does about faith. Orthodox rabbis -- that is about faith. There's not a single Orthodox rabbi on this list. This is all Reformed rabbis that were -- that made this list.

Not surprisingly, Beck has been slapped down by the Reform movement, ADL and various other Jewish groups. To his credit, conservative Jonathan Tobin was quick to note just how ridiculous the statement was.

It’s true that most Reform rabbis are political liberals, just as most American Jews are liberals, a reality that COMMENTARY has been known to lament. And it is also true that a standing joke about Reform has been to say that its theology consisted of the Democratic Party platform with holidays thrown in. But if that jibe hits home about the core beliefs of many Reform Jews, it is erroneous to put down the movement per se as a purely political entity. However much many liberal Jews have come to see their faith in terms that have tended to merge their political beliefs with their religious identity, Reform Judaism is a venerable religious movement above and beyond political activism that is due the same respect that any other denomination of one of our country’s great faiths deserves. Many of its rabbis are, and have been, political activists (including many who are ardent Zionists), but that does not justify putting their faith down as mere politics. To do so is to manifest the sort of disrespect for religion that is more usually associated with the left than the right.

Well put.

Since the names are all public, I decided to do some Googling. In the process I started realizing just how wrongheaded Beck's position on the rabbis-- and Jewish discourse in general-- is.

The letter was supposedly signed by 400 rabbis (see below for the final count). I tried to find out where each one fit denomination-wise. While the lion's share were ordained in the Reform movement, there was a big chunk from the Conservative movement as well, with some representation from the smaller Reconstructionist and Renewal movements. But things were also more complicated than that. There were rabbis who were raised Orthodox who became ordained in more liberal seminaries. Several rabbis were ordained in one movement and now work in synagogues affiliated with another one. Some of their synagogues were unaffiliated with any movement. And there were at least ten who were ordained in "trans-denominational" seminaries like the Academy of Jewish Religion in NY or Hebrew College in Newton, MA.

The more I read up on the backgrounds of the rabbis involved, the more I read about the energy, scholarship, and hard work that each of them has put into their profession-- all the more significant given the trend of Jews to turn away from organized community life in the past 50 years-- the more I started getting angry. I was really bothered by the idea that these people's "Jew-cred" rested on whether they got their degree from Hebrew Union College or Yeshivat Chovevei Torah or Jewish Theological Seminary or Yeshivat Bat Ayin or had a private ordination through Rabbi Zalman Schachter-Shalomi, Shlomo Riskin, or Nechamia Goldberg-- as if Beck had ever heard of any of them!

Never mind that about half the signatories were female, which necessitates that they would have to come from a non-Orthodox stream of Judaism. Never mind that several of the rabbis on the letter are from Latin America, which has its own historical influences from Sephardic Judaism that, depending on your perspective, make traditional Conservative Judaism closer to the "authentic" approach practiced by the communities there for hundreds of years than the increasingly Haredi push of today's Orthodoxy. God knows what Beck would make of Rabbi Aaron Katz, who was an Orthodox rabbi for most of his adult life, then came out as gay, and now works within the Reform movement. Tell me, Glenn, how shall we "count" him? (Technically he has Orthodox smicha...) Never mind that quite a few of the Reform rabbis were members of the Reform Zionists of America, or that some of them have even served in the IDF, putting the lie to Beck's tired line that "nobody is more pro-Israel or pro-Jewish" than him.

Beck knows nothing of this. And he doesn't care. He has no knowledge of the complexities of denominationalism in Jewish life, nor any apparent awareness that Orthodoxy has a left wing. He doesn't even appear to know that there are other Jewish denominations besides Orthodox and Reform. I would hazard a guess that Beck's view of Judaism could be boiled down to- "the Orthodox are conservative and like me, so they're real Jews. Everyone else is a liberal faker." Beck's transparent attempt to exploit the divisions and labels used within the Jewish community not only serves as another wake-up call as to how complicated-- and in many cases, outdated-- these identities have become, they also show that he has no idea of what he's talking about.

At a certain point, I started feeling like merely doing the bean-counting exercise was giving some sort of credence to Beck's argument, as if politically liberal Jews needed to justify their religious bona fides for the likes of some schmoe who probably couldn't tell you the difference between halakha and hamantashen. Who is Glenn Beck to dictate who is a "real rabbi?"

While there are lots of points and arguments that could be made about Soros, Beck, or the rabbis' letter (for instance, if the goal was to present a united front, why not try to get more Orthodox names on it?), what is undeniable is that Beck's ignorance about the realities of Jewish life and faith should disqualify him from making any public comments on issues facing our community, much less attacking the legitimacy of our clergy or denominations. If he wants to get attention for being a twit and comparing every liberal under the sun to Hitler, he should have the integrity to take the criticism on the chin if people get upset. If he wants to disagree with the rabbis, then do so. But don't sidestep the issue by implying that the rabbis aren't real rabbis. If nothing else, this tactic shows just how dishonest-- and cowardly-- Beck is when it comes to taking criticism.

For the bean-counters, here are the final stats: (Note- it appears that the original ad only contained 240 names. Not sure whether it reached 400 afterwards or if nobody at JFJ or the news media knows how to count.)

Reform- 125
Conservative- 70
Reconstructionist- 24
Renewal- 15
Orthodox- 6 (YCT- Sam Feinsmith, Shmuly Yanklowitz [second smicha from R. Shlomo Riskin] , Yeshiva Bat Ayin- David Jaffe, YU- Chaim Seidler-Feller, Jay Weinstein [second smicha from R. Zalman Nechamia Goldberg], smicha from R. Riskin- David Kalb)

For one rabbi's personal response to Beck's latest shot, see this post from Rabbi Rachel Gurevitz.

Crazies Threaten Us All

Apparently the readers of World Net Daily have really, really easy problems. So easy that, having dealt with all other issues that could possibly come up in their lives, they've decided to go looking for nonexistent outrages to complain about. WND is happy to help, especially if it involves making crap up about Muslims.

Case in point:

Are you eating food sacrificed to idols?

All you guys that make fun of mevushaling wine, take notice! Apparently Zeus and the gang have gotten a real boost from this whole Percy Jackson thing and they're back in prime time, gaining new strength after each idolatrous libation! The time to act is nigh! Start looting the stores and replacing all the Cianti with Magen David.

... Oh wait, hang on. Turns out it's dumber than that.

When you bite into a delicious pizza, succulent sandwich or luscious lamb chops, are you possibly eating food that has been sacrificed to idols?

I suppose... how exactly does one sacrifice a pizza?

An outspoken American pastor says yes, and he's sounding the alarm for Christians to be aware of the Islamic influence he calls "backdoor Shariah" now nibbling its way across the fruited plain.

Judging by the unfortunate puns, even the writer of this hit piece can't take the pastor seriously.

At issue, says Mark Biltz of El Shaddai Ministries in Bonney Lake, Wash., is eating food that's "halal," in other words "lawful" or "permitted" for the Muslim diet. 

El Shaddai ministries? Really? WHY?

Muslims join many Jews and some Christians in avoiding the consumption of certain animals such as pigs and birds of prey, but those of the Islamic faith also have their meat blessed in the name of their god, Allah.

"From the Christian standpoint, Allah would be an idol," Biltz told WND.

How do you figure? What's the textual evidence for that? AFAIK, Allah is another name for the same diety. That's not idolatry, that's translation.

In a sermon last weekend which he posted online, Biltz explained, "In order for it to be halal, they have to slaughter the animal facing Mecca ... and they have to say this prayer about Allah is great and greater than all other gods. Muslims can only eat food that is halal, that has been sacrificed to their idol, Allah ... and with Allah's name prayed over it."

But again, that's not idolatry if you believe that Allah and the "God" of the Bible are the same, which has historically been the Muslim position. You may believe that this is not true, but from the Islamic perspective, saying that prayer is not a way to dump on the Christian god. It's talking about the same personality.

"You could be eating beef, chicken, etc., offered up to Allah and not even know it. I can just imagine at a Passover Seder the caterer unbeknownst to anyone is serving halal meat! It could be on your pizza without you knowing it, or at your favorite restaurant. People don't realize they could be eating meat sacrificed to idols!"

Hey stupid, why can't you leave us out of this?

Ok, let's work this one through. If you're having a seder, you are either keeping kosher or not. If you are, there is a 99.9% chance that your food is most certainly NOT halal. If you're eating non-kosher, I suppose it's a possibility... but it's likely you don't care. See how that works? No outrage, no issue. Move on.

He notes New Testament instructions specifically warning Christians:

"Stay away from food that has been offered to idols (which makes it unclean), any kind of sexual sin, eating animals that have been strangled, and blood." (Acts 15:20, New Century Version)

"As for the Gentile Christians, all we ask of them is what we already told them in a letter: They should not eat food offered to idols, nor consume blood, nor eat meat from strangled animals, and they should stay away from all sexual immorality." (Acts 21:25 New Living Translation)

Hang on, NOW Christians are going to start being dietary literalists? A little late to the party, guys. You'll ignore the myriad of Old Testament passages about what to eat, but no way you're going to eat idolatrous pot roast! Incidentally, if you're worried about eating meat from strangled animals, here's a question: how do you think we kill fish? Unless your local fisherman is tasering them or using a cool speargun, they're getting lifted out of the water and suffocating without air. Sounds like strangling to me.

Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot, this is an excuse to yell about Muslims. You know how I get off track.

Biltz quotes directly from a Muslim-run site titled, "The Islamic Guidelines to Slaughtering Animals" to let Christians know some of the procedures involved in making sure meat is halal.

Those bastards! How dare they explain their customs to others. The last time I was this offended was when I was in a shul and noticed a sign that asked people to "Please remove your tallis before going into the restroom." Who are they to tell me how they do things?

Biltz is also publicizing a Muslim website called Zabihah.com which bills itself as the world's largest guide to halal restaurants and products. Consumers wondering where they can purchase halal food simply need to click on their geographic location.

Wow, someone better hope we never get on this guy's bad side. I imagine that sites like the Kosher Food Interface will not fare well.

"This is coming to a store near you. This is all over," says Biltz, who is especially concerned about restaurants serving halal meats.

"At a restaurant, you're not going to know [if the food is halal] unless you ask," he said. "I think we need to be aware of these things because they don't want Christians to know because they just want to sell it and get it out there. ... A lot of people don't want you to know it's going all over the world. Christians are upset as they're finding out about this because Christians are saying, 'How come you didn't tell me?'"

Maybe they assumed you wouldn't care... you know, because there's no good reason for you to care. Halal meat is not "unclean" for Christians to eat. Yes, of course you should have the right to eat or not eat whatever you want. But there's a not-so-subtle undercurrent of xenophobia here that is really quite creepy. It's like Blitz is blaming Muslims for having the audacity to start their own businesses to feed themselves, or for becoming a big enough market that food companies are starting to cater to them.

If someone is shopping in a supermarket, there are numerous symbols that help consumers know if a product is indeed certified as halal-compliant, some of which can be seen here:

Hmm, a list of logos that pretends to be for "informational" purposes but which is really designed to facilitate a xenophobic boycott/freak-out? Where have I seen something like this before? Oh yeah:

And here's the thing: the reasoning between the Kosher Tax myth and the crap Blitz is spewing out are closer than you might realize at first blush. Both are predicated on foundational misunderstandings about another culture's dietary laws and religious teachings about food. Both imagine that outsiders are somehow being harmed if they eat kosher or halal products, and that even if they're not, the mere fact that businesses are catering to them is some sort of threat or violation of their own rights. Both arguments masquerade as just wanting to "inform" people while actually sowing misinformation, distrust, and division between people. Both depend on turning "the other" into someone totally foreign from "us real Americans", or whatever. What's new (and worse) is that now the trope of "creeping Shariah" is being used to suggest that wherever a Subway starts serving halal food, a terrorist training camp can't be far behind.

Sadly, this crap isn't restricted to just American wackos like Blitz or most of WND's readership:

Bryan Fischer, director of issue analysis for government and public policy at the American Family Association, said Americans need to look at what's been taking place in Britain when it comes to the expansion of Islamic food standards.

"Folks in hospitals, schools, and pubs across the U.K. have been eating food that has first been blessed in the name of the demon-God Allah but know nothing about it," Fischer wrote in a column last fall.

"So Christians in the U.K. have been eating meat over which Islamic rituals have been pronounced, and most of the lamb sold there has had an Islamic prayer said over it at the point of slaughter. ... The prayer? 'Bismillah Allah-hu-Akbar,' which means 'In the name of Allah, who is the greatest.' Some chicken butchers in the U.K. slaughter chickens using an automatic circular saw while a tape recorder intones the Islamic prayer. I kid you not."

Um, ok? And? I don't understand what I'm supposed to be offended about. Is it the saw? The tape recorder? I don't get it.

Biltz stresses he's not against halal food, halal stores or Muslims, but says "Christians may want to know that they're eating halal food. It's not so much a religious thing, but an awareness thing."

Yeah, and I'm a magical flying salmon. (Now offered in a tasty Halal version!)

Accomodations

First, let me make a happy announcement: Shiksa Girlfriend is now Shiksa Fiancee!

The proposal went very nicely, she is happy, and so am I.

However...

I put off being engaged because of the assorted stress and bullshit I anticipated it would bring, assuming (correctly), that these things were not things we were perhaps not best equipped to deal with in the midst of finishing grad school or slogging through first years of employment.

That said, SG (SF?) was right in smacking me down a peg over dinner several weeks ago (right before my proposal) when she said that life is rarely convenient, and you don't always get to plan things like you want. So here we are.

Now the troubles begin. SF, having waited five-plus years of dating to be engaged, is good and ready to be married. Given that her siblings are still in school, she decided that summer would be a good time. Except Abbot and Mother Superior Yid and I have a family trip to Poland planned in July, and since I don't know what school I'll be at in the fall, my August is one big question mark. This leaves June, specifically mid-June, to avoid conflicting with school ending and other relative misheggos.

So, we have a date. Next problem- venue and food. SF and my tastes and expectations tend to skew low, as Abbot Yid has said, we have "beer tastes on a beer budget."

Mama Yid, on the other hand, does not. As part of her ongoing quest to reincarnate into her mother before age 60, Mama Yid continues to offer lots of advice (some even solicited!) about how to make sure the wedding is "elegant."

One area where this has come up again and again is over food. We like food. Our friends and family like food. We don't like it when food is bad, or when a lack of thoughtfulness about people's dietary restrictions prevents them from enjoying said food. We want good food at the wedding. We also want to be able to accommodate:

- People who are lactose-intolerant (Abbot Yid and me)
- People who are gluten-intolerant (Abboy Yid and Granny Yid)
- People who are vegetarian (three or four college friends)

So there's a need for some creativity. So far epic verbal duels have been fought over Mama Yid's first idea- "Get everything catered", which got a fiery riposte from SF, "How about ordering a large take-out selection from the Sandwich Shoppe?" Things have slowly improved from there.

Another area of contention is the venue. We have decided to go with a lovely building near our apartment that is meaningful for us (local blog readers will know it as the lair of Evil Minion). This, however, has proven to be a big issue with the Yids, who think we should have it in the neighborhood association clubhouse behind their house. Yes, it is a nice place, and yes, there is a discount, but it is somewhat marred by the fact that it is directly behind my parents' house. SF has told them over and over that she doesn't want to do it there, but for some reason they can't let it go. We're hoping this will stop once we finally sign a contract with the Lair.

Another odd phenomenon we're running into is SF's parents slowly coming around to the idea that this is going to be a Jewish wedding, inasmuch as any religious content will be Jewish. I think they've finally accepted that SF is not coming back to the Protestant fold, though this has manifested itself in surprising ways, to wit:

- Habakkuk checked a coffee-table book out from the library entitled Planning Your Jewish Wedding.

- He emailed us a list of suggested Israeli songs and nigguns to consider adding to our playlist.

Oddly enough, Habakkuk is very strongly convinced of the importance of music at this event. When he asked me what hymns were traditional at weddings, I responded, "Hava Negila?" He was not amused.

Then, in our most recent conversation, this happened:

Habakkuk: You know, part of making special memories is having live music. You should hire a band. I'll even pay for it.

Me: Ok, what kind of band? (Assuming, like my mother, Habakkuk has some strange esoteric interest in ballroom dancing. Because why not.)

Habakkuk: This book says Klezmer is traditional. How about that?

Me: Um, ok. I'll write that down in the suggestion notebook!

One hour later:

Me: Hi Mom, so the latest from Habakkuk is that he thinks we should have live music.

Mama Yid: I couldn't agree more. That way we can have some dancing. People will expect it, after all.

Me: Yeah, funny thing is, he thinks it should be a Klezmer band.

Mama Yid:.........

Me: Hello? Are you there?

Mama Yid (strained): You go ahead and decide what you're doing, and then I'll decide if I'm coming.

Man, you try to please some people and it gets you nowhere. Poor us Habakkuk.

More to come, I'm sure.

Fun with pictures

Tzvi and Lazer have been busy in the New Year. Lazer's revamped his site a little, adding a snappy new frontispiece:

Though I know it's supposed to show his deep spiritual side, I can't help instantly coming up with "Rabbi Blockhead." Does this make me a terrible person?

But wait, there's more. Tzvi's been writing about his favorite topic again, masturbation. To try to encourage all wayward Jews to repent during the six-week Shovavim period, when the Torah readings cover the Exodus section of the Torah. Tzvi says that scoffers should be careful about making fun of the Jewish tradition of treating Shovavim as a great time for working on sexual transgressions. In particular, he says porn surfers and folks who don't observe niddah should know that it's just a matter of time before their sins get unleashed on their innocent family members. (Truly, our God is an awesome God...)

For this reason, our Sages call out to us to return in repentance at this time of “Shovavim,” saying, “Shuvu banim shovavim,” (Jeremiah, 3:14) “Return you rebellious children.”

Quite. However Tzvi's next move is truly awe-inspiring for its randomness. Tzvi now transfers the identity of the "children" from lost Jews to their lost seed. Um, gross.

Because semen contains myriads of living souls, when a person willfully transgresses, or errs in whatever manner, these souls, and the Holy Names of Hashem which they possess, are lost and compelled to wander painfully in an impure netherworld, unless they are rectified through the sincere t’shuva of the person who sinned. The best time for this repentance, to rescue these spiritual “children,” “banim shovavim,” from bondage, is the period of “Shovavim.”

I don't want to picture what this particular rescue would look like. Presumably it would be called something like "Operation Sticky Carpet."

To wrap up this bizarre train of thought, Tzvi provides us with a delightfully brain-melting image: A (prayer?)-robot rescuing a lost sperm, complete with kamikaze-esque battle cry.

My God, why hast thou forsaken me?

The Meaning of Things

Despite the wide political gulf between my would-be hippy father Abbot Yid and his more McCain- (or Goldwater)-esque brothers, Milt and Moe, one thing that everyone agreed on the last time politics were discussed was that they can't stand Sarah Palin.

In discussing her ridiculous use of the "blood libel" to complain about the media attacking her for attacking people who were then physically attacked, Rabbi Andy Bachman illustrates some of the reasons why:

Sarah Palin is smart; but not particularly deep or capable of rendering historical terms with accuracy or nuance.  She is passionately sanctimonious and deeply committed to her Evangelical Christian faith, promising to care for America "with a servant's heart" while at the same time deeply isolated by a bubble of advisers who seem to aid her plotting machinations with a singularity of purpose that is impressively focused, if only on herself.  And typical of the pathological narcissism that runs through the veins of so many celebrities in our country, she can rarely have the humility to know the difference between moral scrutiny and self-reflection and that pernicious expression of victimhood and martyrdom that she does so well.  The act of true political bravery she pretends to have by selling her image was another missed opportunity.  "You know, all of us say or represent ideas irresponsibly sometimes; and I will admit that targeting political opponents with the graphic representation of the cross-hairs of a gun was a bad idea."  We know she didn't pull the trigger; but what would have been so wrong about taking responsibility for an overly partisan political climate?  We are all responsible.

...I don't think she hates Jews; I think she admires us.  I don't think she hates Israel; I think she admires it.  So when she uses the term "blood-libel," in her own weird way, she's actually identifying with us.  Guilt by association!

...Ironically, both Pain and Dershowitz are guilty--not of blood libel but of an ahistorical hubris and a politically self-righteous arrogance that only further debases our already noisy civil discourse.  The notion that we have a "victim" in a multi-millionaire celebrity, whose every opinion is carefully crafted and broadcast throughout the world, who is in the rarest of positions to serve her nation in higher office, is one of the great absurdities of the day.

I think some of Rabbi Bachman's observations are spot on. However there are a few areas where we differ: I wouldn't describe Palin as smart but rather extremely ambitious. Obviously it takes some intelligence to be able to properly position yourself within the political system and to play the media and your base against each other so that in any discussion, your name keeps coming up, but I see that as being more about having good marketing instincts rather than any particularly deep thoughtfulness or intellectual curiosity.

Indeed, everything about the public Palin seems to exude contempt for those who think, for those who aren't always sure of things, for those who question and doubt-- much less research-- before they form an opinion. Palin is all about the (seemingly) quick answers, the immediate, folksy wisdom about what to do in every situation, an always friendly, bubbly confidence. A beauty queen with a shot-gun. What to do about creationism and evolution? Teach them both. Or don't, whatever. What about the tricky ethical issues of abortion in cases of rape and incest? "Choose life."  What we do about Afghanistan? "We can win." Counseling about end-of-life choices and living wills become "Death Panels." Palin isn't a thinker or a doer, she's a sloganeer in search of a cause to make posters for.

The problem is that Palin's rhetoric about how great or tough or knowledgeable she is never seems to match what she's capable of delivering. Palin spends lots of time pretending she knows what she's talking about, and her ego is such that regardless of how many times it's shown she's wrong, she can never acknowledge it. Instead everything is a smear, an attack, a blood libel. Because there's no substance to her positions, there's no room for discussing the nuances of disagreement.

Palin is always on the attack, whether she has someone or something in particular to go after or not. And this is really where, in my view, her anti-intellectualism comes out. When Palin is attacking something, details stop mattering. Palin exemplifies the new media politics, which uses the short bursts of Twitter over in person, sometimes drawn out discussions of, say, an in-person debate. Palin has done an excellent job of capitalizing off a political and cultural atmosphere in which people's attention span is limited to 180 characters.

This is what gets under my skin about her. At the end of the day, I don't think most politicians are so different from Palin. I think lots of them are ambitious, wishy-washy, intellectually lazy, and probably more than a little hypocritical. But when she wraps herself in the mantle of a would-be Founding Mother-- and when she uses her position as one of the top figures in the increasingly loud (but unfocused) Tea Party-- to continue describing a vision of an America of good guys and bad guys, patriots and traitors, authentic heartland-ers and clueless coastal elitists, she is demonstrating that she doesn't care about the truth. She is saying that truth, facts, and details don't matter. That history doesn't matter, that nuance and context don't matter. In Palin's worldview, the important thing is what side you're on, not the nitty-gritty of what you say, do, or believe. That everything is black and white, and that since she's a good guy, you had better make sure you're one, too. For Palin, it truly doesn't matter what "blood libel" means, because Palin and the Jews are on the same side. The true meaning of words don't matter, they're just weapons to be used. Palin's approach to knowledge is purely utilitarian.

With such a background, how can you even be surprised at anything that comes out of Palin's mouth? So, no, I can't be as charitable as Rabbi Bachman. To me, Sarah Palin isn't wrong. She's a jackass.

I'd like to say that I look forward to Palin disappearing from the political scene, but honestly, I think she's more a sign of the times. The sad thing is that as long as people like Palin are defended by equally complacent hacks like Buchanan, Boteach and Dershowitz who care more about getting noticed and selling books than examining whether this further trend of downplaying details in favor of promoting absurd rhetoric is good for the political discourse, I think we'll be seeing a lot more Palins in the future.

There's Bad Taste, Then There's Obscene

Am I alone on this? Prime Minister Netanyahu went to a memorial service for the 40-plus people killed in a horrible fire last month in Israel. Speaking to the victims' families, he said this:

“They left from here on the Carmel, soaring to the heavens on a chariot of fire”

Uh, Bibi? Maybe you think you're being poetic or something, but you really can't mention "chariot of fire" when a bunch of the victims died in a burning bus. Just like you wouldn't tell the widow of a man lost at sea that "Joe's finally found a safe harbor", or console the family of someone who died of cardiac arrest that "Bob was the heart and soul of the company."

This is the textbook definition of being a dick.

Am I being oversensitive, readers? Or is Bibi suffering from rhetorical Asperger's?

Hat-tip to Failed Messiah.

PSA from 1929

Things have been slow here on the blog, so I decided to try to look in some old newspapers for inspiration. By amazing coincidence, I stumbled upon a thorny issue that remains as relevant today as it did to the residents of Oshkosh, Wisconsin, back in the late 20s:

So true.

Since when is ignorance a Jewish value?

Since always, according to Tzvi Fishman. Apparently bored with making quasi-reasonable arguments promoting aliyah to Israel, Tzvi has decided to go back to his roots. His painful, aneurysm-inducing, roots.

 But the bottom line is that if you care about your children and want them to have a strong Jewish identity, and if you want your grandchildren to remain Jewish, and not some mixed-up, schizophrenic, half breeds, Israel is the one and only place where there’s a future for the Jews.

That's right, folks, Half-breeds. At best, Tzvi is comparing your kids to dogs. At worst, he's invoking some of the 20th century's least savory "thinkers," all in an attempt to goad you into heading for Hebron. This is like the time Levi Brackman wrote a column about how people that claim patrilineal descent is ok are letting Hitler define their Jewishness for them.

Tzvi's great test for determining Jewish identity? A random assortment of historical and pop cultural pictures, shown to some of his kids. His kids can't identify any of them. Not Lincoln's assassination, not Martin Luther King, not the Wright bros at Kitty Hawk, none. Granted, things like the Alamo or the Three Stooges are not necessarily the most relevant or significant thing a kid should know, but it takes some real chutzpah to pat yourself on the back that your kids don't know anything about another country's history.

Like I said, my kids didn't recognize any of the pictures. That shows that their heads aren’t polluted with a foreign gentile identity the way that Jewish kids in America think they’re half Jewish and half American, and that George Washington is their founding father and WDC their nation’s capital. My kids learn Jewish/Israel history in school and not American history, or Canadian history, or Australian history. They are truly Children of Israel, just like it says in the Torah.

Yes, go team Fishman.

Tzvi also has a counter-test he proposes administering to American Jewish kids of elementary age, to see if they can identify any of the famous Jewish scenes or leaders.

I’ll bet a bagel that none of them can identify more than 3 out of 10. Anyway you look at it, that’s a flunking grade. And I’m not talking about the vast majority of American kids from non-affiliated and assimilated families, who are stoned most of the day watching Internet porn, but even your typical Modern Orthodox, Monsey Satmarites, or Boro Park Hasidim – they’re just as Americanized as everyone else.

Of course, he's also cheating by blurring the line between Israeli culture/history, Jewish sages, and Zionist leaders. Sorry, Tzvi, there's no direct line connecting Herzl, Maimonides, and the Baba Sali. Also, funnily enough, I identified all of your pictures. Does this make me Jewishly "Smarter than a (Haredi) 5th grader?"

Tzvi followed this up a few days later with another quiz. I personally think it's less interesting and clever, but feel free to check it out if you've got too many brain cells and want to do some winter cleaning.

Oh, and speaking of winter, Tzvi's most recent post had a great line I just had to reproduce here:

Just so the jolly little elves and white-bearded Santas don’t fool you, it pays to recall the truth about Christianity... The “profane culture” [Rav Kook] writes about which has come to dominate Western civilization is the outgrowth of Christianity, whose doctrines of repression have now burst through Christianity’s outer guise of gentility and brotherhood in a monstrous storm of violence and hate.

That's right, anti-masturbation zealot Tzvi Fishman, owner and writer for Jewishsexuality.com Tzvi Fishman, "let's talk about the Secrets of the Brit" twelve more times Tzvi Fishman, is accusing Christianity of having "doctrines of repression!"

*Clap. Clap. Clap.*

Bra-va, sir.

Ending a Hiatus and a Stupid Look Back

Haven't blogged in a while; been busy wrapping up the school term. For my first ice-breaker, I'd like to congratulate Ohio's new governor, John Kasich. Kasich, of course, was a long-time Republican Congressman until 2001, when he decided he'd rather be President than Congressman. This, of course, did not happen, so Kasich went into the sweetest political exile possible for conservatives: becoming a Fox News blowhard. We here at the blog have been longtime, well, not quite fans, of Kasich, but at least admirers that he has enough self-control that he can say the things he does with a straight face.

In that spirit, here are two Kasich blasts from the past:

2006: I hate inconsistency! Only I'm allowed to do that!

2008:  The Heartland is Jewish. Also, I'm totally from the Heartland. Just check out the cool Main Street the Disneyland people built for us near the mega-mall.