A quick run-down of the candidates:
1- Yaakov "Bushy-tailed rabbit" Litzman. Ger Hasid, major political player in Ger for the past decade-plus. Along with Ravitz, is the primary mover and shaker among the Haredim, and basically serves as the Ger Rebbe's right-hand man (i.e., gets money for yeshivas, permits for new Bnei Braks, and spends his spare time fighting with non-Orthodox Jews). Before and after? I guess time moves a little differently when you think the world is precisely 5,766 years old and wear your alter-zayde's underwear. Litzman has managed to become Chairman of the Finance Ministry in the last two Knessets. His qualifications for controlling
2- Avraham "Grumpy" Ravitz. Degel HaTorah, MK since 1988. Served in Lehi and the IDF. Wow, a model for all Haredim. Ravitz has actually been quoted making some sense, something few of his counterparts can boast.
The Zionists were wrong, the deputy minister says. There is no need to foster love of the Land of Israel through political and military rule in the entire land. One can love Hebron even from Tel Aviv. By the same token, there is no need to link the attachment to Hebron by means of Israeli rule there; the city can be loved even if it is under Palestinian rule. The State of Israel is not a value... "Only matters of spirituality belong to the family of `values.'"Well done, Rabbi. You should be careful, though; you go around saying stuff like that and Rabbi Eliashiv might put you in cherem.
3- Meir "My friends call me Simba" Porush. Represents the smaller, primarily Hungarian, Hasidic sects. Served in the IDF, former Deputy Mayor of Jerusalem. Thinks, like Bill O'Reilly, that judges should be elected, thereby eliminating an even semi-independent judiciary. Supposedly started a short-lived hunger strike in 2003 to protest budget cuts from the Finance Ministry. Says secular Jews don't know how good they have it. "...without the political lobbying of Haredi MKs, the Haredi education system might collapse." Poor, poor Meir. Heaven forbid that the Haredim raise some money and finance their own damn schools. I mean, particularly since they give so much back to the IDF by studying gemara. I don't know how to feel about Meir. I mean, I'm happy he served in the IDF and was educated at a Talmudic college (hey, at least it has "college" in the name). At the same time, Meir's descended from a bunch of Lithuanian Misnagdim; his ancestor was Rabbi Shlomo Zalman Porush, the namesake of Meir's illustrious cousin, Rabbi Shlomo Zalman Auerbach, one of Jerusalem's bigwig Misnagdic rabbis. So what's he doing over at Agudah? How can I trust a man who turns his back on his own family's traditions? Sorry, Meir. No dice.
Meir, incidentally, replaced his father, Menachem, "I enjoy spitting on Reform prayerbooks and getting kicked out of Knesset meetings" Porush in 1996, after the former started running out of spit and left politics in order to devote more time to his hobbies, embezzling money from Bikur Holim hospital, and accusing the Israeli Supreme Court of antisemitism by making token gestures of semi-acceptance to non-Orthodox movements in Israel. Some might also remember Menachem's public synagogue beating from a group of Ger Hasidim in the 1980s after he told Simcha Bunim Alter, the rebbe at the time, to shove it when he instructed him to step down from the Knesset.
4- Moshe "I only have 3 kids? What kind of haredi am I?" Gafni. MK since 1988. Moshe does a lot of the general behind-the-scenes back-and-forth negotiations on behalf of Degel now that Ravitz is getting increasingly older and coming to resemble Jabba the Hut. He was the primary force behind getting UTJ back together for their new tour, the “Let’s screw these silly Zionists some more so our kids can pretend to sit and learn in kollel” tour. Better watch out, Black Sabbath, the UTJ Experience is gaining steam!
5- Shmuel Halpert. Vishnitz Hasid. MK since 1981. Grandson of the Nadvorner rebbe. (Know what this means? Shmuel and the Clevelander Rebbe are cousins! Well, he's got my vote.) Speaking three languages in addition to Hebrew, Shmuel is tied with fellow sometimes-MK Israel Eichler as the most multilingual of the UTJ list. Unfortunately, Shmuel's languages (Yiddish, German, and Rumanian) don't seem like they'd be all that useful in Israel.
6- Yaakov Cohen. Looks like he's totally stealing Shmuel's look. Hands of, Yaakov! Go practice your Vulcan salute. (Yaakov is going to be replaced by Israel Eichler mid-term because, as we all know, Belz has to have its chance to stick its fingers in the pot, too. BTW, Belz is apparently rather pissed about all this. Could there be a potential rebbe-fight in the future? Will we get to watch the caftans and gartles fly? The Friar will keep you posted.)
7- Uri "My hat weighs more than me" Maklev- Degel HaTorah. Deputy Mayor of Jerusalem. In 2000, Maklev, along with Porush, accused the Masorti movement of torching one of their own synagogues to "provoke" and incite against Haredim. When Meretz MK Naomi Chazan confronted the two, Ravitz called her an "antisemite and a liar". Classy.
8- Who am I kidding? We all know these guys aren't getting more than seven seats.
Israeli elections are tomorrow- time to sit back and watch the stupidity happen.
When I have more time, I’ll probably flesh out the UTJ experience some more- this could be the greatest hair band since Poison. (“On keytar: Meir the Beard Porush!”)
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