Colbert owes me money somehow, I'm sure of it

Sex, Lies and Video Games

In June 2003, two teenage brothers, William and Joshua Buckner, shot up several cars driving along a Tennessee highway. One person was killed and several others seriously injured. While the boys accepted “full responsibility”, the victims’ families were quick to blame another culprit: Grand Theft Auto Three, a video game the brothers said they were emulating. The families immediately filed a lawsuit against the company that developed the game. The families’ lawyer, Jack Thompson, told reporters at a press conference that they wanted to “send a message to …the…video game industry that if they're going to…market adult-rated games to children…then we're going to take their blood money from them.” Some nay-sayers were quick to “pooh-pooh” this theory, saying things like, “You shouldn’t blame someone’s lack of intelligence or moral fiber on a video game”, or “Money won’t bring back your loved ones,” or even, “You’re a real scumbag, Mr. Thompson, how do you sleep at night?”

I, however, disagreed with this consensus; whether we want to admit it or not, video games do influence us. I remember back when I first played “Doom”. It was a different time, then, and children were more innocent, without a care in the world- except for me. I was convinced that I was the last surviving member of a futuristic Marine force, with a vendetta against homicidal aliens. It’s painful to recall that for months, no man-killing Martian within two states of me was safe. Things didn’t improve with time: shortly after beginning “Streetfighter”, I found myself constantly picking fights with foreigners- it didn’t matter if they were Chinese, Russian, or developmentally-challenged mutates from Brazil, somehow I knew I had to beat them up for the betterment of mankind. Don’t even get me started on “Wolfenstein: 3D.” I know, we all thought killing Nazis was a good thing, but it can come back to haunt you- for instance, at your murder trial.

Some argue that violent games have always existed; after all, Baby Boomers grew up playing with real guns and other weapons, and they never had trouble differentiating between fantasy and reality. This argument is flawed, however, because today’s games have something that didn’t exist in the 50’s: Graphics. Yes, while little Timmy and Bobby may have spent hours playing “war” by throwing bricks or shooting BBs at each other, they never sat in front of a TV and shot an alien’s head off, watching pixilated blood splatter everywhere. Sorry, folks, but killing animated Demons in “Diablo II” and playing “Salem Witch Trials” in your backyard are two very different things, and it’s obvious which one is worse: Diablo II.

If only America had followed Australia’s lead and banned GTA 3 outright, this tragedy might have been avoided. Instead of imitating a game involving shooting cars, the Buckner brothers might have chosen something more wholesome, like the classic Atari 2600 game, “Custer’s Revenge”. Yes, while it may not have been big on graphics or plot, it did have something all decent and moral Americans could support: General George Armstrong Custer sexually assaulting a Native-American woman (coincidentally named “Revenge”) tied to a cactus. Not only did this ground-breaking game show that romance has a place in video games; it also taught men about persistence- Custer doesn’t just “get the girl”; he has to avoid arrows, too. Back then, companies cared about releasing a quality product, and the developers worked hard to make the game historically accurate by thoroughly researching and including specific details from Custer’s fascinating life; for instance, his noted passion for hot, steamy cactus sex. (Hear that, GTA 3? It’s a little thing called taking responsibility.) Experts note that in the twenty years since Custer’s Revenge was released, it has never been linked to a single crime.

But don’t just take my word that GTA 3 is “evil” – let’s ask the objective folks over at “Christian Spotlight”. According to Scott, their “Christian gaming reviewer”, GTA 3 urges players to commit “virtual sins.” Not only does it have “sleazy-looking gang leaders”, but also “immoral gunplay”- as opposed to the other kind, found exclusively in Charlton Heston movies. While the game’s graphics are good, “all the work involves committing some kind of atrocious sin for profit”, and therefore Scott was forced to give it a lowly “1 out of 5 Christian rating”, much less than Christian-friendly games like “Marble Drop” and “Luigi’s Mansion”. While Luigi’s Mansion did contain “questionable” things like ghosts and Italian people, they were apparently not offensive enough to violate the “Christian Gamer Code”. I’m not sure I’d agree with that, but it’s your call, Scott.

So pay attention, parents! Monitor your children’s games! Keep them away from violence, sex, swearing, drugs, lying, or anything else resembling reality! ...After all, that’s what the news is for.