Humor V

Written after the 2004 election. Most research ever put into one of these. Not sure it was worth it.

Canada to Americans: Stay Oot!

The Canadian Parliament met in Ottawa yesterday to discuss a controversial plan: In response to growing rumors of a mass American exodus following President Bush’s re-election, some law-makers, thought to be backed by the Prime Minister, Paul Martin, have proposed building a massive border-wall along the 49^th parallel. The plan has mass support among Parliament.

The debates began with a short speech from the Minister of Defense, Bill Graham: “The time is now, and the issue is dire. According to our intelligence services, there has been a lot of “chatter”, particularly over the Internet, since 11/02, and we have little doubt that these teeming American hordes pose a real and credible threat to the well-being and security of Canada.”

Other cabinet ministers also defended the wall. “Canada considers herself to be an ally of the United States,” said Minister of Foreign Affairs, Pierre Pettigrew. “That’s why we signed a pact with President Bush that, in the event of a draft, we would be sure to keep potential draft-dodgers out. What is this but taking that agreement to its logical conclusion?”

Deputy Prime Minister Anne McLellan also mentioned that “‘wall’ has such a negative connotation. Many MPs I've spoken with would prefer to call it a ‘mutual-separation enforcement aid’”. The issue of what the ‘structure’ would eventually be called was tabled for further debate.

Not all Canadians support the plan, and some private citizens came forward to plead their case in front of Parliament. Guy Jenkins, a retired bacon farmer, has been running an Immigrant Integration boot-camp out of his renovated farm in rural Manitoba for the past few months. “The Americans have definite potential; all they need is the right conditions. The only better motivator than threatening to lock them in the woodshed is having that wackjob being their President for another four years.” Jenkins noted that after only four months in his program, three out of eight American immigrants were ready to “graduate”, and go to work in a local ice-skate factory. “They even remembered what ‘B.C.’ stands for! They can be productive members of society, if we just give them a chance.” Jenkins pointed out that restrictions on American immigration will drastically affect his and thousands of other “Integration-camp” instructors’ livelihoods.

But some charged that this missed the larger picture: “That’s all well and good for Monsieur Jenkins”, said MP Gilles Duceppe, leader of the separatist Bloc Québecois, “but what about the fact that these Americans are going to be taking away our people’s jobs, Canadian and Québecois alike? The lumberjack industry has been hit particularly hard ever since the invention of mechanized saws. Bringing in a new source of cheap labor will wipe my constituents out entirely.”

Conservative MP Rob Anders commented, “Let’s not forget what we already know about Americans: they’re stubborn and arrogant little buggers who are always convinced they’re right. I doubt they’ll be interested in assimilating. Instead, they’ll create little ethnic ghettos, where they’ll continue to butcher the English language and resist the metric system. Do we really want another Québec?” In response, Duceppe angrily stormed out of the room, spending the remainder of the afternoon sulking in the hallway.

Another Conservative, Stockwell Day, questioned whether the potential immigrants were really “the kind we want coming here, anyway”. “Think about it,” Day argued, “these people feel like they’re the most marginalized members of their society, and what’s their answer? To quit! To give up! If I had that attitude, I’d never get anything accomplished; I’d just have to bend over and let the same-sex couples have their way with me!” Day continued: “What happens if things go badly in Canada? Are these folks going to turn tail and run to Greenland?” Day concluded by reiterating the Conservative Party’s strict and long-standing “no riff-raff” policy.

Support for the wall is not limited to the right. Notable left-wing New Democratic Party leader Jack Layton said, “I fear these Americans are just coming here to take advantage of Canada’s many benefits, like cheap prescription drugs and high-flow toilets. They don’t really care about our proud national history. I bet not a single one of them could tell me anything about the Battle of Montreal! They think Canada consists of hockey, Dudley Do-right, and Tom Green. While these are without a doubt an integral part of Canada’s culture- and economy- they are by no means the sum total, and I for one am skeptical that Americans are willing-or able- to understand this.” Layton added that he felt that the entire debate was a waste of Parliament’s time and energy, and made a heartfelt appeal that the MPs quickly approve the wall plan and return to more “crucial” matters, like carrying on the NDP’s crusade against Trans-fatty acids, which Layton has characterized as “the real global threat”.

Former NDP MP Svend Robinson, who attended the meeting as a private citizen, added, “Think of what a large influx of Americans might do to our crime rate! We all saw Michael Moore’s little home-invasion jaunts in Bowling For Columbine. What is that but encouraging American hoodlums to rob our citizens blind?”

Conservative opposition leader Stephen Harper used the discussion as an opportunity to lecture his political opponents: “I told you all that this polite, mild-mannered ‘neighbor to the North’ crap wouldn’t work. You naively thought that if we just laid low and didn’t provoke them, we’d be fine. This conclusively proves what our top scientists have been saying for years: Americans are not bees. Now we’re reaping the whirlwind.” Harper also pointed out that if Canada had just followed the Queen Mother’s advice and used high-tech earthquake technology to physically separate Canada from the North American continent in 1952, “this whole mess could have been avoided. But noooo, you damned Socialists said seismic stimulators were too expensive! Do you think a 2,878 kilometre (4631 mile) wall is going to be any cheaper? Congratulations; you’ve ruined the budget yet again. I hope you're happy.” Responding to charges that he and his party were “flip-flopping” from their traditional pro-American stance, Harper angrily countered, “That’s absolute nonsense. We admire the American government very much; it’s the people we can’t stand. You can hate a government without hating the people, and vice-versa.” Harper then alleged that it was in fact the left-wing MPs who were “co-opting” the Conservative Party’s ideas in order to steal away their voters, and declared that “we were being passive-aggressively contemptuous of Americans before it was cool”.

Independent researchers have calculated that the wall’s estimated cost will be approximately $ 5.5 billion Canadian ($ 4.6 billion US), or about $ 1.9 million CAD per kilometer ($ 993,000 US per mile). To avoid further costs, the various water boundaries (adding up to 3,538 km.) will not be walled-up, but instead mined with depth-charges and canvassed with high-voltage nets. Some MPs also discussed the possibility of dispatching unmanned drones to “keep a close eye” on Hawaii.

The Right Honorable PM Paul Martin summed up the day’s sentiment in a short press conference: “Please understand, Americans: we are not entirely without sympathy for you. We would be willing to accept a symbolic number of you as refugees, but that will be it. The rest will simply have to go through the legal immigration process and wait their turn.” When pressed for details, Martin said, “Well, obviously the ones most at risk would get priority. In fact, we’re willing to send helicopters into American airspace right away if Ralph Nader or Barbara Lee give us a call.”

Martin continued, “We’ve also thought it over and decided that perhaps another good thing to do is to just take Guam off your hands. It’s not like you’re doing much with it anyway, and it would probably only be a matter of time before you ruined that, too.”

The White House declined to comment, stating only that Americans would be kept informed of any future changes to Guam's status.