Humor Retrospective Intro

I have been accused of many things over the years, but a small ego is not one of them. To that end, I present for you, the imaginary reader's enjoyment, and me, the narcissicistic blogger's gratification, some old humor pieces that have been kicking around my hard drive. Some are political, some aren't. Hopefully most are mildly amusing. I'll be posting a few in the next few days. If there's any positive response I might start trying my hand at this humor thing again- it might be a nice change to just fisking people all the time (I mean, how many more times can I make fun of Abir before they come beat me up? Eighteen? A hundred and twenty?)

Here's an oldie but goodie:

Lemmings Protest Offensive Game

A coalition of angry animals began a nation-wide boycott of the popular computer and video game Lemmings over the weekend, saying it perpetuates offensive stereotypes. Lemmings Against Defamation and Libel Everywhere began their protest last Friday by protesting in front of stores that carry and sell the game. Sasquatch Smith, LADLE’s National Spokes-Lemming, commented from a protest in Akron, Ohio: “It is offensive, and frankly, outrageous, that so-called responsible ‘family’ and eco-friendly companies like Walmart, Comp-USA, and Electronic Boutique are still selling games that not only misrepresent Lemming intelligence, behavior and culture, but also encourages their genocide! Why not start selling ‘Jew-hunt’ while we’re at it?”

The outrage is not limited to the Lemming community. In the past few days, LADLE has been joined by other notable activist groups, including the high-profile Ducks Opposed to Unwarranted Car Hijacking in Ecuador, as well as Sloths, Queers and Unions Antagonistic to Space Heaters.

Lemmings, originally created as a game for the Amiga computer in 1990, was extremely popular, spawning multiple platform versions such as Atari and Sega Genesis, as well as eight sequels, including Xmas Lemmings, 3D Lemmings, and, charge critics, the “extremely inappropriate” Lemmings Paintball.

The object of the first game was to guide a group of lemmings from one point to another, avoiding traps by using special abilities, such as climbing, floating, mining, building, and, most controversially, suicide-bombing. Lemmings 2: The Tribes saw the “continued exploitation” of lemming culture by introducing players to a tribal system that LADLE says is “grossly misrepresentational.”

“I don’t know where these people get their information, but I’m pretty sure I’ve never heard of this ‘Tribe of the Beach,’” remarked Lemming Elder Josh Digs-in-Dirt. “Those creepy, green-haired characters don’t even look anything like us. Maybe they saw one of our youngsters at a punk show and thought we all dress like that? I dunno.”

Sunshine Robinson-Greenberg, head of the human-dominated Guilt Complex Brigade, which was also in attendance, angrily pointed out, “There has only been, to my knowledge, one lemming suicide bomber in the past 50 years, and I believe they’ve repeatedly apologized for it. How much longer do they have to have it shoved into their faces?”

LADLE reiterated its fear Monday that continued sales of the game might result in increased anti-lemming hostility, discrimination, and even violence. Smith charged, “This game doesn’t merely glorify suicide among our already fragile and susceptible youth; it also glamorizes ‘helping’ us make our grand exit. What happens when little Bobby McGamer sees a poor, defenseless lemming family crossing a busy street and gets it into his head to “assist” them? After all, he probably has a lot of experience playing “Frogger”, too. I tell you, this is a hate crime waiting to happen!”

Amiga Vice-President Karen Cranston responded, “Obviously not everything in the game is 100% accurate. But that’s simply the nature of the industry. It’s called creative license, thanks very much. Why don’t these activists go after the really outrageous fact-twisters, like those Warcraft jerks?”

This is not the first time lemming activists have made national headlines. Last year the Lemming Legal Assistance Fund led a class-action lawsuit against the Walt Disney Corporation for a 1958 documentary entitled “White Wilderness”, which apparently sparked the original “Suicidal Lemmings” myth. During the trial, it was revealed that a lemming migration sequence which showed hundreds of lemmings hurtling off a cliff was in fact, faked.

LLAF Chairman Ichabod Sanchez explained: “We discovered declassified Disney documents proving that the several dozen lemmings involved in the film were kidnapped by hired Inuit goons, then cruelly herded off a cliff into a river, where most drowned. All of this was filmed and then used in the movie.” LLAF sued Disney for 15 million dollars in emotional distress and damages, as well as on charges of kidnapping, depraved-indifference, animal cruelty, and libel. The case was settled out of court for an undisclosed amount, and included a public apology from Walt Disney’s head (puppeteered by his younger brother Roy). Subsequent LLAF and LADLE press releases have also condemned Far Side cartoonist Gary Larson for his own role in the ongoing propagation of the “malicious suicide libel.” Larson refused to comment for this story.

Teachers and other supporters of the game argue that it teaches its players, particularly children, important problem-solving skills. Local twelve-year-old Tom Owens explained, “To advance, you need to develop observation, coordination, and teamwork. It’s kind of like Pee-Wee baseball, but without sweat.”

Yet LADLE remains unconvinced. Said Smith, “Teaching kids how to do puzzles is great. But why lemmings? Why not just give them Tetris and Jenga and be done with it?” He continued: “We only want what every advocacy group wants: recognition of our pain and suffering, and the acknowledgment that it trumps everyone else’s. If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you throw us from a great height, do we not splat? If you offend us, shall we not sue? In conclusion: God Bless America.”