Bush Appoints new Secretary of Homeland Security The White House announced a new head of Homeland Security last Tuesday: Ravdon Bzil of Texas, formerly Solpan Four in the Scorpius Nebula. Bzil is a longtime friend of the Bush family, and, reportedly, was affectionately dubbed “Ravdon Bush” by the President several years ago. Very little is known about Bzil’s past, aside from the fact that he arrived on earth sometime in the mid-1960s, attended Yale with George Bush and was also apparently a member of the Skull and Bones society. Repeated requests for interviews have been denied.
Some critics have been quick to charge that Bzil, as an extraterrestrial, is unqualified for the post, but such comments have been shrugged aside by the White House as “racist and xenophobic.” Spokesman Tony Snow said, “Mr. Bzil came to this country as an immigrant and worked his way up, just like everybody else. He is an American citizen, and we feel he is uniquely qualified to head up Homeland Security.”
The move comes following the abrupt departure of former Secretary Michael Chertoff. Chertoff has not been seen by the press in several weeks, but his letter of resignation cited, among other things, “lack of hair” and “excessive gas” as reasons for his quitting the post. “Don’t expect to see me too soon, fellow Earth-friends”, the letter continued, “I’m going on a spiritual retreat to Israel, or maybe Tibet. One of those hard-to-reach places. Yeah. Don’t even bother looking for me, I’m sure I’ll be fine. Please welcome whoever it is that winds up filling my supplemental feet-skins.”
Bzil’s politics are a general mystery; although many assume that he will fall in line with the President’s past Homeland Security Secretaries, there is suspicion by some that he may, in fact, have his own agenda. Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid explained, “Look, we just don’t know where he stands. For all any of us know, he’s just waiting to sell us out to the highest bidder, be it Iran, North Korea, or the Solpanian Imperial Empire.”
Bzil’s personal secretary, Hiram Donovan, responded angrily. “That anyone feels they have the right to criticize Mr. Bzil’s motives or patriotism is a sad statement on the state of public discourse in America today. Mr. Reid should be ashamed of himself for launching into ad hominem attacks on a fellow public servant who has yet to even be given the chance to prove himself. Simply because Mr. Bzil has acid-skin and compound eyes, some people assume he isn’t capable of his job, or that his loyalty should be questioned! I’m sure Mr. Reid and his ACLU friends would be up-in-arms if a Republican suggested that we require some sort of loyalty-test from any other ethnic group, but when it comes to a Solpanian, it appears discrimination is just fine.” Donovan also accused Reid of being “Earth-ist,” and concluded, “Perhaps Mr. Reid would better serve the American taxpayers by focusing less on Mr. Bzil, and more on ending his decades-long love-affair with the filibuster.”
Reid responded by issuing an apology, explaining that he was merely criticizing Bzil’s recently-publicized background as a member of ASPAC, a shadowy grass-roots Solpanian-American lobbying group, and that his comments “were not intended to refer to Solpanians in general.” ASPAC, among other things, has come under attention in recent years for its efforts to pass a nation-wide “Bright-Skies Initiative”, as well as its outspoken stance against amateur astronomers.
In Mr. Bzil’s first press conference, he thanked the President for his support, and then tried to connect with the crowd through humor: “On my home planet, the days are interminably long, and the nights filled with glorious explosions of hot air. So clearly, you can see why I belong in Washington.” Bzil also tried to reassure the American public, particularly the young. “With me in charge, you should all feel safe to once again let your guards down. Children should walk to school un-chaperoned; dogs should be let off leashes; household cleansers left precariously close to baby food containers… in short, my fellow Americans, I urge you to return to your carefree, pre-9/11 existences…and while we’re at it, perhaps we might even reconsider that Missile-Shield Idea. After all, why on earth would we need lasers in space? Ha... Ha.”
When asked to comment, several Washington reporters remarked that Bush’s decision really wasn’t terribly out of the ordinary. “I mean, think about it,” said veteran newsman Tim Russert. “Since his re-election, he’s given Presidential Medals of Freedom to Tenet and Bremer, and appointed or supported Gonzales as Attorney General, Wolfowitz as head of the World Bank, a ‘Safari Club’ lobbyist as director of the Fish and Wildlife Service, and sent John Bolton to the UN... compared to that other stuff, this pick seems almost sensible.”
Russert speculated that other possible Bush appointments could soon include Rush Limbaugh and Bill O’Reilly as Drug and Porn Czars, respectively.
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