Humor Retrospective III

I know this will come as a shock to many of you, but I'm not a real big activist. I wasn't as a high schooler, I wasn't in college, and I'm still not now. It's not that I object to other people being activists as much as I object to general stupidity. The piece below was inspired during my college days.

Unpopular Activists' Fundraiser Gets Mixed Results

Over twenty unpopular activist groups held a fundraiser last night in Chugwater, Wyoming. The groups, some of which hold views almost diametrically opposed to each other, were forced to join together after they discovered that none of them could individually afford to rent out the reception area in the only hotel in town, Casa de Chugwater.

Sandstone Rodriguez, chapter president of People for the Ethical Treatment of Trees, told reporters that he wasn’t happy about having to share space with such “disturbing” groups as the National Lint Union and the Coalition for Effeminate Swedes, but remarked, “You can’t always choose your allies.”

Rodriguez continued: “Yes, it was hard, but it was a small sacrifice to make in order to get our message heard. Remember, people: only you can prevent the ongoing persecution of the trees.” Rodriguez then reportedly accosted protestors from the Minks Make Good Hats Society, setting fire to their various placards and signs, while howling slogans like “Free the Yosemite Two-hundred thousand” and, “boycott toilet paper!”

Another PETT member, Joanna Berlusconi-Jones, delivered a thirty-minute PowerPoint presentation on the “troubling situation of the global power structure”, which she emphatically asserted was “overwhelmingly mammalio-centric”.

Berlusconi-Jones commented: “Remember, people, both humans and plants are predominantly composed of the same four elements, but just because humans have things like bones and hair, we assume we’re so much better than them! Over and over again, history repeats itself. Once we thought superiority came from being pale, and now we think that it comes from having brains and written language. It’s all a lie.” PETT members in the audience showed their support by displaying fur tunics emblazoned with the message, “Stop the Hewlett-Packard Holocaust”.

Many people in attendance seemed convinced by Berlusconi-Jones’ argument. She noted, for instance, that there has never been a single documented case of plant warfare, much less plant genocide, and also theorized that plants are probably much more in tune with nature, “almost like a kind of green-skinned Indian”. She concluded her talk by showing a graphic video entitled “The Horrors of the Paper Mill”, and passed out clay tablets with recommendations of how people could cut down on their paper consumption, including the much-talked-about “wipe with your hand” method. PETT representatives then reminded the audience that they had a booth set up in the back where people could buy souvenir tunics and bumper rocks, but pointed out that they would only be accepting credit cards and coins.

Another group in attendance was the controversial Water Liberation Front, whose spokesperson, Susan “Drip” Dropowski, also addressed the crowd. “For too long have our watery brethren been held in unjust bondage, whether in dams, reservoirs, or water fountains. With your tax-free gift of just fifty-five dollars, it can end right here!”

The WLF, which has been placed on a terrorist watch list by the FBI, has claimed responsibility for many attacks over the years, with targets ranging from beer distilleries to hydro-electric power-plants, as well as a large number of Alhambra trucks. Dropowski vowed that America would “know no peace” until it stopped “the rape of mother ocean, as well as her sister lakes, swamps, ponds, and tributaries”.

The fundraiser was cut short when a fight broke out between members of two rival groups, the Committee for the Legal Defense of Crazy Straw Collectors, and the Covenant of Low-Rider Jeans, also known colloquially as the “Buttcrack Brigade”. According to police commissioner Francis Hall, “Words were exchanged, and then they got hold of some sort of bricks that some idiot had been passing out, and before you knew it, we had a serious rock-fight on our hands.” The police arrived quickly and broke up the brawl using a combination of pepper spray, tasers, and immobilizing foam, which one angry demonstrator quickly chastised them for, saying the company that made the foam was suspected of testing its products on animals.

When asked, the manager of Casa de Chugwater said that he would absolutely be willing to host the groups’ next get-together. “Only this time, I’ll ask for the money up-front.” The night’s final tally of raised funds, after costs and damages, was a combined six dollars and eighty-three cents, plus three boxes of surplus clay tablets, and a ball of lint. When informed of this in the police lock-up, the activists cheered, with one saying, “even better than last year!”