There is a custom among the Breslover Hasidim to commune daily with the Almighty by yourself, preferably alone in a field somewhere. Well, I don't really have access to a field, so I have to make do with this box-screen. And, absent the almighty, I spend my time responding to weird crap. So it is with great pleasure that I report a new installment from everyone's favorite Breslover, Rabbi Lazer "Say What?" Brody, this time brought to my attention by a very good friend of the blog, Sam at Xyre.
One of Lazer's readers writes in to say that she and her husband are both semi-recent Baalei Teshuvah and have a new baby. However, "Since I was younger, I have felt that I would like to have a relationship with another woman."
Uh oh. This could get ugly. What say thee, Rabbi?
Well first, Lazer informs us, in that ever-so-helpful GI Joe style of his, that coming to a rabbi is half the battle. You see gentle reader, "various crap about negative energy clouding the soul and stuff. Rabbi Nachman, blah-blah, Nachman blah-blah, funny hats." Anyway, the important thing is that she came to a random Internet personality first, as opposed to say, anyone remotely qualified to give her any kind of educated advice. Off to a good start.
Furthermore, "Jewish astrology bullcrap blah-blah Nachman blah, extra special powerful prayers blah-blah, Jupiter is in the East but we call him Yonkel so as to not practice idol worship. Blah."
Lazer concludes with a 10-point plan for no more gayitude. I know I could just let you read it for yourselves, but I've found that sometimes Lazer can be a little technical, especially for those who don't know much about the inner workings of Orthodox Judaism. As a recent graduate of a half-day make-your-own yarmulke-from-body-hair seminar, I feel like I'm in a unique position to translate. Here goes:
1. Do that Breslover meditation thing. Ask God to help you overcome your "stupid temptation fantasy" which is coming direct from the Devil-Judaism-Doesn't-Quite-Have. And which has apparently been haunting you for a long time, even before you had a husband for the Yetzer Hara (Evil Side) to tempt you away from. Oh, so tricky.
2. Don't consume any secular media. Only read holy books. Incidentally, I have eight new ones I pulled out of my butt last night. Plus a new DVD. Just saying.
3. Read a bunch of passages from this book. It will help, I swear. If those random paragraphs don't change your brain chemistry to make you like dudes again, try a phone book.
4. Spend a lot of time guilt-tripping yourself by remembering how disappointed God and your husband will be if you switch teams.
5. Remember that all negative thoughts come from the Yetzer Hara (convenient, no?) Gays and lesbians (I think he means openly gays and lesbians here) have apparently "quit fighting the spiritual battle to rescue their souls, and have utterly surrendered to the Yetzer." Utterly? That seems a bit reductive. What if they don't actually act on their desires and just watch a lot of gay porn? For someone schooled in the oh-so-nuanced and nitpicky Talmudic tradition, Lazer seems to be acting downright Baptist in black-and-white his approach to moral matters.
6. Wanting to suck face with girls is JUST LIKE wanting a bacon cheeseburger. And apparently, just like his reader doesn't "contemplate eating pork or cheeseburgers all day long, you don't have to think about other women." Because he knows all that from her email, right? To be fair, Lazer does recognize that this may be easier said then done, especially if you're an idiot who says random things with little basis in reality: "This will be difficult for you at first, because your entire mission on this earth could very well be to lick the battle with homosexual or other lewd tendencies." Unfortunately, Lazer uses the verb "lick" here, demonstrating that he really needs to read his articles out loud before posting them.
7. Try to be "super-modest," also known as ugly. Wearing a really unattractive wig is an excellent start. You might also try a burqa, or maybe one of these.
8. Buy some Breslov stuff. No, seriously. In case you weren't paying enough attention on point number 2. Don't worry, the authors on both of these books are long-dead, so it's not like the money will be going to anyone living. Oh, except for the BreslovWorld publishers.
9. You like the ladies because you don't love God enough. Work on that.
And number 10, and I swear I'm not making this up...
Wash your hands.
Lazer claims that these 10-steps will not only cure this woman's "lewd urges," he also says it should work within 40 DAYS! Wow, that's almost as good as Kevin Trudeau's miracle cures. Well I certainly home this woman tries these and lets us know how it all works out.
Full list available here in all its brain-melting glory.