Thursday, January 31, 2008

Someone explain this to me

Ok, my feelings on Aish's latest monstrosity can best be summed up here, but this seems particularly awful, even for something whose taste is already questionable by its very name- "Jewlarious."

Please, someone explain to me exactly what is funny about envisioning the first Jew elected President being a stereotypical Hasid? Odd, maybe. Fanciful, probably. An interesting thought experiment, sure. But FUNNY?

What about a Jewish President? Or better yet, an Orthodox Jewish President? Just what would our Nation look like...

Imagine with me that it's our year 5777 and the media is schlepping out to the White House lawn to see the inauguration of our first Chassidic President Elect Eli Gellerstein.

Because we all know that "Orthodox" equals being Hasidic. Just ask Yossele Lieberman.

A Torah is used for the swearing in ceremony; klezmer music and cantorial oratorio rather than the traditional gospel hymnals provide the soundscape of reverence and inspiration for this radically different induction. It's a cold winter in Washington D.C. so the fashion trend-setting new Prez is wearing his fur hat, or streimel, while he employs his peyos as make shift ear muffs. Such a fun-loving character, is our Eli.

Let's hope his English is also decent, is our Eli's. We've got enough tsuris from the goyim as it is. And why would you use a Torah and not a Tanakh? And why kezmer? How is that the Jewish equivalent of gospel hymnals (which, incidentally, I never noticed as being part of the inauguration).

Standing beside him is his basherte Shoshana, and not since Jackie Kennedy has there been a First Lady with hair so put together in the Washington D.C. wind (although in fairness, Shoshana is wearing the culturally required wig).

A wig! Hysterical! Don't you get it, she's got NO HAIR! I love it. And Jackie O jokes? Clearly, Jewlarious is putting a lot of money into hiring writers and making sure they've got fresh material.
Of course, every new president tries to remake the country to suit his culture, and Prez Eli is certainly causing a lot of shake ups in his first year in office. This Commander in Chief, who spends each Shabbos in contemplative relaxation at "Camp David Ben-Gurion,"

I hate you. So much.
has returned the Day of Rest to our exhausted Nation in the nick of multi-tasking time. The outcry of big box stores and malls was shrill at first, and America's citizenry in an uproar, but now, a year later, once compulsive consumers stop shopping at sunset on Fridays and actually relax and read with their families. Our country is far better off. Juvenile crime is down 50%, grades are up 120%, and, because folks actually have to walk on foot to visit friends on Saturdays, obesity is down millions of tons.

Wait, he's forcing non-Jews to observe the Jewish Sabbath, complete with a ban on cars? With what authority? Does the ACLU know about this guy? And way to work on demystifying Hasidim, Jewlarious- a Hasid gets into office, America becomes Meah Shearim. Wonderful.
Who knew a Jew would one day create a kosher White House, and hang a mezuzah on each and every door?

Especially the bathrooms and utility closets, right?
Who knew a giant spinning dreidel and a menorah of giant torches would replace the Christmas lights on the enormous fir tree on the front lawn of the White House at the end of his first year of office?

That's a horrible mental picture. I guess he's taking his decorating cues from Chabad.
So long Santa Claus.

Great, another visible Jew for Americans to hate. Fox News must be having a field day.
There are other traditional tales to tell Eli's ten kids, two of whom - the twins Moishe and Martin, just had their bar mitzvah bash televised live on ABC, preempting Monday Night Football.

A Hasid named Martin? Now we know you're delirious.

What makes this Presidency different from all other Presidencies? Unleavened bread is being broken, and the Hagaddah read to the listening world by Alan Dershowitz, our latest mensch on the Supreme Court Bench. I am happily in attendance at the first Presidential Pesach. Jackie Mason, our first Minister of Humor, has been regaling the folks at my table. (He has already claimed the centerpiece by hiding the matza under his own place setting, then pretended to find it-Ha hah HAH!) Many well known politicos are present at this "Super Seder-" and the U.N. Secretary General just found the afikoman!

Please, God. Shoot me in the head. End my suffering.

Why, just seeing Baptists Jesse Jackson and Mike Huckabee in attendance with yarmulkes perched on their venerable heads makes my eyes mist over with good fellowship. Acceptance of differences being embraced lovingly is the order of the day. This is the style of our Chasidic Prez Eli, known as the "Catcher in the Kosher Rye" when he was young, so notable was his kindness and purity of intent.

Die, Die, Die.

Not only is this not funny, it's downright offensive. To Hasidim, to Jews everywhere, to the Internet, and of course, to whatever once was called Jewish humor.


Sam said...

"That was so bad, I think it gave me cancer."

Reader said...

That was AWFUL. If you want some good frum news-style satire check out The Knish.